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...wanting to know how to entice
her husband into a
Female Led Relationship |
I'm seeing more
women popping up on FLR forums, each wanting to know how to entice her husband -- which I'll use as shorthand for "life partner", "permanent boyfriend" etc -- into a Wife Led Marriage/Female Led Relationship.
Up until recently, it seemed to be always the man asking this, usually burdened with all sorts of odd and extreme expectations of erotic things that would happen if only his wife would take charge in a
particular way.
This development is probably a good thing. Women seem on the whole more interested in the dynamic than generating routine extreme Femdom and are perhaps more realistic
However, this can be a bit confusing for husbands, especially because Internet porn gives an odd and extreme idea of how FLRs work.
First, let's deal with the elephant in the room...
If she asks for an FLR, you're probably already in one
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If she asks for an FLR,
you're probably already
in one.. |
"Oh," says Xena, noticing my chastity device. "I didn't think were were doing anything this week."
I shrug. "It's that or I masturbate in bed," I say honestly. It's hard not to have horny thoughts at night, especially after all our Femdom adventures together.
"OK then. Yes," says Xena. "Foot rub?"
Ten
silent minutes later I ask, "So will we carry on from where we left off?"
"I'm not sure yet," says Xena. "Instep please."
I thumb her instep while I think. It's a few months ago and we'd completed our "first tour of duty" as a Female Led Relationship, visited relatives and finally returned to our peaceful nest in the suburbs.
"OK," I say. "Let me know."
"Do my calves, please," says Xena and picks up her book and starts to read.
Gloriously outrageous! I try not to laugh as a massage her. She's not in the mood for conversation so she just assumes I'll mutely do her feet and legs. It's fair enough, she has a hard day at work tomorrow and needs all the emotional support and cushioning I can provide. But the end result is here I am rubbing her feet like a slave anyway.
In the morning, a list of chores trip off her tongue and she's off to work.
And I'm reminded of the couple of times when she's come home tipsy from a girls night out and remarked about how she's the dominant partner in the relationship...
...and it's true.
In the last few years, she's controlled the sexuality or at least acted as gatekeeper, set the domestic standards, and had the last word on finances. She also tends to get the last word on everything else. When I make a case for something, it's a good one. Sure. there's stuff she
doesn't formally control, that we decide together-- for example holidays -- but often I don't have much preference so things go her way anyway.
I'm mostly unemployed, so the domestic chores naturally fall to me. Other female dominated couples are different. Perhaps both partners work and share the chores but the wife sets the standards. Perhaps he works but does the chores anyway. The same goes for money, social life and so on. The one thing that's usually true is that things go best in the bedroom when she calls the shots.
The point is that in a lot of marriages, the wife is
already the dominant partner. By admitting this and embracing an FLR you aren't actually going to lose much, and you stand to gain some major benefits.
It is better to have an openly Female Led Relationship than an implicit one
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FLR communication is simpler
and less stressful. |
Before, I had to pretend not to ask her approval for things, and she had to pretend not to be making the decision. There was no easy way for me to get a straight answer about things, and no effective way for her to indicate things that were mandatory. Also, I felt the need to push back in order to preserve some sense of manliness.
Simple example: She wants the house clean for the weekend. I have other priorities.
"Before", it would go like this:
Xena: It would be nice if the house was clean.
Giles: Oh, I was planning to go for a run then work on my CV.
Xena: It would be really nice if..
Giles: (Now feeling henpecked and disrespected). Yes, OK. I'll try to fit it in!
And if I didn't take the hint, she would be come home to a messy house and be grumpy and guilty about being grumpy. If I
did take the hint but only did a partial job, then we'd
both be grumpy -- me because I would feel unappreciated.
"After", it goes like this:
Xena: I want you to clean the house today.
Giles: Oh. I was going to go for a run and do my CV.
Xena: You can run in the evening if you have the energy. You can spread the CV work out over the weekend.
Giles: OK. What exactly do you think needs doing?
Now, we have domestic service going on because I'm "on the beach" mostly. However the same conversation could apply with choice of clothing for going out, bad moods, weekend plans and so on. And of course it could apply to sex.
After,
with FLR, things are better for several reasons.
- FLR communication is simpler and less stressful.
- It's actually easier to negotiate.
- No more pointless arguments.
- You can both be much clearer about objectives.
- There's no need to push back to preserve machismo.
- When you do domestic chores, it may erode your machismo, but you can demand to be valued as a compliant husband.
Note that none of this involves me dressing as a French Maid or wearing panties! There's nothing wrong with that kind of thing, but it's not mandatory -- we'll come to why the Internet tells you it is in a moment.
Female Led Marriages generate Femdom intimacy, not always the kind you'd expect, but usually the kind you'll enjoy
Here's where the Internet depiction of FLRs crosses over into porn land.
Actually the action can be pretty pornographic. One of the selling points of FLR is a massively improved sex life, or at least enhanced intimacy. For a mature married couple, this can be escape from a Dead Bedroom.
But first, let's deal with the porn.
Porn is
fantasy, it needs to offer variety, and it needs to depict relationships through easily visualized action and props while at the same time delivering a broad spectrum of fetishes.
Take for example me doing the housework on a Friday before Xena comes home.
I just look like a man doing housework. I'm not even thinking sexy thoughts, except perhaps anticipating the evening's adventures. Now imagine the porn version of a submissive husband doing chores: French maid outfit, panties, perhaps chains and so on.
The same goes for sex. The truth is that small variations around a few core routines are fine for those involved. I'm always happy to go down on Xena while locked into my chastity device, for example. And when she whips me, it's using the same selection of instruments. The pain is immediate enough for me not to get bored. The porn version, however needs escalation, spiked dildos, barbed wire floggers...
So it's not porn's fault, but porn is not a good guide to what any given FLR couple get up to!
This is a problem:
- Submissive men focus on specific actions rather than the dynamic (i.e. the Femdom relationship)
- Women who might enjoy Femdom and might embrace an FLR are put off by the porn, or by their husband's porn-driven preconceptions.
- Men who might thrive in an FLR may flinch from the pornographic depictions.
The reality is different from the porn, because any Femdom is an expression of a particular couple's particular relationship.
How does Femdom work within a Female Led Relationship?
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Vanilla sex pervades
a peer marriage. |
Well, how does "vanilla" sex work in a peer marriage?
Answer: Vanilla sex pervades a peer marriage.
The broader relationship impacts on the bedroom. Though people pretend there isn't, there is always an implicit intimate reward and punishment system. For example, passion may reward material success. Withdrawal of sex may punish failure. Finally, it's not just what you do in bed, it's the ongoing romance, the flirty references and hints you drop during the day. However, what that night of passion entails, how they make love... those depend on their particular relationship.
Femdom in a Female Led Relationship isn't much different. It's just that the the control is firmly and explicitly with the wife, any reward system is out in the open, and there are usually BDSM elements to reflect the dynamic.
Even without the kink, it's actually pretty thrilling having your wife control the sex. It's like those discussions about chores (see above), except sexier. You
always know you're doing what she wants and, because she's in charge, she has to take ownership and ask for the activities she enjoys.
Customized Femdom
The kink, however, is a natural result of the FLR dynamic. Peer couples have sex (the aim is to both come) and make love (to both come in an intimate way). Femdom couples may do this as well, but the corresponding analogues are erotic service (he makes her come) and Femdom sessions (wild, intimate things happen).
Our experience, and that of other couples who talk about it convincingly online, is that the kink pretty much develops as described in my two
self-help books on Femdom. It reflects your specific dynamic and specific relationship. In a sense, nothing changes, it just gets amplified by the Femdom.
With us, Xena was always a tease and always enjoyed spinning out my orgasms, but was never that keen on the messy finish. She always liked receiving oral sex, and always enjoyed long massages. And this -- since I love her -- was always pretty much what I liked. Add Femdom and the standard operating procedure is that I wear a chastity device in bed and she gets pleasured.
Other couples do it differently. Different sex toys. Different results. However, I suspect it's always just an amplification of what they already had, or both wanted.
It's also quite normal for the husband to continue to be the source of ideas, to research new kinks that fit the dynamic and suggest them to his wife. (For how to do this, see my book
Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix.) What's a major turn on is that the power relationship is effectively real. You're no longer role playing, or even playing; you're doing it for real. (Sometimes this is called
Consensual Non Consent, but I don't think the term is very useful in this situation.)
Femdom Discipline
Where vanilla couples have an
implicit intimate reward and punishment system, FLR couples typically have an
explicit one.
The 'explicit' is important because it prevents crossed wires and gets things in the open where you can explain or apologize, and deals with relationship issues decisively.
This discipline system itself can be anything from orgasm control, through psychological punishments, to actual beatings, depending on the couple.
People over-think discipline:
if he wants it, how is it a punishment? Actually, we subs often want things we don't like. We may want the discipline (and control over rewards) as because the enforce the dynamic. And, even if we enjoy it on some level, accepting a punishment is a pretty submissive thing to do.
Femdom Romance
Finally, we come to ongoing romance. Vanilla couples drop sexy hints, wear intimate gifts and find ways to remind themselves of their bedroom life. FLR couples do the same but often in a more formalized way. Call it Femdom Romance...
When Xena issues a demerit, a promise of a stroke of the whip, it's the equivalent of here whispering sexy things in my ear.
And that brings us to things like French maid's outfits, or in my case a continuously worn chastity device. They are just an expression of the couple's dynamic, no different from wearing nice underwear: to work as a reminder of private times; around the house as background intimacy; or in bed because it feels right.
Again, these reminders depend on the couple's dynamic.
Some couples are
about Feminization or humiliation, hence the French maid's outfit. Some couples -- us -- are about orgasm denial, hence the my male chastity device. Other couples are about other stuff, hence other things.
So, where does that leave you if your wife asks for a Female Led Relationship?
If she asks for an FLR, then it's probably
already too late. At the very least embracing an FLR gives you a chance to negotiate or establish boundaries and argue less. It'll probably also revive your sex life in interesting ways.
The important thing is that your FLR and any Femdom will be about you both as a couple. You won't -- shouldn't -- need to start to behave like the denizens of pornland.
