The nice thing about the Internet is that I now know I am not alone. Blogs and fetish forums are sprinkled with similar stories.
It goes like this.
Sub to vanilla partner: "I've got this fantasy etc etc."The sub thinks, Phew. That went well. Thank god that's done. And then they wait for their fantasies to come true.
Vanilla partner: "Odd. But not entirely off putting."
Sub to vanilla partner: "Would you like to try it some day?"
Vanilla partner: "Sure. (Changes the subject.)"
Of course, nothing happens. Vanilla sex and live continues as before.
Now the sub is stuck. The sexuality he (or she craves) is one in which the partner has the control. Being demanding doesn't seem to fit. Plus there's the dread of topping from the bottom. Sub thinks back to the conversation. His partner seemed a little offhand about the whole thing.
Perhaps she needs reminding.
Later in bed.
Sub to vanilla partner: Remember that fantasy etc etc.And repeat, until she's bored or irritated.
Vanilla partner:Sure. Tell me about it if it turns you on.
Sub to vanilla partner: Would you like to try it some day?
Vanilla partner: Sure. (Changes the subject.)
Years later she'll close down all mention of the subject and perhaps - in an odd form of rejection - tell him to "Sut the fuck up and go see a pro dominatrix!"
It's sad really because the first response was so positive: affectionate engagement in his fantasy followed by unfussed agreement to experiment. She wasn't actually offhand, it's just that it's No Big Thing to her; just a kinky bedroom game, not an all consuming mental world.
The sub confused the boundary between the vanilla relationship and the Femdom space he was trying to build. Yes, inside the Femdom space, she's in charge. However, inviting her inside is like any other visit to somewhere that was his idea...
"Fancy trying Thai food?"Now, perhaps over time she'll grow to enjoy Thai cuisine so much that she'll be the one to suggest visits. For now, however, it's his idea, he has the expertise, it's up to him to set the thing up!
"Let's eat out tonight. There's this Thai place that's supposed to be good. Shall I book it?"
Within a vanilla relationship, Femdom - and any sort of BDSM - seems to work the same way. Granted , if you do it right, your partner will start initiating sessions. (That's what my Femdom how to book is all about.) Up until then, the kink is your responsibility.
So, here's how to do it with at least a reasonable chance of success:
- Float the subject at the right time, e.g. when sharing fantasies in bed.
- If she is up for experimenting, prepare a session. This means in private, pick one limited activity she might enjoy, secure the props (don't break the joint bank account to do this!), do any safety research, consider privacy issues etc.
- FOLLOW THROUGH. Pick a good moment, produce the props and suggest a session. Be clear about if and how you get to come (hint: her energy levels will be lower at the end of the session).
- Enjoy the session without breaking role unless necessary for safety reasons.
- Smooth return to normal. Afterwards, say thanks. Resist the urge to debrief or rant. Get back to vanilla as quickly as possible. Clear away props. Don't expect aftercare!
Let me know how it works out!