Waking in chastity

There is something wonderfully sensual and satisfying about waking in chastity.

The problem with Vanilla Subs

A dominant mate of mine was told by his vanilla ex - "Thank god I don't have to do any of that nasty stuff again."

Privately, he reckoned this was rubbish. “Orgasms don’t lie,” he said.

As a sub myself, I think it’s more complicated.

Even though it’s consensual, D&S simulates evil and feels real to the primitive parts of the brain. (Yes, I know there’s also fluffy stuff in there about trust and intimacy.)

This simulated evil is at least half the fun. However, it creates problems with vanilla people who haven’t had the years to work it through.

Bad for a vanilla dom to whom it simply *feels* morally wrong. Worse for the vanilla sub.

The vanilla sub experiences the simulated evil direct and unmediated… the violation of will and body, the humbling and humiliation, the forced intimacy…

…and they get off on it.

This is a supremely dark place to be and one that challenges a person’s very identity, especially if they’ve had to fight for self determination in this big mean world of ours.

I think the best approach is to be very careful how you “frame” the D/S part of your relationship.

Are you all D/S is darkly romantic, authentic, significant?

Perhaps it would be better to cushion your sub by treating it as just a bit of fun: no big thing, just make believe or an erotic sport. Joke that you do most of the actual work and she gets most of the orgasms.

Most of all, in the immediate aftermath of your sessions, get back to normal as quick as possible!

Vanilla Dominatrix 2nd Ed on the way

Leaner, easier, reformatted for Kindle etc. Send me your old edition and I'll send you the new one. :)

Got a 5-star Review on Amazon

Awesome! "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" got a 5-star review on Amazon!

I have just finished reading Giles English's latest book, The Roman Dominatrix. It was wonderful. A lot of our discussions in the femdom blog world have been about women who are having a hard time reconciling being dominant with being a nice girl.

They feel pressured by their partners as well as the BDSM community to be more kinky, to be more into BDSM, when they are really just basically vanilla. That scares a lot of women off.

The book, The Roman Dominatrix gives me a different point of view, and a workable method for being a vanilla domme, and yet keep a happy sub. The AVE method is spelled out, easy to follow and fun for both partners. I recommend this book very highly for new and questioning dominants. 

I'm more relieved than pleased - I've had quite a few sales, but such is the nature of erotic publishing that people don't usually check back to write a review. I want this book out there putting right the relationship damage that mostly male subs inflict.

How to be a Roman Dominatrix published!

My new femdom how-to guide is now available on Kindle! It's for adventurous female readers who want to dominate their man, but are "vanilla", meaning not naturally kinky.

As you might imagine from the title, it's based on the (very hot) idea that Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned male slaves for pleasure!

What Roman slavery can teach  us about enjoying modern Femdom

Why the obsession with Ancient Roman slave owners?

This -

 

Yes,  a Roman lady... enjoying her slave. 

Authentic slavery means kink for him, vanilla for her

From her point of view, nothing kinky is going on. She's just enjoying  a quick licking the way a modern woman might take out her vibrator. 

From his point of view... well, it ticks many of the Femdom boxes: Oral Service, Male Nude Female Clothed, Humiliation, Objectification, Denial, Teasing (accidental) and, if he's wearing a theca, Male Chastity! If she's feeling playful, then there will be other kinks as well.

Roman-style slavery just works!

This asymmetry is a revelation! What if, instead of trying to tune in to her submissive husband or boyfriend's fantasies, the modern vanilla dominatrix simply treated him as an authentic slave?

Sure, it wouldn't deliver everything he'd spent years imagining, but it would give him a dose of 100% authentic slavery - no guilt, no second guessing, just service and suffering. 

Better yet, she'd know exactly what to do with her slave, because she'd be entirely suiting herself and relying on the situation to generate the kink for him.

And that's what my book "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" is about.

Teasing and Denial or just Denial?

A recent discussion on Fetlife got me thinking about the dangers of confusing the Femdom menu with the set meal.

In this case, the topic was Teasing and Denial - she takes you to the edge and enjoys not letting you have an orgasm.


T&D is standard fetish-fare, and if you wander around blogger, you'll find plenty of blogs in which middle aged husbands recount their attempts to pester their wives into it.

It's not Femdom if you manipulate her into doing it!

The truth is that this is a particular sort of pastime enjoyed by particular kinds of women. It requires skill, energy and most of all the will to do it. 

Some women just don't "get" teasing and denial, so on what planet is it Femdom to pester them into it?

Be honest and call it "service topping", or just a sex game. The classic Joy of Sex has a whole section on "slow masturbation". Try that.

What does Teasing have to offer her anyway?

Taken on its own, Teasing just an extension of flirting and offers women the same pleasures in more extreme form (whatever those are). Not all women enjoy flirting, so not all women enjoy teasing.

Moreover, she doesn’t have to tease in order to get the benefits of denying you.

What does Denial have to offer her?

Denial is more complex. 

It can simply be a default – she gets to enjoy your services without any obligation; what penis? 

It can also be a sadistic act on her part, especially if coupled with Teasing.

Of course, if you are trapped in a state of denial, then much of what she does will feel like teasing.

 

The snag is that it can be quite psychologically hard for her to go through with denial, especially when her brain is awash with post-orgasm happy chemicals.

 * * *

As always, go with whatever she feels drawn to and ditch the rest. If you particularly “enjoy” denial then get a chastity device and put the key out of reach during sessions.

For more advice like this, see my Femdom manual.

Why she won't admit to enjoying Femdom even if she does

Can she face herself?

So, you've introduced Femdom to your relationship. It's probably not as theatrical as you'd like, but your wife or girlfriend seems to go along with it quite happily. Perhaps she teases and torments you with gusto, or has no qualms lying back and being served and serviced. She's certainly getting her rocks off.

But you still feel tense about the whole thing, as if one wrong word and the Femdom will go away.

If only she'd admit to enjoying Femdom! Or better yet ask for it! Then you could relax.

There's a good chance she won't anytime soon.

The position of a Vanilla Dominatrix is far more complicated than that of a subbish partner.


Morally, domming feels wrong. Nice people don't exploit, tease, humiliate or hurt their lovers, or anybody else. It takes a while to come to terms with being a little bit evil, and then to feel safe in admitting that to a partner. Perhaps she feels guilty because your kink doesn't turn her on, but all the things it provides does.


She may also want to control the descent into kink. Becoming openly enthusiastic might trigger more demands from you that she'll enjoy less. What else do you have lurking in the toy box?


Finally... well... there's the possibility that she enjoys you in a chastity belt more than without, and doesn't want to tell you this in case it hurts your feelings.

I know that BDSM culture has a strong emphasis on communication. However, that's between players who are already  comfortable with their roles. In this case, wait and see.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

For more advice on getting your wife or girlfriend to dominate you, take a look at my Femdom guide, now available for Nook.