Monday, 22 December 2014

Would you be a Roman sex slave for real? Are you THAT person?

A month as her real slave?
From time to time I like to ask people:
If Dr Who appeared and offered to set you up for a month of erotic slavery in the Ancient Roman Empire, safety assured, hard limits respected by your owner's tastes, some of your kinks happen,  would you do it?
The point being that your mistress (or master, but I'll stick to Femdom here) would actually own you, think that was morally OK, and would have no idea that something kinky was going on. For example, you might stand around waiting on her while she chatted to a friend. You'd experience objectification, she'd just find it handy to have her wine pourer standing by. If she had you go down on her then sent you off without a word, you'd experience teasing and denial, she'd have just had a nice slave-assisted wank.

The responses I get range from the "OMG NO!" to the "Can I go right now and can it be for two months instead?"

 I'd be happy slaving for a month.. 
I think several things are going on here.

Obviously, people have different levels of need for kink. I'd be happy slaving for a month, perhaps you prefer an evening once a month. There's also the question of how real to you like your dynamic. I'm happy to be a slave. You may like the dynamic to be a shared illusion, or prefer not to reference it at all.

I think, though, that the main issue is how subs square their self image with the business of submitting. That's what I want to talk about here.

On the face of it, it's odd that subs bother with kink at all. There are so many vanilla ways to submit!

If you're male you can experience the dynamic by just dating a woman with... ahem... boundary issues. If you're female you can even get the sex as well, and become "a mere fuck toy" .

Why don't we?

Well, take the case of a feminist lady sub who was the sex slave of a "red pill" man. She knew he knew that she knew that he was just using her submission to get lots of sex. Even though this got her off, she didn't feel good about it.

Though people talk about respect, I don't think it's directly to do with that (except when we mean "respect for safety and limits", a given for this kind of activity). A lot of subs want to be disrespected during play, and a lot of  BDSM is cheerfully anonymous... people playing at clubs or during hookups.. meaning that respect for the sub outside their role can often be only theoretical; The woman I'm flogging has a life outside this.

Instead I think it's to do with not wanting to be that person. As long as you're only playing at submission, it's not real. However, if you're being genuinely used and exploited, if your partner feels only an amused contempt for your submission, then you really are a slave, and worse, a voluntary one. You've become that person.

The problem with not wanting to be that person is that you already are that person.

No matter how much we wrap it in communication and consent, the primal part of our brains really can't tell the difference between pretending to submit and submitting for real. Yes, we need a particular context -- to feel safe on lots of levels -- before we can let go, but it is a letting go and not a stepping into that happens when we submit.

I think this uncomfortable knowledge us the reason why subs spend a lot of energy resisting being who we are anyway.

I am happy to be that person if that's not all I am.
I prefer a different approach. I am happy to embrace being a submissive as long as I can also be other people as well; a practitioner of my profession, a sportsman, a good friend, and a loving husband and so on.

This has the advantage that my submission becomes a kind of armor. I can wallow through uncomfortable, painful and humiliating experiences and come out grinning and dripping semen.

So (ignoring the fidelity issues) I would cheerfully do that tour as a Roman slave. I am happy to be that person if that's not all I am.

And that lady slaving to the Red Pill Master? I think she should enjoy it for what it is. The main issue is not that she's having sex with somebody who doesn't respect her, but that she can't build a long lasting  relationship with the man.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her


  1. Terrific and enlightening book. Quick question though: How does extended chastity work in Rome? If what happens in Rome stays in Rome, then shouldn't chastity also end at the boundaries? If it doesn't then how do you avoid the traps the ruin the whole experience for the Vanilla Domina?

    1. Thanks! Which of the two books?

      > How does extended chastity work in Rome?

      It doesn't. At that point you are crossing over into having elements of a female led relationship. I'm planning to add a chapter at some point to cover this.

    2. Ha. There I go again. So what happens in Rome stays in Rome.

      I bought both books. Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix was good, pointed out a lot of things I did wrong early in our relationship. However, The Roman Dominatrix is amazing. Creating that firewall and the psychological aspects of getting her to feel comfortable in the role were especially helpful. Looking forward to seeing how it all works out. Thank you!

    3. Thanks!

      Please consider putting a review up on Goodreads or Amazon, or at least sharing the link when the topic comes up on forums.

      Regarding extended chastity -- this deserves a blog post. Watch this space.

    4. Will do. Looking forward to it!

  2. Quick update. I bought your books in early march and gave her the Roman Dominatrix with a simple request to read it at her leisure, no pressure. I also informed her that I would no longer taking care of myself on my own, but that I would only seek pleasure in her company. No chastity, no kink, just a simple pledge from a husband to a wife. She was very supportive, however she didn't read your book. A week went by, I was beside myself with want. I felt like a horny teenager again. We had amazing sex for the first time in years. I kept all my fantasies/kinks/request to read your book on lock down.

    Two more weeks passed. I remained good to my word. I've never gone that long in my life. I didn't bring up the book. I kind of felt like I was being tested. Like she was waiting for me to get moody, pushy or overly demanding. I stayed true and dealt with it as you describe a Servus should. Then Saturday morning she reveals to me that she's been doing some reading. Needless to say my heart skipped a beat. Light teasing ensued and she started teasing me/flirting with me throughout the day. After amazing sex again the following morning she remarked that I may be in big trouble. (Still no formal trip to Rome).

    Throughout this past week she's been on a tear. She's starting to come into her own. Touching me, teasing me throughout the day and evenings. I still kept all my past issues/kinks/etc in check.

    Then last night the dam broke. This woman who I love turned into a force of nature. I've never seen anything like it. None of my wildest fantasies hold up to what that woman had me do/did to me. I can only describe it as something akin to the "Darling Nikki" song. It still wasn't a formalized trip to Rome. She informs me that it's coming and that I should be wary because I've created a monster. Frankly I am a little nervous after last night. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Thank you!

    PS You don't charge enough for that book :)

    1. Thanks! You made my day!
      Is there any chance you could post that review somewhere - goodreads, perhaps? Or amazon?

    2. Absolutely! Do you have a preference?

      I have to add that your discussion of the Servus and the mind frame required is what really hit home for me and I think what ultimately did it for her as I put it in practice. Once she realized that she could be completely self indulgent it was like setting off a powder keg.

      What was really interesting to me is that while I considered myself the kinky one, it turns out I completely misjudged her. It wasn't that she didn't have kinks, she didn't like all the bs fetish fantasy that typically comes with the male fantasy. She also didn't think it was safe to share her kinks (I've made a lot of mistakes in our marriage).

      She revealed all sorts of exciting things she plans to do to me that had knees buckling. After last night, she woke me up by stroking me and having me take care of her again! AND she says be prepared for another rough night. :)

      Alarm bells are going off in my head. Is this too fast? I don't want to ruin it, after all we still haven't even made it to Roma, but then again, I don't want to try to exert any control and consequently ruin as well. I think the answer is, as I've answered every question to myself along this journey is "What would a Servus do?"

      I am forever in your debt!

    3. Amazon if you can. Otherwise goodreads. Oh, and telling people on forums when the topic comes up.
      Don't go overboard on the review. Just paste in some of the wonderful comments you've made!

      As for going too fast -- the only thing I'd worry about is that she may feel pressured to keep up the pace. You might want to suggest some quiet non-sexual service...

  3. I'm pretty sure I just ruined it. She still hadn't read the book and was getting really pushy in ways that I wasn't prepared to go. Sure I have service as a fantasy and I thought Roma was the perfect solution. A way to escape to a fantasy. However, FLR is not something I'm prepared to do.

    I kept it all to myself, but I started feeling hurt that it's been a month and she still couldn't be bothered to read your book. No offense, but it's a pretty easy read. She noticed and pressed to know what was wrong. I tried to delicately explain that I was hurt she hadn't bothered to read the book. She accused me of topping from the bottom and ruining it again. I disagree, I feel like it's a mutual respect issue.

    Add on top of that I'm feeling pretty moody due fact that I'm being good and only having pleasure in her presence (days 4 and 5 seem to be tough). I'm starting to really doubt the long term efficacy of this whole thing.

    1. How frustrating and distressing for you! It is a hard thing when your escapist fantasy no longer becomes somewhere you escape to. I've also experienced this.

      I'm afraid early on, the Roman Dominatrix book tells the lady reader that if her husband is making her read the book, to direct him to the Vanilla Dominatrix book!

      Some women - probably true of men as well - just won't read any kind of relationship how-to book. Most of them, though, are amenable to tailored suggestions. Has that train left?

      The way you describe it, she has a definite taste for Femdom. I doubt that will go away. I think - from what little you've told me - that you should probably have a proper conversation with her in calm circumstances.

      You could approach the FLR-tendencies she's shown by trying to establish some boundaries in terms of spheres and/or time, e.g. she's in charge in the bedroom or at the weekend, or for a week.

      Also, I'm embarrassed that there's something that I should have picked up on from your earlier postings: you did rather jump into something very FLRish:

      > I also informed her that I would no longer taking care of myself on my own, but that I would only seek pleasure in her company.

      I think that was a noble and romantic thing to do, and not necessarily a bad thing - I'm sitting here typing this wearing a chastity device! - but it wasn't very firewalled and it also potentially puts pressure on her to deliver your orgasms.

      Could you agree a rationing system for you? You'll have seen the one in our FLR contract. Something like that but simpler.

      Talk to her. It's worth getting through this!


      PS I am overjoyed my book is an easy read. Some deep thoughts went into it, and I was desperate to make it accessible.

      PPS Last thought - this kind of thing is a long game. Stick to it.

  4. Review posted on Amazon. Cleaned up of course!

    So I took your advice. Talked it over with her, played the long game and it's paid off. She's been awesome and playful, really coming into her own. I've been really good with my promise to her and she's told me it's brought the passion back. Which in turn seems to have lit her furnace. I'm down to 10% of the orgasms I've had previously, while hers are way up.

    In the last couple weeks my "vanilla" wife revealed kinks to me that made me blush. I had no idea! She's planning a weekend away from the kids for us to explore Rome. It may not be the Rome you write about, but it definitely sounds like it's going to be one of those "be careful what you wish for" type of scenarios. I can't wait!

    Thanks again for the solid advice!

    1. The Rome I wrote about is whatever Rome you end up in - that's the idea.
      I'm so very pleased things worked out. Well done!

      (I plan to use your comments for a case study post, so please let me know if you'd prefer I didn't...)

    2. LOL. I guess I should keep that in mind. I tend to be kind of literal.

      No problem. Use whatever you like!


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