How to think about being a sexual submissive

"Being a sub is confusing because we
want what we don't like, love what we
hate, crave what we fear."

Being a sub is confusing because we want what we don't like, love what we hate, crave what we fear.

It's the Paradox of Consent!

The paradox collapses as soon as you read around the way the brain works. We're really a mess of different sub systems running in parallel. They don't sum to a single position.

This is obvious when you look at non-kinky activities that make us scream, cry or complain - roller coaster rides, bungee jumping, Horror movies, and gruelling sports like long distance running - Why do people even do this stuff?

So there is no paradox, just a committee. However, this leaves us the problem of how to organise our urges so as to live our life in a fulfilled way.

Here's how I see it...

Our three Kink Selves

Submissive Self does the experiencing.

We subs have three selves, each of varying strength depending on who we are and how turned on we are right now.

These are not "inner selves", but rather places we stand from time to time, or hats we wear.

Submissive Self does the experiencing. He wants to submit.

He likes the dynamic. It makes him comfortable and opens the door to all sorts of nice feelings and sensations ranging from intense physical arousal and pleasure through to deep inner peace.

He experiences the hazards of submission - discipline and being on the "wrong" end of sadism - as proof of his submission, but to be avoided even if they do make life more exciting.

Masochistic Self  does the gloating.

Masochistic Self does the gloating. He gets off on Submissive Self's suffering, but not usually while it's happening.

He sees Submission as both a form of suffering and an excuse for suffering - for him, the hazards are the main point.

Masochist often conspires to make things worse and generate new hazards. This can lead to topping from the bottom.

The important thing about Masochist, is that he's only around when Submissive is not. You usually finding getting hot and hard about some "terrible fate" in his past or future.

Vanilla Self does the managing. He seeks satisfaction for his other selves as long as there are no real world consequences.

He vetoes the crazier ideas from the other two selves, and is the one standing ready with the safe word.

An experienced or brave Vanilla Self is content to sit back and only intervene if absolutely necessary. A more fragile one may suddenly pull the plug if surprised or shocked.

Vanilla also deals with the practicalities making it possible to enable both selves to fulfil themselves.

All three selves have their own turn ons and fetishes and these don't always overlap.

(Oddly, this all roughly corresponds to the ego states proposed by Transactional Analysis In TA terms, these selves are probably Masochist (C), Vanilla (A), and Submissive (P).)

How our Kink Selves work together

I think these selves work together to create the submissive experience.

Submissive and Masochist Selves often dance an exquisite waltz. For example, when Xena leaves me kneeling in the corner:

At first, I know Submissive peace. Then I get bored, frustrated and even cross. At which point Masochist kicks in, and I get horribly turned on by my situation. Being turned on makes me happy, so I sink back into my Submissive Self.

Though Vanilla often reins in Masochist, they also conspire to make Submissive suffer.

Sometimes, Masochist turns on Vanilla instead.There are whole kinks based around this, some relying on creating powerful illusions However, outside this self-aware practises, there is a real risk of self destructive behaviour and relationship choices.

Vanilla Self generally works to protect and reassure Submissive; "Don't worry, you can keep submitting, nothing really bad will happen." And, in truth, Submissive often offers a refuge for Vanilla.

What our Three Kink Selves mean for Dominants

You can use our three
selves to... get what
you want.

You can use our three selves to deepen our submission and - within limits - better get what you want.

First and foremost, you need to keep Vanilla happy and quiescent.

This means both respecting our limits, so we feel safe, but also doing your best not to "break character" and awaken our Vanilla selves during intense sessions. If suddenly confronted with our other selves, Vanilla can become embarrassed and take over.

Later, you can praise us in vanilla terms - how brave we were, how magnificently kinky, and be careful about when you address our Submissive Self.

Next, you can make an ally of Masochist. Sure, he can make us a bit pushy, but he's also eager to hand you the keys to the kingdom. Whipping works on me. Corner time works on him. He gets off on cross-dressing, I get off on not getting off. This is all leverage Masochist wants you to use.

You can reward us and turn us on by making Masochist contemplate his mind blowing situation, either with quieter moments - like when Xena makes me kneel - or by gloating; "Look at you, pathetic slave. You can't even come, and now I'm going to whip you."

Finally, what our Three Kink Selves mean for Subs

We subs have a right to happiness, same
as everybody else.

There's a strong temptation to abandon our Vanilla Self. Our other selves yearn for it, and ideas about identity and "True" Submission nudge us that direction. I think that's a bad idea.

Our Vanilla Self is an authentic part of us too, and if we empower it to do so, it will negotiate "placements" for our other selves that will make us happy. This is similar to doctors picking their speciality, and priests picking a parish. Having a calling doesn't mean you don't have preferences or that these become irrelevant.

However, for me, it;s the balance between Submissive and Masochist that defines what kind of subs we are.

Somebody who is mostly Masochist is really a "bottom", seeking particular masochistic experiences. To them, submission is a masochistic act, great fun but not sustainable. This can cause confusion and crossed wires. I also suspect that some bottoms evolve into submissives, but don't always realise they've done it.

Somebody who is at least half Submissive is a real sub, more into the D/s dynamic than any particular action. However, being strongly submissive can be a bit embarrassing; it's easier on the ego to pitch oneself as an adventurous bottom, heroic connoisseur of pain! This also causes confusion.

The important thing, though, is to accept all three selves - Submissive, Masochist and Vanilla - as they are and to get them to work in harmony.  We subs have a right to happiness, same as everybody else.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Ask Giles: How do I get my vanilla man into male chastity?

This is, of course, not necessarily a good idea. I've covered the caveats in another blog entry about getting your man into Femdom - please click through and read them. All that said, and assuming (1) chastity isn't in some way triggering for him, and (2) you are not putting undue non-erotic pressure on him, then my advice would be as follows.

Your first task is to find
this Chastity Window,
if it exists...

I've noticed that a kinky dynamic is often inherent in the vanilla dynamic.

In other words, if you are interested in male chastity, then there's probably already something going on in the relationship where male chastity would be a natural enhancement -- call it a Chastity Window.

Your first task is to find this Chastity Window, if it exists.

Perhaps you enjoy flirting with each other out of bed? If so -- by making instant gratification impossible -- male chastity can extend this into the bedroom.

Perhaps he seems to enjoy pleasuring you more than he enjoys getting pleasure himself? Perhaps he likes to earn his orgasms?

Look for some erotic activity where his pleasure is deferred, and you control that deferment.

"I will fulfil some of your wildest
dreams if you will wear the
chastity device while I do it."

If you can't find a window, invent one that suits you. Have a clear idea what you want from male chastity. Does the device come off? Does he get to come during "sex"? Are his orgasms rationed? (If it's really Femdom, then the other article might help you.) There's a good chance that if it works for you it will also ultimately work for him.

The idea is that male chastity is addictive - most of its benefits are sensual and psychological, rather than kinky. So once you get your man into the Chastity Window, over time, he will want to stay there.

However, if he's vanilla, then you can't rely on selling him on the benefits of male chastity!

You need to offer him some compelling vanilla or at least non-Femdom benefit. This should not be too hard; he's bound to have a whole list of fantasies, fetishes. Also -- cynically --  given how "dead" most bedrooms become, you just taking any sort of sexual initiative may be enough to motivate him.

What you're offering, then, is a trade; "I will fulfil some of your wildest dreams if you will wear the chastity device while I do it." Of course, over time, the fantasies become wilder but the duration in chastity becomes longer.

Make sure you have provide him with a comfortable chastity device. I can personally vouch for Holy Trainer, Custom Chastity look promising, cheap Chinese devices can be OK for 24 hours, and there's always the Oxballs which are cheap but comfortable.

Once you have a suitable device, you could follow a programme like this (customized for your window and his fantasies!):

1. He wears the device for most of an erotic session. In return, you wear stockings.
2. He wears the device for all of an erotic session but gets to jerk off at the end. In return, you wear stockings and he gets to use sex toys on you.
3. He wears the device for all of an erotic session and overnight. In return, you wear stockings and let him watch you masturbate.
4. He wears the device all week, for the entire erotic session and overnight. In return, you wear stockings and perform any sexual act on yourself that he asks you to.
5. He wears the device all week, for the entire erotic session and overnight. However, the rules now change. He has to buy erotic activity with additional days of lock up, for example, one day per orgasm you have.

The main thing is to offer him wild erotic experiences, but at the price of wearing the chastity device. After a while, there's a chance he will think this is a fair trade...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Our final (?) Female Led Relationship Contract

Xena started off vanilla!

Well, 6 months is up! Despite it being a busy time for Xena, we managed to talk over how things have been going. I wrote up the changes, she approved them, and here it is!

You'll notice it's designed to be future proof. We'll review it in a year, but there are mechanisms in it to enable it to evolve as required, plus ways for it to lapse. You'll also notice additions to the discipline system. I'll try to blog about these later.

Giles and Xena Female Relationship Contract September 2015

This contract describes our existing Female Led Relationship (FLR). These rules reflect Xena's wishes, but Giles is mostly responsible for keeping track of them.

This contract remains in effect between milestones. The next milestones is Sept 2016, unless Xena judges that circumstances have changed. On reaching a milestone, Xena and Giles(?) will decide together whether and how to continue.

We will treat the FLR as real. Except in exceptional circumstances, we will solve any issues within the framework of the FLR. Punishment will always be real but never "meta". Xena won't reference that Giles volunteered for this. He in turn will never seek to generate kink through bad behavior.

Xena may unilaterally modify the contract (a) temporarily for practical reasons, (b) to make it harsher or stricter, or (c) to remove any modifications. i.e. revert to this document. Xena may also call for a renegotiation if the contract appears not to be working.

From time to time, Giles may suggest improvements to better reflect current practice, or to help Xena get what she wants. If he does this too often, Xena may punish him.

The FLR is a secret. Giles may only discuss it with those friends who already know about his blog, unless otherwise instructed by Xena. However, Giles may admit to enjoying Femdom to other kinky friends as socially appropriate, though the presumption is against. Xena may discuss Femdom as she sees fit, but will avoid revealing the FLR to other non-submissive men, directly or indirectly.

Core Female Led Relationship

...we are both happy that Xena is the
naturally dominant partner
Find out how to add Femdom to your life!

Xena will bring certainty and adventure to Giles's life. He in turn will bring control and service to hers.

We are a loving relationship founded on mutual respect. However, we are both happy that Xena is the naturally dominant partner and that our sexual relationship is entirely Femdom. We feel no need to disentangle all this.

Our relationship style will range from "comfortable married couple where she gets the last word", through to "cold mistress and semi-mute slave". Giles will take his cue from Xena, but she will also make her wishes clear if he gets it wrong.

Xena has authority whenever she wants it, but Giles is still an adult. Xena is routinely in charge of domestic and intimate life. She has arbitrary powers of punishment and reward including Giles's orgasm.

Xena can use her powers to get what she wants, no matter how unreasonable. She may also do things for Giles's own good, or because they amuse her. Giles will obey honestly and to the best of his ability.

When appropriate in private, Xena will express happiness with the arrangement, praise Giles for his efforts, but avoid saying thankyou. Giles is best motivated by acknowledgment of his submissive role.

All this suits Xena, who prefers things this way, and Giles, who is enjoying embracing his submissive nature, and also sees this as a way of making an adventure out of necessity.

Authority and Discipline

Xena sets priorities and gives orders as she sees fit. She may also set longer term Tasks. Giles will serve and obey honestly. He will report any measurable professional or personal targets Xena might want to manage.

Xena will hand out Demerits for quality issues and also: whenever she raises her voice or is angry with Giles; whenever Giles raises his voice to her or is grumpy with her. 

Each demerit translates into at 

least one stroke of a whip or equivalent. 

Find out how to add Femdom to your life!

Each demerit translates into at least one stroke of a whip or equivalent. She will normally administer the demerits at least once a month. Giles will normally be restrained for this. Irrespective of Slave Points (see below), Giles may petition for Xena to wear something nice for major beatings. However, this is at his own risk.

Xena will give Penalty Days for failure to perform a task. These put back Giles's Orgasm Day (see below) by one or more of Xena's working days.

A Serious Punishment comprises at least: 50 Demerits and 5 weeks of Penalty Days (i.e.2 5 Days) . This is the equivalent of the world falling in on Gile's head, and is intended to make particular transgressions simply unthinkable.

Automatic Serious Punishments are earned for:

• If Giles applies emotional pressure in response to Xena's orgasm choices. This does not preclude him whimpering briefly as an erotic response, for which she can apply demerits.
• If Giles masturbates to ejaculation without permission.
• If Xena sees Giles's unchaste erect penis. 

In general, Xena will use the discipline system to make herself feel better when Giles annoys her, and as a tool to get what she wants. She will therefore be strict and merciless -- sometimes whimsical -- ignoring any excuses.

Sometimes, however, Xena will hand out Slave Points, which Giles may spend by negotiation, e.g. to get her to wear something sexy while punishing him. Slave Points do not offset Demerits.

We will track Demerits, Penalty days and Slave Points using clicker counters. Giles will normally store and operate these. Xena can zero existing Slave Points by committing to take control of the counters for one day per point.

Chastity

Giles will remain in chastity whenever practical, particularly at night. He may remove the device for socializing. 

Giles may only masturbate during his Orgasm Day. These fall only during Xena's working week when the house is empty and not during holidays. By default, Orgasm Day is the first day of Xena's working week. With Xena's permission, untaken days shift to the next available day, with any Penalty Days applying to that instead.

Bedtime Ritual

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, clean-shaven, chaste, and ready for bed. From this point onward, he will address her as "mistress".

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, 

clean-shaven, chaste...

Learn how to become chaste like me!

He will present the demerit counter and ask Xena what she did not like today. If he has to remind her to demerit an incident, he earns a Slave Point. (If she suspects he's attention seeking, she can apply far worse punishments.)

Giles will otherwise kneel patiently in the corner pending orders from Xena , returning there between tasks. Xena will often leave Giles there to indicate general displeasure, especially if he has earned demerits, or merely because she wants the bed to herself.

If Xena falls asleep while Giles is kneeling, he may come to bed after a decent interval, unless erotic activity or punishment has taken place, in which case - if practical - he may change position but must otherwise remain in the corner to sleep for at least the next hour.

Intimate Matters

He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (penalty)
This could be you! Find out how !

Giles and Xena do not at present have penis-in-vagina sex. Giles is happy with this because he has had lots of vanilla sex in the past, and not nearly enough Femdom.

Giles may not initiate erotic intimacy, but may remind Xena to set aside intimate time. Xena has control over Giles’s orgasms but will not normally be present when they happen.

Each of Xena’s orgasms costs Giles one or more Penalty Days (figures in bracket for working days):

• She masturbates with him out of the room – 0.5 day (1 day).
• She masturbates while he kneels or otherwise in the room – 1 day (2 days)
• She masturbates while he watches with a clear view – 2 days (4 days)
• He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (6 days)
• He brings her to orgasm using a strap-on dildo – 4 days (8 days).
• He brings her to orgasm through PIV - 5 days (10 days).

Other specific  erotic circumstances in which penalties can be earned:

• On Xena's whim.
• As the price of being involved in some erotic act including PIV ejaculation. 

During erotic time, Giles's orgasms typically do not happen.  He remains chaste except for the unlikely event of PIV sex. Xena may grant Giles a chaste orgasm as long as she is supervising, i.e. at minimum holding his leash chain. She can curtail his efforts on whim:

• Solo by self-penetration (if he can do it), no penalty. 
• Solo by vibrator, 5 days. 
• Spontaneous ejaculation, at least 5 days 10 demerits. 

If it amuses her, Xena may set up beatings using butt plugs and other devices to encourage an unlicensed ejaculation. Giles will advise honestly on this.

Sex and Bondage Toy Maintenance

Giles is responsible for the maintenance, cleaning and stowage of the bondage toy collection.
If his chastity device breaks, he must wear the backup as continuously as possible to avoid breaking that until a replacement is available.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.