Sunday, 22 July 2018

Coming out as a submissive?

From the outside, our FLR/malesub identities look like 
(a) doting husband (already public) plus 
(b) kinky goings on (private).
The weird thing about being a submissive of my generation is that we've worked so hard to be invisible, but wish we weren't.

I don't mean visible in the "my mistress leads me on a leash to the shopping mall to buy her boots" way. 

I just mean ,"not invisible."

A (RL) friend of mine who's also in a female led relationship - sort of my fault, I think - put it this way: "Somebody other than just your partner has to know who you really are."
We both have fellow malesubs to talk to, but after the initial heart to heart, there's not much to really discuss. By the time you get this far into middle age, you know what you like and how to do it, and you're OK with wanting those things. Once in a while it's useful to compare technical notes, but that's that.

However, for both of us - him and I - it goes beyond sharing the secret with a handful of confidants. We'd like a space where we don't have to hide our identities.
But what would that safe space look like?

Both of us are in monogamous relationships, so it's not the same as being young and coming out so as to date kinkily. In fact, it's not clear what difference being more out would make. From the outside, our FLR/malesub identities look like (a) doting husband (already public) plus (b) kinky goings on (private).

So, most of our - Xena and my - friends already know that I revolve around her, keeping house, supporting her career and that I defer to her on most decisions. One or two find it sweetly amusing. If I told them that it's in my nature to do what Xena wants, they'd tell me that they already knew that and "So what?" If I told them about the discipline and the chastity, they'd tell me "Ewww" and "Too Much Information" or else "So what?" Or perhaps, "Good for you."
That last is what happened when my friend did out himself to some of his more broadminded friends: They basically said some supportive things, said they were happy for him and the conversation moved on.

I'm not sure I can see the benefit of doing the same. I'd still be doing Xena's bidding, and we wouldn't be talking about our sex lives. Day-to-day, everything would look the same.

What if another couple turned out to actually be like us? Still no real change because the dynamic stuff is all private, even if it isn't secret. 

(OK, I admit it, I like the idea of Xena having another dominant friend and them egging each other on. But really, nothing would have changed.)

That leaves the BDSM community, which just isn't our scene. Our kind of kink doesn't belong in club, and Xena isn't interested in learning "better domming skills". I'm also not comfortable with the idea of identifying as a submissive in the company of dominant men. A munch isn't an attractive prospect for similar reasons plus, again, there really isn't anything to talk about.

So though it would be nice to be out to more people, I'm not really sure what that would look like...

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  1. I am trained to be her slave.

  2. Mr. English, you're back! (I should I say, I am!)
    The reason I haven't commented on your blog for ages is because I haven't been able to find it! It's so weird. You just weren't coming up on searches, I thought you'd disappeared.

    I didn't want you to think I'd fallen out with your blog! Anyway, I shall now save the link! Good to be back! :)

    - Mr. Bump


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