First, our culture still enables men to be crap about sex in general
Our culture still portrays men as the ones with sexual agency. Sex is still about men, and most men themselves approach sexuality in a wide-eyed boyish way that combines innocence with a lack of reflectivity: "Me... me... me..." In this world, female pleasure is a proof of masculinity and the female body territory to be conquered.
The unreflecting assumption is that Femdom will simply be an inversion of traditional male/female roles, hence the obsession with "serving" one's mistress by being penetrated, and hence unsolicited ass picks.
Couple that inversion with sexist assumptions about women's "naturally" subordinate role, and you explain why malesubs are so keen to emphasise their lack of masculine or high dominance traits: "I know you're a mere weak woman, but I'm a total loser with a small dick who likes wearing panties so you will be able to dominate me."
This exaggerated inversion makes sense when the sub is in boyish mode, but not after he's had a good orgasm. Hence the tendency to flip flop, overcommitting then retreating.
Second, Service Femdom is more visible than "Actual" Femdom.
Prodommes are disproportionately represented in mainstream media, and have a disproportionate presence on the Internet. (After all, this is their vocation. They are easy to contact, often look good on screen, have lots of cool gear, and - if articulate - have tonnes of practical experience to share.)
Meanwhile, the Internet is a good place to talk about the technical aspects of BDSM, so there's more online information about cool rope tying techniques than there is about kinky dynamics and emotions. This makes Femdom look like a service, even when it isn't.
So it's easy to regard dominant women as a cheaper alternative to a prodomme - the equivalent of the nymphomaniac of 1970s sex fantasies: all the convenience and lack of complications of a hooker, but free.
(And perhaps there lingers the assumption that women don't really experience desire anyway, so all straight sex is service; why should Femdom be any different?)
Finally, porn amplifies all this.
Not much to say about that one!
So
Malesubs are crap because:
Patriarchy, highly-visible Service Femdom,
and Porn.
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Giles,
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure I necessarily agree that a dominant women is an alternative to a professional. I can only speak from my own experience but since I live with my wife I experience her whims, moods and reactions much of the time. Someone one might see outside his/her marriage would be only visited for short times. They may not have the same depth in the relationship. For example,
my recently wife found an unsmoked cigarette in my jacket pocket and learned I was taking occasional nips in secret. Those things were discovered because I live with my wife, and she punished me in a way I will remember. She seriously thought about a second punishment. The first session would count for the cigarette, the second for the drinking. My wife gave me a break because of the holidays, though she says I’m not off the hook yet. That gave me a twitch, but also showed how dominant my wife can be.
rg
Well you'd be a malesub who *isn't crap*! My point was that crap malesubs tend to regard dominant women as free prodommes.
DeleteGiles
DeleteI completely understand the point you were trying to make. My wife decided that part two of my punishment will be given out in the new year because she’s still upset about the fact that I was secretly smoking and taking nips. Its a potential health issue and a trust issue. Probably a date with her hairbrush and a few temporary restrictions on things I do. Also, a date at the men’s hair salon in the spring for a makeover is definitely on in time for a graduation party we will be attending. I love her dominance but I’m never smoking or taking secret drinks again and she knows it. rg