My year of chastity and orgasm control

Mostly, that means the Holy Trainer 2...
It's easier than you think to ask for chastity.

I've now worn a chastity device regularly for over a year! Mostly, that means the Holy Trainer 2 and wearing every night and most days. At present, Xena permits me a weekly orgasm, though her orgasms defer mine. However, it all started with a marathon 152 days of no orgasm! (Here's my report after 113 days of chastity).

Physically, the main effect is that my balls ache when I'm not wearing my chastity device.

I'm told this is quite common. It can't be to do with unspent semen, because this happens even after I've had an orgasm. And it can't be to do with bruising, because it goes away as soon as the device goes on.

The chastity marathon was surprisingly easy after the first few weeks.
Find out how your life could be like this!

My best guess is that the base ring slightly restricts the blood flow to the testes. Your body either gets used to it, or compensates by increasing the pressure. Without the base ring you then get more pressure than you are used to, and it feels like bruising.

The easiest response is to remove the device less often, meaning that male chastity devices are physically addictive -- quite a turn on!

The chastity marathon was surprisingly easy after the first few weeks. The weekly orgasm routine, however, has me feeling horny and on edge on Sunday night. If my orgasm is deferred -- like this week -- then my body really feels the need.

 ...some of our adventures have been
 positively pornographic
Find out how to add some Femdom to your relationship!

Mentally... well I've gotten used to this thing as a fixture.

I don't have much desire to unlock, and pullout is just not in my lexicon of behavior. I rather like the waves of pent up lust, and -- since my satisfaction is out of the picture -- any sensual interaction with Xena is an immense turn on. Just massaging her feet and legs every night is compensation for not being able to masturbate or have sex.

Sex is still off the cards. However, we were pretty much in a dead bedroom, with penis in vagina action being more of a gift from her than anything else, leaving me feeling slightly disappointed each time. I don't miss that disappointment, and missing the feel of my wife's vagina is -- in a masochistic way -- a turn on. Meanwhile, some of our adventures have been positively pornographic -- a fair trade, I think.

Emotionally, I am happier. I'm sure this is partly because orgasm rationing does odd things to the hormones and brain chemistry! Wearing the device also makes me feel like myself, but I want to talk about a year of being in a Female Led Relationship in another blog entry.

Relationship-wise, as I said, the device underpins our FLR. However there's an interesting vanilla effect. I used to use my intense BDSM masturbation fantasies to escape the issues in my life, and in imagining other relationships and other lives, I was perhaps slowly disengaging emotionally both from Xena and the real world. The odd healing thing, then, about wearing a chastity device is that it's shifted my focus back to my marriage. This is one of those experiences which makes me suspect that male chastity will go mainstream one day.

Would I recommend this to somebody else? I don't know. It's something you have to not just want, fantasize over, but need. It has to feel right, more right than the alternative.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Updating our Female Led Relationship Contract

"Well. I can't imagine living any other way." 
This could be you!

It's past the anniversary of our Female Led Relationship.

We reached our New Year milestone without a whimper. It was Xena's decision and she simply announced we'd keep going until this milestone, when it would be up to me to decide.

So now I was determined that we were going to have a conversation about it. Xena's been busy and tired of late, and I was starting to feel as if I was merely a dutiful house husband whose busy wife indulged his private fetish so long as it had no impact on her.

And that's how we ended up, me kneeling at the foot of the bed rubbing her feet.

"So..."

"So..."

Awkward pause.

"It's your decision," says Xena.

I think for a minute. "I want to hear what you think about it first. You're really rubbish at owning stuff like this." 

"What do you mean?"

I try to keep my tone light. "You like stuff, then forget you like it. You agree to stuff then act as if it's all my fault for making a fuss."

She laughs. "Well. I can't imagine living any other way."

My erection goes off like an airbag, one constrained by my ever present Holy Trainer 2 chastity device. "Oh."

"How do you feel?"  asks my wife.

"Horribly turned on by what you said," I admit. I try to rally my thoughts. Kneeling at her feet, locked into a chastity belt, seven days since my last orgasm -- it's not a good negotiating position.  

I rehearse the old story, why we're like this. Xena has a high powered job, needs my support. I manage dribs and drabs of contract work. 

"It's not to do with fair division of labour," I say. "It's just impossible to separate out me doing my share and the more personal stuff, plus you have your own domestic standards. And you like to switch off in the evening." I don't normally chat to her during foot-rubs. At night I am very much a personal slave until it's time to get into bed next to her. "So even without this arrangement, I'd still end up doing everything and taking orders. This seems more straight forward."

"As you say, this does suit me..."This could be you!

She agrees with me. However, I'm not going to let her off the hook. I push on. "Also, being in charge suits you, regardless. You like being in charge. So if you're up for it, then I'm happy to keep going."

Really. She said that. My cock is so hard in its prison I'm ready to roll onto the floor and weep. I stick to my guns, though, and bring up the way I've felt neglected, and how the sex seems to have gone out of our relationship of late.

That brings up an old argument, one many couples have. Xena retreats into the, "Oh well I don't have much of a sex drive I can do without it" stance. However, it also comes out that she's been stressed at work and we've both been taking it in terms to have low grade viruses and 'flu. Now, whenever she tries to kick start her libido by masturbating with me out of the room, I've always acted sulky (because I've been feeling neglected), which has put her off the whole thing.

I suddenly realize that it's the things she does not the things she says that matter. I abjectly apologize for cramping her style, remind her that for things to work she has to use the demerits, and suggest we give things another go.

...she has me lie in the corner
where I can't see and she masturbates.
 Still better than a dead bedroom!

"OK," says my still vanilla-acting wife. "As you say, this does suit me. We'll review it after six months," she says, "then after a year, unless the financial situation changes."

I try not to whimper. Yes, chaste and serving, not a good negotiating position.

Then she has me lie in the corner where I can't see and she masturbates. I lie there for ever, my cock heaving with the ebb and flow of the buzzing vibrator, and then to bed.

Then last night she administered my demerits, 23 lashes, of which more another time.

So now, instead of getting off, I'm writing this. Thanks to Saturday's orgasm -- hers, I mean -- don't get mine until tomorrow. A trivial wait, but my body has grown used to the Monday ritual.

So now I'm working on an update to our Female Led Relationship contract. Watch this space!

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

A year of wearing the Holy Trainer 2 Male Chastity Device

I have... worn it almost
every night for a year.
Find out how to be chaste like me!

No, I haven't worn it for a year solid, though I think that would be possible. It's easy to shower in the device and a hairdryer on cool seems to dry the parts you can't reach with a towel.

I have, however, worn it almost every night for a year, most working days, and some weekend days, except for a short break to explore a 3D printed chastity device.

There were teething troubles.

I feel sexy in my Holy Trainer 2.
Xena likes the look.
Get your wife to be dominatrix like Xena!

The first few batches of the Holy Trainer 2 softened too easily when warm. I had two identical breaks, but they replaced them without question and my third device has lasted a good five months or so, so I suspect they have the problem nailed.

The replacement devices both had imperfect finishes. I had to spend quality time with "wet and dry" paper smoothing them off. This wasn't too bad a task, but not quite what you'd expect from a proper commercial organisation.

Overall, however, the device is amazing.

First and foremost, the Holy Trainer 2 is really comfortable and practical. Worn without lotion and with the underside of the ring not too flush with the body, it's even actually rather pleasant with "morning wood". It fits my body, I can jog in it, bend down to to my shoelaces, I can sit and type this... It's also easy to pee in. Showering isn't a problem. Drying seems to just require a hairdryer and perseverance.

The "magic locker" means
you have an integral lock.This could be your caged genitals!

Honestly, if Xena wanted me permanently chaste, I'd simply replace the lock with plastic and apply glue with no anxieties other than the obvious ones.

Next, it's really unobtrusive. The "magic locker" means you have an integral lock. No noisy, irritating padlock to deal with. I often forget I'm wearing it and it's invisible under all but the tightest clothes. I have worn the chastity device 24/7 for 72 hours and had no problems.

Finally, it looks good. I feel sexy in it. Xena likes the look -- and she's usually not particularly impressed with the aesthetics of bondage toys.

So a year's regular wear and... no chafing, no odd callouses, no bruises on my pubis, no odd swellings on or around my genitals.

The Holy Trainer 2 is so comfortable and low impact that it is sinister!

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Reviews of Vanilla Dominatrix and Roman Dominatrix (via emails and comments)

I just had a series of emails from a reader (who wishes to remain anonymous). They pretty much made my day, so -- with his permission -- I'll replicate parts of them here:

"...an easy leap to realize
that femdom is a core kink,"Don't just read this, read my
Femdom self help guides and live the life! 

I just wanted to say thanks for writing the Vanilla Dominatrix. 

Been into crossdressing for a while — and when I realized I was really into femdom, I wasn't sure how to explain it to my fiancée. Your book gave me the confidence and language I needed to do it, and it couldn't have gone better...

Knowing how to pitch it to her has meant that she's gotten really into it as well, and has fully embraced it. While we're not totally sure exactly what we're into, but we're excited to try it together, and none of it would have been possible without your book!
Thank you — so much.

To which I asked...

So did you progress from cross dressing to Femdom with her, or discover what you actually liked was Femdom and therefore the cross dressing was less important?

And he responded...

Always knew I was into crossdressing, especially forced feminization. But lately it didn't have the same spark, and after some introspection I realized it was because while I deeply enjoy the act itself, what I really find arousing is femdom mixed with it. From there it was an easy leap to realize that femdom is a core kink, and that crossdressing can add some delightful spark to it.

That's what my Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix is all about. Not how to do specific kinks, but how to think about them and then see their potential benefits from your partner's point of view. I'm so happy that these two lovebirds found my book useful!

Meanwhile in the comments to another article, an anonymous commentator said:

Terrific and enlightening book.... I bought both books. Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix was good, pointed out a lot of things I did wrong early in our relationship. However, The Roman Dominatrix is amazing. Creating that firewall and the psychological aspects of getting her to feel comfortable in the role were especially helpful.

I've had some odd, slightly suspect reviews over on Amazon. One reviewer accused me of disrespecting BDSM culture, which is odd because the books aren't about BDSM culture. So reviews like this make it all worthwhile. Thanks guys!

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

How to wear the Holy Trainer 2 without lotion (and beat morning wood)

I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device
most days for about a year.

I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device most days for about a year. It's not technically secure -- of course -- but it's psychologically secure (longer blog entry on chastity device security here).

Here's what I've learned.

Buying a Holy Trainer 2

Make sure you get a tube that neatly fits your flaccid penis. Too long is disastrous. Much too short is reveals too much shaft when aroused, and also makes you feel your dick is being ripped off.

Similarly, get a small enough ring which is more secure and prevents stray flaps of skin pinching.

The customs people are increasingly wise to small packages coming from Switzerland, so to avoid duty you're best purchasing your chastity device from a local supplier, e.g. in the UK Uberkinky.

When the thing arrives, check it for seams and sand down any you find using fine grade wet and dry paper.

Installing the Holy Trainer 2

You will need your chastity device, a Q-tip and a few moments privacy. (Do your first installation in private so you don't get flustered!)

Don't be tempted to use lotion. Long term this is unhygienic and probably weakens your skin. Short term, it lets the base ring slide making morning wood an unbearable balls-yanking experience.
Without the lotion, the ring grips your scrotum nicely, and doesn't slip much when you get hard.

1. Install the base ring. Make sure the top is snug with your pubis. At the bottom, leave a couple of fingers width of scrotum free. (This lets you move around.)
2. Pull your penis through.
3. Install the tube by pushing your penis down out of the way and starting to slot the tube into place. At the last moment, push your penis up into the tube, then finish installing the tube. (This prevents pinching and gets the penis deeper into the tube.)
4. Pull the top of the scrotum through the ring so that it's snug and lock the device. Don't be tempted to pull at the front of the scrotum -- that tends to pull your penis back out of the end of the device making peeing harder.
5. Carefully -- CAREFULLY --insert the Q-tip into the front of the tube and between your penis and the walls. (Avoid pushing the thing into your urethra!!!). Roll the Q-tip around, easing your penis forward until the head is aligned properly against the inside of the pee-hole.
6. If you're not hard, now push your finger into the back of the tube and ensure all the lose skin is pushed forward into the tube. (This helps prevent the head of your penis rolling back from the end, then getting stuck when you get aroused.)
7. Now bend over or squat so that your tackle hangs loose. You'll find your penis head has pulled back from the tube end. Repeat steps 5 and 6 then stand up. Your penis should now be securely pressed against the end.

A note on morning wood: Morning Wood is normal and pretty much physiologically unavoidable. It's the bane of chastity device wearers. Typically we wake up in pain, the base ring stretching our balls, the head of our penis swollen and jammed 25% short of the end, and a great length of shaft exposed in a way that feels ugly and vulnerable. 

As you'll have gathered, my trick for beating it is: Use a small enough ring with no lotion so that it grips the scrotum not the balls. Seat the penis properly in the tube, making sure any loose skin is pushed up into it. Avoid pulling on the front of the scrotum so that the skin feeds in when the penis erects.

EDIT: Or you could use the stocking method, which now I have working is pretty amazing. Blog entry to follow once I've worked out how to explain it.

How to urinate in a Holy Trainer 2

The important thing is to get your pee hold lined up hard against the slit. I keep a Q-tip handy to do this, however if I'm out and about my penis is usually shrunken enough that I can merely shake and push on the device to align it.

When peeing, be careful not to lift the device and thus kink your shaft. This makes a mess!

I find I need only expose the tube in order to pee. However, what with the need for a Q-tip, I don't think I'd ever use a public urinal while wearing my chastity device.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Did 50 Shades of Grey miss the trend?: How many women fantasize about sexually dominating their partner?

46.7% of women fantasize about
dominating somebody sexually.
Find out how to not mess it up when you meet one.

Good news! 46.7% of women fantasize about dominating somebody sexually, according to a survey of 1,517 Quebec adults.

64.6%, meanwhile, fantasize about being dominated. So rather than 50 Shades of Grey revealing the dark truth about women's sexuality, it really just revels in one of several dark truths.

Sure, two thirds of women get off on the idea of being dominated, but roughly a half of them quite like the idea of doing the dominating.

Better yet, since 53.3% of men have submissive fantasies, it follows that the true sexually submissive male to potentially sexually dominant female ratio is 1.14:1, pretty much one domme for every sub.

Depending on what female switches really do, this is slightly better or much better than the estimated 1.6:1 to 4:1 ratio in the active fetish community.

But the game changer is: these new statistics are for the whole community, not just the active fetish one.

Just think about it. Half of modern women are potential dominatrixes.

...if a woman has a dominant fantasy
it's likely to be a fairly soft one...Learn how to sell yourself to her as a slave!

Half of the entire pool... the pool of every single datable woman in your city, the ones you have other stuff in common with, not just the ones who pop up in the Fetish community. Those are pretty good odds if you approach it right.

It feels as if something has changed. Are modern women simply more confident and empowered? Is it that there are more dominatrix-like role models on screen and in books?

One thing that I think is very clear is that you can't assume these dominatrix fantasies are off-the-peg ones, or match what the webcam dommes get up to.

"Dominate" implies a dynamic, yes, but only 23.8% of women imagined spanking or whipping somebody, and 10.8% were interested in "forcing" somebody to have sex. However, 41.7% imagined tying somebody up for sexual gratification.

So, if a woman has a dominant fantasy it's likely to be a fairly soft one, and -- I'm betting -- she's still unlikely to have done anything about it, or even be prepared to admit it.

That means that, if you are compatible in other ways, you still need to approach Femdom honestly but with care, always asking yourself "what's in it for her?"

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Those Fetlife stats and why they don't matter: What are the chances of finding Femdom in the Fetish scene?

What are the chances of finding
Femdom in the Fetish scene?

A single heterosexual sub walks into a munch.

What are his chances of eventually -- since munches aren't singles bars -- finding an ongoing relationship there, rather than the opportunity to take part in scenes at clubs and play parties?

Judging from what people post online, worse than finding a vanilla relationship in the straight dating scene where the ration of men to women can drift as far as 1:4 in your favor.

But how much worse?

Those Fetlife membership statistics

There's no super survey of Femdom in the fetish world. However, somebody posted some stats for Fetlife. Since many Fetlifers are denizens of clubs and munches, we can treat it as a snapshot of what goes on in real life.

Up until this point, the best data I could find was quite old Kinsey statistics from 1993:

14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism

That's a BDSM male/female ratio of 1.27 to 1... not too bad. However, the proportion of (self-identified) men to women in this Fetlife survey is roughly 1.6:1, actually worse than yesteryear. This may just mean that more men surf one-handed than women, though. Let's just agree that there are roughly as many kinky men as kinky women in the world.

(The Kinsey stat doesn't mention sexual orientation but the Fetlife orientations seem roughly matched -- the same proportion of men and women are available for heterosexual pairings.)

Things get more depressing when we start looking for Femdom.

Kinsey : “A [1995] study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females... prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage.” 

That gives an m:F proportion of 6.45:1 assuming equal numbers of men and women. I'm guessing that women were in the minority on the old boards, and that a high proportion of them were pro dommes, not in itself a bad thing, but not necessarily what most subs want long term.

Reddit user "dalalphabet" totaled up:

23,989 submissive males and 14,767 dominant women.

Less than 10% of men and women identified as exclusively same-sex in their orientation, so let's ignore orientation for the moment. That gives Fetlife a proportion of 3:1... not good, but roughly twice as good as a few years ago.

Meanwhile, 32,083 male switches and 20,406 female switches changes the odds somewhere between 1.6:1 to 4:1 depending whether the women will top men.

However this probably doesn't matter, because the precise statistics don't matter. Here's why...

Why the Fetlife statistics probably don't matter anyway if you are looking for a Femdom relationship

Let's just agree that in Femdom world there are more subs than dommes. It certainly fits the sob stories online about male subs greatly outnumbering dommes.

The precise proportion, however, is irrelevant.

Any imbalance in favor of the
dommes means that most of the
dommes will be attached most
of the time

Any imbalance in favor of the dommes means that most of the dommes will be attached most of the time, since subs will do their best to preserve the relationship. Meanwhile the pool of single subs will "churn" as men drift away disheartened and others take their place.

When a sub position does become available, you'll always be competing with several men. A larger group size won't help because you'd need an awful lot of dommes for more than one to be single or looking for a secondary at any given time.

Assuming exclusive relationships and that 3:1 ratio, a community of 40 means you're competing with 19 other spare subs, a community of 400 just means that you're now competing  199 other subs.

If it looks bad for the sub, it's also bad for the domme.  Many unattached dommes report real trouble in finding a partner. I think this is the result of of pool size and "noise".

If you live in a big city, potential vanilla partners are measured in hundreds of thousands, kinky ones in mere thousands.

It's simply 100 times harder to find a truly compatible partner if you limit yourself to the kinky pool. It's about the same as only dating fellow squash players. True, you'll always have some values in common, but that won't be enough in itself.

Although subs want to throw themselves at the feet of anybody who will dominate them, dommes tend to be more wise and less desperate in their choice of partners. However, their pool is limited to a small number of men who won't help them establish whether that compatibility exists. Worse, a good proportion of those men will be rather odd; entitled, pushy, needy, ugly...or just fixed in those expectations.

So is it worth getting involved in the local fetish scene? 

You don't know until you've tried. Communities can vary wildly.  You'll certainly find friends, support, and BDSM know-how.

However, if you are a male sub I would not regard the scene as the automatic answer to all your romantic needs. You'll still probably have to go out and find your own domme in the vanilla world.

And, if you are a married man with submissive urges and a vanilla wife... well the grass is neither greener nor kinkier on the other side of the hedge.

Update: Amusing thread on Reddit in which a young man discovers the Fetish community isn't entirely full of hot young things.

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When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.