A Spat Ends in Discipline: Commitment trumps Consent in a Female Led Relationship

"Wah wah wah! Go cry in the corner!

"Wah wah wah!" mocks Xena, angry. "Go cry in the corner! Go on, kneel facing the corner for five minutes."

We've been having what we Brits call "a row", otherwise "a spat".

I've been feeling neglected because her work has taken first place in the last few months. She hasn't disciplined me for weeks, which takes the adventure out of chores, and also means we haven't really been intimate. This evening it spilled over into me ranting at her, despite still being sealed into my chastity device after over 100 days.

It really is an argument. We're both cross with each other, voices raised.

But I can't disobey her. "Yes, mistress."

Fifty lashes... I'm near
tears by the end of it.

I don't mean I'm afraid to disobey her. It's just not in my lexicon.

I kneel in the corner for five minutes while she finishes her report.

Then she has me tie myself up and she whips me - fifty lashes for the fifty demerits I've racked up. I'm near tears by the end of it.

After that, it's back in the corner and I have to listen to her vibrators buzz, my poor caged cock up throbbing forlornly in its device. After more than 100 days of chastity, this is exquisite torment.

Then she has me rub her feet and we curl up together. My hopeless arousal causes her some delight.

"OK, you really are in charge," I say, aware that things have changed between us.

I have to listen to her vibrators buzz...

"Of course," she responds. "And you need to be more detail-orientated over the house."

"I will if you are too," I say.

"You can rely on that," she says. "Good night. I love you."

And she falls asleep leaving me locked and hard, with a smarting back, both deliciously afraid and contentedly secure.

---

This is the only kind of relationship
she can imagine.

Round about now, the Consent Police turn up:

Where were all the negotiations? 

Where were the check-ins? 

Are my needs being met?

The problem is that BDSM consent culture is designed around couple play, and play dates between equals: temporary power exchanges.

However, in a lifestyle relationship, consent and commitment are hopelessly tangled, and the dynamic takes on a life of its own, evolving to permeate the relationship.

It's been nearly a hundred days since she had me seal myself in my chastity device. It was my idea of a fun adventure, but she's taken it and run with it. I expected to be locked for a couple of months max, now she's talking about unlocking in time for a holiday next August.

Similarly, we've been in an FLR for four years. Again, it was my idea of a way to make chores fun - I'm mostly a house husband - and generate some kink. It was also supposed to be an adventure lasting a few months, renewed by mutual consent. Now she's told me that this is the only kind of relationship she can imagine, and - well you can see above - she wields her power when it suits her, not just in erotic contexts.

 Any discomfort with our lot
pings our masochism.

Consent once given is hard to withdraw, let alone withhold if the dominant pushes the scope.

Most obviously, we subs are initially afraid the kink might go away, then go on to lose perspective. Meanwhile, any discomfort with our lot pings our masochism.

However, there's this other thing: you just cannot unilaterally make fundamental changes to your relationship.

A concept kinksters don't talk about so much: commitment.

Relationships are built on commitments.

The most obvious vanilla example is the commitment to fidelity. You can't just declare your relationship to be open or poly, or that you are going to sleep around.

I'm trapped and I like it.

In an exclusive marriage, your partner doesn't coerce you into fidelity. Rather, fidelity is a component of your relationship. Yes, you can "withdraw consent" for fidelity, but your partner may then reasonably withdraw consent to continue the relationship.

So it is with power exchange in our Female Led Relationship. I'm committed to submitting to Xena, and I can't imagine how our relationship would work without that.

In other words, as long as I love my wife, withdrawing consent to the dynamic is no longer really a relationship option. I'm trapped, and I like it.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! Lulu or iTunes.

100 days of Living with Permanent Chastity

My wife is treating permanent chastity
as an indefinite relationship phase. 

Permanent chastity! This is nuts!

100 days on, I'm still sealed into my chastity device and Xena's talking about no need to unlock me until a flight in August(!).

So, no key, no emergency key.

No way out without messing around with hairdryers or very hot water.

And the worst - best? - of it is that my wife is treating permanent chastity as an indefinite relationship phase.

It's as if we just moved house, she's settled in and this is fine for now. Sure, we'll relocate again, but it's not on the cards right now. And moving house is not something you do on whim, right? She certainly can't be bothered with all the fuss, and she's in charge.

So, I'm not on tenterhooks wondering when she'll release me. Instead, I've just accepted that this is how things will be for a while, which I suppose is the difference between "permanent" and "open ended".

What's it like?

Day to day, the frustration isn't too bad. The balls aren't actually steam boilers. A couple of weeks in and you get as horny as you're going to get, and the frustration is like a little energising motor in your groin.

The frustration during sexy time... that's exquisite. A gorgeous feedback loop between panic and masochism.

Mentally, it's interesting.

On the one hand it confirms me in my submissive role. Locked means submissive, and I'm permanently locked. However, it's also actually healing. I can never pretend to be not submissive, never ignore that part of my identity. Even so, I'm still me.

It's also relaxing. Being irrevocably sealed in with no emergency key, shuts down all those wearing micro decisions, e.g. about whether to really go to a meeting locked. It also washes away any moral qualms - this is who I am.

Emotionally... emotionally it's nice. I've arrived at my logical destination, as low as I can go as a sub, and not only does Xena still want me, she also made this happen.

Because really, she did. Looking back over our entire relationship, especially the FLR, there's a pattern:

Me: Shall we make this temporary and limited kinky change to our relationship?
Xena: Oh god. Are you sure? I suppose so.
Later...
Me: Well that was fun.
Xena: What do you mean was? We're still doing it. Oh and I can't be bothered with these limits.
Me: Yes, mistress.

Originally, she was just looking to lock me up until mid October. I was the one who pushed the seal idea. Then, suddenly everything became open ended.

Careful what you wish for.

The same thing happened four years ago when I suggested trying demerits to real domestic targets, and she propelled us into an FLR, and years before that when we started doing female-focused Femdom, and she established chaste service as our standard dynamic.

So I am feeling utterly validated, totally myself, very frustrated in erotic moments, and as submissive as heck.

What about practical issues?

There aren't any. I can live pretty much as normal in this device other than being more cautious about using public urinals, and being careful not to let people bump my groin.

The it's the diabolical practicality of the Custom Chastity Saint that got me into this mess.

Careful what you wish for!

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

The Truth About "Pathetic Small Dicks that Last Seconds" and Male Chastity?

She likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive

The chastity Internet is full of men with locked micro-dicks: "My wife said my man-clit was useless and might as well be locked away..."

And so on.

Up until this morning, I wrote all that off as wive's feeding their husbands' small penis humiliation fetish, or fantasists doing it for themselves while typing one-handed.

Then I read a thread on Chastity Mansion.

The original poster has a small dick and no staying power. He assumed his wife was using chastity as a kind of workaround: the other stuff was good enough that penis-in-vagina wasn't important.

However, it turned out that she likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive. Also, she likes him coming quickly because she enjoys the erotic power, but doesn't enjoy being pounded for too long - He suspects that his wife used to fake orgasm to get it over with. His wife does enjoys penetration from time to time, but mostly from fingers or small dildos, or a quick go with something much bigger.

And this made me think of our sex life, because that pretty much describes Xena.

 If you have a small penis,
perhaps that means she
might prefer no penis at all...

I don't have a particularly large penis. I do have - did use to have - good staying power, but Xena would generally want me to hurry up and come.

So what if the truth of hair-trigger micro penises in chastity were the other way around?

What if women who don't much like cock tend to pair off with men with small ones? Better yet, ones that don't last too long inside the vagina?

Wouldn't those same women be natural adopters of male chastity, not because his penis is small, because a locked cock is even better than a small penis, which is still an improvement on a large one.

So, if she chooses to be with you knowing that you have a small penis, perhaps that means she might prefer no penis at all...

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)