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My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Ask Giles: Is a Female Led Relationship is the submissive truly serving, or is it a trade?

In Ancient Rome, she'd still have to manage
her slave: give him orders, discipline him,
keep him in his place.
On Chastity Mansion, somebody asked: "Is it serving or is it a trade?"

I think it's quite common for dominant women to hide behind the idea of a trade for a long time before taking ownership of the FLR. However, it's only a trade in that all relationships are an implicit trade.

Our desire to serve comes from our submissive orientation. It's not some higher calling. So what we really want is particular role in a relationship.

The baseline proposition is then: "Let me be your slave and you can enjoy things unavailable in a normal relationship."

Ah, but kinky "slaves" require particular treatment! Isn't that a trade?

No because, if this were some dystopia - or Ancient Rome! - where a woman could simply purchase a personal slave, she'd still have to manage him: give him orders, discipline him, keep him in his place. There'd also be protocol so his presence didn't feel intrusive.

As long as the particular treatment  makes sense - has no over the top extras - then it's no more a trade than, say, adopting a dog and then having to feed, house and train it.

You could argue that, since he can get bored and pull the plug at any time, she will always feel as if it's a trade. However, from the start, he usually has more to lose than her. He's literally trapped by his own orientation. Over time, the roles just start to feel real and normal.

So though the mistress/slave relationship implies mutual obligations, I don't think it's an actual trade by any common meaning of the word. It certainly doesn't feel like one!

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Wednesday, 4 July 2018

What will Future Femdom be like?

I stand by my statement that "Femdom has no history".

The dominatrix has a history. She goes back to Summerian times at least. However, she was nicely shrink-wrapped and fire-walled in her temple precinct.

So if you insist, then, yes, Female Domination has a history, a tradition, but not the Female Dominant style of relationships. And since we can use "Femdom" to mean "a female dominant", I take that to be the core meaning:

Femdom: A relationship and/or erotic style in which the woman, her desires and needs, dominates.

What about Femdom's future history?

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

Kinky Actual Bucket List: Femdom Adventures I Won't Have

Just in case you thought I was living in Femdom paradise, there are plausibly doable kinky things I'd do - or I'm fairly certain I'd do - that I won't ever get to.

Temporary Chattel Slave with No Emotional Relationship

She would have to be my type..
There was a malesub on Reddit who claimed to have spent some of college as the slave to the Lesbian couple who happened to be his roommates. I'd be so up for this. There wouldn't have to be any erotic engagement from them as long as they disciplined me and kept me chaste.  I can't think of a deeper expression of my submissive love for women than to just serve such a couple.

However, I'd also be happy being the chaste slave of just one woman who didn't really know me or care about me, but did enjoy my erotic services. She wouldn't have to be my type, or even attractive. In fact the further from my type the better. Yes, it would be titillating and exciting, and there would be a measure of participative voyeurism. However, it would also be as humble an erotic situation as I can imagine.

For added points, I'd like to be casually passed around between temporary owners. "Your flat looks like it needs a clean. Shall I lend you Giles?"

This is primarily not ever going to happen because I missed the boat. I needed to have moved in BDSM circles at college or before I got married! However, even if I had done clubs and munches, I would have had to have been extremely fortunate.

Serving More Than One Woman as House Slave

I like women.
I like women. It would be awesome to spend - say - a weekend looking after a party of women as a house slave. It wouldn't have to be sexy. It would be enough to be acknowledged as a slave and otherwise ignored, except when Xena gave orders or handed out demerits.

For added points, the punishment could take place in a shared space. (Anything beyond that starts to look like erotic fantasy, and stops being "doable".)

This won't ever happen because Xena is too private, and because we aren't part of a kinky RL circle, and because even if we were it would be hard to find interested parties.

Watching While Cuckolded by a Lesbian 

Unbelievably hot.
There's an older guy on Chastity Mansion who claims, with internal consistency, to have spent the last two decades of his married life being cuckolded by a Lesbian dominatrix while being kept chaste! (It's not an entirely happy story. His wife was probably always a lesbian, but didn't know it because it was the 1970s or whatever. So what they ended up with was a good working compromise. Unfortunately his wife's kinky partner has had to move away, leaving him high and very dry.)

I find this unbelievably hot. Watching and being denied would push my buttons, as would being superseded by a woman.

For added points, this could be in the context of one of the first two scenarios.

It's not going to happen because Xena is 100% straight, or else is unwilling to explore her bi side. Even if she was, she'd have to find a female partner willing to have a slave in attendance. Too bad.pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage

PA Piercing with Permanent Chastity

Pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage (source)
Mina's Bitch over on tumblr is (or was?) pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage.

I can't get the pictures out of my head!

I used to think getting  a pierced dick was extreme at best, and probably unwise. Now, since we haven't had sex for four or so years, the idea doesn't seem quite so silly and the benefits - inescapable chastity - have become attractive.

Make that chastity permanent - as in this stays on until we tire of being these people - and you've got me;  a perfect storm.

It's not going to happen because... well, I don't think I want a hole in my dick. There's also the random factor - will the thing migrate? - and the need to wait nearly two months before installing a device. And Xena would have to want it, which seems unlikely. However if she did, my objections would work against me... but that's for another post.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Sunday, 10 June 2018

What pushes my wife's buttons about male chastity...

"I prefer you that way, slave. All locked up."

I'm kneeling at the foot of the bed, naked except for my chastity device and nipple clamps.

Xena, my wife of two decades, is having a marathon vibrator session.

This is Femdom in the raw.

It's neither a negotiated scene nor optimum for me - she has the covers drawn up so there's nothing for me to see.

There's no safeword or traffic light colours. I have no control over the action whatsoever.

All I can do is kneel there horribly horribly turned on, aware that I won't be allowed to remove my Custom Chastity Saint for weeks, and only then for quick breaks, not for any kind of orgasm, not until I've lost another 2.1 kg.

I groan.

She looks up over the mound of her knees under the covers. "Having trouble, slave?"

She knows "slave" sets me off. Knowing she knows makes it even more powerful.

My captive cock strains against its cage and I gasp, "Tell me you prefer me this way, mistress!"

 I won't be allowed to remove
my Custom Chastity Saint for weeks
"I prefer you that way, slave. All locked up."

My hips twitch and I groan again.

She giggles.

And suddenly it clicks.

Tomorrow morning, Xena will head off for a few days for work. Just before lights out, I insisted she take responsibility for the key. (Call it topping from the bottom if you like. However, from where I'm standing... kneeling... it's more a case of me not giving it away for free. If she wants a slave - she emphatically does - then she has to actually manage him.)

The totally non-kinky honest it's
to help your diet
ksafe timelock safe!  
Xena opted for the ksafe. She wasn't really interested in the process but she pressed the button and I got my moment of fear as the lugs whirred into their slots and I was irrevocably locked up for three days.

I made a point of telling her this was for real: yes, I can pull out the back, but if I masturbate I end up too puffy and bruised to get back in for an hour or so, so I'm then stuck with a partially installed chastity device locked to my balls and can't, e.g., go out to meetings or sit at my desk and work.

Xena has worked late to polish off a report, so lights out arrives with no kinky pyrotechnics. However... in the dark, she suddenly becomes frisky - prodding my balls with her feet and getting me turned on while I whimper.

"Better not have a wet dream," she purs. "That'll be another two weeks." More prodding.

More groaning from me.

"Night night slave."


"Oh, I know what I want to do."

The light comes on and suddenly I'm kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed while her vibrator buzzes under the covers.

She enjoyed male as prey.
Back when we were dating, she was very sexually... aggressive? Adventurous? Wild?

At the time, I took that as a meeting of erotic minds. However, looking back, I think she enjoyed male as prey. She dominated by being super sexual, overwhelming her more inhibited partners.

The snag was that, even back then, I didn't have many inhibitions. So our baseline vanilla sexual styles were ultimately incompatible.

That left vanilla and kinky teasing styles: stringing out my orgasm, making me work for it. That amused her for a while. However, for her, deep down, tuning into me and playing me artfully always felt irritatingly like service, and she's very dominant.

We were left with what we mostly have now: a warm marriage, but a coldly instrumental erotic relationship in which I serve and she takes, and she sometimes beats me for various infractions.

I like being used
I'm not complaining, I like being used. (To be honest, if I weren't married I would be fine in that kind of part-time relationship with somebody where there was no emotional bond whatsoever.)

However, it's also a turn on for me when she's turned on by kink, and of course I want her to be happy and have her peak moments. And it makes the Femdom both more sustainable and more deliciously unpredictable.

How do my wife's peak erotic moments arrive?

Mostly in what I think of as Diva Mode. Here's her Mode Table as per my Vanilla Dominatrix book:

The red arrow indicates her diminishing energy levels. It's never about me, and only ever about her when she's feeling energised. My reactions are important as proof of her power. She's neither playing me nor really engaging with my feelings.

Her peak moments arrive mostly
when she beats me
Mostly, Diva Mode only happens when she beats me. If it's not too late at night and she has the energy, more often than not giving me a thorough beating gets her turned on enough to masturbate, or even involve me.

The beatings are never something I can duck out of. She's made it quite clear that safe words are for actual safety only. She can hurt me as much as she likes, even if it leaves me weeping.

It sounds as brutal as hell - it is, deliciously so. However, turn it on its head and see it from her point of view.

Any sense that her power is provisional, that I can turn the tables and pull the rug out from under her leaving her looking silly, is a passion killer. She'd end up second guessing herself, trying to judge things right so I didn't pull the plug.

Unconditional power may be a turn on, but for her it's also a disinhibitor. If she feels secure, then she can settle back and enjoy the Femdom.

Her other peak Femdom moments arise when she starts teasing me about being locked. It's always after lights out, and always when it's really clear I'm staying locked for a while, especially when the ksafe comes into action.

I did try to reflect this with our original FLR chastity system: her orgasms put back mine by days or even weeks. This stopped working after a couple of years. The mistake was that it made her orgasms about me rather than a celebration of her power. Essentially I was trying to nudge her into the wrong column.

I suggested something different at the start of this year: we agreed she would try a month of her having the arbitrary power to tell me to unlock on a Monday (i.e. to get off) and that otherwise I would stay chaste. She simply denied me an orgasm for four weeks.

Which takes us back to me kneeling on the floor, quivering while the vibrator buzzes around my wife's unseen pussy.

Security lets her relax into her dominance.
It's never about how long I've been locked, or the act of locking. That's all about making a fuss over me and my emotions.

I had thought it was about how long I will be locked, but really that was just her need to set sensible limits so her conscience didn't kick in. The more practical the chastity device, the longer I've shown  I can cope with chastity, the more casual she is about leaving me locked in it.

So my wife has three kinky passion killers and two matching kinky dis-inhibitors:
  • An insecure power relationship makes her hold back for fear of breaking it. Security lets her relax into her dominance.
  • Responsibility makes her second guess herself, and feels like service. Freedom from responsibility unleashes her whimsical sadistic side.
  • Focus on me feels like service. Focus on her makes her horny. 
What am I going to do about this? (Because it's my job to come up with ways to make the Female Led Relationship work for both of us.)

I'll certainly continue to treat the rules and the power as real! Also, the Saint 2.0 I'm expecting to get to field test later in the year will be even more practical than the one I am currently locked into. I have a horrible sexy feeling that that will take the brakes off her dominance.

That leaves how to deal with lockup.

  • She clearly doesn't enjoy managing my lock up - that forces her to be responsible and puts the focus on me, a double whammy.
  • She clearly does want me to be in as close to permanent chastity as is practical, even if she doesn't quite want to take responsibility for it.
  • She's most enthusiastic when it's not about my heroic feats of self discipline (and hence me), e.g. since I've been able to wear 24/7 my periods of chastity have increased.
  • When lockup is the default, then she doesn't tend to order me to unlock.

....does want me to be in
as close to permanent chastity
as is practical... 
So we should definitely use the ksafe more, and set it for much longer time periods. Or try sealing the device in some semi permanent way. And I should not expect too much drama around the actual locking.

However, it does seem to be a good thing to call attention to how much time ahead I have to endure.

This leads me to an interesting idea.

Suppose I set the ksafe for two weeks, locked the key in, then took the batteries out?

Each night when I present her with my demerit counter, I could also offer a little plastic wallet with the batteries in it. She has the option to tell me install them so I can be freed in two weeks. If she doesn't feel like making a decision, I stay locked by default. However, she's also reminded that I'm locked for at least those two weeks...

We'll see.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 4 June 2018

How many men are locked in chastity? What's the chaste population?

You can bet on at least 20% developed
world couples with a man in them
do kink at least some of the time.
There are lots of surveys on BDSM. You can bet on at least 20% developed world couples with a man in them do kink at least some of the time.

(I take the 20% from a stunning survey of Irish couples.)

Say 50% of kinky relationships involve male submission (it's M/m, F/m or they switch).

(Quebec sexual fantasy survey has roughly half of all people fantasising about dominating their partner or being dominated by them.)

The chastity device is now a pretty standard malesub accessory, and cheap, so let's say 50% of malesub couples have one.

So, 20% x 50% x 50% = 5% of men have a male chastity device, perhaps (and we're still in the developed world here).

How many men are locked in an ongoing way (rather than just for an evening)?

Perhaps 5% of men own a chastity device
On the one hand, lifestyle relationships have to be outliers.

On the other ahd, chastity and D/s has its own gravity. The slope is slippery.

So let's say 5% of men who have a chastity device are actually locked.

5% of 5% is 0.25%

So I'd say that 1 in  400 men are "locked".

Which is still pretty stunning. I would guess these are clustered in certain demographics, meaning that if you are locked, then you're probably already in the demographic where most people are kinky.

So, perhaps 1 in 80 of the men around you are locked in chastity...

Monday, 28 May 2018

12 Rules for Malesub Life

1. Never remove your invisible collar

Your invisible collar
If you collar your submission, if you own it, then you can control it or at least know when it's subverting you.

Most of the worse sins of malesubs result from flip flopping between abject submission and total rejection of submission. Most of our worst relationship foul-ups result from being in deep denial that we are in fact submissives.

Wear your mental collar to remind you that you are never not a sub.

2. But be your own protector

Ultimately you are the one responsible for yourself and your own happiness. It's OK to be careful where you give your submission, and to withdraw it when a relationship makes you unhappy.

3. Get on your knees

It's the simple dynamic that matters
Accept that it's the simple dynamic that matters, not the masturbation fantasies and fetishes we develop. Don't over think or over ask.

4. And bravely do it for real

All the fantasy play, complex negotiations, and scene jargon? The prominence of dominatrix culture where all is simulation and the intensity adapts to you like a video game?

They're all ways to walk around the elephant in the room: the starkness of the urge to submit and the urge to dominate. Of course you need the communication and the consent, but they are mere safety lines that free you to plunge into the delicious darkness.

5. Submit by offering her the tools to get what she wants

What she wants
Whoever she is, she has her own motivations and desires. You can submit more ethically, more sustainable by submitting to those. However, remember the bit about being your own protector?

There's nothing wrong with doing this by offering her your kinks as tools to get what she wants, as long as they make some kind of sense.

She is unlikely to want some of the things you spin as a "service", but she may be happy to use them to get other things.

6. And revel in the resulting asymmetry

 Not everything she wants will turn her on.
If you're being used for real, wallow in the authenticity of your submission, but do not complain that she does not reciprocate your excitement. Not everything she wants will turn her on. Not everything that gets her off will get you hard.

7. Make yourself worthy

Begin your submission well before you meet her. Get fit. Attend to your personal grooming. Learn to dress yourself. You are not a loser, and positioning yourself as such may feel submissive, but it's not attractive.

While we are at it, learn to do the services you'd like to offer. Know how to truly clean a room, make a meal, massage a back and serve at table. And the kinks. With notable exceptions, most women aren't gearheads or bondage geeks. You need to know how to make complex kinks work, and test any equipment well beyond what you'll ever ask for.

8. Embrace the vanilla

The root of all kinky action is vanilla. 
All long term kinky relationships have to at least survive in the vanilla world, meaning you need to be good enough at vanilla life in order to be able to make and keep commitments. Most real long term kinky relationships are also vanilla ones, meaning you need vanilla as well as kinky relationship skills.

The root of all kinky action is vanilla. Tease and deny is just weaponised flirting. Corporal punishment is just amplified power play, or one-sided martial arts. A chastity device is a penis wedding ring. Service is service.

This means that you can find new kink in your partner's vanilla tastes and that - happily - even if she isn't a fetishist, she may well enjoy what kink has to offer.

It also means that you can find kink in vanilla places.

9. Seek kink with brave honesty

When you ask for kink, actually ask for it. Don't hide your desires until the relationship is established - that's bait and switch; immoral but also foolish. Just as men have no leg to stand on complaining when they end up in the friend zone, malesubs have only themselves to blame if we end up in the vanilla zone.

10. Wander humbly, don't be a pilgrim or a thrill seeker

It's tempting to orbit around a dominant
woman being an enabler
Kink isn't a quest to get to a certain goal. Have the humility to accept that you won't know whether you truly want something until you experience it. You can only escalate so far before you become dangerous to yourself and others. At some point you need to settle into wandering around your kinky comfort zone.

11. Don't be a vanilla enabler or a pushy sub

It's tempting to orbit a dominant woman being an enabler, blindly supporting her, encouraging her to drift further and further from acceptable real world behaviour. You may tell yourself it's a form of submission, but really it's exploitation.

And in kink, especially with an inexperienced domme, it's sometimes easy through pushiness to nudge her into a service topping relationship... for a while before she dumps you or the femdom goes away. Don't do this.

12. Enjoy the other stuff in life

It's not all about kink. Just because you are kinky doesn't mean your life has to revolve around it. Get out and enjoy the world.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Domme-Chronicles "Happy Femdom Stories" is FREE and nearly Amazon No.1!!

Domme-Chronicles blogger Ferns has a book called Happy Femdom Stories Volume 1: Joyful stories of finding love & dominance
It's free right now. Better yet, it's rocketing up the Amazon bestseller list! Look -
  • 836 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
  • 1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Sex
  • 3 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Relationships > Love & Romance
  • 86 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Nonfiction
I rather like the idea of it getting to the top 20. There are lot of people who could do with reading it - think if it as a real life counter blast to 50 Shades.
So if you click through and download it, you'll not only be getting a great book free, but also doing your bit to raise consciousness about real life sustainable Femdom. Here's the Amazon US link.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)