How to turn your wife or girlfriend into a sadist...

Well, you can't. And if you could - if you could press a mind modification button to make it happen - you shouldn't. 

However, if you give her the opportunity to explore Femdom in the right way, then experience shows she may well discover a sadistic streak. I've just read a book by Steven Pinker that in briefly talking about sadism explains how this works:

When we experience something we don't like, we feel aversion. When the experience stops, we feel a buzz of relief.

The neat thing is that the aversion wears out, leaving us with an increasingly intense buzz. This is why some things are an acquired taste. Chili, for example, or bungee jumping.

Why the - call it - rebound buzz? Perhaps the aversion module temporally burns out, so the buzz is there by contrast, like when you hit the shower after a run. Perhaps it's some Darwinian thing - the buzz is a reward for persisting in something you don't enjoy.

It doesn't really matter. The point is that the rebound buzz happens at the animal level, is visceral and automatic.

So if your partner whips, first beats to spanks you, then at first she may feel a very human aversion to causing pain, but when she stops doing it, she gets a rebound buzz. After a while, the rebound buzz becomes more intense and the aversion fades away.

Congratulations, your wife or girlfriend now enjoys hurting you. That makes her a sadist.

But how do you get her to hit you in the first place? Use the techniques in my Femdom how-to book, The Vanilla Dominatrix. Pick activities you think she'll like, suggest them, and, with consent, follow through (for godssake) by setting them up.

If you do this - only introduce activities that offer her something - then the whip or hairbrush usually first appear as a means to an end of her liking: "Here's a whip. Feel free to use it to direct me as I make love to you/do the chores."

Steven Pinker calls this "Instrumental Violence", violence done as a way of getting something. It's something humans cheerfully use whenever they feel morally OK about it, not just in the dim distant past, or in 3rd-world hellholes and 1st-world crime zones, but also on the civilised sports field. This makes it the easy one to get her to do, especially if it demonstrably produces results she enjoys ("Lick faster!" THWACK!!!)

(from "he stoops to worhsip")

Now the taboo's broken, the way opens for two more delicious kinds of violence: "Dominance Violence", in which she strikes you to show she's in charge; and  "Revenge Violence", which extends this into retaliation for slights - in other words, if she's cross, she hits you.

As described in my book, once you've got all three kinds of violence going, you've arrived at that dark point where the Femdom corner of your relationship feels real.

If Steven Pinker's theories are right, it should be round about now that she also starts to enjoy beating you for it's own sake. You'd better have a good firewall in place...

"How to be a vanilla dominatrix" - How to be bad (T&D)

Here's an excerpt from my work in progress, "How to be a vanilla dominatrix." This is all about how to enjoy being a vanilla dominatrix. Let me know what you think...

HOW TO BE BAD

In an ideal - male fantasy - world, your partner could hand you a whip, put you in charge. Your dark side would take over and you'd instantly become a terrifying yet sensual dominatrix.

This isn't of course very common. If you're reading this book, you're probably not one of those vanishingly rare natural dominatrices. This is probably a good thing, since it's you your partner loves, not some latex fantasy.

However - again - since you're reading this book, you're obviously open to experimenting with Femdom in ways that are mutually satisfying.

That means you have the problem of how to be bad.

There are two approaches to this.

You could treat the fantasies as a menu. You can look over the menu - his or your fantasies, or ideas from erotica or fetish forums - and pick the onces you fancy. It's certainly worth a try. Unfortunately, it's not always clear why you would enjoy a particular activity, and the activities themselves don't always hang together naturally.

More natural, though requiring a little more thought, is to build fantasies from who you already are. That's what this chapter is about.

Your vanilla sexuality is a fantastic foundation for authentic but deeply kinky Femdom. This shouldn't be too much of a surprise because most male submissive fantasies are just an exaggeration of what women already do.

Don't believe me?

Take an example. A popular (but not universal) male kink is for "teasing and denial"

In Teasing and Denial (T&D) she leads him on, then denies him orgasm.

Only a minority of - usually young - women do this deliberately. In the UK we call them "prick teases", though "ruthless flirt" would be a fairer term. Sometimes they get an erotic buzz from this, other times it's the attention or pampering they enjoy. (There's nothing inherently wrong with this sort of behaviour. If the men stick around, it's because they're enjoying it.)

However, a majority of women have done this truly without intending to, or even being aware of it. You may be on a date enjoying kissing or petting, he thinks this is the lead up to sex. You may be the grateful beneficiary of practical help, he thinks he's seducing you. Or perhaps you enjoy an active social life with friends of both sexes, but occasionally have to distance yourself when a male friend becomes frisky.

Deliberate or accidental, it doesn't matter. Men, young men especially, live in a crazy sexualised world. The male (entirely subjective) experience of courting is to be continually led on and repulsed, teased and denied. We don't mind really, because it's so very exciting... and because some of us get a secret satisfaction from submitting to it.

That heady mix of excitement and submission, and the association with youth and attractive females, easily produce a fantasy where the teasing and denial go further. For instance, she enjoys her sexual penetration but makes him withdraw before he can come, or she toys with his penis until he's ready to ejaculate, then stops...

It's not a kink that females easily empathise with. Fortunately, like your Ancient Roman incarnation, you don't have to. All that matters is that you enjoy your side of the kink.

If you always found flirting fun, and if you've missed it since settling down, then perhaps teasing and denial is actually worth experimenting with. Not only do you get to flirt with your partner, you also get to have your cake and eat it; you get to flirt and have an orgasm while doing it.

That kind of activity is what I call a game. It's like the "sex games" you get in vanilla manuals - the classic Joy of Sex calls it "slow masturbation" - and like the "scenes" you encounter in BDSM culture. You are deliberately setting out to tease and deny him (at least for a little while). You're calling the shots, and he's quite possibly tied up. You tease and he pleads.

The problem with games is that they require time, energy, self confidence, and some skill. If your first response isn't "That sounds fun," then it's probably a blend of "How the heck to I make that work?" and "It sounds like a lot of trouble".

That's fine. If you still like the idea of the kink, you can get enjoy it in other less demanding ways.

The easiest is to introduce a rule: He doesn't get to come unless you say so or perhaps doesn't get to come at all, and no pleading (unless you like the idea). You can even enforce this with a prop; there are plenty of reasonably cheap male chastity devices on the market at the moment (see later). Now, if you like, you can make love "business as usual", totally mutual and spontaneous, except that for that rule.

So, you're making love with a man who isn't allowed to come... Or better yet is in a chastity device. Might you be tempted to tease him a little bit? A caress here, a taunt there? "Is that nice? What a shame you can't put your cock there..." Because you're both doing something else, in this case making love, you have the space to also enjoy dipping into the game.

Another approach to teasing and denial is through service.

Service means him actually performing tasks you'd want him to do anyway. Licking your boots doesn't count as a service, licking between them does, as does cleaning the room and doing the household chores. The thing about service is that your slave can only do as he's told; he needs a positive instruction in order to come. Denial is the default.

So, if your slave performs an erotic service with little hope of an orgasm, then that's still teasing and denial. You can get your back rubbed, enjoy oral sex... whatever, all with his frustration to add spice.

Just as with a rule, service can also give you the space to actively play a T&D game. The service doesn't even need to be erotic! If you enjoyed the long drawn out game of real life flirting, then you can do the same with your slave. Set him a mundane chore, and flirt outrageously and physically while enjoying the sense of security that comes from complete control.

Now, what if you're not interested - excited - by teasing or denying your slave? It's still possible that you might enjoy not being responsible for his orgasm.

For example, there may be times of the month when you enjoy erotic play, but not penetration, or find regular sex a bit too messy. A rule will help here. It's also possible that you enjoy a back rub with a "happy ending", and once you're sleepy and sated you lose interest in sex: that would be service.

Finally, what if teasing and denial doesn't excite you, and you are always happy for him to have an orgasm, but it's still a major fantasy for him?

If you feel like it, you can still use rules, games and service but, as a perk for him, deliver a dose of teasing and denial.

By perk, I mean something that's extra, that's for your partner's benefit, even if it makes your slave more miserable. It could be something as simple as you wearing stockings, or as complex as a drawn out ritual or game.

Teasing and denial is one of those perks that need not require much effort on your part. For example, you can proceed as normal, but with the rule that he's not allowed to orgasm or plead. If he's in a chastity device, it need not even interfere with normal sex - just make him use a "strap-on" dildo. This has the added benefit that you get to pick the shape and size, and he "lasts" as long as you want him to, and no longer. It's also the ultimate in safe sex... The same goes for service.

Of course, if pleading his part of his fantasy, you have the option to just tell him "tough luck". Or, perhaps you enjoy punishing him for pleading.

So, teasing and denial is like a lot of Femdom. It starts with something quite normal, vanilla flirting or occasional female indifference to male sexual needs, and uses rules, games and services to ramp it up into something wild and kinky.

Mistakes Subs Make: Not following through

I've done this myself more times than I am comfortable confessing to.

The nice thing about the Internet is that I now know I am not alone. Blogs and fetish forums are sprinkled with similar stories.

It goes like this.

Sub to vanilla partner: "I've got this fantasy etc etc."

Vanilla partner: "Odd. But not entirely off putting."

Sub to vanilla partner: "Would you like to try it some day?"

Vanilla partner: "Sure. (Changes the subject.)"

The sub thinks, Phew. That went well. Thank god that's done. And then they wait for their fantasies to come true.

Of course, nothing happens. Vanilla sex and live continues as before.

Now the sub is stuck. The sexuality he (or she craves) is one in which the partner has the control. Being demanding doesn't seem to fit. Plus there's the dread of topping from the bottom. Sub thinks back to the conversation. His partner seemed a little offhand about the whole thing.

Perhaps she needs reminding.

Later in bed.

Sub to vanilla partner: Remember that fantasy etc etc.
Vanilla partner:Sure. Tell me about it if it turns you on.
Sub to vanilla partner: Would you like to try it some day?

Vanilla partner: Sure. (Changes the subject.)

And repeat, until she's bored or irritated.

Years later she'll close down all mention of the subject and perhaps   - in an odd form of rejection - tell him to "Sut the fuck up and go see a pro dominatrix!"

It's sad really because the first response was so positive: affectionate engagement  in his fantasy followed by unfussed agreement to experiment. She wasn't actually offhand, it's just that it's No Big Thing to her; just a kinky bedroom game, not an all consuming mental world.

The sub confused the boundary between the vanilla relationship and the Femdom space he was trying to build. Yes, inside the Femdom space, she's in charge. However, inviting her inside is like any other visit to somewhere that was his idea...

"Fancy trying Thai food?"
"Sure."
Later.
"Let's eat out tonight. There's this Thai place that's supposed to be good. Shall I book it?"

Now, perhaps over time she'll grow to enjoy Thai cuisine so much that she'll be the one to suggest visits. For now, however, it's his idea, he has the expertise, it's up to him to set the thing up!

Within  a vanilla relationship, Femdom - and any sort of BDSM - seems to work the same way. Granted , if you do it right, your partner will start initiating sessions. (That's what my Femdom how to book is all about.) Up until then, the kink is your responsibility.


So, here's how to do it with at least a reasonable chance of success:

1. Float the subject at the right time, e.g. when sharing fantasies in bed.
2. If she is up for experimenting, prepare a session. This means in private, pick one limited activity she might enjoy, secure the props (don't break the joint bank account to do this!), do any safety research, consider privacy issues etc.
3. FOLLOW THROUGH. Pick a good moment, produce the props and suggest a session. Be clear about if and how you get to come (hint: her energy levels will be lower at the end of the session).
4. Enjoy the session without breaking role unless necessary for safety reasons.
5. Smooth return to normal. Afterwards, say thanks. Resist the urge to debrief or rant. Get back to vanilla as quickly as possible. Clear away props. Don't expect aftercare!

Of course, there's a lot that can go wrong. You can even damage your relationship. It's up to you to use good common sense, and your everyday relationship skills.

Let me know how it works out!