"The device is permanent, so there is no end point."

"You're permanently locked. No ifs or buts."

"Am I a good slave?" I ask.

I'm rubbing Xena's legs, kneading her luscious calves, and it's a genuine question. It's late Sunday evening, we're both feeling chilled and tired with a working week ahead, and Scandi Folk on Spotify.

"Yes," she says, "you are a good slave. I coudn't do what I do without you." Xena has quite a senior role in her organisation, and I support her the way a 50s housewife would support her executive husband, so that's really good to know.

There's a long pause. Then she asks, "Am I a good mistress?"

"Yes, you're the best possible mistress," I say. "I mean I'd like more attention, but you're genuinely wise and smart and I'd be sensible to do what you told me even if I weren't submissive."

"Good," she says. "Do the instep now."

I roll my thumbs over the instep of her right foot, then after about five minutes shift to her left. "Are we taking it in turns with questions?"

"Yes, go on," she says.

"OK..." 

I know what I want to ask, but I'm afraid. I think most malesubs suffer from the insecurity; Does she really like this? What about this particular kink? Is she just going through the motions for my sake?

But I want to know. 

"Permanently locked"

"The other day," I say,  "you said that you thought my device was 'simpler'. Does that mean it's grown on you?"

"Yes," she says, sleepily.

"I think it's supposed to be more than a one-word answer," I say.

"It's better," she says. "You're permanently locked. No ifs or buts."

The word 'permanent' has my cock go off like an airbag in its... permanent cage. I actually feel a kind of moist queasiness that's hard to describe. "You turn," I manage.

"No," she says. "I have nothing to ask. Ask another one if you like."

Xena's not normally this verbal about our relationship, so I press on. "Why you prefer me this way?"

"It's just better," she says. "It's good for you. Keeps you in your place."

"Like you have the penis?" I prompt - a theory of mine.

"No, not that," she says.

"In charge, then?" I ask. "Like I'm locked so you're in charge."

"Yes," she says. "It means I'm in charge... You're locked so I'm in charge." She yawns. "Ask another."

I move back to rubbing her calves. My penis is like a knot of lust in its cage. I sneak a quick probe and find the head is bathed in semen.

There's another question I'm scared of, this time because though I crave the most exciting answer, I'm also aware that I have control over it: just how big is this rollercoaster I'm committed to riding?

"Um," I say. "I'm scared to ask this... but what's the end point of this adventure?"

No answer.

I shift to long rolling strokes from crook of knee, over calf, to feet, scooping into the instep. A little later I say, "You've gone to sleep, mistress. I'll ask some other time."

She lifts her head a little. "No. I want to answer. Remind me of the question."

"What's the end point of this adventure? What triggers my release?"

"The device is permanent, so there is no end point."

 "Oh," says Xena, with a sleepy honesty and no sense of hamming it up for effect. "The device is permanent, so there is no end point."

I shudder. "Until something changes."

"Yes, that," says Xena, with less conviction.

"Yes, mistress," I say.

Then she goes to sleep.

---

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Femdom and Personality Types

When I started looking at personality type systems, it was always easy to imagine, and often point to, D and S Types that fit each category, even the Red/Yellow/Blue/Green system derived from Professor "Femdom Menage" Marston, who explicitly has a slider for Dominance.

It's even true of the OCEAN system, which is supposed to be the one with the scientific basis. I recently interacted with a domme who was clearly low on Conscientiousness, but since she was online talking about it, I can guess she might score high on Extroversion. My really very dominant wife is average on Extroversion, and high on Conscientiousness, so presumably a quite different kind of domme.

At least one of the online OCEAN tests breaks down each trait into sub traits, and Assertiveness is hidden under Extroversion: my wife scores high on that, me low, despite the fact that our scores for the main trait are the other way around. So perhaps dominance and its reverse are just human sliders - traits in their own right.

However, I notice that I am high Openness, high Neuroticism, and I do therefore experience a weird push pull in most of my life - drawn to adventures while simultaneously flinching from them. Submitting deeply lets me escape that, and day to day my dominant partner eases the torment by acting as a tiebreaker.

So I wonder whether 

• D/s preferences is just a trait, 
• However, being strongly drawn to power relationships and kink results from having a structural conflict, which can be different for different people....
  

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5 Months in the Custom Chastity Saint Permanent Chastity Device

Permanent Chastity: "It's so much simpler."

After much rummaging, Xena emerges from the en suite, "I found my moisturiser."

"Ah," I say, "but did you find my key?"

 "Oddly, no," says Xena.

"I think the point is I have no key," I say, angling for some affirmation.

"I know," says Xena. "I think I'll keep you this way forever. It's so much simpler."

My penis inflates like an airbag, but the ever-present nylon bars of my chastity cage stop it rearing to attention. I can only lie there and squirm as Xena gets into bed next to me and starts to read.

Custom Chastity Saint, Permanent Edition.

 And that basically sums up the experience so far.

Every 3-4 weeks, I've been lucky enough to kneel in the corner while she masturbates. Otherwise, lockdown hasn't been good for our sex life. Xena is running her department from the guest room, and the stress isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.

That hasn't stopped me getting horribly turned on each evening when I massage her feet and legs. Long term chastity has put me back into a teenager mindset; just touching a woman's body is an amazing and holy thing.

Meanwhile, the Saint just sits there like an evil symbiote. It doesn't get in the way, doesn't chafe. I can even dry off after a shower using just a towel. Apart from not being able to have an erection or orgasm, I can lead a totally normal life... well almost totally normal; I have to be careful using the public urinals, I probably want to avoid people bumping my groin, and I think the device will have to come off for air travel, just because of modern body scanners. There is still, therefore, no practical reason why I should have to remove the device in the foreseeable future.

Permanent chastity - which this is in several senses of the word - turns out to be surprisingly relaxing. I never have to decide whether or not to ask to unlock for various social situations, because I can't. 

There's also something deeper and darker: I'm freed from the uncomfortable meta zone where I might find myself pleading, genuinely, for Xena to release, while at the same time being afraid she will. There's something liberating about a deep acceptance of my situation.

Acceptance is easier because, now I'm a few months in, it doesn't get any worse. I mean, next month won't be any harder than last month. There is no sense of a natural end point ever arising.

"More casually dominant."

 The effect on Xena has been interesting.

At the start, she was adamant that it made no difference, that it was no different from her having a key. After all, I could in theory pull out the back and get off anyway, so what was the difference?

However, over the last five months, she's become much more casually dominant. 

I think on some level, Xena equates my chastity with her empowerment; as if, in caging my penis, she symbolically gains her own. So, for as long as my chastity was provisional, her power felt provisional. Now I've made a big symbolic commitment and it's "permanent" at least on a gut level, her power feels correspondingly permanent and she acts accordingly.

Which brings me back to her remark the other day: "It's simpler this way."

She generally dislikes any fuss associated with her dominance. Restraints have to go on easily with minimum input from her, protocol has to be simple and practical, she never really dresses up - except in stockings as a rare treat for me - and she has no interest in aftercare.

Holding my key, or setting a time on the lockbox, entailed some background emotional labour and decision-making, perhaps involving second guessing me, and then some fuss, all focussed explicitly on me being able to have an orgasm.

Which brings me to something I've suspected for a while. Xena has developed an aversion to my genitals, and especially to the idea of me ejaculating. It's been there for a while, but in giving her permission to be ruthless, the permanent chastity has revealed how strong an aversion this has become.

How is the conversation going to play out?

"Hello, it's been over year. Can I have permission and time and space to carry out a messy operation involving power tools near my genitals so I can remove the device that makes you feel empowered and then masturbate to a very sticky orgasm?" 

The worst of it is, that I'm not sure that I'll want to ask anyway.

---

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