Thursday, 3 September 2015

Ask Giles: Do you have any advice for a Domme coming into her own?

What started me - and so, us - on this road was a
particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii
Somebody PM'd me:
I was looking into some of your other blog posts and found them very interesting. It seemed like a long process to get where you are in your relationship.
I have always been an intimidating lady. I like to be the Head Bitch in Charge in all aspects of my life. However I struggle with wanting to make sure my partners needs are fulfilled as well. In the past this turns me into a more timid person, which leads to problems in the relationship, which leads to loss of interest and eventual break up.
As I have been discovering BDSM, kink, and female lead relationships I have realized that this is what I want from a partner and life.
As a sub in your situation(you mentioned in your blog being a "couple first") who had to help his Mistress take a leading role, do you have any advice or tips for a Domme coming into her own?
We're talking relationships here, rather than how to find your place in the BDSM Scene (which is not our thing).

Well obviously, I have my book How to be a Roman Dominatrix which assumes a vanilla female reader. If you are kinky, the transition should be easier but the some of the underlying challenges remain the same.

You do things entirely for your own benefit. Your sub 
agrees to take the rough with the smooth.
What started me - and so, us - on this road was a particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii (see above).

Since he's dressed and she is not, it's reasonable to interpret this as a male slave servicing his owner.

What's interesting about this is that she is just getting what she wants with no sense of fetish or BDSM, and yet if a modern male submissive with a time machine parachuted into the slave's role, it would tick a whole load of kink boxes: objectification, tease and denial, CMNF, service...

So the lesson is that an awful lot of male submissive satisfaction can be generated as a by-product of a super-empowered woman just getting vanilla things she wants.

If she also wants her own kinks, that's a bonus. However what matters, what lends spice to the submissive's experience, is that she has real authority in the relationship. When she's doing kink, he knows that's what she wants and that knowledge itself is a turn on. When he's bored, frustrated or uncomfortable, then he knows that it's because she's in charge, which is also an intense turn on.

Of course this only works if he 
really is a sub..
My advice, then, is pretty much what's in my books. Agree to a set period - a month, initially, is good - in which...

  • You do things entirely for your own benefit.
  • Your sub agrees to take the rough with the smooth (unless you hit a hard limit).

This will get you both into the habit of female authority as the default (rather than dominance, which requires effort). It will also establish whether this is something you both enjoy, and give you confidence that your sub really is enjoying himself.

It's important for it to be for a set period because otherwise both of you will keep revisiting the decision as to whether to carry on another day or evening when instead you should be reaching an accommodation with your roles.

If you intend to take this out of the bedroom, then I think task lists and some kind of discipline system is a good idea. Not only does this establish female authority, but it is also one of the major benefits of FLR for a man; we know where we stand, we don't get nagged, we do get to atone for our failings.

However, the other advice for doing FLR outside the bedroom is to avoid lots of protocol and to mostly be a couple first where however it's OK for her to get her way and state her preferences.

I think of this as the reverse of an old fashioned marriage. We can argue. We can discuss things. However, Xena has the underlying authority.

Of course this only works if he really is a sub, rather than a bottom who uses submissive fantasies to give some context to his kinks. There's nothing wrong with just being a bottom, but it's important not to confuse the two.

I hope that helps!

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

No comments:

Post a comment

Tell me what you think!