Are Some Men Who Slut Shame Fighting Submissive Urges?

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls",
but that didn't stop her from having sex.

There was a girl at my High School when everybody was younger than they should have been, and she had sex at a party.

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls", but that didn't stop her from having sex.

And we all teased her. We slut shamed her.

I slut shamed her.

And she called me on it. The conversation went:

Me: "Ha ha. I hear you got up to things at the weekend. Fnar fnar."
Her (brightly): "Yes I had sex at a party. It was fun."
Me: "Oh... OK."

I think I apologised. I hope I did. And though we were never quite friends, I think we got along fine from then on.

Looking back I feel both shame and confusion.

The shame part is obvious. Even back then I was "anti-sexist", but here was a young woman starting to explore her sexuality and I was one of the baying idiots fucking it up for her. Thank god she (seemed) to have a thick skin. My excuse is that it was the 1980s, sex education was poor, and I was insecure enough to succumb to pack behaviour - she'd also have been teased if she had accidentally set light to her bedroom or had some other non-sexual mishap. Even so, I still feel ashamed.

Slut shaming is hardly in
the interest of straight males!

The confusion... well slut shaming is confusing.

For a start, slut shaming is hardly in the interest of straight males!

Surely, men want to encourage women to embrace their sexuality. And, wouldn't individual men gain a dating advantage by appearing to offer a safe space for exploration?

Also, it can't be about morality.

Even if you are on the conservative end of the moral spectrum, surely there are far more pressing issues in the world than whether an academic shops at Victoria's Secret!

So to me, the misogyny behind slut shaming looks very much like gynophobia - some men are afraid of the power of female sexuality.

I'm certainly one of those, so much so that I have fetishized fear itself. I've always been attracted to sexual women, and always been afraid of them. But what was I afraid of?

What are men afraid of? What is this mysterious power female sexuality is supposed to confer? How can dressing in stockings and a basque, for example, possibly be "empowering"?

Some men faced by sexual women
feel a submissive undertow...

The elephant in the room is Femdom.

I suspect that just as homophobia often hides homosexual desires, gynophobia must often - not always - hide strong submissive drives.

I don't mean that all gynophobes have detailed, torrid Femdom fantasies churning below the surface. I think it's more primal and disturbing for them than that.

I think Femdom is part of the range of natural human sexual relationships, one of the sweet spots that's evolved over the millennia. It's there in some of us whether we like it or not.

Some men faced by sexual women feel a submissive undertow. They can't articulate it, but it threatens to rob them of their autonomy and destroy the story they tell themselves about their masculinity.

So they push back, deny loudly, and thus they slut shame.

I don't think repressed submissive urges are the only reason why men slut shame. However, I would hope that as society becomes less kink phobic, men with submissive urges will understand and accept their drives and stop behaving like dicks.

Wouldn't it be nice if we saw more Femdom and less slut shaming?

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Why Evolutionary Psychology isn't very practically useful when thinking about Femdom (or any BDSM) Relationships

I'd rather be a hardwired pervert
than a Freudian-made one.

I like Evolutionary Psychology. It's a great parlour game, real studies by real scientists are fascinating, and I've found it helpful to see that my submissive sexuality might actually fit into a more primal setting: I'd rather be a hardwired pervert than a Freudian-made one.

However, whatever you think of the value of it as a science, Evolutionary Psychology is not actually very practically useful in Femdom or BDSM.

Partly this is because it's hard to disentangle nature and nurture.

Mostly, though, it's because Evolutionary Psychology is redundant!

Why go from (A)  observations of the modern world to (B) hypothesising based on a hypothetical palaeolithic, and (C) then back to acting the modern world? You can just skip the middle step and ask, "What works?"

And most of what what works boils down to: 

• Don't be an ass or a loser. 
• Take social risks to form new relationships.
• Listen to people and take them seriously.
• Date for broader compatibility, not just kink (because a lot of people are secretly kinky or kink-amenable).
• Ask for things you want, but focusing on what's in it for your partner.
• Don't try to be dominant with a dominant potential partner.

That last should be pretty obvious! 

If you insist on taking the palaeolithic view: presumably a dominant palaeolithic woman would want a mate who would be good at wrestling cave bears, but also do as he's told. 

However, that's working backwards from the thing we observe anyway, to a hypothesis that doesn't help guide our behaviour.

Which is my point.

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Ask Giles: What do I do once I've locked my husband in chastity?

You need to know what the chastity is about first! It can be one or all of the following:

About you controlling his orgasm. If so, then you can - and he's probably hoping you will - use that power to get things you want. Have him earn his orgasm through chores and pampering, and bedroom service.

About him being locked. If so, then fun is to be had from the fact he can't get off, or even get his dick out. You don't actually have to unlock him to tease him. Just put on sexy clothing and let him pleasure you. For added points, have him wear a strapon to simulate normal sex - there's nothing quite so exquisitely frustrating. And of course there's sexting, little sexy tasks for him during the day, and - if it's his bag - tormenting him by making him wear panties and so on.

About you being penis-free. If so, enjoy getting what you want in bed without any effort on your part, and without the messy finish. Don't even let him mention his dick or his frustration. The effect on him will probably be the same as the previous option, but with less work for you.

And of course you can move between all three of these...

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Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"

"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"

"Expand?"

I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:

Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.

So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away

What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...

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Adventures in Chastity: What keeps us locked and chaste against our will and why?

Tom Allen has this blog post about how male chastity is all a fantasy game, and we stay looked and chaste only because we want to. He's right, but he's also wrong. Here's why.

The first time Xena imposed extended denial on me, it ran to 152 days! I kept asking her whether I could get off, and she kept delaying it. Toward the end I was feeling more irritated than accepting. However I stuck to it because it was what she told me to do. As I sit here locked into my chastity device, I'm very glad I did.

People have always voluntarily signed up for experiences they know that they'll be locked into, and won't entirely enjoy. We generally called these experiences "adventures".

Adventures can be short (say, a roller coaster ride) through long (say, an arctic expedition) to a lifetime (say, getting married).

We see benefits to having the adventure, but we are also locked in for a variety or reasons ranging from practical (can't actually step off a roller coaster in mid ride!) through cost of quitting (losing a deposit, damaging friendships with companions, and feeling cowardly) to emotions  (love can make us stay and fix a marriage).

What's odd about adventures is that we know what we're getting into, we know there will be low points, and that there's no going back. Even so, we still do it.

This is because feelings like wanting, liking, enjoying, and satisfaction are really just labels we give to a quilt of drives and urges, all operating in parallel rather than in summation. You can take a roller-coaster ride and experience: fear; excitement; pride; horror; visceral pleasure; and nausea. You can have a strong wish to get off the ride ("Argh! Let me off! Let me off!") and yet in the aftermath enjoy the most amazing buzz ("Whee! Let's do it again!").

In the case of long term chastity and orgasm denial, it's common to experience an amazing time, and to wish it would end - and to do so simultaneously! You can love the heightened sensations, but be desperate to come.

Thus, though chaste men on forums often over egg it and humble brag, it's entirely reasonable for them to express mixed feelings. You can revel in the power your mistress exercises, even though you also resent it - the very fact she can make you do things you resent is itself a turn on... that's how masochism works.

So much for the why? The what? is intriguing. What locks us into chastity adventures? What keeps us going when we aren't having fun and we just feel pissed off and horny?

Obviously pride, as for any other kind of adventure. Some chastity belt users sound like sportsmen or explorers: "I'm going to make six months if it kills me!"

There are seven motivations that are specific to male chastity.

The first four are psychological:

1. Masturbation after chastity is lonely and anticlimactic. This is especially true if you're self locked because it means leaving behind your taste of a fantasy and being reminded you have nobody to play with.

2. Withdrawing consent might make the Femdom go away.  Even nowadays, we're usually the ones who introduce the idea of Femdom. If we start making things difficult, then our mistresses may just give up on the whole idea. Better  to suffer six months of no orgasm than sixteen years of no Femdom!

3. It's hard to step out of a submission feedback loop.  For primates, having an erection is not just sexual, it's a display of dominance. So not being able to have an erection makes us even more submissive than we already are. Even if self-locked, it becomes surprisingly psychologically hard to pull out or defeat a device. We simply don't feel like doing it. Nor do we feel like deceiving our keyholder, or disobeying her. We are are already submissive and chastity makes us more submissive. Disobedience stops being in our lexicon.

4. You can get used to almost anything.  For many of us, this is just how we live and how our relationships work. It's like moving to an inner city area and liking the convenience and the restaurants, but moaning about the noise and trash.

The last three are practical and relate to damaging or drilling out the device when we don't have the key, e.g. because it's in a time safe, or we're sealed in "permanently".

5. Staying locked is more convenient than breaking out. For those of us without drill benches in well-equipped garages, defeating a device using tools is often less convenient than waiting out our "sentence". This is true even if the sentence is open ended. Things have to a certain level of unbearableness before we start tackling the problem of what tools to use and how, and finding the privacy to do it.

6. Destroying a device is a waste. If we're sealed into a device, we have a strong urge to justify the money we spent on it. (This raises the interesting question of what a month in chastity is worth).

7. Replacement is a problem. Our device may be expensive, our discretionary spend may be limited, and, as in 2., our partners may become cross about us wasting money on "sex toys" which we then break.

Reasons 5-6  suggest that the best possible "permanent" chastity device would be difficult to destroy, expensive, and not readily available... However that's for another blog post.

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)