Monday, 19 November 2012

The 6 Orders of Kink?

"the comfort of humiliation"
...the comfort of humiliation.  Think your penis is small?  It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak?  It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true.  We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too.   (Fur Sissy)
Fur Sissy's recent posting on the comforts of humiliation  made me think about the Orders of Kink. I don't mean as in Holy Orders, or Knightly Orders, though one does wonder about the Order of the Garter... I mean order as in level of complexity.

And no, I'm not sure how useful this is yet. Read on and tell me what you think.

How complex is the explanation for your kink?

Vanilla partners often ask the awkward question, "Why do you want me to do this? What's in it for you?" How complex your answer matters because it may determine whether or not you get your kink. (For this reason, it's worth initially offering the kinks requiring the least complex explanation.)

What determines that complexity? Pretty much how many turnings it takes to get from there to sexual pleasure. I'll call these Orders for now.

1st Order Kinks enhance physical pleasure (think, sex toys and bondage games)

"only kinky if you decide they are"
Some kinks go direct to physical pleasure. In fact, many of them are probably only kinky if you decide they are. For example, anal sex, spanking, butt plugs and vibrators often feature in people's kinky fantasies, but equally well are just ways couples give each other physical pleasure.

The best example is actually bondage and orgasm control. According to Joy of Sex - I have a battered copy from my youth - American Vietnam veterans learned to enjoy "slow masturbation" in the brothels of Asia and brought this home to their wives. There need not be any fantasy or power relationship wrapped around bondage. It can just be a great way to string out an orgasm.

1st Order Kinks are very easy to explain to your partner, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt gives me a plateau phase normally denied to men."

2nd Order Kinks are aphrodisiacs (think, stockings and power games)

"I like women in stockings"
Some kinks turn us on because... because they do. For example, I like a woman in stockings. Other men like wearing stockings. As a sub, I enjoy spending time in chains getting turned on. Other people like to see their partner wearing a slave collar or a maid's uniform. These are all - I think - fetishes. However, there's still a very obvious connection between the kink and actual sexual arousal.

When bondage games segue into power games, when the "top" goes from "let's string out your orgasm" to "you only orgasm when I let you", you can't pretend this is a vanilla spice anymore. However, the action is still about sex.

Explanations of 2nd Order Kink involve admitting to a fetish but are still focused on sexual gratification, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt makes me feel sexually helpless, and that turns me on horribly so I get a  great orgasm when I do come."

3rd Order Kink trades orgasm for arousal (think, denial and spoiled orgasm)

"stoned on arousal"
Some kinks entail the kinkster - usually the bottom or sub - not getting to come properly or at all, but instead getting horribly turned on. All variations of "denial" and "spoiled orgasm" fall into this order. For the kinkster, the erotic focus has shifted from getting off, to getting stoned on arousal.

When a bondage game culminates in the top getting a very nice orgasm, then untying the still aroused bottom and telling them "game over", it's not immediately obvious why the bottom should enjoy this!

Explanations of 3rd Order Kink involve admitting a fetish coupled with a desire to not have an orgasm. It's almost impossible to say this without sounding a bit odd, for example, "The Male Chastity Belt makes me feel sexually helpless, and that turns me on horribly, and I enjoy the turn on so much that I'd rather be totally helpless than have an orgasm."

4th Order Kink creates perverted passion (think, erotic slavery)

Some kinks involve taking one aspect of romance or courtship and giving it a perverted twist in order to create a moment of perverted passion. Bedroom domination, submission, erotic slavery, chastity key holding... these all involve an odd kind of romantic moment. The focus has shifted from the strictly sexual, to the erotic relationship. However, this is not necessarily a comfortable thing since it implies some shared dark emotions.

"bad bodice rippers"
When bondage becomes about the bottom "surrendering" themselves to the top, or the top "possessing" the bottom, the dynamic is a long way from hearts and flowers but still uses the vocabulary of romance, albeit of the bad bodice ripping kind. (Oh, and it doesn't matter whether or not the bottom gets an orgasm.)

Explanations of 4th Order Kink can be uncomfortable because they involve reciprocity. For example, "I want to wear the Male Chastity Belt during 'sex' because I want to give myself to you without regard to my own gratification" carries the unspoken assumption that your partner regards your orgasm as a chore or imposition.

5th Order Kink is about relationships but not passion or sex (think, humiliation or service slavery)

Some kinks seem to have very little to do with sex. Humiliation - of the kind Fur Sissy described -  and service slavery, for example, can be more about the relationship than getting hard or wet or excited. Humiliation can affirm that we are loved despite our failings. Service can make us feel giving and loving. Slavery enables us to feel that being possessed doesn't rely on us being lovable.

"where your dom wants you to be"
When bondage is a way of being where your dom wants you to be - chained to the wall, or locked in a cage - there's no longer an obvious erotic or romantic component. Sure you will get turned on from time to time, but the main benefit is feeling utterly possessed. It's the quiet romance of wearing an engagement ring day in day out, but with more chains.

Explanations of 5th Order Kink are hazardous because they are so very far from the bedroom, involve reciprocity, and admitting to some non sexual relationship craving which is offbeat or embarrassing. For example. "Let me be your slave and clean the house and do the dishes because I would be happy if the only option I had was to make you happy" implies that your partner would love to have you do all the work, and that you would enjoy this.

There's also the problem of being disingenuous. If pleasing her makes you happy, why do you have to be a slave to do it? If she wants a bit of physical space, why does she have to chain you up in the cupboard? Couldn't you visit a friend?

6th Order Kink is only about you (think, being a slave)

"all about you"
Some kinks have everything to do with your role, nothing to do with your partner, and little to do with sex. For example, some cross-dressers just feel comfortable that way. Some slaves just like the absence of responsibility. That deep sense of freedom or relaxation may make it easier for the kinkster to feel erotic, but that's not what it's about.

When bondage is just about  enjoying feelings of tranquility and peace, then it's no longer about the relationship. Being chained up or locked away becomes a form of yoga.

Explanations of 6th Order Kink can be... uncomfortable because they are so self contained and can make a partner feel rejected, or reduced to mere enabler, and at the same time appear to point to deep issues. "I like wearing the Male Chastity Belt because not having access to my penis makes me feel relaxed" can read like both a rejection of intimacy and an admission of ambivalence about masculinity.

How useful is this?

I suspect that this is a good way of looking at kink before asking for it. There are some imediatly obvious implications, however I shall save these for future posts.

For ways to make kink work when one of you is mostly vanilla, see my Femdom self-help guides....


  1. Your book and blog are the best discovery I've made...possibly ever. I've read the Vanilla Dominatrix and the entire blog this weekend. I plan to reread the book, study and apply. What you say makes total sense and makes me feel silly for my past attempts. You are doing a real service to men, women and couples. I now have confidence that what I've yearned for so long can become 'something we do'.

    I would like to know more on your thoughts on the 6 orders of kink. I'm very much into humiliation. I assume getting to that point will take time and build on extensions once we have a femdom corner established. The journey itself sounds fun.

    I'd love to know more of your thoughts on this, and if there is a place to hear about others' results with part-time femdom with vanilla doms.

  2. Thank you. I'm always glad - and relieved - to hear from people who find my work useful. Please let us know how it turns out!

    I hope you get what you need, if not what you want.

    (If you can find the time to post a review somewhere, that would be doubly appreciated - though I understand anonymity can be an issue with Amazon; there's always


Tell me what you think!