On Subspace and Sub Drift

I've been following fur sissy's recent posts with interest - he's always very articulate, considered and wise, though he comes from the lifestyle side of Femdom. One post in particular got me thinking about subspace.

BDSM culture uses the term very loosely indeed, ranging from the in the moment stoned on brain chemicals experience, through to deep and long term mental changes. However, I am starting to think that it really covers three mutually supporting experiences: 

The Three Kink Spaces

When people talk about subspace, they are usually refering to one of three different kinds of experiences which are not actually unique to subs or bottoms, so lets lump them together as "Kink Space".

Each of the three Kink Spaces works on a different level....

Overload Space

"..stoned on brain chemicals..."

The subject is stoned on brain chemicals, compliant but disassociated. There is usually an erotic element however you can get a similar effect through a conversion experience (see W Sargant "Battle for the Mind"),  through various extreme sports and through vanilla bondage games such as Slow Masturbation.

This what people normally mean when they say "Subspace". Actually "Bottom Space" would be a more accurate term because if somebody experience this, it is usually because somebody else has carefully put them there through alternating sexual and other stimulation. This stimulation can be entirely mental - it's the brain chemicals, not how you generated them, that matter.

Overload Space lasts as long as it's continuously maintained - you can't wake up in it! People in Overload Space don't know when to stop, don't want to stop, and when they come down can feel somewhat... confused.

Usually - thankfully - only subs and bottoms experience Lost Space during pain games. However, a dom or top can experience Lost Space when being served erotically - think spa plus vibrator.

Fetish Space

"Everything is erotic by association."

Fantasy and reality merge. Everything is erotic by association. Seemingly unerotic things take on an erotic charge because they point to the rest of the experience.

So, cleaning the kitchen is normally dull. However, it implies that I am a slave, that punishment may be forthcoming, and that more erotic tasks await, and thus becomes erotic.

The intensity of Fetish Space comes and goes depending on subject's capacity for arousal. The space itself, however, can continue for as long as the subject is receptive meaning, hours, days or even a lifetime :)

Both subs and doms can experience Fetish Space. However it isn't actually necessary in order to enjoy kinky activities (sometimes it's just useful to have a slave and relaxing to be one, and sometimes Overload Space is enough).

Lost Space

"The roles become psychologically real"

The subject loses all perspective. The roles become psychologically real - it's as if the subject has "gone native" in a culture where the particular kind of role is the norm.

Lost Space is like Stockholm Syndrome or Folie à deux and not of itself erotic. However, the idea of it is erotic since it implies erotic activity...

Lost Space can last as long as you let it, and it is entirely possible to wake up and go to sleep in this space. Both subs and doms can experience it, which presents challenges for a dom who is also a sadist.

How the three Kink Spaces work together

Overload Space reinforces the Fetish Space by training the subject to associate a particular role and/or props with the prospect of an intense experience. Conversely, Fetish Space adds erotic intensity to Overload Space.

Meanwhile, Fetish Space and Lost Space reinforce each other by playing "pass the sub".  When you drop out of Lost Space, you think, "OMG I forgot I wasn't a real slave back then," and plunge into Kink Space. Conversely, Fetish Space rewards us for entering Lost Space. E.g. after a while, being a slave becomes a happy thing in its own right.


Finally, Lost Space enhances Overload Space because it makes it easier to just surrender to the experience - you give up asking yourself, "Am I enjoying this?" and let go. And, of course, Overload Space works like a conversion experience and makes Lost Space all the more real.

Examples

Mostly, I drift between Kink and Lost Space, with occasional descents into Overload. Fur Sissy - from his descriptions - seems not to visit Overload Space. A husband in a WLM possibly lives entirely in Lost Space.

Three kinds of sub drift?

This approach gives us three different kinds of "sub drift":.

• Overload Space may tempt us to seek greater and more intense stimulation to "enjoy" a deeper experience or to counteract diminishing returns.
• Fetish Space may "contaminate" our normal sexuality; we begin to associate getting aroused with being kinky.
• Lost Space may leak into our vanilla relationship since the kinky relationship feels normal. It can also be so pleasant to escape into simpler D&S roles, that your emotional focus shifts in that direction.

Not only do these work together, they also work between both sides of an established couple.

Example: Me

"kink has entirely replaced the bad or perfunctory sex"

Looking back up at what I've written, I realise I've drifted a long way.

We don't usually go in for intense "play", but I do enjoy Overload Spaces in which I feel bleak, aroused, used, exploited and denied. In the quest for this, I've given up any attempt to build my own gratification into our sessions. Where practical, the chastity belt stays on even after Game Over (in my books, I call this Taking Home the Consequences).

My wife has started taking this for granted - sometimes she's very happy to get her satisfaction then fall asleep. So her Lost Space has become deeper and longer in duration.

Knowing that's coming, of course, intensifies my Overload Space and her casual act of denial has become eroticised; it triggers my Fetish Space, thus rewarding me for staying in role, and thus strengthening my Lost Space.

These days, feeling horny and frustrated easily triggers my Fetish Space. Hard on its heels comes my Lost Space in which having a free erection feels... wrong. Plus Lost Space is a comfortable place to escape into. So, whenever there's the prospect of intimacy, I'm happy to go either way. For me kink or vanilla have become equal and equally routine.

Meanwhile, my hard working wife has become used to being able to call on my services as a slave whenever she feels too lazy to engage a husband. I suspect a similar drift has happened with her but I prefer not to try to make her confess this in detail.

So, an odd and pleasant thing has happened. We have the same amount of good vanilla sex as most middle aged married couples. However, kink has entirely replaced the bad or perfunctory sex.

For how to get a slice of this life, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Dommes are niether aliens nor stupid

Over on Fetlife.com, I keep seeing threads like:

"When do dommes have orgasms?"

"Do dommes like weak men?"

"Do dommes let their slaves have jobs and stuff?"

 Then over on tumblr,  I see captions such as:

"A domme milks her slave in order to weaken him so she can force him to dress as a sissy maid..."

A domme forces her slave to scrub the floor"( while in chains using his mouth to hold the brush)

"A domme relaxes" (in full latex with her feet on a human table etc)

And I don't know where to begin! Let me try...

1. Dommes aren't aliens

A domme is just a women who likes to be in charge some of the time, or all of the time.

A domme is just a women who likes to be in charge
some of the time, or all of the time.

Just like any other woman, she has personal preferences. If she likes men with red hair, tall men, short men, men of particular ethnicity, then those are the men with a better chance of becoming her boyfriend and or sub. She may enjoy having a small man to dominate, or bringing a large one down to size. It depends on who she is.

Women - people, actually - have all sorts of tastes and needs. Apart from fetishes - perhaps a tuxedo gets her hot and wet -  all that the "in charge" bit does is extend who she already is.

If she likes  to make men squirm in bed, then perhaps - as a domme - she may enjoy making them squirm using nipple clamps and a whip. If she enjoys being pampered, then - as a domme - perhaps she will enjoy service. If she enjoys an orgasm then - as a domme - she will get it the way she wants it, as often as she likes.

People also have a broad spectrum of needs. Most of us need companionship and feel some sort of responsibility to our partners. So even lifestyle slaves don't usually spend their life in chains keeping house. There'll still be companionship and career. And there will be bills to pay.

This should be no surprise if you've read about Ancient Rome. Favoured slaves were also companions, and often ended up as freedmen with businesses and careers of their own. This is just a human thing.

Dommes aren't aliens.

Dommes aren't stupid either

If the boots need polishing, your tongue is
probably not the convenient way to do it.

True, some women are turned on by the whole milking thing. Even so, don't pretend to me that the "victim" - carefully bound and enjoying wild sensual pleasure - isn't enjoying himself.

True also, some women like to dress up in Fetish gear. However, it's hard to imagine relaxing and taking afternoon tea in all of that.

And, if practical service is required, it's hard to see how this can be delivered by men holding brushes in their mouth or serving as human lamp stands.

The whole "Oh no I am being mistreated pardon me while I stop to masturbate over this" thing is frankly embarrassing.

Some dommes are sometimes playful, and some are sometimes practical.

When they're playful, they may do things for effect, fun or out of pure sadism. When they're being practical, then they'll get the practical things they want. Like all real people, they understand the difference between the two. If the boots need polishing, your tongue is probably not the convenient way to do it.

Dommes aren't stupid.

---

For more reality-based advice on Femdom, see my Femdom self-help guides....

The 6 Orders of Kink?

"the comfort of humiliation"

...the comfort of humiliation.  Think your penis is small?  It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak?  It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true.  We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too.   (Fur Sissy)

Fur Sissy's recent posting on the comforts of humiliation  made me think about the Orders of Kink. I don't mean as in Holy Orders, or Knightly Orders, though one does wonder about the Order of the Garter... I mean order as in level of complexity.

And no, I'm not sure how useful this is yet. Read on and tell me what you think.

How complex is the explanation for your kink?

Vanilla partners often ask the awkward question, "Why do you want me to do this? What's in it for you?" How complex your answer matters because it may determine whether or not you get your kink. (For this reason, it's worth initially offering the kinks requiring the least complex explanation.)

What determines that complexity? Pretty much how many turnings it takes to get from there to sexual pleasure. I'll call these Orders for now.

1st Order Kinks enhance physical pleasure (think, sex toys and bondage games)

"only kinky if you decide they are"

Some kinks go direct to physical pleasure. In fact, many of them are probably only kinky if you decide they are. For example, anal sex, spanking, butt plugs and vibrators often feature in people's kinky fantasies, but equally well are just ways couples give each other physical pleasure.

The best example is actually bondage and orgasm control. According to Joy of Sex - I have a battered copy from my youth - American Vietnam veterans learned to enjoy "slow masturbation" in the brothels of Asia and brought this home to their wives. There need not be any fantasy or power relationship wrapped around bondage. It can just be a great way to string out an orgasm.

1st Order Kinks are very easy to explain to your partner, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt gives me a plateau phase normally denied to men."

2nd Order Kinks are aphrodisiacs (think, stockings and power games)

"I like women in stockings"

Some kinks turn us on because... because they do. For example, I like a woman in stockings. Other men like wearing stockings. As a sub, I enjoy spending time in chains getting turned on. Other people like to see their partner wearing a slave collar or a maid's uniform. These are all - I think - fetishes. However, there's still a very obvious connection between the kink and actual sexual arousal.

When bondage games segue into power games, when the "top" goes from "let's string out your orgasm" to "you only orgasm when I let you", you can't pretend this is a vanilla spice anymore. However, the action is still about sex.

Explanations of 2nd Order Kink involve admitting to a fetish but are still focused on sexual gratification, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt makes me feel sexually helpless, and that turns me on horribly so I get a  great orgasm when I do come."

3rd Order Kink trades orgasm for arousal (think, denial and spoiled orgasm)

"stoned on arousal"

Some kinks entail the kinkster - usually the bottom or sub - not getting to come properly or at all, but instead getting horribly turned on. All variations of "denial" and "spoiled orgasm" fall into this order. For the kinkster, the erotic focus has shifted from getting off, to getting stoned on arousal.

When a bondage game culminates in the top getting a very nice orgasm, then untying the still aroused bottom and telling them "game over", it's not immediately obvious why the bottom should enjoy this!

Explanations of 3rd Order Kink involve admitting a fetish coupled with a desire to not have an orgasm. It's almost impossible to say this without sounding a bit odd, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt makes me feel sexually helpless, and that turns me on horribly, and I enjoy the turn on so much that I'd rather be totally helpless than have an orgasm."

4th Order Kink creates perverted passion (think, erotic slavery)

Some kinks involve taking one aspect of romance or courtship and giving it a perverted twist in order to create a moment of perverted passion. Bedroom domination, submission, erotic slavery, chastity key holding... these all involve an odd kind of romantic moment. The focus has shifted from the strictly sexual, to the erotic relationship. However, this is not necessarily a comfortable thing since it implies some shared dark emotions.

"bad bodice rippers"

When bondage becomes about the bottom "surrendering" themselves to the top, or the top "possessing" the bottom, the dynamic is a long way from hearts and flowers but still uses the vocabulary of romance, albeit of the bad bodice ripping kind. (Oh, and it doesn't matter whether or not the bottom gets an orgasm.)

Explanations of 4th Order Kink can be uncomfortable because they involve reciprocity. For example, "I want to wear the Male Chastity Belt during 'sex' because I want to give myself to you without regard to my own gratification" carries the unspoken assumption that your partner regards your orgasm as a chore or imposition.

5th Order Kink is about relationships but not passion or sex (think, humiliation or service slavery)

Some kinks seem to have very little to do with sex. Humiliation - of the kind Fur Sissy described -  and service slavery, for example, can be more about the relationship than getting hard or wet or excited. Humiliation can affirm that we are loved despite our failings. Service can make us feel giving and loving. Slavery enables us to feel that being possessed doesn't rely on us being lovable.

"where your dom wants you to be"

When bondage is a way of being where your dom wants you to be - chained to the wall, or locked in a cage - there's no longer an obvious erotic or romantic component. Sure you will get turned on from time to time, but the main benefit is feeling utterly possessed. It's the quiet romance of wearing an engagement ring day in day out, but with more chains.

Explanations of 5th Order Kink are hazardous because they are so very far from the bedroom, involve reciprocity, and admitting to some non sexual relationship craving which is offbeat or embarrassing. For example. "Let me be your slave and clean the house and do the dishes because I would be happy if the only option I had was to make you happy" implies that your partner would love to have you do all the work, and that you would enjoy this.

There's also the problem of being disingenuous. If pleasing her makes you happy, why do you have to be a slave to do it? If she wants a bit of physical space, why does she have to chain you up in the cupboard? Couldn't you visit a friend?

6th Order Kink is only about you (think, being a slave)

"all about you"

Some kinks have everything to do with your role, nothing to do with your partner, and little to do with sex. For example, some cross-dressers just feel comfortable that way. Some slaves just like the absence of responsibility. That deep sense of freedom or relaxation may make it easier for the kinkster to feel erotic, but that's not what it's about.

When bondage is just about  enjoying feelings of tranquility and peace, then it's no longer about the relationship. Being chained up or locked away becomes a form of yoga.

Explanations of 6th Order Kink can be... uncomfortable because they are so self contained and can make a partner feel rejected, or reduced to mere enabler, and at the same time appear to point to deep issues. "I like wearing the Male Chastity Belt because not having access to my penis makes me feel relaxed" can read like both a rejection of intimacy and an admission of ambivalence about masculinity.

How useful is this?

I suspect that this is a good way of looking at kink before asking for it. There are some imediatly obvious implications, however I shall save these for future posts.

For ways to make kink work when one of you is mostly vanilla, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Very good review of the Mature Metal Jail Bird

Over on Locked in Chastity, there's a very good review of the Mature Metal Jailbird.

In case you didn't know, the Jailbird is a bespoke metal male chastity device from Mature Metal. Over on Fetlife, people tend to speak highly of this chastity device.

Actually, I'm seeing a lot of metal chastity devices around the web.

The merely chrome-plated ones are probably a bad idea because the plating can come off, leaving sharp(!) edges. However, the stainless steel ones have the potential to be better value than the plastic.

 Plastic CBs have been known to split, which is potentially painful - ever caught your dick in your zipper? - and could spoil an otherwise perfect evening. They also have a reputation for holding odors in the way that metal does not.

I doubt ball-grippers are ever going to be 100% secure, however they have a lot of advantages over full belts. The reviewer writes:

Overall, I am very satisfied with the Jail Bird from Mature Metal, and after 6 months of living with the device, I still recommend it highly.

I sometimes wonder what the Romans used for their male chastity belts. I bet it worked.

For ways to introduce male chastity into your relationship when your partner is mostly vanilla, see my Femdom self-help guides....

New product description for Roman Dominatrix

I'm just about to update the Amazon product description of my How to be a Roman Dominatrix self-help guide.

Some readers seem to be expecting a very different kind of book, perhaps the Mistress Lorelei's Mistress Manual,  which as I recall - it's been a while - uses the male partner's fantasies as a starting place and relgates benefits to the dominatrix as a byproduct. It's a good book, and by giving a woman permission - since she's doing it to please her man - has a good chance of giving her the space to explore her own feelings.
Roman Dominatrix just does something different - it starts off with the idea that owning a slave can be fun in vanilla ways and assumes that the sub gets his kicks as a byproduct.

Other books I haven't read are more embedded in the BDSM Scene. That's not a bad thing. A sense of belonging to a wider culture can - again - grant permission. However, some women just aren't interested... aren't natural joiners. They only want to know "What's in it for me?" That's who my book is for.

I've tried to update the product description to reflect this more clearly. Hopefully this will help me avoid any oddly angry reviews. What do you guys think?

Ancient Roman ladies enjoyed having male slaves, and - yes - they did put them to erotic use. Why does modern bedroom Femdom have to be so much effort? What’s in it for you?

Written from experience by an otherwise normal (!) submissive male, this book is for women who are sexually adventurous but have neither the time nor inclination to embrace BDSM culture just in order to satisfy their partner’s fantasies.

It WON’T teach you to be a “good” dominatrix, nor guide you through clubs and munches, nor drill you in bondage, topping or protocols, nor help you negotiate scripted scenes, nor expect you to manipulate your man, nor urge you into a Female Led Relationship.

It WILL use techniques drawn from modern psychology to help you build a strictly part-time Roman version of your relationship… and to make that mistress-slave relationship feel 100% real.

You need never feel silly or awkward or at a loss. You’ll always know what to do because you’ll be following your natural inclinations, albeit unrestrained by consequences or reciprocity.

Relax and be… self-indulgent, introvert, extrovert, mean, affectionate, playful, practical, flirtatious, sensual, clinical…  There’s a good chance that, as a byproduct, enough of his fantasies will be satisfied to make it worth his while.

You get to be yourself. He gets to be your slave. You get to have a hot secret couple adventure. Everybody gets to be happy.

But why are you reading this description? Take a look inside the book and make up your own mind!