Monday, 30 September 2019

Female Led Relationship when her attachment style is Avoidant and his is Anxious

"It hurt"
 My attachment style is Anxious, my wife's is Avoidant. It's the perfect storm of kink...

Last night I knelt naked on the floor while Xena sat on the bed, looking very retro an elegant hand knit cardigan, and went over our finances then the state of the house. The money is going OK (please buy my books!), but I have been an inadequate house slave.

So she had me chain myself up, then she beat me.

"My wife's attachment style is Avoidant."
It hurt, made me squirm.

My wife has the knack of not hitting the sweet spots of shoulders and across the buttocks. Instead the blows rained on my flanks or individual buttocks. By the time she paused, I was whimpering and scared.

She hesitated, then touched my buttock with the whip and I yelped, squirmed. That made her giggle.

She did her face and teeth in the en suite then resumed the beating.

Five minutes later I was huddled up on the floor close to sobbing - but also hard as a rock in my chastity cage.

"Unchain yourself. Rub my feet."

I put away the chains, eased pyjamas over my smarting skin. Then I knelt and rubbed her feet while she read. I had my collar on, which means mute mode, but I wouldn't have dared talk  anyway.

When she'd had enough, I knelt in the corner. She sent me on an errand to the kitchen then let me come to bed. No kiss good night, but it was nice to lie beside her.

About 430AM, something woke me. She was stirring. I asked her if she was OK and she merely sent me to my cell - her dressing room where I keep a camping mat.

At 630 my phone alarm went off. I woke in my collar and chastity cage, camping out in my cell, and all because my mistress wanted it. It's hard to describe how satisfying that was!

I slipped into the bedroom and knelt. She was actually awake, reading, but ignored me for twenty minutes until she wanted breakfast.

A bit later on there was a cuddle and a chat, but there have been times when she's barked orders then strode off to work leaving me in my collar with a long task list.

"We look like a perfect
middle aged couple"

That probably all sounds as bleak as hell. And if you're into BDSM culture, you're probably wondering where all the check-ins were, the affirmative consent, the aftercare...

Totally absent.

There is a Safe Word, but it's for actual safety only.

And though I consent to all this, I'm aware it would be very hard to withdraw my consent. The Femdom might go away and with that the thing that makes our relationship work.

We've only understood this recently.

I'm an extrovert, but I get overloaded (I'm probably an "ambivert" or Highly Sensitive Person, or whatever). My attachment style is "Anxious", making me needy.

Xena is an introvert. Her attachment style is (probably) "Avoidant", making her aloof.

Needy and Aloof.

We were initially a good vanilla match.

She needed my extrovertism to help her reach beyond herself, I needed her introvertism to create a quiet space to retreat to. We could party together, but also sit quietly in the same room and read.

The attachment styles also worked.

She was attracted to my unconditional warmth, and I to her tranquillity and strength,

This is important. Couples complete each-other, help each other grow. There are positive sides to our attachment styles.

And the first few years of our relationship were about that. I'm no doormat.  I prodded and nudged her into discovering her warmer and more nurturing side, she set boundaries and taught me not to be too clingy.

And yes, perhaps I learned to settle for less. However, she learned to send out smoke signals to tell me how she felt: a well-thought gesture here, a perfect gift there.

Remember, whatever my reasons - the above could all be after-the-fact confabulation! - I wanted to be with her the way she was, and she likewise wanted to be with me. We only had to adapt a little to make it work. If she'd totally opened up, or if I'd totally shut down, it would have been a disaster.

"My wife liked hurting me."
We were also, of course, kinky from the start. However, the kink was sporadic. She was the world's worst service top, and never really into becoming the full-on  teasing, trash talking, fantasy facilitating dominatrix. She was also way too serious and literal to engage in any kind of fantasy roleplaying.

What she did like was (a) being served, and (b) hurting me.

Essentially, kink worked as long as we were doing power exchange "for real", rather than acting out negotiated scenes. When I finally came to embrace that, I had to let go of the prospect of lots of fun activities. The upside was that I got to experience my fantasies for real, and the fantasies quickly revealed themselves to be an orientation.

But before that slow illumination happened, time had to pass.

Life happened. Stress and fatigue stripped away some of what we'd learned, and we fell into the old dance: she'd be distant, I'd feel insecure and crowd her, she'd push me away, making me feel more insecure, making me crowd her...
"All her bugs became features"

Our Female Led Relationship fixed all this.

First, all Xena's bugs became features.

I suspect, on some level, her lack of easy warmth had always made her feel a little inadequate, and insecure, and thus irritated, and the irritation made her withdraw more, if only to get her retaliation in first.

Suddenly, all that cold disengagement is a good thing.

Not only does it make her unbelievably scarily hot when in full mistress mode, it also generates more authentic Femdom than you can shake a stick at.

She has permission to be ruthless, so she's ruthless.

She likes getting her way, likes being served, enjoys peace and quiet, sometimes likes the bed to herself.

She sets me chores and targets, beats me if I fail. She's off penetration or off my pensis, or doesn't think I deserve one - it's not clear - so mostly keeps me locked in chastity - I recently spent 11 months locked 24/7.

Every evening, I'm her mute slave, attending to her every need, sometimes sleeping in my cell.

That's been the tone of my life for the last five years. I am in sub heaven.

But there are also vanilla benefits. FLR let us square the circle, have our cake and eat it.

I'm insecure - right? -  and she has difficulty giving affirmations. But as I type this, I'm sealed into a chastity device and I spent last night sleeping in a collar. I feel owned, which is pretty much as secure as a man like me can get.

I need intimacy, she needs space. But last night, I knelt quietly, in her intimate space but not intruding on it.

"Our vanilla relationship
is warmer and fluffier than ever"
I need to be truly seen and known and valued, she dislikes fusses and introspections. But kneeling there in my collar and chastity device, taking her real world orders, I have all the acknowledgement I need, and all the validation I can take.

And Xena, who loves me and wants me to love her but can't reliably reach out to me in vanilla ways, and thus sometimes probably feels irritatingly insecure?

She knows she owns me, that I could never have something so darkly intense with anybody else. And perhaps the chastity device helps as well - who knows?

Small surprise then, now there are no hidden tensions to blight it, our vanilla relationship is warmer and fluffier than ever. We make time to go out and have coffee together at the weekends. Sometimes I walk her to work. We cuddle up in front of the TV, we cook together, we go on country walks and kick through the autumn leaves holding hands.

To an observer, we are probably the perfect middle aged couple, still in love after all these year.

How sweet.

But the observer wouldn't see my sealed on chastity device, nor my welts, nor the collar in the bedside drawer, the one I wore last night as I slept in my cell...

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    Not the psych stuff, tho the attachment style stuff or ''languages of love'' perhaps etc is interesting.

    And not the details, however hot some bits were (though I appreciate knowing that I'm not the only person with an occasional desire to kick a partner out of bed not out of anger or spite but simply because I didn't want anybody in my bed).

    But this: "First, all Xena's bugs became features." ==> I have not quite put my rational fingers on this completely yet, but I read it and gasped.

    Usually such epiphanies are presented as something that happens *between* partners -- it's incredible to find someone who gives you freely - who relishes - what you had to pull out from between another's clenched teeth. But realising that it could happen within a relationship by reworking its framework is truly brilliant.

    1. "In Authentic Femdom All Her Bugs Are Features" will perhaps be the title of my next post. Thanks!

  2. For us being a fairly conservative couple I find it’s an interesting contrast that we both love the fact that I wear a metal chastity device and my wife is the final decision maker. Now we’ve been at this for a few years I have experienced short and very long lockup periods. As we entered 2020 and talked about the new year my wife admitted that keeping me locked, which is something I also like, provides a awesome feeling of power. She knows it would be mean but my wife really would like to see

    1. Amazing isn't it? You fall through a rabbit hole and your fantasies become a reality.

  3. Giles
    My wife really wore me down about keeping me locked. We compromised and will start some longer chastity lockup periods for me as a trial basis. Either way I probably lose.


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