Sub Panic (like Sub Frenzy, but different): a charitable explanation for Pushy Subs and Topping from the Bottom

 ...we don't usually go about getting
our BDSM kicks without the
trappings of power exchange

I think BDSM is all about the dynamic.

One person dominates, one submits and we like it that way.

My evidence for this is the observation that most kinksters are happy to expand their range beyond specific fantasies as long as they get similar buttons pushed.

For example, when I was a youth, all I wanted was to be tied up and used. Now I'm as happy - happier - to be chaste and ordered around instead. I still have no control over my genitals, I still give pleasure, I'm still used.

(I know that there are nice physical sensations to be had from BDSM. However, we don't usually go about getting our BDSM kicks without the trappings of power exchange.)

So BDSM has to be primarily about the dynamic: D/s,

For submissives, this is a big problem.

We have this burning urge to surrender autonomy to a hypothetical stranger or to an unexplored aspect of our partner. Deep down, we know that once we start on this path there's no going back. We fear that the darkness will consume us.

The natural response is to cling onto control, to go, Dominate me but make me wear this and you must do that and then you have to say this thing and I'll do that other thing but you won't make me do that thing and...

In other words to be a "Pushy Sub" and to "Top from the Bottom".  Yes, sometimes the sub is really just trying to turn their partner into an automaton. And, yes, there are a lot of supposedly submissive men out there with a sense of entitlement and a "do me" attitude.

However, some of these Pushy Subs are just scared,

I think of this as the reverse of Sub Frenzy, so I call it "Sub Panic". The cure is to let go and explore while relying on safewords as a safety net, and to trust that we will still be the same person in the morning, only more fulfilled.

(I also suspect there's a Dom Panic as well; Look it must be OK because I got consent and here's our agreed script and I've memorised where and how I could strike him and I check in between each stroke and he can use traffic light words and now I'm doing aftercare with tea and biscuits so I must be a nice person...)

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Second Custom Chastity prototype video arrives

Still from video of prototype
chastity cage. I can't wait to try
the real thing.

The new Custom Chastity prototype is on its way!  (Take a look at my review of the last prototype.)

In the mean time Lady Fox has sent me a video of what it looks like. (behind the cut in case you're on mobile.)

As you can see, this new one has considerably less headroom than the last one. Lady Fox says she usually gets things right first time. The issue is that my crown isn't particularly pronounced when hard, so we're doing another round of design.

It's the first time I've ever sent dick pics to anybody. But Lady Fox is matter-of-fact and professional in her communications. It's not much different from dealing with a doctor or surgeon. It also helps we're not every in the same room (or continent).

It's not the fastest process, and the season is slowing things up. However, if I were paying for this, I'd be more than happy since I'm guaranteed to get something that really fits at the end of it all. I'm essentially buying a semi-permanent body extension -- it's worth treating that process with respect.

What I sent to Lady Fox. Red line
shows roughly where it needs to be
tighter.

Oh, and - by the way - the whole device is not as short as it looks!

The cage and ring don't overlap so you have to add gap and ring thickness. I'm not that tiny, honest...

That lack of overlap looks like a flashback to the 2000s. However it has major advantages because any sort of rear projection or beak creates leverage when you move around.

Up to this point I took it for granted. Shifts in position could displace my dick. However, I discovered that the last prototype remained snug and in position even when I went on my hands and knees.

I'm now looking forward to trying less headroom. With my other devices, when particularly flaccid, my dick would heave my head up to nudge the top of the headroom. Then when I got hard, get awkwardly stuck.

So, take a look at the video behind the cut:

What to do when your submissive won't communicate

"You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to
me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs are great for throwing up their hands, dropping to their knees and crying, "You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs do this whether they are inexperienced submissive husbands or wives having their first BDSM adventures, or veterans of clubs and munches.

There are lots of possible reasons why they might not want to talk about their BDSM desires and needs.

They may be inexperienced and want to explore without preconceptions. They may be shy or have difficulty owning their kink.

Most of all, they may be more interested in  the dynamic than specific fantasies and genuinely want to submit to you, not some canned experience they got off the Internet - there is a voyeuristic element to this.

However, this leaves you - the dominant - feeling awkward and exposed.

this leaves you - the dominant -
feeling awkward and exposed

And it goes against much of what modern BDSM culture stands for, namely communication leading to informed consent.

Yes, you could lay down the law, but it's not always wise or desirable.

If your sub is your life partner, them so much as asking for kink may seem like a huge step and you want to help them move forward, not lecture them back into the closet.

Or your wannabe sub may be really really hot, or somebody with whom you really want a relationship.

Is it possible to proceed without driving them off with a bad experience or, worse, being a consent-violating monster?

Yes.

Just as we submissives protect our dignity by pretending we are sensation-seeking hedonistic bottoms, you dominants often protect your sense of being a Good Person by leaning heavily on being a service top; "Yes it looks evil, but it's a pre-negotiated scene and look at my rope tying skills and listen to my sub's loud orgasm."

However, subs are grown ups and BDSM is like a sport - the experience is always going to variable; sometimes your team loses. It's not a disaster if we have a bad time, or if things aren't perfect. When we give sweeping the consent, we benefit from an intense the sense of surrender, and accept that sometimes we'll be bored or uncomfortable or disappointed... that itself can be a turn on because it rubs our noses in our own powerlessness.

So if your sub just wants you to be in charge, there's a good chance that's what they'll actually enjoy.

And if they don't? Too bad for them

...there's bound to be some crazy
stuff they haven't considered
that would be a hard limit

You don't actually need service topping as a justification, just consent.  Of course, your uncommunicative sub has already given you that - so the real issue is informed consent.

For all they may say "do what you want" and "no limits" (and really they should at least discuss limits), there's bound to be some crazy stuff they haven't considered that would be a hard limit if they had, and there's always the worry that some of what you like will overlap with that.

There is, I think, a simple way around this:

First set your own ground rules...

• Tell them broadly the kind of thing they are letting themselves in for: e.g. there will be service and beatings and you may not get an orgasm.
• Tell them the attitude you expect them to adopt: e.g. obedient, OK to resist, bratty... it's up to you.
• Tell them an easy-to-remember safe word they can use only for safety (physical and mental - if they are freaking out, then they need to safe word).

Next, take charge...  

• Do and get the things you enjoy. It's OK if these are mainly vanilla services, this is for you not them. That's the deal. Avoid any complex set piece scenes, unless that's what you want to do for yourself.
• Get informed consent by announcing new things ahead of time, but in role. So, for example, don't just ram a dildo into your sub's ass. Instead, wave it in their face, gloat over what you're going to do, give them plenty of opportunity for the safe word.
• Don't do anything intense during the first session. If they have an intense emotional reaction you are uncomfortable with, rather leaping to check in, dial down the activity. Later, during in after care ask them whether they want to take that further next time or avoid it.
• Insist on mutual after care. You need as much validation as your sub does! However, avoid a detailed debrief.

 the power exchange will come to feel real
- which is what at least some of us want... 

Then, repeat over the following weeks, gradually increasing the intensity. 

• Remain focused on your own pleasure - that's still the deal.
• Trust your sub to use their safe word and try not to second guess them. However, don't be afraid to check in if they suddenly behave abnormally compared to previous sessions. (Consent doesn't completely let you off the hook morally.)

The downsides are that this is slower than just negotiating your power exchange, and that you will bump against limits which will be both irritating and embarrassing.

However, within those emerging limits, you will be genuinely in charge and the power exchange will come to feel real - which is what at least some of us want...

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Review of Custom Chastity prototype male device (with pictures of me wearing it!)

It is just the prototype, but I can do naked star jumps in it!

I can also shower in it, work in it, run in it, and sleep in it. And I can crawl, squat, roll over...

Whatever I'm doing, this male chastity device remains welded to my groin in a way that I didn't really think that was possible.

With other devices I've experienced, there's always a bit of shifting around either because they are too heavy - like the metal Chinese device - or because the tube projects behind the base ring causing a lever effect. If Xena - my wife and domme, for those who have just tuned in! - has me on all fours then I usually need to do some tugging and prodding to make my chastity device sit right.

Not so with this one from Custom Chastity. It's not just the design, it's the eggshell finish - it's not rough, but it clings to what it touches.

Yes, just after I hit Publish on my last post (about my custom design), the doorbell rang. Now I'm sitting wearing the disposable prototype and an actual surgical nylon base ring - one of three - so I can see the quality of the final product.

Here's my observations so far, including dick pics of me wearing it - hence the cut because one or two RL friends read this blog and not everybody wants to see my manparts anyway:

My custom chastity tube design from Custom Chastity

I waiting for the prototype to arrive from Custom Chastity. I'm nervous about the design, so it's probably a good thing they're sending me a dummy version!

Here's the side view (you can see the video in my previous post):

It's a shower-friendly cage but with lovely comfortable flat bars.

It looks painfully short compared to the smaller HT2! However that one is at least 5mm too long for me, and this one doesn't overlap the base ring. So this should be a precise and snug fit - something I've never really experienced.

My dick should lie naturally, bent over and tucked into the end. The bulge is for my crown when I'm hard, but will my dick float up into it when soft? If it does, I should be able to prod it back into place through the bars. We'll see...

Now, here's the front view:

Yes, a nice big peeing slot! It's much more tucked under than on the HT2 but I'm expecting the slot to be long enough that I can see my slit and check it's aligned. Out and about, spraying all over your trousers is not an option. 

Finally, here we have it from the back view.

The devices for bigger cocks have a nice oval entrance. Even so, to chastity fetishist, this is an enticing sight, a lovely smooth ring to welcome you into your erotic prison...

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