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Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Safe Words and Consent in our Female Focused Femdom

Our Femdom only really started working
for both of us when it stopped being play.
You know, I have never ever used my safeword with Xena.

Nor have I used "traffic lights" or, since we stopped thinking of our Femdom as "play", tried to direct the action.

In fact, our Femdom only really started working for both of us when it stopped being play.

I do from time-to-time give her feedback, but it's of the technical variety, as in "I can't stay still for this, mistress, you need to tie me up." Occasionally, "Sorry mistress, cramp! Let me go."

There's no break in the dynamic, not stepping out of character because we are the characters.

Of late, I haven't really negotiated either. I'm still the one who provides the new ideas, but as a facilitator. It's up to me to suggest and her to pick and choose, and she only goes with innovations she likes.

We don't have the layer of fantasy or roleplay, nothing is simulated. If Xena acts angry, it's because she is angry. If I'm serving her, I'm really serving. Punishment is real punishment (yes the hazard turns me on, but that's different).

So we don't really fit into the BDSM mainstream.

What triggered this entry was blogger "A Strange Desire" talking about a similar approach to Femdom.

I don't share his scathing feelings about the BDSM scene; horses for courses, I think. However, I do think the emphasis on negotiated "play" is not useful for established couples like us where one partner is deeply submissive, and the other likes uncomplicated control.

However, I do diverge from him when he writes...
....I reject the use of safe words. If I can stop an activity with a single word, then I am in control, and I don't want to be in control. A safe word discourages progress in the activities, and reinforces the sense of unreality, because we can stop and step out of the activity at my whim.
Punishment is real punishment.
As I said, we do have a safeword, but have never needed it. However, our safeword is really a safety word.  I would only use it if there was an actual safety concern that couldn't be, or wasn't being, handled within the dynamic.

This emphatically does not give me power of veto, or the ability to skip tracks.

As a submissive in established Female Led Relationship, I find it hard to think outside our dynamic. I'm also terrified of breaking the Femdom. I'd rather put up with something unpleasant than have that happen, and the more I've suffered, the less willing I am to throw away my "investment". Finally, the knowledge that I'm trapped by my own kink is itself a kinky turn on.

My consent is therefore, for most purposes, irrevocable. And we both like it that way.

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  1. I think this one sentence pretty much summarises and explains your post "I do think the emphasis on negotiated "play" is not useful for established couples like us where one partner is deeply submissive, and the other likes uncomplicated control". It reminds me in a way of current postulates to require consent to be "enthusiastic" consent, great for a hookup but doesn't even make sense in a LTR.

    1. Yes. This.

      I think BDSM culture is a marvellous achievement: a community has grown from the ground up and worked out how to play with fire surprisingly safely.

      However - pushing the metaphor - it is in my nature to want to be branded (figuratively).

  2. Giles, as I've probably said before, my teenage masochistic self dreamed of this sort of dynamic many years before I'd ever heard of 'FemDom', or 'FLR', and long before we had the internet.

    Occasionally I would see people giggling and playing with soft floggers and fluffy handcuffs on a TV documentary about sex & I always knew that that was not the 'reality' I was dreaming of. For a good while these sporadic media representations put me off and idea of a 'scene' because I figured that must be the extent of it.

    However, yourself and by the looks of it the 'A Strange Desire' blogger are, if I may say so, the Real McCoy, an authentic level of intensity, a commitment which is what I always felt must exist and what has always haunted my imagination long before I knew about any actual lifestyles.

    Of course, no offense to anyone who just likes a bit of very light play now and then, but I always thought that the intensity I craved must be legitimate, and was out there somewhere.

    Thank you for posting ASD's link, I've not heard of his blog until now. I see there's a lot on there and I haven't had time to read that much just yet but it looks very interesting.

    - Mr. Bump


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