The DickBit, or how a digital device will help male chastity go mainstream

Male chastity has a lot to
offer the mainstream...

Male chastity has a lot to offer the mainstream (article here), but can't really become mainstream until male chastity devices actually work as male chastity devices!

At the moment, unless you have a piercing, the chastity device only really stays on because it creates a self-amplifying submissive feedback loop. You can also easily defeat it using a vibrator.

People have tried lots of different designs, but none of them really prevent pullout while soft. Nor do any of them stop the wearer getting off by using a vibrator.

So we need something different.

How about, instead of prevention, working on deterrence?

Here's where a digital device would fix everything. I've called it the DickBit and I should be very surprised if nobody was working on won. (Please feel free to use this name if you are, but I'd love a review copy.)

The Basic DickBit Chastity Enforcer

Obviously, there'd be an option to
have erections set back the
release time.
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The DickBit is a small digital device resembling a FitBit. It locks onto male chastity devices or is integrated with them. Depending on the model, it connects to other digital devices via mUSB, Bluetooth and WiFi.

The basic DickBit has the following:

• Pulse Monitor - Detects pull out.
• Vibration Monitor - Detects use of a vibrator.
• Audio Alarm - Can be configured so that the monitors set it of. Various options include socially embarrassing messages or mood killing jingles. Only times out after an hour or so.
• Visual Telltale - Triggered by the detectors. Red light winks until reset by keyholder.
• Upload information to other devices for the keyholder.

This would meet the key requirements of all the typical vanilla uses for male chastity. The possibility of embarrassment would... encourage impulse control, so the device would work in the bedroom as a couple toy and also to prevent infidelity and private masturbation.

The upload feature would keep the key holder informed, making them feel reassured - if that's what they need - and acting as another layer of deterrent.

The Delux DickBit Chastity Enforcer

As an erotic novelist, I can think of some nice features I would add to a delux version:

• Erection Monitor - Detects how hard you are. Possibly this could also detect ejaculation.
• Settable Time Lock - This need not be a physical locking device; it could simply prevent the security features from deactivating. Obviously, there'd be an option to have erections set back the release time.
• Micro Electric Shocker: Apparently this is now technically feasible. It could be set up so that the monitors trigger it.
• Ink Bomb: A smaller version of what they use in retail. Pull-out triggers this one-use device, which sprays non-toxic indelible ink all over the wearer. If it could work reliably - false positives would be a problem! - then this would be very popular with self bondage enthusiasts, since for most practical purposes, they really would be stuck in their device until unlocked.

When is the DickBit Chastity Enforcer going to come?

It's feasible right now! The basic version would use components that already exist. 

It would still cost money to develop, though. So we have to wait until somebody thinks its worthwhile. Perhaps it'll be crowd funded like the Ambrosia Vibe ("world's first bionic strap-on that vibrates when touched").

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Can Real Life be Like Femdom Erotica?

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I never write erotica on days I'm allowed to come.

I don't know how other writers do it, but if I can only manage about 30 mins of writing porn before I really need an orgasm. Once I've got off, then the erotica muse deserts me.

However, on chaste days - six days a week, seven at the moment - the frustration doesn't just keep me writing, it drags me into the story away from my comfort zone.

I'm not sure what my comfort zone is any more!

Generally my fantasies about real-world BDSM adventures divide into...

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Doable Fantasies: Things I expect to do - like pegging and extended deep slavery - or have already done - bondage, whippings, being teased, long-term chastity and orgasm denial.

I'm amazed by how much of this stuff I've experienced in real life - I got whipped at the weekend and I wake up every morning in my Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.

Unrealistic Fantasies: Things I'm sure I'd like to do but will never get to.

Xena is straight, for example, so I don't think I'll ever serve two women. Even so, I'm fairly sure that - just like in the Enslaved by Posh Totty series I'm writing right now - I'd be very content to be a slave in a F/F household, as long as I could truly be a fly on the wall and possibly serve as a sex toy (also unrealistic for obvious reasons).

I'd probably also enjoy spending a really extended period - say more than a month - in deep slavery. However, I think Xena enjoys the normal parts of our relationship too much for this to happen.

Dream Fantasies: Things that take Doable and Unrealistic fantasies to their logical conclusion and beyond the point at which I would enjoy them. This can be as simple as permanent chastity, or as extreme as "real" slavery.

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It's disturbing in an exciting way how many of my fantasies have moved up that list and spawned more extreme versions.

When I was young, being a slave for an evening was a Dream fantasy. I couldn't imagine, e.g., actually enjoying waiting around on my knees. When it turned out I enjoyed dipping into the reality, then it became Doable. However my fantasies about doing it for longer also become Doable, with extended slavery shifting to merely Unrealistic and permanent slavery became a more developed Dream fantasy.

In the same way, 24 hour male chastity also started as a Dream fantasy. Once I experienced a little overnight chastity, it became Doable and my more extreme Dream fantasy, 24/7 chastity, shifted to merely Unrealistic. And we know how that worked out...

So yes, reality can be like Femdom erotica.

Is there a way to tell which fantasies work in reality? I suspect it's to do with real world cost. But that's a blog post for another time.

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How I lost 1 kg every month thanks to Femdom and Male Chastity!

Femdom works miracles if you treat
it as real.

Femdom works miracles if you treat it as real.

(Well actually, I think it is real as soon as it becomes about what she wants. BDSM has a culture of pretending it's a game, forgetting that some games, like soccer, are real.)

Xena rations and controls my orgasms. She also gives me demerits resulting in strokes of the whip - it's all in our Female Led Relationship Contract.

All this excites me, but the frustration is sometimes unbearable and the whipping is always painful enough to make me want to avoid it. So the discipline may be kinky, but it's real.

Also in our FLR contract is the following clause:

He will report any measurable professional or personal targets Xena might want to manage.

I'm overweight (much less overweight now than I was, but we'll get to that). I've tried various diet and exercise regimes, but the one that works is really simple:

Of course, Xena can lower my weight 

ceiling at any time... 

• I weigh myself daily and record the result. Missing a weigh-in or increasing weight earns me a demerit.
• Going over a ceiling set by Xena costs me a penalty day, meaning my weekly orgasm is put back.
• Missing a monthly target also set by Xena results in dire punishment.

(EDIT: This is pretty much an enhanced version of the weight-loss system spelled out in this NHS article. See the first comment (below) for some sensible dietary advice from "HH".)

Doing this, I steadily lost one kilogramme a month through most of last year. Over Christmas, I managed to put on a kilogramme and a half. 

Needless to say, I haven't had an orgasm since before Christmas and I've been very very motivated to lose the weight again. 

I've succeeded, but not fast enough to stop the the penalty days from mounting up (the twist is that only weekdays count, so five penalty days earn me a week of chastity). 

So now I can't have an orgasm until early next month. This has concentrated my mind like nothing else and I'm back on track. 

Of course, Xena can lower my weight ceiling at any time... 

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Ask Giles: Why do you keep saying "BDSM emulates evil"? (I always get consent/give consent, plan scenes, give receive aftercare)

"...what would a Martian think when it saw
one of you hurt the other?"

This question keeps coming up and usually goes something like this:

Why do you keep saying "BDSM mimics evil"? I always get/give consent, plan scenes, give/receive aftercare. The sub has the real power anyway, since they can safeword and I/we attended all these classes and raise money for Amnesty International and...

And yet - I say - what would a Martian think when it saw one of you hurt the other?

"Thinking Like a Martian" is the brainchild of Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play.

The Martian, being an alien, doesn't understand English an this is immune to the bullshit explanations people give. It can, however, read body language and behaviour.

It's not a very nice way of thinking because it assigns practical responsibility to everybody in a situation - take a look at Eric Berne's reading of the Little Red Riding Hood.

So what does a Martian see when you do your BDSM?

Sub Panic (like Sub Frenzy, but different): a charitable explanation for Pushy Subs and Topping from the Bottom

 ...we don't usually go about getting
our BDSM kicks without the
trappings of power exchange

I think BDSM is all about the dynamic.

One person dominates, one submits and we like it that way.

My evidence for this is the observation that most kinksters are happy to expand their range beyond specific fantasies as long as they get similar buttons pushed.

For example, when I was a youth, all I wanted was to be tied up and used. Now I'm as happy - happier - to be chaste and ordered around instead. I still have no control over my genitals, I still give pleasure, I'm still used.

(I know that there are nice physical sensations to be had from BDSM. However, we don't usually go about getting our BDSM kicks without the trappings of power exchange.)

So BDSM has to be primarily about the dynamic: D/s,

For submissives, this is a big problem.

We have this burning urge to surrender autonomy to a hypothetical stranger or to an unexplored aspect of our partner. Deep down, we know that once we start on this path there's no going back. We fear that the darkness will consume us.

The natural response is to cling onto control, to go, Dominate me but make me wear this and you must do that and then you have to say this thing and I'll do that other thing but you won't make me do that thing and...

In other words to be a "Pushy Sub" and to "Top from the Bottom".  Yes, sometimes the sub is really just trying to turn their partner into an automaton. And, yes, there are a lot of supposedly submissive men out there with a sense of entitlement and a "do me" attitude.

However, some of these Pushy Subs are just scared,

I think of this as the reverse of Sub Frenzy, so I call it "Sub Panic". The cure is to let go and explore while relying on safewords as a safety net, and to trust that we will still be the same person in the morning, only more fulfilled.

(I also suspect there's a Dom Panic as well; Look it must be OK because I got consent and here's our agreed script and I've memorised where and how I could strike him and I check in between each stroke and he can use traffic light words and now I'm doing aftercare with tea and biscuits so I must be a nice person...)

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Second Custom Chastity prototype video arrives

Still from video of prototype
chastity cage. I can't wait to try
the real thing.

The new Custom Chastity prototype is on its way!  (Take a look at my review of the last prototype.)

In the mean time Lady Fox has sent me a video of what it looks like. (behind the cut in case you're on mobile.)

As you can see, this new one has considerably less headroom than the last one. Lady Fox says she usually gets things right first time. The issue is that my crown isn't particularly pronounced when hard, so we're doing another round of design.

It's the first time I've ever sent dick pics to anybody. But Lady Fox is matter-of-fact and professional in her communications. It's not much different from dealing with a doctor or surgeon. It also helps we're not every in the same room (or continent).

It's not the fastest process, and the season is slowing things up. However, if I were paying for this, I'd be more than happy since I'm guaranteed to get something that really fits at the end of it all. I'm essentially buying a semi-permanent body extension -- it's worth treating that process with respect.

What I sent to Lady Fox. Red line
shows roughly where it needs to be
tighter.

Oh, and - by the way - the whole device is not as short as it looks!

The cage and ring don't overlap so you have to add gap and ring thickness. I'm not that tiny, honest...

That lack of overlap looks like a flashback to the 2000s. However it has major advantages because any sort of rear projection or beak creates leverage when you move around.

Up to this point I took it for granted. Shifts in position could displace my dick. However, I discovered that the last prototype remained snug and in position even when I went on my hands and knees.

I'm now looking forward to trying less headroom. With my other devices, when particularly flaccid, my dick would heave my head up to nudge the top of the headroom. Then when I got hard, get awkwardly stuck.

So, take a look at the video behind the cut:

What to do when your submissive won't communicate

"You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to
me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs are great for throwing up their hands, dropping to their knees and crying, "You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs do this whether they are inexperienced submissive husbands or wives having their first BDSM adventures, or veterans of clubs and munches.

There are lots of possible reasons why they might not want to talk about their BDSM desires and needs.

They may be inexperienced and want to explore without preconceptions. They may be shy or have difficulty owning their kink.

Most of all, they may be more interested in  the dynamic than specific fantasies and genuinely want to submit to you, not some canned experience they got off the Internet - there is a voyeuristic element to this.

However, this leaves you - the dominant - feeling awkward and exposed.

this leaves you - the dominant -
feeling awkward and exposed

And it goes against much of what modern BDSM culture stands for, namely communication leading to informed consent.

Yes, you could lay down the law, but it's not always wise or desirable.

If your sub is your life partner, them so much as asking for kink may seem like a huge step and you want to help them move forward, not lecture them back into the closet.

Or your wannabe sub may be really really hot, or somebody with whom you really want a relationship.

Is it possible to proceed without driving them off with a bad experience or, worse, being a consent-violating monster?

Yes.

Just as we submissives protect our dignity by pretending we are sensation-seeking hedonistic bottoms, you dominants often protect your sense of being a Good Person by leaning heavily on being a service top; "Yes it looks evil, but it's a pre-negotiated scene and look at my rope tying skills and listen to my sub's loud orgasm."

However, subs are grown ups and BDSM is like a sport - the experience is always going to variable; sometimes your team loses. It's not a disaster if we have a bad time, or if things aren't perfect. When we give sweeping the consent, we benefit from an intense the sense of surrender, and accept that sometimes we'll be bored or uncomfortable or disappointed... that itself can be a turn on because it rubs our noses in our own powerlessness.

So if your sub just wants you to be in charge, there's a good chance that's what they'll actually enjoy.

And if they don't? Too bad for them

...there's bound to be some crazy
stuff they haven't considered
that would be a hard limit

You don't actually need service topping as a justification, just consent.  Of course, your uncommunicative sub has already given you that - so the real issue is informed consent.

For all they may say "do what you want" and "no limits" (and really they should at least discuss limits), there's bound to be some crazy stuff they haven't considered that would be a hard limit if they had, and there's always the worry that some of what you like will overlap with that.

There is, I think, a simple way around this:

First set your own ground rules...

• Tell them broadly the kind of thing they are letting themselves in for: e.g. there will be service and beatings and you may not get an orgasm.
• Tell them the attitude you expect them to adopt: e.g. obedient, OK to resist, bratty... it's up to you.
• Tell them an easy-to-remember safe word they can use only for safety (physical and mental - if they are freaking out, then they need to safe word).

Next, take charge...  

• Do and get the things you enjoy. It's OK if these are mainly vanilla services, this is for you not them. That's the deal. Avoid any complex set piece scenes, unless that's what you want to do for yourself.
• Get informed consent by announcing new things ahead of time, but in role. So, for example, don't just ram a dildo into your sub's ass. Instead, wave it in their face, gloat over what you're going to do, give them plenty of opportunity for the safe word.
• Don't do anything intense during the first session. If they have an intense emotional reaction you are uncomfortable with, rather leaping to check in, dial down the activity. Later, during in after care ask them whether they want to take that further next time or avoid it.
• Insist on mutual after care. You need as much validation as your sub does! However, avoid a detailed debrief.

 the power exchange will come to feel real
- which is what at least some of us want... 

Then, repeat over the following weeks, gradually increasing the intensity. 

• Remain focused on your own pleasure - that's still the deal.
• Trust your sub to use their safe word and try not to second guess them. However, don't be afraid to check in if they suddenly behave abnormally compared to previous sessions. (Consent doesn't completely let you off the hook morally.)

The downsides are that this is slower than just negotiating your power exchange, and that you will bump against limits which will be both irritating and embarrassing.

However, within those emerging limits, you will be genuinely in charge and the power exchange will come to feel real - which is what at least some of us want...

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.