Thursday, 29 November 2018

A Spat Ends in Discipline: Commitment trumps Consent in a Female Led Relationship

"Wah wah wah! Go cry in the corner!
"Wah wah wah!" mocks Xena, angry. "Go cry in the corner! Go on, kneel facing the corner for five minutes."

We've been having what we Brits call "a row", otherwise "a spat".

I've been feeling neglected because her work has taken first place in the last few months. She hasn't disciplined me for weeks, which takes the adventure out of chores, and also means we haven't really been intimate. This evening it spilled over into me ranting at her, despite still being sealed into my chastity device after over 100 days.

It really is an argument. We're both cross with each other, voices raised.

But I can't disobey her. "Yes, mistress."
Fifty lashes... I'm near
tears by the end of it.

I don't mean I'm afraid to disobey her. It's just not in my lexicon.

I kneel in the corner for five minutes while she finishes her report.

Then she has me tie myself up and she whips me - fifty lashes for the fifty demerits I've racked up. I'm near tears by the end of it.

After that, it's back in the corner and I have to listen to her vibrators buzz, my poor caged cock up throbbing forlornly in its device. After more than 100 days of chastity, this is exquisite torment.

Then she has me rub her feet and we curl up together. My hopeless arousal causes her some delight.

"OK, you really are in charge," I say, aware that things have changed between us.

I have to listen to her vibrators buzz...
"Of course," she responds. "And you need to be more detail-orientated over the house."

"I will if you are too," I say.

"You can rely on that," she says. "Good night. I love you."

And she falls asleep leaving me locked and hard, with a smarting back, both deliciously afraid and contentedly secure.

This is the only kind of relationship
she can imagine.
Round about now, the Consent Police turn up:

Where were all the negotiations? 
Where were the check-ins? 
Are my needs being met?

The problem is that BDSM consent culture is designed around couple play, and play dates between equals: temporary power exchanges.

However, in a lifestyle relationship, consent and commitment are hopelessly tangled, and the dynamic takes on a life of its own, evolving to permeate the relationship.

It's been nearly a hundred days since she had me seal myself in my chastity device. It was my idea of a fun adventure, but she's taken it and run with it. I expected to be locked for a couple of months max, now she's talking about unlocking in time for a holiday next August.

Similarly, we've been in an FLR for four years. Again, it was my idea of a way to make chores fun - I'm mostly a house husband - and generate some kink. It was also supposed to be an adventure lasting a few months, renewed by mutual consent. Now she's told me that this is the only kind of relationship she can imagine, and - well you can see above - she wields her power when it suits her, not just in erotic contexts.

 Any discomfort with our lot
pings our masochism.
Consent once given is hard to withdraw, let alone withhold if the dominant pushes the scope.

Most obviously, we subs are initially afraid the kink might go away, then go on to lose perspective. Meanwhile, any discomfort with our lot pings our masochism.

However, there's this other thing: you just cannot unilaterally make fundamental changes to your relationship.

A concept kinksters don't talk about so much: commitment.

Relationships are built on commitments.

The most obvious vanilla example is the commitment to fidelity. You can't just declare your relationship to be open or poly, or that you are going to sleep around.

I'm trapped and I like it.
In an exclusive marriage, your partner doesn't coerce you into fidelity. Rather, fidelity is a component of your relationship. Yes, you can "withdraw consent" for fidelity, but your partner may then reasonably withdraw consent to continue the relationship.

So it is with power exchange in our Female Led Relationship. I'm committed to submitting to Xena, and I can't imagine how our relationship would work without that.

In other words, as long as I love my wife, withdrawing consent to the dynamic is no longer really a relationship option. I'm trapped, and I like it.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! Lulu or iTunes.


  1. My wife occasionally reminds me that I asked for this relationship and that I should be careful what I wish for.
    It is a slippery slope with little possibility to return from.
    I am also trapped and I like it!

    1. Exactly! We actually like the trapped part.

    2. It strikes me that consent gets, sometimes hopelessly, muddled up with "want" or "desire" or even sometimes "feelinglikeit". Which is a fairly useful proxy for one night stands or low-real-committment relationships (early coupledom, fwb, fb, playmates, teenagers etc). But it's a nigh on useless equivalence in many other situations, from sex work or other transactional arrangements (including, arguably, some traditional marriages) to, as you say, any committed relationship.

      Consent means to "agree to" NOT "to want".

      Interestingly, outside sexual context,the word consent is often used to express the opposite of want or desire, ie an acquiescence to something less than desirable. Rape or assault is defined (as of now) as lacking consent. Not as lacking enjoyment or desire. And thanks fuck.

      All of this to say that from where I'm standing the situation you describe is not "committment trumping consent" but "committment leading to consent".

      And what you might eroticise as entrapment and the ConPol might feel icky about is that you're consenting to something that you don't necessarily in-itself, immediately, want or desire.

    3. That's a good way of putting it!


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