4 predictions for kink in the next 5 years

 "Electronically Enhanced Chastity
and BDSM devices"

Just came across a nice post about the future of kink. Here are my predictions in order of likelihood...

1. Escape proof male chastity cage

This is a no-brainer. There's already one easy short-term security solution using pubic hair. We're seeing new materials emerging all the time. All that's needed is a glue pad that sticks safely to skin. It doesn't have to act as an anchor--the skin too easily shears away--just a tether.

Alternatively, it would be fairly straightforward to equip a chastity device with an electronic detection system that went off when the wearer pulled out. Even a simple pressure sensor would act as a deterrent because even if you could fool it getting out, getting back in would be complicated.

2. Electronically Enhanced Chastity and BDSM devices

We're already seeing this with the somewhat clunky Dreamlover device (which I would buy if i could afford!). As electronics get smaller and easier, we'll see more remote shockers, more semi-automated sub management devices based on things like heart rate monitors and skin sensors.

Specific things I expect in male chastity devices are:

• Anti-pullout alert - see above.
• Orgasm detector - no cheating in your chastity device.
• Arousal detector - allows doms to monitor whether an unsupervised sub is watching porn, for example. 
• Built in time locks - could also be hooked up to an arousal detector like in my book.

2. Chastity devices accepted as marital tools

People will probably never accept drooling kink in the open, but I bet there will be a tacit acceptance of male chastity devices as a way of ensuring fidelity or breaking internet porn habits, or just as a spice. I think this is already happening. This, of course, will mask a whole load of real drooling kink.

(The reason I put this second is that it really does require escape proof devices in order to happen.)

3. Female and Male led marriages will become acceptable

Bedroom details embarrasses people. However, emotional arrangements are easily rationalized or filed away as a fact and then more or less lose their significance. We've seen gay relationships becoming mainstream, we're seeing the slow emergence of polyamory as an acceptable choice.

There's also a new pragmatism about relationships. People understand that long term monogamy is difficult and that there are all sorts of evolutionary psychological undertows. People are also more aware that couples fall into FLR and MLR by default anyway -- we see this happening in the series Suburgatory.

So, though I don't see lifestyle Femdom or Maledom ever becoming mainstream--bedroom details!--I think we will see politically correct and alt circles gradually accept first FLR then, grudgingly. MLR.

4. Chaste accepted as an orientation

Again, in PC circles, we see an obsession with a taxonomy of orientations--not just gay or straight, but a-sexual, poly-sexual and on on. I think there's room for chaste in this lot...

Why not embrace the future and use my books to introduce some Femdom to your relationship..?

Threw out my old DIY chastity belt

I stare at the black plastic cup with its webbing spider legs. "I'm not ever going to wear this again, am I?"

Xena looks up from the box of old postcards she's sorting. "Well, throw it out."

"A cool solution to the locking problem. Eventually
I had a fully adjustable locking chastity belt,
like a hi-tech version of the Victorian ones."

"But it took five years to develop." Five years of small improvements. Polymer clay for the tube, polypropylene webbing for the harness. A cool solution to the locking problem. Eventually I had a fully adjustable locking chastity belt, like a hi-tech version of the Victorian ones.

I was pretty proud of myself. However, any sort of belt is unforgiving on  a middle aged back, and it took too long to get on. My new Chinese chastity cage is takes seconds to lock in place, is much easier to go out and about in. And, if I want secure, then there's my pubic hair chastity security fix.

Earlier I binned my home made fetters. Nice leather things but much much more trouble than the Velcro webbing kit I got from Amazon--which is why the leather acquired mildew.

 She's busy with her task and does not see me
staring at her elegant neck or tracing her figure 

We BDSMers are almost mainstream now. It's almost always cheaper and easier to hit Google for a particular sex toy or piece of bondage equipment than to spend the time gathering craft materials, and more time tinkering.

I glance over a Xena. She's busy with her task and does not see me staring at her elegant neck or tracing her figure through her yoga pants. My cock swells in its cage which I won't be removing for another twelve hours.

I toss the old chastity belt in the rubbish bag, along with the cheap but plugs that fell apart in the dishwasher.

Wristbands

"Perhaps I need three wristbands..." I say.

I'm kneeling at the end of the bed giving Xena her Sunday night foot rub. There's no chance of any erotic action, but I'm locked into my chastity device anyway. It's the end of a weekend sabbatical, in preparation for which I avoided orgasming for a week. Just touching her turns me on and makes me remember the previous night when my services were very much required...

Xena doesn't look up from her tablet. "Guess what?" She reads out some gossip from Facebook and we share a laugh. Then, "What was that about wristbands?"

"Oh," I say. "I was thinking this one doesn't give me much range." I'm wearing  a grey wristband to remind us both of my status, which we jokingly call Compliant Husband. "And that I could do with two more. But now I realize that's silly."

"How so?" asks Xena. "Do the heel.. that's nice."

"Well," I say. "I was thinking I might have a red wristband for when I was chaste but otherwise equal..." I trail off as she laughs. "But I guess we'd never use it."

 "..the previous night when my services
were very much required..."

"Too right," says my wife. It's not  a kinky thing. She genuinely finds the idea amusing. When it comes to kink, it's her way or the highway.

"And perhaps a black wristband for when I was a mute slave," I continue. "But we don't need that either because you can shut me up anytime you want."

Xena nods and goes back to her tablet.

For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

BDSM Culture is not the same as BDSM.

"BDSM Culture ...predicated on 
the assumption that... 
the top or dominant is as 
kinky as the bottom or sub."

Posted on reddit earlier:

BDSM Culture is not the same as BDSM.

BDSM Culture has evolved to make BDSM safe, sane and consensual especially (but not exclusively) between players that are new to each other, e.g. through the BDSM dating scene or at clubs.

"If I am whipped, it is 
because she is cross..." 

It's also predicated on the assumptions that the interactions are essentially benign, and that the top or dominant is as kinky as the bottom or sub. This explains all the jargon and emphasis on communication and aftercare. It especially explains the use of half-way house safe words to indicate things like "too intense".

Outside BDSM culture, subs and bottoms often have vanilla - non kinky - partners. Such partners are usually not interested in embracing the subculture and impatient with anything demanding time or effort with no obvious benefit for them.

The sub has a very poor negotiating position and mostly can only take what he or she is given, and take responsibility for all the practicalities. This can still work on a part-time basis because having a slave is nice even if you aren't kinky, and it is in the nature of power to corrupt.

However, the result is nastier and looks abusive and exploitative. Safewords are reserved for safety, there's minimal communication and negotiation, and good luck with aftercare (unless the dom enjoys giving it).

"If I'm serving, I really 
am serving." 

We, of course, are in the latter category. Though sometimes I get a "treat" like an end of week whipping, the action is always genuine. If I'm serving, I really am serving. If I am denied it's because she isn't interested in making me come. If I am whipped, it is because she is cross, or else she becomes cross during the whipping. In one sense it's bleak as hell. In another it is an amazing privilege to do this mostly 'for real', albeit part time.

For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

How to feel good about being a sexual submissive

"...not much in the vanilla world can
crush and humiliate us any more;
being a submissive makes
you stronger. "

Being a submissive takes getting used to. Not the experience itself, though that takes practice. I mean the fact of being a submissive.

"It's only a game" doesn't get you very far. The role feels way too comfortable to be dismissed so easily. The inescapable truth is that part of you is a submissive, and that doesn't gel with our ideas about adult dignity and self determination. Worse, if you are a man, you may secretly fear that it means that you are a wimp and a loser and if you are woman submitting to a man... well, it goes against the Feminist grain.

The good news is that there are better ways to look at your sexual preference:

1. Submission is a delicious secret identity

Accept that you are a submissive, but refuse to identify with it. Instead it's a separate, secret part of your life. Enjoy that secret; the people around you have no idea what you've done or what you're capable of!

2. Submissives are strong

We submissives do things that would emotionally destroy other people, and we come out the other side flushed and happy. You have to be strong to do that! Better yet, after a while, not much in the vanilla world can crush and humiliate us any more; being a submissive makes you stronger.

3. Submission is a subversive extreme gender sport

"As a male submissive,
you get high rejecting
traditional masculinity."

Submission is about more than just getting off; there's the adrenalin and the endorphins, the excitement and the glow. So it's reasonable to think of it as a kind of extreme sport.

Rather than jumping off bridges with elastic ropes tied around our ankles, we are make patriarchy our plaything.

As a male submissive, you get high rejecting traditional masculinity. As a female submissive you turn traditional femininity into a kink.

That's subversive, isn't it?





For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

Top and also Dominatrix? Why this matters if your partner is vanilla...

Top

I just had an interesting discussion over on Reddit that hinged on the distinction between "Topping" and "Dominating".

Of course definitions are not set in stone, but "Topping" tends to refer to activities that are the BDSM equivalent of lovemaking.

Rather than bringing her partner to the peak of ecstasy through her pelvic muscles and oral technique, the Top renders him a quivering wreck or pleading cum-monkey, depending on her objectives. Just as in love-making, the reactions of the partner - the "Bottom" - shape the actions of the Top. This often-negotiated experience is interactive, a conversation in pain and groans, and is known as a Scene.

Sadist

The Dominant, however, is simply the person in charge in BDSM relationship, whether it be part-time, permanent or a fleeting hook up. The Dominant does not need to top, may never feel like it.

In the real-world BDSM club culture, I doubt this distinction matters because public play is all about Scenes, i.e. Topping and Bottoming.

However, this is a critical distinction where the BDSM is part of an actual Domination and Submission relationship. It just doesn't work if the ostensible sub is really after specific scripted experiences... the "do me sub" who tops from the bottom.

Ice Queen

This distinction is even more critical if your dominatrix (or dom but I'm a male sub) is "vanilla".

If you're read my Getting her to be a vanilla dominatrix,  then you will have encountered my PIRI modes.

They're just a way of mapping the moods of your partner. This is not a manipulative technique so much as a systematic reality check, something male subs seem to need:

Goddess

There's nothing magical about this. People - your partner included - have four possible ways of relating with other people and their environment:

• Interact: Talking, playing, making love. Interacting with the people around her.
• Project: Bossing, managing, creating, expressing, discoursing, lecturing, playing music. Giving a blow job. Projecting herself on the people around her.
• Resonate: Listening, basking in adulation, watching, absorbing. Receiving cunnilingus. Resonating to the people around her.
• Ignore: Getting on with things in her own space. Masturbating. Ignoring the people around her. 

Obviously, different sorts of BDSM activities. Her are some typical BDSM archetypes for each mode:

• Top: Engages with your experience in order to toy with you.
• Sadist: "Forces" an experience on you. (NB most BDSM folk would count a sadist as a kind of top.)
• Goddess: Basks in your adulation. 
• Ice Queen: Gets what she wants. Doesn't care what you think.

Well and good, but think about how her energy levels dictate her PIRI Mode. Everybody is different, and each person has their own prohibitions and injunctions - which is why you need to read my book! - but two typical personality types are are "introvert" and "extrovert".

Here's how Introverts and Extroverts pass through the PIRI Modes as their energy levels diminish - not just in BDSM, but in real life too:

• Extrovert begins in Interact. Paying attention to other people requires effort so as she becomes tired, she drifts into Project and stops listening to other people. Finally, when exhausted, she enters Ignore.
• Introvert also begins in Interact. However, she finds exposing herself to be exhausting, so as she fatigues, she drifts into a passive Resonate, before shutting down in Ignore. 

Ignore Mode

Now we can see the problem with Topping! 

For both Introvert and Extrovert, the interactivity of true Topping is tiring. She has to really want to do it before it's worth the effort. 

Energy wise, it's much easier to - respectively - slip into being worshiped or making the sub suffer in the manner of her choosing, and even easier for both to switch off and enjoy being served in Ignore Mode.

There's more, of course. It's generally easier to persuade somebody to be selfish than cruel. However, even if you can get past self image and moral qualms, in the long run, it will be energy levels that determine what kind of Femdom you enjoy as a couple.

For help in introducing your vanilla wife or girlfriend to Femdom, try my BDSM self-help guides....

Why Communication, Negotiation and Consent aren't that important when submitting to a vanilla dominatrix

 "She doesn't need to do any 
of this kink stuff." 

Communication, Negotiation and Consent are central to the the culture of the BDSM community. They enable relative strangers to play together, and new lovers to form relationships: He likes ropes, she likes using hot wax, how much? How intense? How about...?

That's great, but most of this isn't very relevant when submitting to a vanilla partner.

Sure, you need appropriate communication to get to the point where you can play Domination and Submission, Mistress and Slave, and this includes offering carefully tailored a la carte suggestions of things that might be enjoyable to her; "tie me up, have me serve, make me dress up..."

However, once you are at that point, communication, (apart from regarding safety, of course!) becomes rather redundant because you have the world's worst negotiating position.

If your partner is vanilla, she does not identify as "kinky", and does not get a kick out of the kink itself. She doesn't need to do any of this kink stuff. For example, just the idea of a chastity belt turns me on. For my vanilla wife Xena, the question is; "What's in it for me?"

"Complaining might make the Femdom go away.
Really you have almost no power in this part of
your relationship."

It follows that all you can do is give her anything she wants, the only condition being that she gets it in the context of your submission. For example, I'll serve Xena domestically or erotically, and demand nothing... but only when I am her chaste slave, under realistic discipline.

In effect, the one negotiation that does take place is when you temporarily become her slave in return for her letting you be her slave.

Once that's happened, there's really not much to communicate about except to occasionally... tentatively... suggest things that extend what she's already doing - "You can hit me harder... I found this device online..." Such communication diminishes in importance as she becomes confident in her power and gets to know her way around the Femdom menu.

As for consent... beyond genuine hard limits, it's practically irrelevant.

Suppose you get too bored, too humiliated, or experience too intense a pain? What can you do about it? Complaining might make the Femdom go away. Really you have almost no power in this part of your relationship.

That sounds pretty grim until you consider that your really have no power in this part of your relationship. For all intents and purposes, you really are a slave. I don't know about you, but that turns me on. (Now if only I weren't locked into this male chastity device...)

For help in introducing Femdom to your vanilla relationship, try my self-help guides....