How to negotiate D and S without topping from the bottom

When I'm a slave, it’s real. I can't think outside that role. The chastity belt is a fixture, my owner's word is law, and her pleasure inevitable.

It's a very sustainable approach. She gets to suit herself, meaning she always knows what to do and it's always worth the small mental effort of switching roles.

Being a real slave means that the word "negotiation" is not in my lexicon, not part of my. Literally unthinkable.

Even so, I get the kind of slavery I enjoy.

How? It's all about not giving it away for free.

Can the slave-owner roles really be real?

When I'm being a slave, am I a real slave?

The chastity belt is certainly real!

Philosophically, I'd argue "yes", since even historical slaves had their hard limits – after which they'd rebel or abscond – and real owners were constrained by laws or at least practicalities; a slave is valuable property. So the difference is one of degree.

However, it's not philosophy that gets us hot, hard or wet!

What matters is that emotionally and practically, the slavery is real. Parts of the brain simply can't tell the difference between role play and role, and role and wider self. We easily lose perspective.

Take the Stanford Experiment where students were divided into prisoners and guards, and quickly slipped into abusive relationships. Or take the way people behave differently depending on whether they are in the office, or the car, in the bar, or in bed.

So, erotic slavery can be as real as you make it, and if you want that reality, then that means letting go as soon as the collar goes on.

But the collar is the point.

The value of a real slave

If your slavery is real, then it must hold some value for your "owner". This value will be exactly as vanilla or as kinky as they are.

Assuming your partner - like mine – is mostly vanilla, then the value of a slave is measured in service without the need to reciprocate; one-sided pampering, foot rubs, oral sex etc.

These are things your partner couldn't, or shouldn't get through a normal relationship. If, e.g. they want to roll over and sleep after oral sex leaving your frustrated, they need a slave, not a lover or spouse.

The same goes for historical slaves. Men and women purchased them for a reason.

Don't give it away for free

What? No collar?

For people like us, it's tempting to give away our submission for free without enjoying the slavery that goes with it. After all, submission is submission and we like doing that. Call this "stealth submission".

However, if you are supposed to have a modern equal relationship, this stealth submission doesn't strike me as very healthy for either of you. You're training your partner into a way of thinking they don't subscribe to—old fashioned chauvinism if he's male—and at the same time relinquishing some of your adulthood. It's better to have a firewall around the D&S area of your relationship.

More importantly, stealth submission means that you're missing out on the rest of your kink, and denying your partner a guilt-free chance to extend their existing vanilla tastes.

So, it's probably better and more fun if you make your slavery strictly part-time, and get a fair price in return for the real value your slavery brings to your partner.

Not without a collar first...

What's a fair price for your slave? In a word, "slavery". A collar, a chastity belt... anything that acknowledges the slave-owner relationship and makes it real for both of you.

How to turn stealth submission into real submission

I've written a whole book on how to get your vanilla partner to dominate you and how to get some of those extras your crave. However, here are some pointers...

If you don't ask, you'll never get...

Humans are most comfortable with like-for-like. 'Fessing up that bringing your lover a cup of coffee gets you wet or hard... well that might be a little creepy or freaky. And, since D&S looks erotic to an outsider, it's probably a bad idea to rush to reveal any kind of submissive pleasure from any non-sexual act.

Instead, when you're doing something obviously one-sided in bed, share what's in your mind.

For example; "Giving you head turns me on because I'm pretending I'm your slave."

Then, depending on their reaction, float the idea. Don't make a big thing of it, and don't be apologetic either. All you’re asking for is a spice. "Next time I'm going to wear a slave collar."

Then follow through and actually produce—in this example—the collar.

From then on, refuse to perform the submissive act without that collar. At the same time offer your slave whenever appropriate, and make it clear that the slave is available on demand.

Isn't this negotiation?

Yes, it is—technically—negotiation. However, it's not about demanding particular scenes or actions. It's about bringing what's already there to the surface where you can both see it, and about making a distinction between your everyday self and your slave self.

It's not unreasonable to say "I will happily be your slave if you will treat me as one."

It's also—possibly—permission for your partner

We subs forget that taking the dominant role requires playing at being evil. This is especially true for service-orientated. (If the dominant partner is mostly topping, then they are fairly obviously giving pleasure to their sub.)

This means that very vanilla people with dominant leanings will rarely admit how much kinky pleasure they get from your submission.

Who knows? Perhaps when you're giving your partner oral service, he or she is privately imagining you are wearing a steel collar and can shortly be dismissed back to your cage. There's only one way to find out...

For more on how to get your vanilla wife or girlfriend to dominate you, take a look at my Femdom manual...

Coming soon: How to Ask for Kink

There are 50 shades of  pain on the forums!

It's not just men seeking Femdom, it's subs and doms of both sexes looking for some satisfaction in their vanilla partners. And it's not just about D&S. There are as many kinks as there are kinky people...

And when these kinky people - clever, articulate people - approach their vanilla partners, it's as if their brains stop working. (Perhaps the blood is going elsewhere?)

Would-be kinksters become needy, wordy, naggy and entitled. They become so clumsy that they nudge the kink further away. It's like watching a drunken dinosaur chase a butterfly.

Not pretty.

So, I'm going to write a book for men and women, for people with any sort of kink, rather than just D&S urges, and I'm going to call it "How to Ask for Kink".

Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix got a 5 star review

A femdom how-to manual for subs to read

Hurrah!

This is the best book on how to introduce your wife/girlfriend into femdom.Most books on this subject contain "odd" ways to introduce women into femdom. This is a realistic, down to earth and practical guide to understand what to do (and what to avoid, very important in this matter) and how to get her into femdom without making a fool of yourself. And make both of you enjoy it.I think this guide provides you with a better approach so you can succeed in both making your desires true and making your partner part of it.

FIVE STAR REVIEW!!!!

Part-time Femdom can be darker than FLR

Wife Led Marriages, FLR or 24/7/365 Femdom... I'm not personally a fan. But some people do want to replicate a reversal of old-fashioned marriage. The snag is that doing this doesn't automatically dish up a dose of unfettered Femdom. Here's Kathy at Femdom101:

There is a huge difference between the role of a dominatrix and the role of a mistress wife. For one thing a mistress wife generally cares about her husband, and wants him to have a life that is pleasing and worthwhile. Yes, she will expect obedience. Yes, she will assign her husband chores, and from time to time there will be punishment. However, there is no wife that I know of who has an all encompassing desire to work her husband to death or to make his life miserable. If anything, the mistress wife adopted femdom out of a need to be the best wife she could be for her man.

In other words, the Female Led Relationship has to be sustainable 24/7 practically, morally and emotionally. So, when a typical life-style sub looks at his partner, he sees somebody who basically cares about him.

Why a part-time Femdom relationship can go deeper and darker

Now a part-time Femdom relationship with your partner (of the kind I describe in my two femdom manuals) is a bit different.

It's still authentic - she's still in charge doing as she pleases in a space where her vanilla tastes and your fantasies intersect. However, it only has to be sustainable for a few hours or days at a time. This means there's no need for her to square the moral circle. She can do all the nurturing and caring whens he's being a wife or girlfriend. Right now, beyond physical safety, she is under no obligation to give a damn about your experience; slavery is an evil institution, and when she's enjoying it she's being evil or at least amoral.

The Femdom relationship has no reality outside this dark place. So, when a part-time sub looks at his part-time mistress, he sees only somebody to be feared or worshipped.

Can a "wife mistress" also be a Roman Dominatrix?

Actually, yes. The trick would be to establish a distinct mood or mode to distinguish the dark parts from the day-to-day female led relationship.

For more on being a Roman Dominatrix, try my book!

"The Vanilla Dominatrix" now on Kindle!

Kindle Version
Epub Version

Phew. I can feel myself breath out now.

(It's here.)

Preface to "The Vanilla Dominatrix" Second Edition

I've finally completed the full update of my first femdom how-to guide, "The Vanilla Dominatrix Or
Getting your wife or girlfriend to sexually dominate you." The title says it all; if you follow this blog, you'll know where I'm coming from. It's available as an epub right now. Kindle to follow shortly.

Anyhow, here's the teaser at the start, plus a nice picture from yesteryear.

About Last Night

Last night, we ate out then splashed home through the rain. My wife—my lover, my partner of many years—seemed happy but tired. Her work is demanding, and her hours long. We simply weren’t going to make love before sleep.

Luckily, I had other things to offer.

As we watched TV, I asked, “How about a massage with extras?” (That’s our code for “Let me be your slave tonight.” Sometimes she asks. Sometimes I suggest.)

“Oh, OK,” she said. “I’ll be through once I’ve found out who the murderer is.”

I left her in front of her American crime drama and hurried off to shower, shave and put on my chastity belt. I dropped the key in the bushes outside the front door—there was no way I’d want neighbors to see me blundering in the wet and dark looking for the illusive key so the chastity belt was a fixture until the morning. I hoped she wasn’t going to change her mind, which happens from time to time.

As I waited in the bed listening to the wind hammering the rain into the window, I relaxed and let go. Anything could happen in the next hour or so, but nothing I would have any say in, and nothing involving my genitals.

As her slave, I’ve experienced wild nights with whips and chains. Affectionate nights of passionate love making to which my penis was uninvited. Deliciously bleak nights where I served in silence and earned no more attention than a vibrator needing a battery change.

"She.. used... me!"

So what happened last night?

Her evening was cosy and relaxed. Sara MacLachlan on the CD player, erotica on her Kindle, a willing slave licking between her legs. Later she told me to clean up. She read something with vampires in it, then went to sleep as if nothing had happened.

My evening as as bleak and dark as the wild weather outside our home. I served her—worshiped her!—without acknowledgment, other than the click of the counter she uses to stack up demerits for a beating at some later date. She left me chaste and denied, to spend the night drifting through frustrated dreams.

Yes.

She… used… me.

Think about that for a moment.

My wife wasn’t feeling kinky, or dommish. She just wanted the vanilla benefits my slave could offer, and she enjoyed them with no consequences (except slightly sleepy husband in the morning).

Me? I got to be objectified. I got to perform oral service. I got to be denied. I got to be chaste.

I got to be a real slave.

Better yet, it was No Big Thing.

Yes, when there’s more time and energy, things are crazier, more recognizably BDSM. Sometimes there are stockings, sometimes the flogger comes out, or the dungeon iron collar.

Yes, yesterday evening could have been more dramatic, more erotic.

However, yesterday evening was merely our baseline... and what a baseline!

* * *

It wasn’t easy to get to this point. I learned some hard lessons on the way—and that’s what this book is about; sharing what I’ve learned so you don’t have to test the patience of your wife or girlfriend.

In the end, we both shaped the part-time Femdom relationship that we now enjoy. However, it would have been quicker and more satisfying if just one of us had taken charge. My other self-help book, “How to be a Roman Dominatrix” describes how she can do just that. This book, my friend, is for you, the male partner. To be honest, I’m more comfortable with that; your fantasy, you do the work!

So, if you go about it respectfully, honestly and with caution, there’s a good chance you can have what we have—not our particular Femdom relationship, but the Femdom relationship that suits you as a couple. My wife likes to be pampered, perhaps your girlfriend likes to flirt or treat you like a pet? We’re all different, there’s no off-the-shelf-solution.

Read on…