Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Ask Giles: How do I spot a sexually dominant woman in real life? (Rather than in clubs or munches.)

This one came up on Reddit but given how heated people get, I'm answering here.

Short answer: "You can't!"

Long answer: "You can!"

The short answer - the one people yell - is, "you can't". This is because:

  • Outside certain counter-cultures, sexually dominant women don't generally broadcast their preferences (because it can be inconvenient and because sex is private anyway).
  • There's no certain link between kink and personality.
  • Not all women who would enjoy Femdom have tried it or are even aware that the option might work for them.

People then go on to urge the poster to come to munches etc. Alas, not everybody wants to, or can, get involved in the Fetish scene.

However, the long answer is more positive but requires more work.

There is no guaranteed equivalent of gaydar (dommedar?). Even so, you can spot the women who, in the right circumstances, might potentially routinely enjoy dominating you.

If you are a sub, generally these are the women you are already going out with!

Seriously! Back in pre-scene, pre-Internet days, I had something like a 60% success rate at getting girlfriends to dominate me.

This works for two reasons:

First, as long as you are not dating in reaction to your kinks - e.g. picking out sweet submissive girls in order to reassure yourself of your masculinity - then there's a good chance that your instinctive choice is the right one. The links between kink and personality may be obscure, but they must exist on some level.

Second, most people enjoy being in charge and getting their way from time to time!

Rather than asking who to ask, you should be considering when and how to ask, and what for. The short answers are, "early", "honestly without making a fuss", and "extensions of vanilla activities she already enjoys".

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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  1. Hi Giles... When I see a woman who strikes me as dominant it tends to be things like body language (posture, her stride) her cast of features (the whole spectrum from bone-chillingly austere to a callous smirk to warmly and protectively dominant). Tall women trigger a sense of awe in me (but not a deal breaker - my partner is rather short!) I'm also interested in the attire that women choose to express themselves. Colour schemes, textures... (the good ol' shiny shiny is a fave!) Power dressing...

    For me it's not just about 'sexual dominance' as in what goes on in the bedroom (though it is about that too) but finding women sexy who are assertive in the world generally).

    I'm sure my mind registers little subconscious signals too. In one conversation a woman can make a postural adjustment (hands on hips for instance) or she can suddenly adopt a stony expression because she's concentrating on something & suddenly I tune into the potential for dominance (which presumably everybody has given the right circumstances).

    Yours, Mr. Bump

    1. This pretty much describes most of the women I've dated! However, there's always a chance that a dominant woman doesn't want to play, or actually wants to bottom...

    2. Indeed... Or, hidden depths... the elvin lady in the pastel coloured frock who looks a bit wide-eyed can become an incarnation of an underworld Goddess when she wants to!

      Mr. Bump

  2. I believe most girl can be turned dominant to some degree.
    If you are inclined, a book along the line of “101 examples of getting Femdom correctly” would be helpful.
    I use basic psychology: positive reinforcement. If the experience is good for her, she will ask for it.
    So the men should do all the work to make the whole experience as positive for her as possible.
    Thus “Do all the work,” “No fuss,” “She enjoys,” etc.
    Simple in principle. But most men stuck on figuring out specifics applying to their own situation, since it’s a highly individualized process.
    So that’s the idea of tons of examples, to help men who can’t figure out all the specifics.
    I’m sure there will be people who will not like the idea of “turning women dominant” to fulfill men’s fantasies.
    But we are talking about “vanilla dominatrix.” It’s very different from BDSM norm.

    1. What you are describing is pretty much my Vanilla Dominatrix book!

      As regards most women are capable... yes, I do believe this. There's certainly a D-S spectrum. However, I suspect we subs tend to pair off with women who are a bit more dominant than we are, so our data is skewed.

    2. As far as data in concerned, I don’t think it matters.
      The same method can turn a girl either dominant or submissive, as long as the girl is open to kink in general.


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