Background music for the Vanilla Dominatrix

My visits into slavery are warm but dark, like being outside on a Winter's night when you can see the firelight flickering from other people's windows. This music - Moonoght Sonata - hits the nail on the head for me:

Would we ever have it on during a session?

No.

While I'm wallowing in darkness, she's enjoying chilled out "me time".

This  - Mary Black - is more likely to be on the iPod:

That asynchronicity is at the heart of Vanilla Femdom: her mostly "vanilla" choices generate kink for him. If the theme music contrasts, then it's working as it's supposed to.

Better yet, he's on the outside looking in at the warmth. How deliciously dark is that?

Newish chastity device, "Dick Cage"

Over on Fetlife.com, somebody linked to the Dick Cage chastity device.

There are a lot of subtle things about the design that I like the look of. The ball ring is really wide so that the balls sit a long way forward along the shaft. To me that looks like a security improvement compared to the CB range. I still don't believe it's 100% secure, though.

The dirty secret of D/S: It's not all about sex!

(Triggered by an interesting discussion over at Tamara's blog.)

Being a submissive is pretty embarrassing.

If you don't believe me, imagine explaining it to a square friend; "Well, Bill, I like to get off by rubbing against my girlfriend's feet, then I lick the cum from between her toes."

If it would be embarrassing to explain to people in the outside world, since that's our reference point, on some level we're still a little embarrassed by our submissive urges.

We respond by putting a spin on it; "I'm this wild eroticist! I plumb the depths of human sexuality in order to reach new peaks of ecstasy."

Well, maybe.

That doesn't explain why those of us who enjoy giving Service - me included - are happy to spend long periods in role, just doing chores. I don't mean doing chores while  being stalked by a whip-happy mistress, I mean just doing chores, as in getting on and washing and cleaning while she relaxes, with only the distant prospect of punishment.

Yes, I know some subs talk about dripping precum while doing the ironing. However, most of us can't stay physically aroused for hours at a time, and many of us are happy to continue serving after we've had an orgasm.

Of course, thinking about slavery is a turn on. 

Imagine spending a week in a lonely cottage as her chaste slave, doing all the work, pampering her, while she relaxes. If you fail to meet the mark, she gives you a perfunctory whipping - no ritual, no dressing up, just, Kneel! (WHACK!). Every couple of evenings, she enjoys a massage and oral sex. Most of the time, she just turns in after her shower, leaving you to picture her wet naked flesh while you try to sleep on your camp bed in the kitchen, tormented by the throb in your chastity belt. Too bad - you've signed up to be a real slave.

Well, that turns me on at any rate. What would it actually be like?

Sometimes, you'd be  aware of what was happening to you, of your hopeless situation, and your chastity belt would tighten like a vise. Some of the time you'd be bored, but that would remind you of your slavery and you'd get turned on. Most of the time, though, you'd be lost in the routine of quiet service.

Yes,whenever it comes into focus, the fact of our slavery turn us on unbearably. This should be no surprise. But what about the rest of the time? When we're not hard inside our chastity belts?

There has to be something else going on. Two things, I think:.

First, letting go and giving quiet attention to the tasks in hand is profoundly relaxing. Shorn of the whips and chains, it looks suspiciously like a spiritual practice. Apart from the object of our devotion, are we much different from the monks of old?

Second, and more importantly, slavery makes us safe from the dangers of life. We can feel 100% secure because we're told exactly what to do, and the consequences of failure, though painful, are always temporary. A slave never gets rejected or fired, only whipped or chained.

During in the glorious week of slavery that we imagined, you're safe from modern adult life - there's no need to think about career or mortgage, or education loans, or home improvements. You're also safe from the dangers of your relationship - she tells you what she wants and you don't have to guess or second guess, or be empathic; her expecations are limited and explicit.  And, being a slave keeps you safe in the most dangerous place of all - the bedroom...

...and that's why slavery is erotic; slavery keeps us safe from all our fears and anxieties over sex.

However, that "enslaved freedom" applies across the board--which is maybe a bit embarrasing. :)

Why ball-gripper chastity devices can't be secure

I love the idea of a ball-gripping chastity device like the CB2000+ series, but look at this...

Scrotums are stretchy. Flaccid penises are squashy. There's no way on earth a simple ball gripper can be "finger  secure"; you don't need tools to get your penis free.

Does this matter?

It depends what you want from a chastity device. If you're mostly wearing it around your partner, she'll notice if start fighting your way out of it.

Annonymous comments now enabled

Some people have been having trouble commenting, so I've switched off all the ant-spam features. I'll just have to stay on top of the comment threads.

(If you do comment, especially if you have a question or a point to make, I'll always try to answer on the same day.)

Is it worth looking for the origins of a man's Femdom fantasies?

Like semen, fetish has a way of spreading over everything it touches.

Imagine an adolescent male who masturbates over bondage fantasies because he enjoys the sense of peril and the stretched sensation.

The imagination being what it is, he wraps a story around the fantasy to give it some context. Who would tie him up? A "traditional dominatrix"? Gradually he develops a fetish for latex ladies. Or has he been looking at too many Boris illustrations? Now chain mail bikinis are also his turn on.

What else would she make him do? A dungeon-full of props and activities become a turn on. At first they just point to the bondage fantasy. Soon they become fetishes in their own right.

Then, this lust-dripping fantasy world becomes a playground where he can work out his frustrations and issues. Possibly he has no idea how to get laid, let alone what it would be like. Even thinking about the terrifying process of courtship is stressful. How much easier to imagine the girls that he fancies as part of his femdom inner world.

If he's scared of women or ambivalent about his masculinity, then he'll invent scenarios that work around this... she's in charge, he doesn't get to come... The sense of release fuels the fetish. Some young women are easier to imagine as dominatrixes than others. The class bitch will get more than a few walk on roles.

Meanwhile, submission in its own right becomes a fetish, because it points to all this kinky goodness. However, the new fantasies grow from the submission fetish. "True" submission packs a panicky erotic punch and draws him away from fantasies where he is the centre of attention. The original bondage fantasy no longer fits, and quietly fades away. 
 Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?

I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner.

It is, however, useful to be aware that fantasies colonise by association. Any "compromise" Femdom action he and his partner arrive at has a good chance of becoming erotically charged.

For example, suppose she's happy to boss him around, but only if she can wear what she likes; after all, she's supposed to be relaxing. He can have a day as her slave, but she's going to wear her old jogging pants and baggy T-shirt. At first this is a bit of a let down. Then two things happen...

He realises that her casual dress code reflects his total lack of power. She doesn't have to put on a show for him, doesn't have to look good, because she is totally in control. At the same time, he's getting all the slavery he wants, complete with service and (mild) beatings. She only has to put on the jogging pants to make him get hard.

An actual Vanilla Dominatrix reviews of "The Vanilla Dominatrix"

"Kisanji" says:

I am constantly on the look out for info/books that could help would be Vanilla-ish Dommes and/or guys who are hoping to introduce the idea of F/m interactions into their relationships. I've come across a couple of recommendable books, and recently I had the chance to read another recommendable ebook. "The Vanilla Dominatrix" by Giles English. (found at http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/the-vanilla-domin… )
Giles guides the (male) reader through

• observing his girlfriend/wife,
• figuring out her communication and energy modes,
• using that information to figure out windows of opportunities for FemDom activities,
• how to introduce ideas specific to those windows of opportunities,
• and basically, how to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs for her.

While Giles gave plenty of examples and exercises, I would have liked to have seen a more detailed process of what was actually observed in the female's actions that led him to the conclusion of her modes. I would also have liked to see a method for checking that the observations and conclusions actually applied to that particular female, as a way of reducing fantasy and desires influencing the male's observations. Reducing these influences might reduce possible fuck-ups during the observation and figuring out processes. As for myself, having the greater detail in these two first, most important, steps might make it easier for me to figure out my own modes. As is, I feel a bit like I'm floundering in this part.
The steps and processes after that seem easy enough to work out. I love the idea he gives of using those windows of opportunities as a way of getting one's foot in the door. A side-effect of this part is that the female might feel as if her guy has honestly paid attention to her needs, or read her mind. This stems from the guy having actually spent time getting to know her modes, before even bringing up kink. And what kink he does bring up, is specific to her modes and needs. A great cycle.
It's a smallish sized ebook, but it lacks much of the filler content I find in other books, making the 89 pages a decent size. It's written specifically for the guys, though an interested female might make some use of the info. It's price point is a bit high for an impulse buy, but considering what many submissive/kinky males will pay for less useful information, it's an understandable price. However, it might reduce vanilla-ish female dominants from purchasing it in their own searches..but then...again, she's not really the primary target. His blog site has mentioned the idea of writing an ebook for Her, so perhaps she will benefit from what he's learned from making and selling this first book.
There are a few minor grammar errors, mostly those that occur during an editing process where part of one idea or sentence was partially deleted, but a couple of words like 'in' or 'be' got left out. But...since I'm not a grammar nazi, those errors didn't really bother me.

  Yep, it is short. It took a lot of effort to compress all the thoughts into so few words :)

I'd love to add more specific tips on "window spotting", especially the testing and verification process. I'll, hoping eventually I'll be able to gather some examples from readers.