|A British Catholic girl - still a very particular sexual type - |
she had a simmering intensity that
promised fire behind the icy exterior.
She even wore a little silver crucifix.
Think Vanessa from Penny Dreadful, but a virginal Vanessa brimming with a rage directed against the patriarchy of the sub culture to which she belonged but could not bring herself to reject.
The promise of erotic fire coiled with anger! She only had to sweep into the room to ping all my 20-something Femdom fantasies.
For just the same reason, she seemed so utterly out my league that I relaxed around her enough to make a connection. It turned out we had lots of shared interests and passions.
And so we fell into a relationship and thus in love.
There really was fire behind the ice.
|There really was fire behind the ice.|
She came to me a virgin - "deflowering" is overrated as a sexual experience - and always felt that on some level she was letting the side down to "surrender" not just to a non-Catholic, but to a man. She was also - I think - terrified of getting pregnant, and thus penetrative sex made her tense. There could be no relaxing with experience, no slow seduction into the pleasures of the penis.
And, there was so much wrong with the relationship!
She was naturally dominant, but I was cast in the roll of bedroom educator, and also felt the need to push back. I introduced her to BDSM - naturally - but to the wrong BDSM: bondage with me tied up when she was never going to be much of a service top! I got her off so easily with my tongue, but was obsessed with doing it "properly" with my dick (and of course most women can't come by vaginal stimulation alone).
And so it was messy and stormy, and we were young and I was crap, and we broke up. I imagine - hope - she has forgotten me, or has vague memories of the intense but immature young man who was her first lover.
Looking back up at what I've written I feel like an idiot and a pig. But this was a long long time ago.
|...her fantasies of being served orally |
by a young man trained for
just that purpose.
Had I listened properly, I would have taken note when she shared her fantasies of being served orally by a young man trained for just that purpose. I would also have understood that my penis wasn't going to get her off any time soon, and that the more she loved me the more I irritated her.
At first, at least, she was happy to experiment with Femdom.
I could have put on a collar and served her as a slave, told her I was fine with jerking off as a finale and that was how I wanted it. I could even have invited her to discipline me for the real things I did that annoyed her - which would have made much more sense than the fantasy context I wrapped around it.
|....a really unambiguous way of |
taking the penis out of play.
"Just ignore my dick," is all very well, but it's still there, standing to attention, both mutely demanding sex and acting as visible a performance indicator. A chastity device hides the intrusive member and demonstrates seriousness about penis-free sex. And, if you leave the key elsewhere, then the penis really is out of play, at least when hard....
So, I think she would have loved that: Me acting mostly normal, an ardent lover, but no penis, just a tongue. From time to time, I would have gone into deeper submission so she could be pampered and vent her anger on me.
She would have been magnificent.
Now the ethics.
Attracted to men, but angry with them.
In need of a relationship, but defensive of her autonomy.
|Would my submission have offered her |
the only possible true homecoming?
She dated before me, and after me. I think she was on a heroic journey to shed her baggage and be herself; to lose her hostility to men, to trade autonomy for intimacy, to unravel her inhibitions and learn to like sexual intercourse.
And there I would have been saying, "Don't bother with all that personal growth. Your baggage turns me on."
Her issues were real issues, and my flavour of Femdom would have let her really square the circle without resolving them: she was free to vent her hostility with a whip; she could be in charge of the relationship and therefor autonomous; she didn't need to have actual sex, ever, but could have as much oral as she could take.
What if that had worked and we'd settled down into a stable Female Led Relationship involving a lot of male chastity? Would it have been a good thing?
Would my submission have offered her the only possible true homecoming? Or would it have derailed her journey, stopped her from reaching her full potential?
How much should a sub consider the effect of offering their submission?
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