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Friday, 18 November 2016

Kinky Dating in the Vanilla World: How to find a Femdom relationship on OK Cupid

I'm not dating - thank God! However, there are an awful lot of male subs looking for partners, so when Fetlife user alwaysthere posted about dating in the vanilla world (source), I interviewed him and got his permission to share on my blog:
HIM: I suggest a two pronged approach:

1. Join your local BDSM community. Go to munches and make friends. Go to workshops and learn everything you can about how to do BDSM safely. Volunteer to help at parties, and be a good member of the community. There is a good chance you will find someone to play with which will give you valuable experience for when you do meet the right person. And you just might find someone who is also looking for more than just play.

2. Use online dating sites to meet new people in the vanilla world. I've had the best success with OKCupid. Let your profile hint that you are possibly kinky, but don't come right out and say it on the site, or you may scare off potential mates before you even meet.
You want to have as many first dates as possible. I actually made two different profiles on OKC that highlighted different aspects of who I am but were both 100% factual. If I found a person that I thought was a good match I'd email from one account and if I didn't get a reply in a week I'd email from the other one. It doubled my chances of meeting people.
On each first date, if conversation is going well and you think there might be potential, just come right out and say that you are into BDSM as a bottom or submissive. Be prepared to explain more about what this means.
If she's interested in you and receptive to the idea than you just got yourself a second date and sex is nearly a sure thing. If she reacts poorly to the idea of BDSM than you haven't lost anything more than an evening and the cost of a dinner.
She barely knows you at this point so there's no chance of her outing you to your friends that she hasn't even met yet. If someone you meet isn't interested in BDSM than you don't want to waste any time dating her any way. Move on to the next as quickly as possible.
I did exactly this strategy a number of years ago, and now I'm married to an awesome FemDom. We met on OKC and my coming out to her as kinky intrigued her. After a few dates, some great sex and a little bit of really basic BDSM I took her to her first ever Munch. Soon we were both regulars at workshops and parties and she became an accomplished rope rigger.
ME: Actually, would you mind sharing some specifics about how you hinted at kink in your profiles? I'd love to quote you on my blog, and perhaps in a book I'm planning.
HIM: OKCupid was the easiest to set up, because it has badges you can earn for answering questions, and one of them is "More Kinky". Lots of people have this badge who aren't outright into BDSM but it certainly indicates a predisposition to being open to BDSM. In general, take the time to answer enough questions to rack up at least a half dozen badges. It helps with matching.
There are also many creative ways you can phrase things in your profile that hint to your kinkiness but don't outright give it way. Let them read between the lines when you mention that you believe in non-traditional gender roles, or maybe you talk about how you are always looking to try new things.
Honestly, since dating profiles are more or less anonymous, you can put more obvious stuff on there. You just might have success with a profile that comes right out and says you like kinky sex. You don't have to get into all the details about what turns you on, but bring honest on your profile is more likely to get positive attention than one with the same old generic answers. Re-write your profile once every month or two and keep track of how many responses you get with each revision.
When you find a match you want to meet, write them a note that specifically mentions several things you like about their profile. When sending a message to a new match I usually would write one paragraph about how we are similar, paste a second paragraph that was the same for every match, and then close the message with one last reference to their profile and asks for a date. At one point I was doing one or two first dates almost every week.
ME: Did kink come up in your first dates?
HIM: I would bring up the subject any time it felt that we were doing well on the first date, which was probably 60 to 70 percent. After a short time I got practiced at it which made it easier. At least 75 percent of the time when I bright up the subject I got a positive response. This who responded positively were 90% likely to have a second date and I had sex with about half, maybe more.
ME: Did you ever get false matches? E.g. kinky but wrong preference?
HIM: I did once and we ended up playing just for fun. She was a submissive and we alternated tying each other up. We never had sex during the play, nor did we start a relationship. We are still friends and run into each other at munches once or twice a year.
ME: Did you get targeted by pros fishing for clients?
HIM: Only through fetlife, not through vanilla dating sites. The messages seemed off for some reason, so my guard was up but I kept replying until she asked for a gift as a tribute. So I challenged her to meet me in person and I would bring a gift. Never heard back again.

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2 comments:

  1. Many people spend a lot of energy searching for the ideal Dom/Sub. I advocate divert some of the energy to learn how to train a Dom/Sub. If one is married or already in a steady relationship, then most of the energy definitely should go into train a Dom/Sub.
    The dating pool vastly increases if Subs realize that it’s ok to train vanilla people into Doms. Go for “topping from the bottom.” Go against most Doms’ advice, since many are not dealing with Doms but with vanilla people. Train a good top. Natural born dominant tops are rare. But many more people can be trained into one. Subs can train vanilla partners into Doms.
    I believe there is a very good chance if done right, a service top will turn into a dominant top.
    But training a good service top takes investment in developing the skill. Perhaps more skills would be needed turning a service top to a dominant top. But if a Sub wanted it bad enough, he/she should do all the work to learn the skills to do it right.
    Some people will scream bloody murder to the concept of “mold a Dom.” I say ignore the screams.
    Giles, your books offer a good start I haven’t seen anywhere else, and I have a good collection of Femdom how-to books. What makes yours unique is your emphasis in the Sub doing all the work. It works very well with both motivated and unmotivated Doms. All other books asks a ton of work from the Dom, which is ineffective on an unmotivated person.
    You figured it out without the academic psychological theories explaining why it works. Perhaps if you can study up on the psychology, you can have supplemental books with even more efficient methods of creating Vanilla Dominatrix. I recommend behavior modification psychology books, animal training books, and animal training methods used on humans. Instead of training a dog or dolphin, just re-write it to “train a Dom.”
    I admit the act of training a Dom doesn’t scratch the Sub itch. It doesn’t feel like Femdom at all. Then all the sudden I found it irreversible and it’s real Femdom.
    Some people like me don’t need it. Your books gave a good start and I can just figure out the rest on my own. Some people need more specific instructions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks! I sometimes worry that my books are too specific! I am planning a "How to be a happy submissive in the real world" book some time.

    ReplyDelete

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