1. Never remove your invisible collar
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| Your invisible collar |
Most of the worse sins of malesubs result from flip flopping between abject submission and total rejection of submission. Most of our worst relationship foul-ups result from being in deep denial that we are in fact submissives.
Wear your mental collar to remind you that you are never not a sub.
2. But be your own protector
Ultimately you are the one responsible for yourself and your own happiness. It's OK to be careful where you give your submission, and to withdraw it when a relationship makes you unhappy.3. Get on your knees
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| It's the simple dynamic that matters |
4. And bravely do it for real
All the fantasy play, complex negotiations, and scene jargon? The prominence of dominatrix culture where all is simulation and the intensity adapts to you like a video game?
They're all ways to walk around the elephant in the room: the starkness of the urge to submit and the urge to dominate. Of course you need the communication and the consent, but they are mere safety lines that free you to plunge into the delicious darkness.
Whoever she is, she has her own motivations and desires. You can submit more ethically, more sustainable by submitting to those. However, remember the bit about being your own protector?
There's nothing wrong with doing this by offering her your kinks as tools to get what she wants, as long as they make some kind of sense.
She is unlikely to want some of the things you spin as a "service", but she may be happy to use them to get other things.
If you're being used for real, wallow in the authenticity of your submission, but do not complain that she does not reciprocate your excitement. Not everything she wants will turn her on. Not everything that gets her off will get you hard.
All long term kinky relationships have to at least survive in the vanilla world, meaning you need to be good enough at vanilla life in order to be able to make and keep commitments. Most real long term kinky relationships are also vanilla ones, meaning you need vanilla as well as kinky relationship skills.
The root of all kinky action is vanilla. Tease and deny is just weaponised flirting. Corporal punishment is just amplified power play, or one-sided martial arts. A chastity device is a penis wedding ring. Service is service.
This means that you can find new kink in your partner's vanilla tastes and that - happily - even if she isn't a fetishist, she may well enjoy what kink has to offer.
It also means that you can find kink in vanilla places.
Kink isn't a quest to get to a certain goal. Have the humility to accept that you won't know whether you truly want something until you experience it. You can only escalate so far before you become dangerous to yourself and others. At some point you need to settle into wandering around your kinky comfort zone.
Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner!
CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
5. Submit by offering her the tools to get what she wants
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| What she wants |
There's nothing wrong with doing this by offering her your kinks as tools to get what she wants, as long as they make some kind of sense.
She is unlikely to want some of the things you spin as a "service", but she may be happy to use them to get other things.
6. And revel in the resulting asymmetry
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| Not everything she wants will turn her on. |
7. Make yourself worthy
Begin your submission well before you meet her. Get fit. Attend to your personal grooming. Learn to dress yourself. You are not a loser, and positioning yourself as such may feel submissive, but it's not attractive.
While we are at it, learn to do the services you'd like to offer. Know how to truly clean a room, make a meal, massage a back and serve at table. And the kinks. With notable exceptions, most women aren't gearheads or bondage geeks. You need to know how to make complex kinks work, and test any equipment well beyond what you'll ever ask for.
8. Embrace the vanilla
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| The root of all kinky action is vanilla. |
The root of all kinky action is vanilla. Tease and deny is just weaponised flirting. Corporal punishment is just amplified power play, or one-sided martial arts. A chastity device is a penis wedding ring. Service is service.
This means that you can find new kink in your partner's vanilla tastes and that - happily - even if she isn't a fetishist, she may well enjoy what kink has to offer.
It also means that you can find kink in vanilla places.
9. Seek kink with brave honesty
When you ask for kink, actually ask for it. Don't hide your desires until the relationship is established - that's bait and switch; immoral but also foolish. Just as men have no leg to stand on complaining when they end up in the friend zone, malesubs have only themselves to blame if we end up in the vanilla zone.10. Wander humbly, don't be a pilgrim or a thrill seeker
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| It's tempting to orbit around a dominant woman being an enabler |
11. Don't be a vanilla enabler or a pushy sub
It's tempting to orbit a dominant woman being an enabler, blindly supporting her, encouraging her to drift further and further from acceptable real world behaviour. You may tell yourself it's a form of submission, but really it's exploitation.
And in kink, especially with an inexperienced domme, it's sometimes easy through pushiness to nudge her into a service topping relationship... for a while before she dumps you or the femdom goes away. Don't do this.
12. Enjoy the other stuff in life
It's not all about kink. Just because you are kinky doesn't mean your life has to revolve around it. Get out and enjoy the world.
Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner!
CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format,
Some good observations here especially about guys denying their submissive nature. Often it's better to just be what you are and not overthink it!
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