|...subs -- who would have |
guessed? -- get cross if
you imply that we are in any
way inferior or broken
The dismissive responses and my considered responses made in the... sanctuary of my own blog were pretty much along the lines of:
- "We're just the same as everybody else, just with a different way of doing sexuality!" - But the difference must logically mean we have specific issues. Not more or less, just specific to us.
- "A study proves we're really emotionally healthy!" - I'm sure we are. I'm just interested in the landscape we have to negotiate.
- "How dare you imply we're different!" - LOL. I'm typing this response while wearing a chastity device my wife "makes" me wear. You're probably sporting whip marks and pierced privates. of course we're the same as everybody else. Really.
- "Purely erotic submissives - bedroom subs and bottoms - don't seem to have any specific problems." - Presumably because the kink is compartmentalized.
- "You can be submissive and still not have a bad-boy/bitch fixation, meanwhile vanilla folks can suffer from this." - I wonder how vanilla the dynamic of the bad-boy/bitch fixation really is.
- "Some subs derive self-worth from service".
My take on the main emotional or relationship issues for subs
Our submissive kink is almost by definition humiliating and can make us look weak (and for female subs, anti-feminist etc)If somebody discovers you are a sexual dominant, they may decide that you are wicked or evil, but they won't think you're weak or pathetic. Sexual submission, however, does look weak.
I think this leads to issues like shame, secretiveness and defensiveness. It can take us forever to bring up our needs with a partner, and we can often do it in such a tentative way that we irritate rather than entice them.
I certainly wasted years trying to spin my submissive nature as merely being sexually adventurous.
Since submission can be a gift, we sometimes mistake all our kinks for gifts
|If I clean Xena's shoes then |
that's a gift. If I lick them
clean, then that's just me
being a fetishist
However, many of our submissive kinks and fantasies don't offer much benefit to the dominant.
For example, if I clean Xena's shoes then that's a gift. If I lick them clean, then that's just me being a fetishist unless she specifically likes the idea. This is very true of kinks that require any kind of effort from the dominant.
I see lots of posts where people complain that their significant other isn't dominant enough, doesn't put effort into protocol, punishment, edging, forcing them to dress funny etc. These all stem from this issue.
Supply and demand makes some of us emotionally vulnerable
Some of us don't just want a dominant to dominate us, we want a dominant to be part of our lives. It's an emotional need as well as a sexual one. It's quite different to a specific sexual fetish and similar to being gay in that it pervades our existence and requires another person to form the other half of a relationship.
This need makes us vulnerable because, unless we are young and attractive and move in particular circles, there are not a lot of visible dominants to go around! We're often pathetically grateful and compliant when we do find somebody to dominate us.
This explains threads about subs being utterly heartbroken by purely online relationships, or acting like doormats in relationships, or letting a dom push their boundaries past what's sensible.
|It's simply hard to discern where |
being giving and supportive leaves
off and being submissive to the
demanding or needy begins.
It's simply hard to discern where being giving and supportive leaves off and being submissive to the demanding or needy begins.
Is there truly a difference?
We can be drawn to eroticizing and enabling domineering partnersThis describes my early sex life.
Domineering is what happens when you not only let somebody push you around, you subtly encourage it. If you're young and haven't embraced your submissive sexuality, then it's very very easy to drift into this. If you're inexperienced, it's also sometimes hard to distinguish between "good domination" and domination which is really abuse.
Why I think we subs are not broken people but face challenges
|No wonder, then, that subs have a |
harder time than their vanilla friends
Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.