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Monday, 12 December 2011

"How to be a vanilla dominatrix" - what line to take?


(SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ENTRY!)
 
I’ve been quite surprised by the number of vanilla women requesting copies of my “Vanilla Dominatrix” book! I also see similar women popping up on Fetlife looking for advice on dominating their partner.

For this  reason, I think it might be useful to do a female follow up, “How to be a Vanilla Dominatrix” – if gay men can write sex tips of straight women, then a sub can help a wannabe domme. 

What I’m hoping you fine folk can help me with is; what approach to take.

For those who haven’t read it, “The Vanilla Dominatrix” pushes the idea of doing Femdom for “real” on a part-time basis – no scripts or scenes, not much negotiation, and no need for the domme to posture or put on an act.

The objective is to create a space where the rules are different and she really is in charge. You get there – or not – by suggesting carefully selected Femdom activities that extend who she already is… if she likes flirting, suggest teasing games, if she enjoys being pampered, serve her, and so on. With luck, she starts enjoying being the vanilla dominatrix of the title.

Now, if I write a female oriented book, it would have a similar objective – there are other writers with more experience of 24/7, fetish clubs and scenes etc.

The snag is, there are two different possible approaches, and they don’t sit well together:
Option 1 Callous

Basically, forget his fantasies, what would *you* use a slave for? This is not entirely bleak for him; couples tend to have complementary dark sides – for example, if she likes mute service, he probably enjoys being used like a robot.

A proportion of the book would present BDSM as a toolset for getting what she wants.

I think this is the most empowering option, but some readers might find it too cold or cynical. There’s also the risk that it’s a bit much to expect her to take responsibility for the kink.

Option 2 Cooperative

Really, a reworking of the original book from the female perspective. Investigate his fantasies and work out which ones fit you, and how.

There would have to a listing of common sub fantasies, what’s in them for her, and how some of them can be fulfilled without going to great effort.

I think this is the most loving option, but risks shifting the focus on his pleasure and not hers.
So, what do you guys think?

UPDATE

Wrote it!
I ended up doing a bit of both, and writing an entirely fresh book called "How to be a Roman Dominatrix". So far I've had very positive feedback about it.
 

6 comments:

  1. Hi Giles,
    I think the answer to your question lies in the motive behind the woman seeking the guidance. A lot of women are drawn to femdom because their husband/significant other has`requested them to do so. This person would benefit from your "cooperative" approach.

    On the other hand if a woman is looking at this from her own point of view (less likely, I would say) then the "callous" appoach might be appropriate.

    I'd suugest you sutvey the women who will be your perspective audirnce.

    George

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  2. Good point. Wouldn't "callous" be more empowering, though?

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  3. "if gay men can write sex tips of straight women, then a sub can help a wannabe domme"

    Imagine a car that warned you when it needed gas. Or a dog that brought you it's leash when it needed a walk.

    I would think a Domme would appreciate the insight.

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  4. Thanks for the encouragement, Steven!

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  5. The control is so easily lost and it ends up being all about his wants and needs. In my personal experience I have only met one man who understood and did not turn it around to be his version of what a FemDom could do for him. I don't count men I have not met in person because so many men talk about it all and then are a different story when it all becomes something real.

    I have just posted a link to this post on my content feed at Scoop.it. http://www.scoop.it/t/bdsm-male-submission Hope it brings you some sales. I've been reading your site on and off - you are one of those who keep me from giving up on the sub male species. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Laura! I wrote both books - really - because I was increasingly embarrassed by my fellow subs!

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