Why ball gripping chastity devices are secure

So, after much dithering, I bought a Chinese chastity device! It's more convenient than my DIY webbing based device, and avoids putting pressure on my back.

I'm not going to review the device because, though mine is stainless steel and well crafted, it's quite possible I've just been lucky (see the Chinese chastity device review thread here). Here it is:

My chastity device (picture taken from random supplier)

So, it's a cage and ball gripper, and of course it's not secure...

...but it is also 100% secure.

Let me explain.

Penises are squishy and scrotums are stretchy. There's no way that a ball trapper can pull the scrotum tight enough to prevent you from working your penis out the back. (And, if the scrotum was tight enough, it would soon stretch.) All the extra knobs and spikes in the world aren't going to fix this.

However, no chastity device is 100% secure because they can all be cut, or the padlocks broken. In the same way, no modern slavery contract is enforceable. In both cases, what keeps you in bondage is a  psychological barrier that diverts you from transgression.

I wouldn't take my dick out in public - my brain just doesn't go there. In the same way, I wouldn't disobey my mistress while in slave mode, and I wouldn't take my cock out of the locked chastity device.

How is this different from self imposed device-free chastity? The device is pleasant to wear when not hard, but impossible to pull out of when you do have an erection. In other words, security increases as willpower decreases. It's also a reminder for those unconscious moments when your hand drifts to your dick; "No go, not yours, hands off!"

I certainly enjoy being locked more than I would enjoy device-free chastity. For me, part of the fun of Femdom is not exercising willpower.

To this end, I am tinkering with a simple security fix not involving spikes or piercings. Of this, more later.

For spicing up your sex life with some male chastity, see my Femdom self-help guides....

A dominatrix's vulnerability - don't do this at home!

Fern's has written a wonderful post on what it feels like to be the dominatrix in seemingly trivial domestic situations. Her sub has run out of toilet roll. She wants him to fetch some but...

“Really?” he asked, “But it’s *snowing*!” [Hmmm... okay is he really resisting, or just needing a push?]“Yes, really,” I said. [A little push.]“What?!! Come on!” [I try to read him. He is half kidding with this over-the-top response, I can feel it. I'm pretty sure he will do it, even if he is pushing back...]

Skip over and read the rest of Fern's post - it's awesome, as are the comments.

Now, consider the circumstances. Ferns is a self-identified dominatrix, so the power balance within the relationship is about 50/50. If she pushes him too hard, or in the wrong way, then she may lose the sub.

If you have persuaded your existing partner to turn vanilla dominatrix, then your situation is different.

 "...for all matters domestic you need to think like a s
tereotype pre-Feminist housewife..." (pic source)

Both my Femdom self help books focus on the idea of what's in it for her?

If she's not kinky, she can still enjoy owning a slave in the same way Roman ladies enjoyed owning male slaves; guilt free domestic service plus massages with happy endings can be a pretty strong proposition.

This falls down as soon as she has to second guess herself before sending you out to buy toilet roll!

Yes, if she wants some heavy BDSM action, or hits your triggers, you need negotiation and safe words. However, for all matters domestic you need to think like a stereotype pre-Feminist housewife.

The vanilla dominatrix project only works if you accept the risks of authentic slavery; in any given session, you may be bored, uncomfortable, sad, or frustrated.

In the long run it will be worth it...

For more on Femdom for vanilla wives and girlfriends,  see my Femdom self-help guides....

Dr. David Schnarch "Intimacy and Desire" - Review ( kind of)

Intimacy & Desire

I've just finished reading Dr. David Schnarch "Intimacy and Desire".

It's one of those books designed to cure your sexless marriage. The difference is that Dr Schnarch is an experienced couple therapist with multiple qualifications, committed to evidence based treatments, with a working knowledge of Evolutionary Psychology.

So he's not just "some guy off the Internet" (like me), he's the real deal.

The book doesn't claim to be a magic bullet, either. You have to actually read it to get the full use of his ideas. However, some of what he has to say applies directly to Vanilla Dominatrix land, or Roma as I'm starting to call it.

Schnarch's "Intimacy and Desire" in a nutshell

In any marriage:

• One partner will have a higher desire than the other.
• Initially, each partner will base his or her self esteem on the other.

The end result is an inevitable feedback loop that will kill off the initial phase of  romantic sex and result in them being gridlocked. For example, she wants more sex, he wants less intimacy.

Eventually,  with his help or on their own, a functional couple will grow past this, each take responsibility for their own  self esteem, and establish a deeper more satisfying recreational sex life. The book offers several sensible techniques to help  this process.

All this, of course, assumes time energy and privacy. Thank goodness for Femdom!

"Intimacy and Desire" from a Femdom perspective

Though he doesn't really explore BDSM, his concept of "gridlock" is interesting from a Femdom perspective. 

I suspect that power exchange, especially Femdom, would actually get around most of the gridlocks he describes.

"she hates feeling like
some sort of trophy"

For example, Schnarch describes a couple where he needs to be a great lover, but she hates feeling like some sort of trophy. Stick him a chastity belt, or give her control, and there's no triumphant mounting for him, no need for her to suspect that all his efforts are a means to an end.

There's another couple where the man is so inhibited about intimacy that he has become impotent. His wife, however feels rejected. Add a chastity device and the pressure goes. Put her in charge, and he need not feel insecure about his technique either.

All this assumes that one partner introduces the idea, and that the other can be persuaded. I wonder if male chastity on its own could do the trick, especially if it was presented as a tool rather than a fantasy. I guess we'll find out in the next few years...

If you want to rekindle your vanilla sex life, try Dr Schnarch's book. However, if you just want to add  Femdom to your relationship, try my Femdom self-help guides....

The future is chaste

Well, no it's not.

There is no chance whatsoever that chastity devices are going to be standard issue for either sex, ever.

However, male chastity is showing signs of becoming mainstream. For a start, we have the tide of Chinese chastity devices. True, some are awful, but some are fine. Caveat Emptor, yes, but the point is that it's sufficiently popular a kink for Chinese factories to churn the things out...

Then there's this:



Yes, a chastity device has finally turned up in a mainstream TV show.

Tom Allen, who blogged about the appearance of a chastity cage in Californication, was unimpressed:

Really? You went there, Showtime? With all the writers and consultants, nobody could come up with a better idea than a man-hating therapist and a wife forcing her husband to wear a CB6000 as punishment for straying?

I'm a little more positive. What's nice is that the device is there as a tool, rather than a fetish toy. If it can be used for this purpose without it being ostensibly kinky, then other purposes present themselves.


Look at how the CB-X range is marketed. There's a wonderfully honest paragraph on the CB-X site:

...The product appeals to men and women alike. The misconception is that the male chastity device is only purchased to correct a wayward husband. In reality the majority of customers purchasing a male chastity device fall into two main groups: either fetish devotees or couples interested in expanding their sexual experiences with chastity play. Chastity play can bring the spark and excitement back into an otherwise stagnant relationship. Customers who use our products in cases of infidelity find chastity play helps bring trust back into the relationship. Our products have been used in the medical field and are currently being tested to treat men with erectile dysfunction. (my emphasis)

Yes, kink is in there, but mostly they are pitching it as a relationship tool. Again, you don't have to be a fetishist or a D&S couple to use one.


But why should I care? I have my collection of chastity devices. So have you, I am sure.

Well, three reasons, one selfish, two altruistic:

First, the more demand, the more competition. As male chastity devices become a mainstream sex toy/relationship tool, we'll see more and better ones. Perhaps even something secure and variations on the expensive but intriguing DreamLover2000 concept.

Second, it's easier to get vanilla people do do kink when it's not presented as drooling Fetish fare. The more cock cages turn up on TV, the easier it will be easier for male partners to suggest them. This thought makes me happy on their behalf.

Finally... well, chastity devices are useful non-fetish tools. No, a "fifty buck piece of plastic isn't going to transform your relationship" (did Tom Allen write that...can't find the quote). But it can help for just the reasons set out by the CB-X site. It can take the pressure of one or both partners, it can secure fidelity, and create a fun couple secret and so on. Even if it serves as the male equivalent of Chinese balls, that can be a good thing.

So, mainstream is good. Bring it - lock it - on!

For spicing up your sex life with some male chastity, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Why Roman Femdom and not BDSM culture?

Roman slave

A while back I got wonderfully flamed in an Amazon review:

Sounds like this guy has no understanding and as a result no respect for the BDSM community in general.

Did I deserve it? Not sure.

I do, I think, have an understanding of the BDSM community, albeit second hand through hanging around online for a decade or so. I also have a massive respect for it (hello guys!) - what you guys have done and continue to do is amazing.

I so, still, find it startling how many people are prepared to actually meet up in actual clubs in actual real life, let alone support each other in munches and workshops.

However, anybody who wants that kind of life shouldn't have too much trouble finding it; and of course there are some very good books by insiders.

"looks like a lot of work"

Thus, my two Femdom self help books are specifically aimed at relationships where the female partner is vanilla.

I mean really vanilla, not just "vanilla to date but gosh wow can I wear this latex suit and when do we get to go to the Japanese rope workshop together vanilla".

Women in this category aren't as a rule interested in learning about BDSM Culture and are not going to make it part of their identity.

Why should they?

It's like you want to get your girlfriend to come on a bicycle tour so to  get her started you ask her to start reading Cycling Weekly magazine. At this point, she doesn't really care for reading reviews of bikes she won't ride, or following debates about cycling and transport policy. Not happening, which is a pity because she might actually enjoy a bicycle tour if only you would shut up about it.

It also looks like a lot of effort, oddly centered on the submissive.

Hence my one Big Idea:

What if we started with the idea that Femdom is about unquestioned female power and went from there?

After all, you don't need her to go to a munch or start hanging out with other "mistresses". You just need her to treat you like a slave.

Which takes me to Rome AD100, rather than, say, San Francisco AD1990.

Compare and contrast the two pictures:

"...there may be erotic action
approximating to modern Femdom,
but on her terms. "

The French mistress looks awesome and I love the shackles. However, I wonder how long it took her to get into that gear, how much it cost, and what purpose the bound slave is serving. Really, the scene is about him - great if you can get it, but a hard sell for a Friday evening with an unenthusiastic partner.

The Roman slave, however, plods along carrying a hefty load. He's genuinely, practically, useful to his owner; no shackles to impede his utility, nor is he licking her sandals clean.

Later, in private, he may be useful in other ways, and if she's feeling playful... well, there may be erotic action approximating to modern Femdom, but on her terms.

If you can get past the taboo on being selfish, this is a pretty good deal for many woman... for an evening, or a day, or a weekend, or perhaps even a lifetime.

For more on Femdom for vanilla wives and girlfriends, (without much reference to the modern BDSM community or culture) see my Femdom self-help guides....

Chinese chastity devices!

China, it seems, is awash with male chastity devices. There are lots of suppliers, but only a handful of actual device types, many of which - intriguingly - have model numbers.

I've been looking at metal chastity devices from China!

For example, here's the A080:

"The A080  Male Chastity Device"

Intriguingly, one supplier describes it as "short for Asian penis". Have Chinese men discovered the chastity fetish? Or is this something rent boys where in the Far East?

Then there's the A081:

"The A081 Male Chastity Device"

This fits more standard sized dicks. For the well endowed there's the M500...

You'll notice that it has a system for connecting the cage to the ring. "science.in.a.cage" has a nice review of the M500  male chastity device (he calls it the "Chinese bird cage"). In his case the chrome broke down and he had to give up using the device.

Chrome is an issue with Chinese import devices - some people are intolerant to it, sometimes it comes off leaving jagged edges. However, some suppliers are adamant that their devices are stainless steel. At least one supplier goes to great trouble to tell you how to identify stainless steel:

Identification of stainless steel

1,when you receive the product, please use the weapon (such as blades, screwdrivers, nail clippers, etc.) in the product does not affect the use of obscure or where a little hard to draw a mark, shown in Figure 1, if the paint marks, the products appear on the right this brass, to prove the product surface plating...(read more)

Of course this could be BS. However, since very similar devices in stainless steel turn up in European and American sex shops, I'm fairly sure that at least some of these devices aren't  chrome or - God help me - pewter.


Finally, there are terrifying devices, such as this "Male Boundage chastity Short Cage Urethral Tube Gimp GAY BDSM Fetish":

"Male Boundage chastity Short Cage Urethral Tube Gimp GAY BDSM Fetish"

 Um. No thanks! However, where did they get the idea? It looks oddly like a cheaper version of the Looker 02 from Steelworxx.

Chinese chastity devices; real, or fake?

Search one portal and you'll see some very recognizable male chastity devices, some in metal, some in silicone. Are they real or fake?

Some must be counterfeits... but there are reports that some counterfeit CB6000's are less prone to splitting than originals. On the other hand, are the splitting CB6000s actually counterfeits as well?

Some probably reuse original molds, like the endless versions of Bon4/Birdlocked. Too bad for the original designer - I've been pirated once, and it made me mad.  Or is the story more complicated?

Some, like the monster above, are at least... inspired by original Western designs.

However, a good many turn out to be what Western sexshops have been quietly repackaging as their own; when the lights go on and we can see where things are really made, the "Errant Knight's Night Cage"  from www.XXXbigmanuniquechastityworkshop.co.uk (made up site name at time of writing) turns out to be something like "Gimp Fetish Male Chastity Device Number 27" from a factory somewhere near Shanghai.

It's a bit complicated...

What qualifies as real and fake anyway?

In the case of Chinese chastity devices, "fake" and "real" turn out to be relative terms.

Ignore the issue of patents and copyrights, and it's down to design and quality. It's real if the design is relatively secure and comfortable, and the quality acceptable.

Some market leaders in the Western fetish world actually consistently fail this standard!

As for chastity devices from our Chinese friends, it's down to manufacturers, batches and ultimately the quality control of the individual shop - buyer beware!

There may be something to be said for sticking to more local middlemen in the hope that the markup represents quality control - one UK couple have a nice review of what looks like a device of Chinese origin (but for all I know could have come out of a workshop in Birmingham, England).

The future is chaste

Whatever the quality, the fact that Chinese factories are churning out male chastity devices is a good omen (but goodness knows what they think of us!).

It means there's a large enough market to support competition - perhaps driven by a nascent gay subculture of "locked bois". This competition should lead to some very effective CBs. It also means - since ultimately they want our money- that we can expect the Chinese to be shipping some high quality low cost cages and belts within the next few years.

Me. I'm tempted. I'd rather buy a Mature Metal device. But since I don't have the budget... I'll let you know how it goes...

For spicing up your sex life with some male chastity, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Does BDSM ever really take over a marriage?

Kinky couples seem to become more rather than less kinky over time.

BDSM gets around most of the issues that
get in the way of vanilla passion

Even if the intensity hovers round about the same level, the ratio of kink to vanilla in the bedroom usually shifts in favour of the kink.

At first glance, it looks as if the BDSM - OMG!  Like a sinister erotic mind parasite! - takes over marriages.

But, how much sex would the couple be having without the BDSM?

Married couples don't have as much good sex as we'd like

Most of us go through dry patches. Something like 15% of us  have drifted into sexless marriages. The average for people in general in their 40s is supposed to be about once a week, but that means something like half of us are having much less sex than that.

How much of it is good sex?

How truthful are people being anyway?

Poke around online - listen to the jokes people tell at work and in the bar - and you find the default assumption is that married couples don't have much sex at all. It's commonplace for couples to slip away on second honeymoons and find other ways to rekindle the passion. Look at all the vanilla self-help sex guides on Amazon.

No, the sad truth is that marriage and lovemaking are structurally incompatible - for reasons of Evolutionary Psychology, delightful intimacy gradually destroys excitement. Unless you are part of a drama-prone relationship, the longer you are together, the less good sex you will have.

Married couples simply don't have as much good sex as we'd like. 

The war against bedroom boredom is unwinnable and unsustainable

This structural  incompatibility explains why many vanilla couples are locked in an intermittent war against bedroom boredom: try this spice, try that form of yoga, go to this class, escape for romantic weekends...

Some couples enjoy this as an adventure or a hobby. Others don't have the time and the energy. And, I bet, most end up feeling discouraged and ultimately self-conscious.

After all, it's like fighting coastal erosion. Doable, but not winnable.  You can build a house on the edge of the storm-battered cliff, but don't expect it to be there in the Summer! Passion can never become routine, or it would not be passion.

This war is not really sustainable at any intensity. Sooner or later, most couples must give up and accept that sex will only be exciting once in a blue moon, drift into joining that 15%, or simply split.

So, BDSM is a replacement for marital passion, not an alternative

BDSM gets around most of the issues that get in the way of vanilla passion:

• Taps different areas of evolutionary psychology: Capture bonding, and conditioning get around the whole "in the mood" problem for the sub. Consensual exploitation gets around the same problem for the dom, e.g. "this isn't sex this is slave-assisted masturbation".
• Generates excitement by tackling it directly: You can't revisit the thrilling fear of that first kiss, but the prospect of a whipping can make sex feel dangerous again. In general, BDSM creates distance, which restores excitement.
• Eroticises bad sex: A lot  of subs want to be used, exploited and denied. Throw in a power relationship and a chastity belt, bad sex becomes darkly kinky sex.

So when it seems to take over, isn't BDSM really just occupying the space left by the inevitably retreating vanilla sex? Aren't kinky couples really choosing, not between kink and vanilla, but between kinky sex or no sex.

For adding some BDSM to your sex life, see my Femdom self-help guides....