A prediction: Why the Oxballs male chastity device will make male chastity mainstream

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Growing up kinky - an old memory helps me own my submission

She wasn't there.

The slave girl wasn't there.

Not so long ago, we were in a grand old house in the North of England, winding up the staircase, and I had a sudden sense of expectation. There would be this statue of a chained slave girl.

All I found was an empty niche and a note saying she was off on loan to an art gallery.

But the memories were there and they blew away the last vestige of my "submission is just a sweet spot" narrative:

Domination and submission is one of several sweet spots in a relationship. At this moment, I feel more comfortable as a submissive.

This is really just a variation on the story I used to tell myself and lovers:

As a kid, a gymnastics class taught me the sensual joy of stretching and straining my muscles. For this reason I was drawn to non-sexual bondage fantasies and tying up games. As sexuality dawned, I wove sex into the fantasies. Submission just provided a pretext, a scenario.

In a nutshell, I had convinced myself I was just a "bottom" with vivid fantasies. I suspect an awful lot of men do this. Bottoms are heroic, licentious, rakish in their search for transgressive pleasure. Subs are... well, we don't look exactly macho, do we?

But the missing slave girl told me neither of these are true.

Staring at the empty niche, I remembered back more than a couple of decades to visiting the place on the edge of my adolescence, and being mesmerized by the slave girl.

I was surrounded by naked bronze, at least half of it
slinkily female.

She was, of course, supposed to be about the horrors of slavery. However my father detected hypocrisy at work and remarked, cynically, that some people got excited by such a thing -- and that was the first time I was made aware that other people might be kinky. (He sounded slightly contemptuous of kinky people, which was probably not helpful in the long run.)

At the time, I was guiltily aware only of erotic curiosity, of wanting to slip a hand up those tempting thighs and see whether she was anatomically correct behind the wispy kilt.

However, walking up the imposing stair some three and a half decades later, I discovered I was surrounded by naked bronze, at least half of it slinkily female.

Whatever the pubescent me thought was my motivation, my real interest in the chained Slave Girl can only have been that she was a slave girl and I have a sense that I vaguely wanted to be her.

I was always -- in my imagination
 -- the victim

Yes, she was chained, but those are not chains you could strain against. Nor do they easily fit some bondage fantasy. They are there because she is a slave. (And yes, she's a Victorian fantasy slave, carved from racism and colonialism, with a side order of misogyny; I am chronicling my youthful reactions here, only. Real slavery isn't sexy.)

So even at that age, I was more interested in the dynamic than in the bondage.

So much for being a bottom.

This was also well before the confusions and knock backs of early dating could have given me the idea that submitting might be a sweet spot if only I could find it. So I can't pretend that my interest in the dynamic was a response to experience.

So much for the sweetspot excuse.

As Xena drove us south, that evening, I revisited the memories on which I built just a bottom and sweetspot.

I was one of those kids who was always interested in bondage and restraint, in dungeons and tying up games and damsels in distress and the martyr stories they fed us at school. I was always -- in my imagination -- the victim.

I was also intrigued by
tales of slavery

However, I was also intrigued by tales of slavery. For example, weird thoughts about being Roman mine slave agitated my imaginings when I was supposed to be sleeping.

I even once got a friend to tape me into a robot costume -- a confection of cardboard boxes --  and then guiltily, angrily, getting rid of the thing. It made me feel vaguely dirty.

That leads to the memory of always guiltily being aware that this was a dark fascination. In hindsight it was definitely tied to my awakening sexuality. For example, felt very agitated about a SciFi inspired game I planned in which the neighborhood girls would chase boys and then tag them with stapled-shut cardboard fetters, and then recoiled from that agitation and let the idea drop.

Then, in very early teenage, there was a visit to a castle dungeon, and a there was a girl my age who loudly gloated over all the torture apparatus.

I remember a panicky sense of loss that I had no way of talking to her, let alone striking up any sort of relationship. Here was the only girl in the universe who seemed to think my way and I was too young to do anything about it. Talk about bad timing!

Here was the only girl in the universe who
seemed to think my way

I'm not sure what I thought I'd do with that relationship even if I could have it. However, had she lived on my street, perhaps I would be with her still.

So looking back, I can see now that my fantasies, pre-sexual but sensual, then sexual, were always submissive ones rather than merely bondage-orientated, and always tending to boy-girl scenarios.

I'm just glad I ended up with Xena

I can also see that none of my submissive urges came out in the rest of my life. I was often the kid who organised the others into games, was no more obedient to adults than my peers, and didn't in any way feel drawn to caring or serving professions.

It seems to me now that I have always been a sexual submissive, the way gay people will often tell you that they were always gay.

I still think Femdom and particularly male chastity is a sweetspot. However, this really is my sexuality, and it's so ingrained, I wonder whether it might be better described as an orientation.

So there I was growing up kinky without even a word to describe it, carrying with me a terrible secret while trying to be normal. I'm just glad I ended up with Xena.

I don't think that growing up sub and dom will ever become socially acceptable or even politically correct the way LGBTQ has. I really doubt even the most liberal high schools will include BDSM in their sex education, or that fellow pupils will ever rally around a teen who "comes out" as a submissive!

However, young kinksters do at least have the internet:

Hi, I’m 18, just turned in April, but I’m interested in being a submissive. I’ve been curious about it since I was fifteen, but really started wanting to experiment this year.

Go read the full question and lunaKM's response. 

Meanwhile, I'm left with a question.

If this is so primal, so ingrained in my personality from such an early age, where does it come from? It's one thing to suspect humans have a D&S mode. Another thing to be born with it pre-triggered.

EDIT: Interesting Reddit thread that throws context on this. I'm certainly not the only one...
And another thread here: Earliest memories that hint at your tendency towards BDSM sexuality?

And another one: What's the etiology of your interest in Femdom?

And another: When did you realize you were into BDSM?

And another with a nice opening post from a Gay submissive: Where does kink come from?

And another from a dom: Found the porn I jerked off to during my adolescence at my parents' house this weekend...

And another.. How did you discover your first kink?

---

Don't be alone with your Femdom urges! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Consent in Roma: The Vanilla Dominatrix and Consent Culture

....the Vanilla Dominatrix isn't
interested in consent.

ShinyDiscard on Reddit remarked:

I've read previous articles from you but I find it hard to distinguish the consent in some of your writings.

I promised a follow up article, and this is it. 

(The tldr is; (a) All my consent is by necessity up front. (b) I don't mind putting up with bad things to get to the good things. (c) I'm a submissive, so the fact of putting up with bad things turns me on. (d) I have hard limits, but we never go anywhere near them.)

I don't talk a lot about consent because the Vanilla Dominatrix* isn't interested in consent.
*Generalizing here, your mileage may vary.

I mean, yes, she needs your consent. She's doesn't want to be evil for real, and the fact you consent is what gives her permission to explore being selfish and in charge.

However, she's vanilla -- doesn't identify as kinky -- and therefore has no motivation to make any mental effort in the erotic sphere where she would usually expect to relax.

Put her in charge? Fine.

Ask her to have long discussions about specifics, get affirmative consent for each and every action, or check in with you throughout whatever it is you get up to? Why should she bother?

She's not interested in the BDSM subculture, and therefore not interested in engaging with the complexities of Consent with a capital "C". This was all your idea after all!

This is less of a problem than it sounds. Let's back up a little bit. Why is consent so important in BDSM?

Sunday Night Whipping: #1 Xena in retro stockings gives me a painful whipping and more...

...suddenly she's this alien creature, this
ghost from the flapper erotica I love.
Learn how to get your wife involved 
in your wildest dreams! 

Why do I do it? Let Xena control my orgasm? Follow her orders 24/7?

Sunday night and I'm kneeling in chains waiting for Xena. I'm naked except for my Holy Trainer 2 chastity device and a sturdy iron collar that tethers me to the radiator.

I have on-site contract work this week, so the weekend was all about spring cleaning.

No sport or socializing, so I wore my Holy Trainer except to shower -- which was pleasant, actually.

Xena took control of the demerit counter and but the demerits mounted up, not just for undusted surfaces, but for things that would once have broken her mood and ejected us from Femdom world: I broke a precious champagne glass, 3 demerits. I got grumpy over her standards, 2 demerits.

This was Xena in charge.
Learn how to take charge of 
your husband! 

This was Xena in charge.

Now, at the end of 24 hours toil, with 30 demerits outstanding, I wait for my wife to come to the bedroom. I don't expect much, frankly. We've had a dry spell this year, so the best I'm hoping for is that she'll wear something sexy while she beat me.

At last I hear her tread on the stairs. She wanders into the bedroom, potters arranging ornaments, fiddles with her mobile phone, searches out some receipts...

All the while I'm kneeling in the corner, feeling time pass, powerless, and starting to hate her. What's next? A bored flogging and sleep?

...the weekend was all
about spring cleaning.
This could be you! Learn how!

Finally she sits on the bed opposite me, peers at the demerit counter. "Well now Giles. Thirty demerits." There's a glint in her eye. "How many slave points have you got?"

I lick my lips. "About half a dozen."

She smiles. "What would you like me to wear?"

"Stockings," I managed. "And that nice dress with the animal print."

She strides over to the wardrobe and strips down to her underwear.

I feast my eyes on her honeyed skin. The gulf between us -- her an elegant woman in her bedroom, me a chaste slave in an iron collar... it's like watching a stranger. My cock rears up against its prison.

She turns and throws me my key. "You might as well help...!"

I fumble with the key, get the padlock unlocked. "Shall I lose the collar, mistress?"

"No," she says casually. "Leave it on. Now hurry up."

I scurry around the bed and there she is all bare flesh and undies.

She hands me a stocking and stretches a long muscular leg. "Put it on."

These are warm woolen stockings, soft and cozy, not like my hard iron dungeon collar. I roll on the first, then the second, smoothing the wool over her curves, and suddenly she's this alien creature, this ghost from the flapper erotica I love.

She pulls on the dress then smiles down on me. "What do you think?"

I whimper, but I have slave points to spend. "I don't think panties are part of the costume."

Xena giggles -- so much like a flapper my cock twitches in its prison -- "They might come off later. Now help me on with my shoes." High-heeled brogues, more period style. At last she snatches up the riding whip and becomes... commanding.  "Now secure yourself."

I don't enjoy the whipping.
What a shame!
Learn how to make this happen
in your marriage.

It takes me just a couple of minutes. Velcro cuffs on wrist and ankle. Then clip chains to attachment points on the bed frame. In no time, I'm chained across the foot of the bed.

Whack!

I squeal and buck against my restraints.

"One..." counts Xena.

I don't enjoy the whipping.

In erotica, whippings often look sexy, sensual, as if those welts were drawn on with red lipstick. And you'd expect the pain to blur into a sexy haze.

But, even with my cock hard in its device, each blow hurts, there's no blurring, just squirming and yelping.

No I don't enjoy this, but I could no more tell her to stop or twist free of the cuffs than I could -- say -- stand up at a business meeting and explain that my wife keeps me in chastity. It's just not in the lexicon.

But this helplessness, that is a turn on just to contemplate now as I type this. I like living in fear of the lash, love the way this helplessness makes my slavery real.

And the beating is cathartic for both of us. Xena works off all the niggles, irritations, dissatisfaction and I take my punishment gladly; being whipped is better than being nagged or moaned at, and I genuinely do better as a husband and housekeeper with this threat over my head.

And Xena reaches ten.

She is my perfect flapper.
Learn how to ask for kink!

She yawns and rolls onto the bed, still wearing her shoes -- they're new, so this is OK. She rests her heels on my smarting back and starts to read.

I twist to look over my shoulder. She has her knees bent. Her leopard pattern dress furls around her thighs, revealing her stocking tops above woolen clad curves. She is my perfect flapper.

Now the pain does blur with the lust. I squirm futilely. Even if my hands were free, there is a tube locked around my hard cock. This is an itch I cannot scratch.

"Help me out of my shoes," says Xena. She stretches a long leg so I can reach her laces and free her feet of first one then the next shoes. The brogues fall to the floor where I can stare at them, enjoying the way the tight feminine curve of the instep contrasts with the blocky heels.

Something prickles my spine. I flinch.

Xena giggles. "What's that?"

"Um." I genuinely don't know. Has she bought some new punishment instrument? A pinwheel perhaps.

Buy the how-to book right now!

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She giggles again. "A vibrator, silly." She rolls back, puts her wool-clad heels on my back and I hear the device buzz.

I do a mental calculation. I'm in an office Tuesday to next Monday. Tomorrow is my only window to masturbate for a week! 

The vibrator buzzes and slurps. My groin ripples in sympathy. I might just come spontaneously, and THAT would be a disaster. Otherwise, if I don't watch and she comes, my own orgasm still defers to a week Tuesday! If I do watch...

"Oh God," I blurt. "If I look then I have to wait a week and a half to come."

Xena emits a sensual sigh. "Don't look then."

I strain against my bonds and look over my shoulder...

Keep an eye out for the next installment. I make no promises. Typing this out while hopelessly chaste is exquisite torment! In the mean time, you might like this episode that happened to us last year.

UPDATE: And here's the next installment of our Femdom adventure.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Our Female Led Relationship Contract line by line

Find out how to ask for this!

As promised, here's a line by line explanation of our Female Led Relationship contract. I read it out to Xena as she did her yoga. She was a bit "Oh god do we have to do it right now" at first, but as I read got into it.

The comments are going to make the format ugly, so I'll put in a read more break.

Our updated Female Led Relationship Contract

I'll post this here for reference, then go through it with comments in another entry.
This contract reflects our evolving dynamic. The rules create effects that please Xena, but Giles is responsible for keeping track of them.

Our Female Led Relationship (FLR) remains in effect between milestones.
The next milestones are September 2015 and September 2016, unless Xena judges that financial or work circumstances have changed.

Except in exceptional circumstances, we will solve any issues within the framework of the FLR. However, Xena may suspend elements for practical reasons.

On reaching a milestone, Xena and Giles will decide together whether and how to continue.

Discover the techniques that got us to this point!

Core Female Led Relationship

Xena is the naturally dominant partner.
We are both happy with this.
 Discover the techniques that got us to this point!

Xena is the naturally dominant partner. We are both happy with this.

We will treat the FLR as real, indivisible, and routine, accepting any inconveniences as inevitable. Giles accepts that he will suffer mental and physical distress. In return, Xena will not reference that this is what he signed up for.

Xena controls all matters domestic and intimate with powers of discipline and reward. She can extend this as she sees fit. However, Giles will share the responsibilities of adult life.

Giles will serve honestly. Xena acknowledges that this high level of personal service is only available to her through the FLR and will try to praise, rather than thank. (Positive statements about having a slave are particularly effective.)

The FLR is a secret. Giles may only discuss it with those friends who already know about his blog, unless otherwise instructed by Xena. Giles will avoid over-sharing with Xena, but may blog about his adventures.

Demeanor

Slave Mode... a semi-mute slave,
attending on her until dismissed.
Dare to try being a part-time slave!

Giles will range from normal but compliant husband through to semi-mute slave when he will call Xena "Mistress”. He will try to anticipate Xena’s mood, however she will also tell him what she wants.

Xena can also trigger two modes:

• Slave Mode (triggered by any command to silence), when Giles acts as a semi-mute slave, attending on her until dismissed. This mode normally continues until Xena orders him back to normal, or until she falls asleep. However, she can specify a duration of hours or days.
• Sabbatical Mode, when Giles is subject to more intense management, e.g. during spring cleaning. This typically lasts several days. During this time, Giles's social activities are suspended and Orgasm Days deferred, but penalties still accrue (see below). 

Power and Responsibility

Xena will suit herself, with
no obligation to be fair or realistic.
Discover the core of Femdom in your relationship!

Xena will suit herself, with no obligation to be fair or realistic. Sometimes she will do things for Giles's own good. Giles will obey to the best of his ability, using his initiative to provide help and advice as appropriate. In return, Xena will take ownership of the FLR, give clear instruction and administer discipline regularly.

Giles will continue to honestly stick to the chastity rules. Xena will periodically question him about his compliance, typically before punishment.

When he has measurable professional (e.g. word count) or personal objectives (e.g. weight loss), Giles will report these to negotiate targets and penalties.

Xena may set long-term targets or tasks.

In addition to the demerit system, near the start of each month, Xena will hold a brief review, dealing with any issues in Giles's performance, checking up on his chastity, tasks and targets, and rewarding and/or punishing him accordingly. Giles will remind her.

Bedtime Ritual

He will kneel patiently
in the corner..
This could be you!

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, clean-shaven, chaste, and ready for bed. He will kneel patiently in the corner until Xena orders him otherwise, returning there between tasks.

If Xena falls asleep while Giles is kneeling, he may come to bed after a decent interval, unless erotic activity or punishment has taken place, in which case he may change position but must otherwise remain in the corner to sleep, unless it is too cold.

Domestic Matters

Giles will do the... housekeeping.
Find out how to do this for real.

Giles will do the bulk of the housekeeping to as high a standard as possible, consistent with professional commitments.

In particular, Giles will finish those jobs he starts, maintain the bathrooms to a visitor-ready standard and keep the refrigerator etc stocked.

Giles is responsible for maintenance of all sex toys.

Discipline, Punishment and Rewards

Xena may discipline Giles
as she sees fit.
Wouldn't you like a slice of this?

Xena may discipline Giles as she sees fit, consistent with the spirit of the mistress-slave relationship.

Xena may assign demerits for any reason and later apply one stroke per demerit. The whipping will be merciless; it will hurt and be a genuine deterrent. Giles will usually be restrained for this. There is no safeword. However, Xena will take seriously any safety feedback.

We will both treat the discipline system as real. Xena will administer whippings as regularly as practical. Giles may remind her.

Xena may also grant Slave Points. These do not cancel out demerits. However, Giles may petition to trade these for perks, for example Xena wearing stockings during punishment.

Xena may also:

• Defer Orgasm Days pending completion of a specific project to her satisfaction. Penalties still accrue during this time. 
• Institute "lockdown" where Giles maximizes time spent chaste and does not remove the device for his Orgasm Days.

Intimate Matters and Orgasm Control

Giles must wear a chastity device.
Find out how to share my fate!

Giles may not initiate erotic intimacy, but may remind Xena to set aside intimate time.

Xena has control over Giles’s orgasms but will not normally be present when they happen.

Giles must wear a chastity device when on his own and at night. If the chastity device breaks, he will wear the backup in lockdown (see above) to avoid wearing it out, until a replacement is arranged.

Unfortunately, things that sexually excite Giles defer his orgasm by days or weeks (see below). This ensures that the chastity is in sync with the intensity of the erotic relationship. Xena likes this system, but Giles is responsible for managing it.

Giles's Orgasm Days

By default, Giles has an Orgasm Day on Xena's) first working day of the week. This is usually the only time he may masturbate and he is permitted to remove his device for this.

Working days do not include weekends or holidays. With Xena's permission, unused Orgasm Days shift to the next available working day.

Orgasm Days and Penalties

Each of Xena’s orgasms sets back the next Orgasm Day.

Each of Xena’s orgasms sets back Giles's next Orgasm Day. The penalties are in working days per orgasm Mon-Fri penalty in brackets) :

• She masturbates with him out of the room – 0.5 day (1 day).
• She masturbates while he kneels or otherwise in the room – 1 day (2 days)
• She masturbates while he watches with a clear view – 2 days (4 days)
• He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (6 days)
• He brings her to orgasm using a strap-on dildo – 4 days (8 days).
• He brings her to orgasm through PIV - 5 days (10 days).

Other circumstances in which penalties can be earned:

• If Giles applies emotional pressure in response to Xena's orgasm choices, - 5 days (10 days) plus 40 demerits. This does not preclude him whimpering briefly as an erotic response, for which she can apply demerits.
• On Xena's whim.
• As the price of being involved in some erotic act. 

Orgasms with Xena

During erotic time, Giles remains chaste except for the unlikely event of PIV sex. Xena may grant Giles a chaste orgasm as long as she is supervising, i.e. at minimum holding his leash chain. She can curtail his efforts on whim.

The penalties go up in weeks (i.e. 5 days) and are as follows:

• Solo by self-penetration (if he can do it), no penalty. 
• Solo by vibrator, 1 week. 
• Orgasm administered or devised by Xena, 1 - 5 weeks (Giles may hold back). 
• Spontaneous or unlicensed ejaculation, 5 weeks plus 40 demerits. 

If it amuses her, Xena may set up beatings using butt plugs and other devices to encourage an unlicensed ejaculation. Giles will advise honestly on this.

Start getting some Female-focused Femdom in your life right now!

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

My year of chastity and orgasm control

Mostly, that means the Holy Trainer 2...
It's easier than you think to ask for chastity.

I've now worn a chastity device regularly for over a year! Mostly, that means the Holy Trainer 2 and wearing every night and most days. At present, Xena permits me a weekly orgasm, though her orgasms defer mine. However, it all started with a marathon 152 days of no orgasm! (Here's my report after 113 days of chastity).

Physically, the main effect is that my balls ache when I'm not wearing my chastity device.

I'm told this is quite common. It can't be to do with unspent semen, because this happens even after I've had an orgasm. And it can't be to do with bruising, because it goes away as soon as the device goes on.

The chastity marathon was surprisingly easy after the first few weeks.
Find out how your life could be like this!

My best guess is that the base ring slightly restricts the blood flow to the testes. Your body either gets used to it, or compensates by increasing the pressure. Without the base ring you then get more pressure than you are used to, and it feels like bruising.

The easiest response is to remove the device less often, meaning that male chastity devices are physically addictive -- quite a turn on!

The chastity marathon was surprisingly easy after the first few weeks. The weekly orgasm routine, however, has me feeling horny and on edge on Sunday night. If my orgasm is deferred -- like this week -- then my body really feels the need.

 ...some of our adventures have been
 positively pornographic
Find out how to add some Femdom to your relationship!

Mentally... well I've gotten used to this thing as a fixture.

I don't have much desire to unlock, and pullout is just not in my lexicon of behavior. I rather like the waves of pent up lust, and -- since my satisfaction is out of the picture -- any sensual interaction with Xena is an immense turn on. Just massaging her feet and legs every night is compensation for not being able to masturbate or have sex.

Sex is still off the cards. However, we were pretty much in a dead bedroom, with penis in vagina action being more of a gift from her than anything else, leaving me feeling slightly disappointed each time. I don't miss that disappointment, and missing the feel of my wife's vagina is -- in a masochistic way -- a turn on. Meanwhile, some of our adventures have been positively pornographic -- a fair trade, I think.

Emotionally, I am happier. I'm sure this is partly because orgasm rationing does odd things to the hormones and brain chemistry! Wearing the device also makes me feel like myself, but I want to talk about a year of being in a Female Led Relationship in another blog entry.

Relationship-wise, as I said, the device underpins our FLR. However there's an interesting vanilla effect. I used to use my intense BDSM masturbation fantasies to escape the issues in my life, and in imagining other relationships and other lives, I was perhaps slowly disengaging emotionally both from Xena and the real world. The odd healing thing, then, about wearing a chastity device is that it's shifted my focus back to my marriage. This is one of those experiences which makes me suspect that male chastity will go mainstream one day.

Would I recommend this to somebody else? I don't know. It's something you have to not just want, fantasize over, but need. It has to feel right, more right than the alternative.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.