Dr. David Schnarch "Intimacy and Desire" - Review ( kind of)

Intimacy & Desire

I've just finished reading Dr. David Schnarch "Intimacy and Desire".

It's one of those books designed to cure your sexless marriage. The difference is that Dr Schnarch is an experienced couple therapist with multiple qualifications, committed to evidence based treatments, with a working knowledge of Evolutionary Psychology.

So he's not just "some guy off the Internet" (like me), he's the real deal.

The book doesn't claim to be a magic bullet, either. You have to actually read it to get the full use of his ideas. However, some of what he has to say applies directly to Vanilla Dominatrix land, or Roma as I'm starting to call it.

Schnarch's "Intimacy and Desire" in a nutshell

In any marriage:

• One partner will have a higher desire than the other.
• Initially, each partner will base his or her self esteem on the other.

The end result is an inevitable feedback loop that will kill off the initial phase of  romantic sex and result in them being gridlocked. For example, she wants more sex, he wants less intimacy.

Eventually,  with his help or on their own, a functional couple will grow past this, each take responsibility for their own  self esteem, and establish a deeper more satisfying recreational sex life. The book offers several sensible techniques to help  this process.

All this, of course, assumes time energy and privacy. Thank goodness for Femdom!

"Intimacy and Desire" from a Femdom perspective

Though he doesn't really explore BDSM, his concept of "gridlock" is interesting from a Femdom perspective. 

I suspect that power exchange, especially Femdom, would actually get around most of the gridlocks he describes.

"she hates feeling like
some sort of trophy"

For example, Schnarch describes a couple where he needs to be a great lover, but she hates feeling like some sort of trophy. Stick him a chastity belt, or give her control, and there's no triumphant mounting for him, no need for her to suspect that all his efforts are a means to an end.

There's another couple where the man is so inhibited about intimacy that he has become impotent. His wife, however feels rejected. Add a chastity device and the pressure goes. Put her in charge, and he need not feel insecure about his technique either.

All this assumes that one partner introduces the idea, and that the other can be persuaded. I wonder if male chastity on its own could do the trick, especially if it was presented as a tool rather than a fantasy. I guess we'll find out in the next few years...

If you want to rekindle your vanilla sex life, try Dr Schnarch's book. However, if you just want to add  Femdom to your relationship, try my Femdom self-help guides....

The future is chaste

Well, no it's not.

There is no chance whatsoever that chastity devices are going to be standard issue for either sex, ever.

However, male chastity is showing signs of becoming mainstream. For a start, we have the tide of Chinese chastity devices. True, some are awful, but some are fine. Caveat Emptor, yes, but the point is that it's sufficiently popular a kink for Chinese factories to churn the things out...

Then there's this:



Yes, a chastity device has finally turned up in a mainstream TV show.

Tom Allen, who blogged about the appearance of a chastity cage in Californication, was unimpressed:

Really? You went there, Showtime? With all the writers and consultants, nobody could come up with a better idea than a man-hating therapist and a wife forcing her husband to wear a CB6000 as punishment for straying?

I'm a little more positive. What's nice is that the device is there as a tool, rather than a fetish toy. If it can be used for this purpose without it being ostensibly kinky, then other purposes present themselves.


Look at how the CB-X range is marketed. There's a wonderfully honest paragraph on the CB-X site:

...The product appeals to men and women alike. The misconception is that the male chastity device is only purchased to correct a wayward husband. In reality the majority of customers purchasing a male chastity device fall into two main groups: either fetish devotees or couples interested in expanding their sexual experiences with chastity play. Chastity play can bring the spark and excitement back into an otherwise stagnant relationship. Customers who use our products in cases of infidelity find chastity play helps bring trust back into the relationship. Our products have been used in the medical field and are currently being tested to treat men with erectile dysfunction. (my emphasis)

Yes, kink is in there, but mostly they are pitching it as a relationship tool. Again, you don't have to be a fetishist or a D&S couple to use one.


But why should I care? I have my collection of chastity devices. So have you, I am sure.

Well, three reasons, one selfish, two altruistic:

First, the more demand, the more competition. As male chastity devices become a mainstream sex toy/relationship tool, we'll see more and better ones. Perhaps even something secure and variations on the expensive but intriguing DreamLover2000 concept.

Second, it's easier to get vanilla people do do kink when it's not presented as drooling Fetish fare. The more cock cages turn up on TV, the easier it will be easier for male partners to suggest them. This thought makes me happy on their behalf.

Finally... well, chastity devices are useful non-fetish tools. No, a "fifty buck piece of plastic isn't going to transform your relationship" (did Tom Allen write that...can't find the quote). But it can help for just the reasons set out by the CB-X site. It can take the pressure of one or both partners, it can secure fidelity, and create a fun couple secret and so on. Even if it serves as the male equivalent of Chinese balls, that can be a good thing.

So, mainstream is good. Bring it - lock it - on!

For spicing up your sex life with some male chastity, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Why Roman Femdom and not BDSM culture?

Roman slave

A while back I got wonderfully flamed in an Amazon review:

Sounds like this guy has no understanding and as a result no respect for the BDSM community in general.

Did I deserve it? Not sure.

I do, I think, have an understanding of the BDSM community, albeit second hand through hanging around online for a decade or so. I also have a massive respect for it (hello guys!) - what you guys have done and continue to do is amazing.

I so, still, find it startling how many people are prepared to actually meet up in actual clubs in actual real life, let alone support each other in munches and workshops.

However, anybody who wants that kind of life shouldn't have too much trouble finding it; and of course there are some very good books by insiders.

"looks like a lot of work"

Thus, my two Femdom self help books are specifically aimed at relationships where the female partner is vanilla.

I mean really vanilla, not just "vanilla to date but gosh wow can I wear this latex suit and when do we get to go to the Japanese rope workshop together vanilla".

Women in this category aren't as a rule interested in learning about BDSM Culture and are not going to make it part of their identity.

Why should they?

It's like you want to get your girlfriend to come on a bicycle tour so to  get her started you ask her to start reading Cycling Weekly magazine. At this point, she doesn't really care for reading reviews of bikes she won't ride, or following debates about cycling and transport policy. Not happening, which is a pity because she might actually enjoy a bicycle tour if only you would shut up about it.

It also looks like a lot of effort, oddly centered on the submissive.

Hence my one Big Idea:

What if we started with the idea that Femdom is about unquestioned female power and went from there?

After all, you don't need her to go to a munch or start hanging out with other "mistresses". You just need her to treat you like a slave.

Which takes me to Rome AD100, rather than, say, San Francisco AD1990.

Compare and contrast the two pictures:

"...there may be erotic action
approximating to modern Femdom,
but on her terms. "

The French mistress looks awesome and I love the shackles. However, I wonder how long it took her to get into that gear, how much it cost, and what purpose the bound slave is serving. Really, the scene is about him - great if you can get it, but a hard sell for a Friday evening with an unenthusiastic partner.

The Roman slave, however, plods along carrying a hefty load. He's genuinely, practically, useful to his owner; no shackles to impede his utility, nor is he licking her sandals clean.

Later, in private, he may be useful in other ways, and if she's feeling playful... well, there may be erotic action approximating to modern Femdom, but on her terms.

If you can get past the taboo on being selfish, this is a pretty good deal for many woman... for an evening, or a day, or a weekend, or perhaps even a lifetime.

For more on Femdom for vanilla wives and girlfriends, (without much reference to the modern BDSM community or culture) see my Femdom self-help guides....