Help me Kinky Internet! What do crap male subs do wrong?

Probably a bit of Do-Me going on here.

Yes, I've given in. I'm working on a new book provisionally titled, "How to be a male sub without being a loser or an ass." The first step is to nail down the main categories of male sub behaviour that are both self defeating and annoying.

Note, I'm looking at behaviours here, things subs do (or don't do!). What's behind them is mostly either heresies (wrong ideas about BDSM, women or humans in general), or issues (low self-esteem, muddled fantasy life etc). I'll get to these later  - though please do help by sharing your insights in the comments...

Three obvious crap male sub behaviours - please tell me what you think

This sub has over-committed
and is likely to Flip-Flop

So far, I think three general terms capture most male sub crapness:

• Flip-Flopping, the pattern of enthusiastic commitment that turns out to be over-commitment. This covers everything from "submissive until orgasm" through on/off relationships, to abortive internet courtships.
• Self-Negging, meaning activities in which subs put themselves down or take a position of generic rather than fetishised inferiority.  Classic examples include approaches along the lines of "I'm an overweight small-penised slob who needs a Goddess to sort me out" through to just feeling like a loser because of your kink.
• Do-Me-ing, which describes a general focus on what the sub wants, rather than on the dynamic or reciprocity. Making first contact with a list of very specific "needs" falls under this, as does going into a scene or session with overly restrictive limits, or using a safeword as a skip track button, all with the intent of channelling the domme through particular activities. Do-Me can be innocent due to simply not thinking, but can also segue into duplicitous scheming, e.g. deliberately planning to end a session once you've had your kicks and before you reciprocate.

Help me name the fourth category! 

The Magical Secret World of Femdom....

I'm missing one category - a catchall for wrong-headed behaviour in which the sub is overly certain this is how mutually satisfactory Femdom works.

This covers everything from sending unsolicited dick pics and worse, through presuming a dynamic out of the box (e.g. using protocol terms with a new acquaintance in inappropriate circumstances), to weird expectations of a domme (e.g. that she telepathically divine your needs, or automatically regards pegging you as you serving her). 

I am pretty certain it really is a family of behaviour because a sub who, say, sends unsolicited dick pics is quite likely to call a dominant woman "mistress" on first meeting her, and offer to serve her by sniffing her panties or licking her boots.

The behaviour is different from Do-Me-ing because, though the sub may come across as creepy or presumptuous, he's really an innocent abroad - a comedy tourist, somewhere between Twoflower and Borat, or Inspector Clouseau undercover. 

The sub is so very certain he's mastered the phrase book and knows the secret handshake. All he has to do is send you a picture of himself in panties and you will induct him into the Magical Secret World of Femdom....

What should I call this? Or does the behaviour really fit into the other three categories? (Or is it really two categories?)

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GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

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Characteristics of a Submissive Thrall

Thralls want to serve, 

as in really serve

(If you've just tuned in, then "thrall" is my term for a submissive who submits for real. You are still a "real" sub or a dom if you don't thrall. I just think it's time we identified this flavor and gave it a signal boost.)

Things like this article from my friend Ava Ex Machina got me thinking:

So oral worship huh? That’s your primary thing?” he asks.
“One of many things. Even vanilla women tend to like oral sex.”
“I don’t, at least not giving anyway. I don’t eat pussy. I’m old enough now that I know I just don’t like it, never have. Don’t do it.”
“I understand if that’s not your thing, but it’s a deal-breaker for me. I’m not really into play that’s only about pleasuring the submissive.” (He had just finished telling me in extensive paragraphs all about his desire to be pegged.)
“A deal breaker? That’s fucking ridiculous.”

And then the... gentleman outed and harassed her by proxy at work. And she reflects:

...entitlement to my body, my sexuality, my space still exists, a function of how men see women: consumables, objects available for their sexual consumption.

Go read the whole article.

We are defined by our submission,
not your dominance

Ugh. 

Submissive Thralls wouldn't do this! It's not that we are good people or think we are the "nice ones" -- #notallmalesubs -- it's just that we wouldn't want to. 

When we submit, we want to actually submit. Yes we have our hard limits, but they are of the "Danger Will Robinson" type, not "Me no like can we skip to my blowjob" kind.

So much for what we're not. Here's some of what I think we are.

1. We are defined by our submission, not your dominance. Yes, you may or may not "dominate" us or have a "dominant personality". 

Regardless, we want to submit to your authority as if it were Ancient Rome and you owned us. When you say come here, we come here. Our limits serve as safety barriers, not guide-ways.

2.  We like doing things we don't enjoy. Partly this is masochism. Mostly, it's proof of our subordination. That means that if we don't enjoy giving head, we'll still gain some satisfaction from doing it. Moreover, if we're doing it because you just want an orgasm that way, then we really don't want you to second-guess our experience. The same goes for leaving us kneeling in the corner, or having us spring clean an entire apartment. Or whatever.

We're more interested in your wishes than our fantasies

3. We want to serve, as in really serve. I don't mean serve by licking boots or wearing panties or weathering a beating. I mean serve as in doing things that would make sense to a vanilla observer. 

Yes of course you can play with us if you want, but we also want you to have us give you a foot rub, cook you dinner, clean up, not because it's a fetish but because we are your submissive.

4. We're more interested in your wishes than our fantasies. This is partly participant voyeurism. The pleasures you seek when you have "permission" to be selfish are far more intriguing than anything we might imagine. However, it's primarily about experiencing actual submission rather than fantasies resonating with submission.

5. We like it when you don't focus on us. You can if you want -- if you enjoy torturing and teasing and BDSM for effect. However, you don't have to. You can, in fact, just kick back and enjoy being in charge. What's in it for us? Again, submission and voyeurism.

6. We still want to submit after we've come. If we get to come, we still feel submissive after ward. We'll bring you a nightcap, tuck you up in bed, and -- if that's what you want -- crawl off to our cell, and do all this long after the afterglow has faded. In the morning, we'll bring you breakfast in bed, even though we're too groggy to feel horny, and it's a work day anyway.

In short, when we're your thrall, we're as low maintenance and consistently obedient as if you owned us.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)