"Oh," says Xena, yawning, "is it a year now."
My penis goes off like an airbag, filling its cage. "No... it's just been seven months." (This is about 3 weeks ago, as of the time of writing.)
"That's nice," says Xena. "Rub my feet."
And I do...
What gets me, what turns me on horribly and deliciously scares me, is that she's so blasé about it.
My wife is not remotely keeping count, nor is she particularly interested in milestones. The idea that it might be a year neither excites nor worries her. It didn't get her horny, nor did it she suddenly feel the need to check in with me.
The Custom Chastity devices were always darkly exciting because they made long term wear 24/7 plausible. The customised Saint was a step up because it removed all possible practical impediments. Putting it on was like getting a thrill by standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at a stormy ocean. Xena, assured that I can swim in that ocean, has cheerfully pushed me in.
So now I'm nearly at the 8 month mark, and Xena is still treating my "permanent" chastity as if it were, well, permanent. A body modification. Or, perhaps, a move to a different city. Sure, we'll probably move again, but there's no hurry...
She has the same attitude to our FLR. We passed the five year mark last month. I got a "Well done. This still suits me too." and the conversation moved on. Clearly chaste, obedient Giles is just the natural and proper state of things for her.
However, despite her casualness about them, the milestones do seem to have one effect on her: she's become secure in her dominance. She just assumes I'll do as I'm told, gets irritated when I don't, and is totally ready to ply the cane on my rear on a nightly basis if required.
Where does this leave me? Happy with my sex life, for a start. For the first time ever, I don't have an alternative fantasy Giles running in the background. Repression takes energy.
Totally owning my submission, or being totally owned by it, has, however, forced me into an internal journey reassessing my past relationships and upbringing.
I keep coming back to a point made by Jillian Keenan (successful serious journalist and self-outed spanking fetishist) in Sex with Shakespeare: Being spanked as a child was traumatic for her because she was already wired (by circulation and nerve endings) to be a spanking fetishist. Whereas other people might experience a spanking as violence, she experienced it as a sexual violation. She's not alone in this, so her message is "Don't spank children - it's a sex act."
So... I wasn't spanked. However, I did experience my family as "controlling" and tended to have (again) controlling girlfriends. I also grew up feeling that other people were judgemental and excluding. Going to school was about being bullied.
This picture quickly breaks down when you look closely at it.
My elder brother didn't give a shit and did his own thing, with no consequences. If he could, then why couldn't I? My controlling girlfriends... well I picked them. Some of them were really hot. Almost all of them pushed my buttons. There's a social rough and tumble to any community of young people - the crap flies around almost randomly. It only sticks if it you let it.
I was bullied at school, but I've heard far worse stories from people who seem far less damaged by it.
How about this narrative instead?
I was always submissive, which in turn made me both easy to dominate, and at the same time made being dominated a double violation - not in a sexual way, but rather because it made me experience powerless in the face of my own nature.
My family weren't controlling, I was easily controlled and resented that. My girlfriends tended to be dominant, but I liked them that way (though wouldn't admit it). Socially, my nature made me sensitive to being judged by other people, and unable to shrug off the usual young person stuff.
Bullying? Yes, that was real. Not just physical, but swatting and shunning and the whole works. However, what made it particularly damaging is that it made me experience powerlessness - something intimate and vulnerable for me - at the hands of horrid people.
Just like Jillian Keenan and her experience with spanking, it wasn't being controlled that made me a submissive, it was being submissive made me easy to control - and that experience of unjust powerlessness was damaging.
This insight makes me feel better about my past and the people in it. It also reassures me that my submission and masochism are not not just a way of erotcising past traumas, or evidence that I am stuck in them.
I wish this had happened to me ten years ago.
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