Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Thursday, 7 December 2017

My (tentative) take on D/s and Personality Type

Determined by personality type?
If you float the idea that that D/s preferences might be a reflection of personality type, other kinksters have the urge to sandbag the conversation until it dies.

Nobody wants to be inherently evil, or weak, or have daddy issues, or be a cliched kinky middle manager. And, what little real research there is tells us that there's no correlation between social dominance and sexual dominance.

So it's pointless and divisive! Pile on the sandbags!

Except information about how relationships work is always useful.

For example, just as vanillas need to distinguish love from lust wrapped in romantic fantasy, kinksters need to distinguish D/s compatibility from kinkiness wrapped in D/s fantasy: "Is this me, or just me getting my kicks?"

And, yes, the waters are muddy making research difficult. The meaning of BDSM preferences - kinky activities we like -  depend on the context. Are people satisfying randomly acquired fetishes? Service topping?  Enjoying the physical sensations with a little fantasy thrown in? Messing around..?

However, things get clearer if you rise above all that and consider just the dynamic. Here's my take, and my prediction about what future research will show.

The most obvious question...

"What kind of people are drawn to hierarchical relationships?" 

...turns out to be the least useful, not because the answer is "Random people", but because the answer is "Almost everybody".

Hierarchical relationships are
the human norm.
Hierarchical relationships are the human norm.

It's like the way the "gay question" is dissolving into a realisation that almost everybody is at least potentially bisexual and that this has always been hidden in plain sight. (Duh.) Humans are wired for hierarchy. Our revolutions are about choosing leaders, not abolishing them. If we do abolish leaders, new ones emerge anyway. And so, quite naturally vanilla relationships tend towards hierarchal.

In every relationship I can think of, one partner leads - not dominates, erases, or abuses, just leads. And there's even a study that suggests that couples work better when one partner is in charge.

This is not about gender essentialism. Just as with homosexuality, as we strip away the cultural layer enforcing gender norms, we see a roughly 50/50 split between male and female leadership - and as with bisexuallity, that's always been hidden in plain sight.

Couples even eroticize hierarchy in vanilla ways. Romantic gestures and courtship usually express dynamic. It's perfectly possible to be dominant or submissive in bed without using whips and chains. And we all know apparently vanilla relationships dramatically skewed in the apparent favour of one partner.

This is all normal.

So, I hold that the only real difference between vanilla couples and D/s ones is that the latter express their dynamic using the BDSM toolbox. (Why? is another topic.)

It follows that Dominants and Submissives need have nothing to fear from scrutiny, because in all things other than the whips and chains, they're really very ordinary indeed.

Which brings us to the big question...

"Does personality type determine D/s role?"

If it doesn't, then the core compatibility in all those vanilla couples around you is random, none of them could infer that compatibility before actually dating, and people's most lifestyle-critical decision says nothing about their personality.

Logic and my experience of other people tells me that this is unlikely.

However - before you whack me with the sandbag - it's most certainly not about social dominance.

Social dominance is both situational and a learned skill. Wanting to be in charge is not the same as being any good at it. Also, it's not the Stone Age! Real world leadership roles are rarely about waving a branch and bashing other people into submission. A sexual dominant doesn't need to defeat a submissive partner - except perhaps in werewolf erotica.

(If it were about social dominance there would be a very limited number of dominants rather than one in most couples; or else dominance would be relative, so that Mrs Femdom would keep her husband in chastity, but yearn to go down on her CEO. Successful people would become more dominant as they grew older and gained status - midlife crisis subs wouldn't be a thing!)

Nor can it be about the tired cliches of strength and weakness: the saintly partner who cheerfully revolves around a physically or emotionally weaker spouse is (technically) submissive but very much a pillar of strength.

My take from observing other couples, including the kinky ones, is that people generally divide into Commanders and Champions. Quoting my own blog entry:
Champions are natural joiners, Commander's aren't.

Commanders lead decisively, Champions tend towards consensus building or else implementing/defending existing traditions or practices.

Commanders know what's good for you or an organisation, Champions are all about facilitating.

Commanders build empires, Champions run them. 
Guinevere was a Commander, Lancelot was a Champion.
I'm not claiming it's simple!

Good advice for a conflicted
female Commander 
Each type can learn the behaviour of the opposite type. At work, the Commander can do consensus building (or else). Driven by gender norms, the young male Champion may feel the need to strut around with a pocket full of Red Pills (being Alpha) and the young female Commander may cling to being a good girl (she should Let It Go). And kinky preferences may be in apparent contrast to D/s ones.

People aware of their type often manage it. I'm so easily sucked into clubs and organisations that I almost instinctively avoid joining them. When people unburden to her, my Commander wife has to hold back her urge to try to fix them.

Finally, it doesn't have to be about people at all. An introverted Commander might be most at home managing a network or designing interiors. An introverted Champion might be happiest renovating old buildings or gardening.

So I expect that careful studies will show it's down to personality type after all, but multi-dimensional type of the kind you might measure using the Myers-Briggs, not a single variable like social dominance. However, these studies will only be fruitful if they address the elephant in the room: the way most vanilla couples also have a power dynamic running.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 10 November 2017

21 Days Locked in the new and very sinister Custom Chastity Saint

The sinister "Saint"
male chastity
device.
I'm on Day 21 of lockup in the sinister Saint device that Custom Chastity sent me to review.

I've had one, one hour break near the start so I could do wearing/not wearing photos. Otherwise it's stayed on continuously, including for showers and running.

And, it looks like I'm stuck until this time next week, at least. Here's why:

Rewind to roughly a week ago...

"I'm really angry," blazes my wife Xena.  "Ten days angry."

She is angry. I managed to scrape our car. This is a genuine punishment.

"What?" I blurt. Ten days means two more weeks, on top of the first two she settled on to review this new device.

This gets me hard but not erect - the device makes its presence felt.  At the same time it really feels like too much time without an orgasm.

"Locked," she says firmly.

 "Yes mistress."

The locked part is new.

A few days previously, when I was making my nightly report I said, "No problems with the new device. It's so wearable it's sinister."
Me being locked makes Xena more casually dominant.

"How do you mean, sinister?" asked Xena.

"It's been a week and a half and it feels like I only just put it on," I said. "With other devices there was always a sense that it would have to be removed sooner or later because of chafing or skin problems. There was a natural limit. This one feels as of there'll never be a practical reason for removing it. Having limits is like standing on a cliff edge. That makes it sinister."

Xena just gives me the thumbs up.

I think it was Thumper who said something like "A 100 dollar piece of crap won't transform your relationship".

He was right of course. However, my experience is that, like other BDSM toys and tools, it will certainly amplify things that are already there.

In our case, Xena has always liked to control the sex in general and my sexuality in particular. The further into chastity we've gone, the more she wants that control, in part, I think, because it also intensifies our dynamic.

However, she's always worried about practical consequences - injury, getting caught, or me limiting my activities to accommodate our shared fetish.

She's also not interested in any kind of fuss around me. For example, she likes having me constrained, but isn't interested in doing the tying up. So, naturally for her, she finds it pleasing to sentence me to periods of chastity, but doesn't want to be any kind of keyholder, fielding requests for unlocking and taking responsibility again and again.

Nothing changed.
Everything changed.
It now appears that it was only the fear of consequences and dislike of fuss that put the brakes on Xena's tendency to keep me locked.

This new, sinister, male chastity device seem to have taken off those brakes. And, me being locked makes Xena more casually dominant, which creates a feedback loop.

So what can I say about the device itself?

It's so very sinister that there isn't much.

Yes, I'm aware of it from time to time, but it feels more like a matter-of-fact well-designed surgical appliance than a bondage toy.

Though I could pull out the back, I wouldn't want to cum that way. I know from previous experience that I'd end up stretching and chafing the skin of my dick such that I'd need a break from the device, which Xena would know about. Though I could cum without pulling out, I also know that the snug fit would make it literally a bruising experience that would probably have me up and down at night peeing, which Xena would notice. So though I am not minded to cheat, I am also aware that it would be a bad idea.

The round, narrow, base ring means I can close my legs and sleep on my side at night. Compared to a grippy collar ring, it's slightly more likely to slip if I overdo the lotion. However, the narrowness ensures everything lies naturally, meaning no issues of comfort or concealment.

The open cage with paper clip end means I'm so well ventilated I even managed to drip dry one night without a hair dryer. There's never any itching, and it's easy to inspect the skin to check everything is OK.

Compared to a tube design, the penis is much more exposed to stimulation. However, that accessibility means that it's easy to realign the head on those rare occasions when it has turtled or squirmed out of position. When I unzip to pee, I'm already properly aligned nine times out of ten.

The two downsides are (i) that the shape of the paperclip head is visible through thin underpants, if you look for it, and (ii) the paperclip can catch on the waistband of underpants if you remove them with too much gusto.

Feels pretty sinister to me.
I've previously managed 23 days in a Custom Chastity device, and though I think I could have gone on indefinitely, you'll see from that blog entry that it was something of an adventure, an experience to be managed. And, looking back, all that management was fatiguing such that it was a relief to unlock at the end, even though I didn't want to.

My experience of the Custom Chastity Saint is quite different. Basically I put it on and wore it. I did sport, work meetings, the pub... all with total confidence.

Nothing changed. Everything changed.

Which feels pretty sinister to me.

(Custom Chastity haven't yet added the "Saint" to their regular shop. However, I'm sure it's coming soon, unlike me. If you want one sooner than that, it's worth emailing them.)


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

How to choose a male chastity device 2: Ball Gripping Chastity Devices

The classic ball-gripping CB2000,
 the first modern chastity device.
There's a reason why the standard format male chastity device is the ball-gripper. They're much more forgiving than the full belt (see first article), and far more practical. A good one, like the device I'm locked into right now, lies naturally and even lets you close your legs.

Components

Male chastity devices generally comprise:

  • A base ring that goes around your genitals.
  • Cage or tube that constrains your dick. It works with the base ring to trap your balls.
  • Some kind of locking mechanism, typically a padlock or cable tie, but increasingly a "magic locker".

Security: A Non-Issue

KHD and Holy Trainer 2 devices:
Tubes, magic locker locking mechanisms
and base rings. 
The obvious issue is security. Without a piercing, you can in pull out the back and get off.

This doesn't negate the device's anti-infidelity properties - imagine trying to explain the cage to a pickup! And you certainly couldn't have sex with it hanging from your balls.  However, most male chastity fans are more focused on preventing masturbation.

This kind of security looms large in the minds of chastity novices - it's what put me off from buying a CB2000 all those years ago. However it's usually a non-issue in a relationship. Here's why:

  • In some mammals the male erection is an expression of dominance. Even if that doesn't apply to humans, having our erection controlled is a very intimate "violation" of self. Thus wearing a chastity device can make us too submissive to simply pull out.
  • Submissives like us find it impossible to lie to our dominants. 
  • Masturbating while wearing the device can chafe, stretch the skin and cause other highly visible problems, some potentially requiring removal of the device.
  • After days or weeks of enjoying plateau sensations, solo masturbation can be climatic and depressing anyway. Doing so with the knowledge that you had erased your submission would be pretty grim.
  • Self esteem.

Self-chastity outside of a relationship is more complex, but similar factors seem to come into play.

So though not technically secure, for most practical purposes a ball-gripper is an effective anti-masturbation device.

A Note on Variations on the Ball Gripping Chastity Device

There are variations on the standard format.

Oxballs stretch to fit device
The Oxballs Cocklock merges all three into a single stretch-to-fit device.

I'm pretty sure this is the start of the mainstreaming of our fetish. However - given the lack of ventilation - it's not really intended for wearing long-term.

Silicone device with
security strap.
Various silicone devices purport to be OK for long-term wear and use a security strap.

I'm not convinced by these, but haven't tried them. I won't be talking about these directly, though some of my remarks may help.

Finally you have tube only devices relying on piercings. The utterly coolest is the permanent(!) titanium chastity device produced by this craftsman.

These obviously work, but I actually "like" not being able to get erect, so again I won't be discussing these directly.

Next Time

Next time I'll talk about the choice of base ring, and how to specify the right "gap".


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Sunday, 29 October 2017

How to choose a male chastity device 1: Ball Gripping Chastity Device or Full Chastity Belt?

I'm on my eighth male chastity device, and perhaps my twelfth combination of base rings and cages. And that's not counting early DIY efforts. I've also worn mostly 24/7 for several years. So here's my take on choosing a male chastity device.

Full chastity belts are the stuff of fantasy!
Full chastity belts are the stuff of fantasy. Inescapable and secure without a piercing! Totally suppression of erections! Visually neutering (if that's what you like)!

Better yet, the good ones look really photogenic as long as you have the body for it. Go look how cool Ruffled Sheets looks in his chastity belt.

What's not to want?

My debut novel featured a full belt, as did my DIY chastity devices, but I haven't looked into getting a proper one.

Here's why not.

Full chastity belts that don't fit perfectly quickly unwearable. There's so much that can go wrong!

Totally suppression of erections!
The tube opening must marry up to the penis, or cause chafing or worse. The girdle has to hug the hips or waist or else cause more chafing.

Finally there are the rear plumbing arrangements! Pick one from: security and sore buttocks (from chains); security and gross toilet experiences due to a metal G-string; or possible security trusting in the girdle being stiff enough to keep the cage in place.

Essentially, you are ordering an exoskeleton over the Internet, based on measurements alone!

This means either going for a (comparatively) expensive one from Behind Barz, or else a Chinese from Amazon or DHGate and having the tools and expertise to modify it yourself.

Even if they do fit right, I'm not convinced that full belts are truly practical for open-ended 24/7 wear.

A rigid girdle can't be good for the back, and I couldn't do yoga while wearing one. A solid groin bump also seems a bit too discoverable. I can't imagine wearing it onto a client sight, and certainly not through any kind of security.

Sure, if I had the money, I would order one up. But I wouldn't expect to wear it for more than a couple of days at a time. It would be for BDSM rather than chastity lifestyle.

So my advice on full male chastity belts is: consider carefully whether this fits your actual needs, and do extensive research before gambling time and money on getting one.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

The Custom Chastity Saint - 5 days in

Just a quick follow up on the review I posted of the Custom Chastity "Saint".

I put the device on on Saturday, took it off briefly for a due diligence check on Tuesday, and so I could do wearing/not wearing photos.

So far there have been no problems. I think I wake up "stuck in the barrel" more often than I did in the double-ring device, but the open design makes it easy to poke myself back into place.

I've been jogging twice, and there was less sweat build up than with the Ghost. The cage format makes hygiene no problem. With other devices, I usually get a build up of dead skin after a couple of days. This isn't a show stopper, but it does mean a bit of careful messing around with a Q-tip. There's no sign of this with the Saint.

So there's still no practical reason for removing the thing...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Best long-term cage ever? Reviewing the Custom Chastity Saint (with pictures)


Custom Chastity Saint
"How long do you think I should wear it?" I ask.

I'm kneeling at the foot of the bed, massaging Xena's legs and feet, and "enjoying" the constricted feeling of trying to get hard inside my new Saint cage, which Lady Fox of Custom Chastity sent me to review.

"How long did you do last time you did a review?" she asks.

"A couple of weeks," I say.

"Oh well then," says my wife. "Do two to three weeks."

An electric pulse seems to run through my cage. "What about my orgasm?" I say. "I'm due one in a couple of days.
It really is a cage

"Tough," she says.

And now, of course, I really am horny but can't do anything about it.

I'm not, however, worried about open-ended lockup in the new Saint cage. It feels like the most practical device I've owned.

I know!

Each new chastity device has felt like a major improvement on the last: home made full belt to Chinese cage, to Holy Trainer 2, to a range of Custom Chastity devices.

And, every time I get a new Custom Chastity device to review, it's the Holy Grail, until the next one surpasses it.
Sales pitch: designed for maximum teasing.
(I think this version has  slider for a piercing.) 

And this one really does surpass everything I've worn, with a couple of caveats because it really is a cage, and a minimalist one at that.

As you can see from their sales pitch on social media, it's really designed for maximum teasing potential rather than security. There's a lot of exposed flesh! (For pics, see below the cut).

I'm not sure I'd want to have an orgasm while wearing it though!

When I experimented with pulling out with a previous model, getting hard and jerking off stretched the skin and caused very nasty chafing. I also know what getting off while actually locked hurts and is likely to leave my cock puffy and bruised, and irritate my urethra enough to have me peeing more frequently for a day or so.

Wearing
All the more reason for the wearer to resist teasing, if that's what's on the menu. It's also a sort of security - a well-fitted device makes your dick "cheating evident" which is as good as it gets without a piercing.

Teasing is certainly not on Xena's menu. In fact I think from her point of view, the new device shows off rather too much dick. However, the compensation is the practicality.

Not wearing
For a start, it really is a cage, rather than a tube with vents.  That means sweat vents easily, dead skin doesn't accumalate, and it's really easy to wash and dry; there appear to be no dead zones.

The startlingly minimalist head section, almost like a big bent paperclip, makes it really easy to adjust the position of your dick (though it's not so gappy that I could squeeze my head out).

I find I'm mostly lined up to pee when I down-zip, but if I'm not, then it's easy to align properly. Similarly, if I'm stuck in the barrel due to night turtling, it's a simple matter to poke a finger in and retrieve the errant member. Oh, and of course, there's nowhere for pee to collect.

(I suspect that the easy access would benefit an "uncut" wearer, i.e. one with an intact foreskin, making it simple to retract and clean and so on.)

Finally, it's even lighter than the other Custom Chastity devices I've worn. I found that my first surgical nylon device weighed less than its padlocks. This one, having even less fabric, weighs even less. I am barely aware it's there.

Then we come to the specific options I picked, namely a single thickness base ring and magic locker (which I expect will be standard with this model), and the material.

You'll see from the profile picture above that the pubic bulge is about the same whether or not I'm wearing!

The funny thing about being straight male chastity fetishist is that you have no idea of what a male groin should look like. As you can see from my pictures, there is always a pronounced bulge as seen from the side. This chastity device lies naturally enough to not make it significantly more pronounced.

The low profile is partly down to the magic locker, but also because of the single-thickness ring. There's a pay-off here between grip on the one hand, and hygiene and low profile. I think the single ring is more likely to shift than the double, but it's easier to clean and less obtrusive.

The material, as always, is surgical nylon with an eggshell finish. I've never had a problem with it, and find the texture makes it less sticky when my head presses against it. It's also pretty much indestructible unless somebody takes a cutter to it. This is about what you'd want for 24/7 wear... just in case you end up in an ambulance.

What does it look like on? Pictures below the cut, and - in case you came here direct - below the line.

Monday, 9 October 2017

Whipped while tethered by the chastity device! (testing the Custom Chastity Ghost with attachment point)

Custom Chastity Ghost with
attachment point.

Sunday night. I'm massaging Xena's back while getting hard in my chastity device and feeling nervous about what's to come.

I'm locked into a slightly updated Custom Chastity custom Ghost. Lady Fox sent me a new ring with a 7mm gap and an attachment point.

It's been a busy weekend. Xena sighs. "I suppose we'd better get through some of your demerits, slave."

She's only recently started calling me that when she wants total control. Just hearing it makes my cock twitch in its cage. It doesn't help that I haven't come for nearly two weeks.

Strap (gift from Fred Norman!)
plus spring hook.
I strip off, bring out the whip box, and then - for the first time - clip a strap to the attachment point on the underside of my base ring. The strap goes over the bedpost. I get onto my hands and knees and pull it tight.

Suddenly I'm helplessly kneeling, backed up against the bed post, effectively immobilised and awaiting my wife's pleasure.

The system is as smooth as I imagined. No bulky equipment to bring out of hiding, no straps to fiddle with. The whole procedure takes less than a minute and requires zero input from Xena.

Our whip box. (Velcro spreader/stocks to left)
That's why I asked for the attachment point. Xena loves whipping me, but is irritated by having to mess around with velcro or buckles. In an ideal world, she'd stride into a dedicated dungeon room to find me already spread out on a St Andrew's cross. I suspect it's to do with feeling in control.

I had worried that the little loop would have got in the way, or snagged on my scrotum. However, it made no difference to the wearability.

"I'm helpless, mistress," I announce.

"Good," she says. And she reads her book for what must be quarter of an hour while I kneel there naked, a little uncomfortable, and nervous.

Finally, I hear her swing out of bed, pad over to the whip box. There's a swish and unbelievable pain blossoms over my back.

I yelp.

"Slave!" she admonishes.

"Sorry mistress."

The next blow is just as painful, but I manage to reduce my reaction to just a gasp. By the fifth blow, I'm whimpering.
A very submissive posture!

Looking back, the ergonomics were perfect for her. The spreader/stockade we have puts me too low on the ground, makes me too hard a target. Often the whips hit with just the tip, or land spent or in odd places.

The other alternative - me chained across the foot of the bed - works better. However, it's slow to set up and means I'm taking up bed space.

That's the other thing. Chained by the balls on your hands and knees - that's a very submissive position! In the right circumstances submission brings out the worst in us.

So it's physically and mentally easy for Xena, my vanilla acting wife, to cheerfully whip the hell out of me.

She switches to something stingier and my sobs turn to muffled yelps.

With all my twitching and flinching, I put considerable strain on the attachment point. However the surgical nylon material is tough, and copes with no problem. In addition, all that tugging has no effect on my cock, which stays strapped on its constricting cage.

She pads around to stand in front of me. She's wearing comfy bed socks tonight, but this would be sexy as hell if she was wearing boots.

Now she lays into my raised buttocks.

I make little screeches.

"Oh, that one really hurts then," she remarks.

She gets back onto the bed and the vibrator buzzes. I can only kneel and listen while my cock twitches hopelessly in its cage.

At length she finishes up, gives me ten more strokes that leave me with tears in my eyes.

"Right," she says, "Bed. Put everything away, slave."

Easy for Xena, my vanilla acting wife,
to cheerfully whip the hell out of me.
So aftercare is me unstrapping myself, packing away whips and straps.

As I get back into pyjamas, I ask, "How was that for speed and convenience, mistress, for my review?"

"Perfect," she says. "Better than everything else."

"Oh," I say, "You didn't tell me lockup for tomorrow."

"Stay locked," she says.

"What? It's my orgasm day."

"Too bad, slave," she says. "Now go to sleep."

"Hang on," I say. "Does that cancel the day or do I get to cum Tuesday?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow, depending on the state of the house. Now go to sleep, slave."

"Yes, mistress."

Lady Fox's diabolical contraptions
have turned me into my wife's slave!
But of course I lie there, back stinging, muzzled groin throbbing. I've spent my entire adult life craving whippings of this intensity. Now I'm getting them as routine.

And Xena just takes her dominance for granted. There's no posturing, no play acting.

It's no exaggeration to say that it's male chastity devices that got us to this point. There's something primal and real about the submission they imply. The more practical, the more wearable my device, the more real our dynamic has felt.

This year our FLR contract negotiation comprised of Xena establishing that she was in charge, I had no choice about this, and chastity was mandatory.

So you could argue that the scarily practical, indefinitely wearable devices we've had from Custom Chastity are responsible for our final slide into a deep Femdom dynamic.

Yes, Lady Fox's diabolical contraptions have turned me into my wife's slave!


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Are Some Men Who Slut Shame Fighting Submissive Urges?

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls",
but that didn't stop her from having sex.
There was a girl at my High School when everybody was younger than they should have been, and she had sex at a party.

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls", but that didn't stop her from having sex.

And we all teased her. We slut shamed her.

I slut shamed her.

And she called me on it. The conversation went:
Me: "Ha ha. I hear you got up to things at the weekend. Fnar fnar."
Her (brightly): "Yes I had sex at a party. It was fun."
Me: "Oh... OK."
I think I apologised. I hope I did. And though we were never quite friends, I think we got along fine from then on.

Looking back I feel both shame and confusion.

The shame part is obvious. Even back then I was "anti-sexist", but here was a young woman starting to explore her sexuality and I was one of the baying idiots fucking it up for her. Thank god she (seemed) to have a thick skin. My excuse is that it was the 1980s, sex education was poor, and I was insecure enough to succumb to pack behaviour - she'd also have been teased if she had accidentally set light to her bedroom or had some other non-sexual mishap. Even so, I still feel ashamed.

Slut shaming is hardly in
the interest of straight males!
The confusion... well slut shaming is confusing.

For a start, slut shaming is hardly in the interest of straight males!

Surely, men want to encourage women to embrace their sexuality. And, wouldn't individual men gain a dating advantage by appearing to offer a safe space for exploration?

Also, it can't be about morality.

Even if you are on the conservative end of the moral spectrum, surely there are far more pressing issues in the world than whether an academic shops at Victoria's Secret!

So to me, the misogyny behind slut shaming looks very much like gynophobia - some men are afraid of the power of female sexuality.

I'm certainly one of those, so much so that I have fetishized fear itself. I've always been attracted to sexual women, and always been afraid of them. But what was I afraid of?

What are men afraid of? What is this mysterious power female sexuality is supposed to confer? How can dressing in stockings and a basque, for example, possibly be "empowering"?

Some men faced by sexual women
feel a submissive undertow...
The elephant in the room is Femdom.

I suspect that just as homophobia often hides homosexual desires, gynophobia must often - not always - hide strong submissive drives.

I don't mean that all gynophobes have detailed, torrid Femdom fantasies churning below the surface. I think it's more primal and disturbing for them than that.

I think Femdom is part of the range of natural human sexual relationships, one of the sweet spots that's evolved over the millennia. It's there in some of us whether we like it or not.

Some men faced by sexual women feel a submissive undertow. They can't articulate it, but it threatens to rob them of their autonomy and destroy the story they tell themselves about their masculinity.

So they push back, deny loudly, and thus they slut shame.

I don't think repressed submissive urges are the only reason why men slut shame. However, I would hope that as society becomes less kink phobic, men with submissive urges will understand and accept their drives and stop behaving like dicks.

Wouldn't it be nice if we saw more Femdom and less slut shaming?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 7 September 2017

Why Evolutionary Psychology isn't very practically useful when thinking about Femdom (or any BDSM) Relationships

I'd rather be a hardwired pervert
than a Freudian-made one.
I like Evolutionary Psychology. It's a great parlour game, real studies by real scientists are fascinating, and I've found it helpful to see that my submissive sexuality might actually fit into a more primal setting: I'd rather be a hardwired pervert than a Freudian-made one.

However, whatever you think of the value of it as a science, Evolutionary Psychology is not actually very practically useful in Femdom or BDSM.

Partly this is because it's hard to disentangle nature and nurture.

Mostly, though, it's because Evolutionary Psychology is redundant!

Why go from (A)  observations of the modern world to (B) hypothesising based on a hypothetical palaeolithic, and (C) then back to acting the modern world? You can just skip the middle step and ask, "What works?"

And most of what what works boils down to: 
  • Don't be an ass or a loser. 
  • Take social risks to form new relationships.
  • Listen to people and take them seriously.
  • Date for broader compatibility, not just kink (because a lot of people are secretly kinky or kink-amenable).
  • Ask for things you want, but focusing on what's in it for your partner.
  • Don't try to be dominant with a dominant potential partner.
That last should be pretty obvious! 

If you insist on taking the palaeolithic view: presumably a dominant palaeolithic woman would want a mate who would be good at wrestling cave bears, but also do as he's told. 

However, that's working backwards from the thing we observe anyway, to a hypothesis that doesn't help guide our behaviour.

Which is my point.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Ask Giles: What do I do once I've locked my husband in chastity?

You need to know what the chastity is about first! It can be one or all of the following:

About you controlling his orgasm. If so, then you can - and he's probably hoping you will - use that power to get things you want. Have him earn his orgasm through chores and pampering, and bedroom service.

About him being locked. If so, then fun is to be had from the fact he can't get off, or even get his dick out. You don't actually have to unlock him to tease him. Just put on sexy clothing and let him pleasure you. For added points, have him wear a strapon to simulate normal sex - there's nothing quite so exquisitely frustrating. And of course there's sexting, little sexy tasks for him during the day, and - if it's his bag - tormenting him by making him wear panties and so on.

About you being penis-free. If so, enjoy getting what you want in bed without any effort on your part, and without the messy finish. Don't even let him mention his dick or his frustration. The effect on him will probably be the same as the previous option, but with less work for you.

And of course you can move between all three of these...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 4 September 2017

Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"
"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"

"Expand?"

I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:
Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.
So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away
What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Adventures in Chastity: What keeps us locked and chaste against our will and why?

Tom Allen has this blog post about how male chastity is all a fantasy game, and we stay looked and chaste only because we want to. He's right, but he's also wrong. Here's why.

The first time Xena imposed extended denial on me, it ran to 152 days! I kept asking her whether I could get off, and she kept delaying it. Toward the end I was feeling more irritated than accepting. However I stuck to it because it was what she told me to do. As I sit here locked into my chastity device, I'm very glad I did.

People have always voluntarily signed up for experiences they know that they'll be locked into, and won't entirely enjoy. We generally called these experiences "adventures".

Adventures can be short (say, a roller coaster ride) through long (say, an arctic expedition) to a lifetime (say, getting married).

We see benefits to having the adventure, but we are also locked in for a variety or reasons ranging from practical (can't actually step off a roller coaster in mid ride!) through cost of quitting (losing a deposit, damaging friendships with companions, and feeling cowardly) to emotions  (love can make us stay and fix a marriage).

What's odd about adventures is that we know what we're getting into, we know there will be low points, and that there's no going back. Even so, we still do it.

This is because feelings like wanting, liking, enjoying, and satisfaction are really just labels we give to a quilt of drives and urges, all operating in parallel rather than in summation. You can take a roller-coaster ride and experience: fear; excitement; pride; horror; visceral pleasure; and nausea. You can have a strong wish to get off the ride ("Argh! Let me off! Let me off!") and yet in the aftermath enjoy the most amazing buzz ("Whee! Let's do it again!").

In the case of long term chastity and orgasm denial, it's common to experience an amazing time, and to wish it would end - and to do so simultaneously! You can love the heightened sensations, but be desperate to come.

Thus, though chaste men on forums often over egg it and humble brag, it's entirely reasonable for them to express mixed feelings. You can revel in the power your mistress exercises, even though you also resent it - the very fact she can make you do things you resent is itself a turn on... that's how masochism works.

So much for the why? The what? is intriguing. What locks us into chastity adventures? What keeps us going when we aren't having fun and we just feel pissed off and horny?

Obviously pride, as for any other kind of adventure. Some chastity belt users sound like sportsmen or explorers: "I'm going to make six months if it kills me!"

There are seven motivations that are specific to male chastity.

The first four are psychological:

1. Masturbation after chastity is lonely and anticlimactic. This is especially true if you're self locked because it means leaving behind your taste of a fantasy and being reminded you have nobody to play with.

2. Withdrawing consent might make the Femdom go away.  Even nowadays, we're usually the ones who introduce the idea of Femdom. If we start making things difficult, then our mistresses may just give up on the whole idea. Better  to suffer six months of no orgasm than sixteen years of no Femdom!

3. It's hard to step out of a submission feedback loop.  For primates, having an erection is not just sexual, it's a display of dominance. So not being able to have an erection makes us even more submissive than we already are. Even if self-locked, it becomes surprisingly psychologically hard to pull out or defeat a device. We simply don't feel like doing it. Nor do we feel like deceiving our keyholder, or disobeying her. We are are already submissive and chastity makes us more submissive. Disobedience stops being in our lexicon.

4. You can get used to almost anything.  For many of us, this is just how we live and how our relationships work. It's like moving to an inner city area and liking the convenience and the restaurants, but moaning about the noise and trash.

The last three are practical and relate to damaging or drilling out the device when we don't have the key, e.g. because it's in a time safe, or we're sealed in "permanently".

5. Staying locked is more convenient than breaking out. For those of us without drill benches in well-equipped garages, defeating a device using tools is often less convenient than waiting out our "sentence". This is true even if the sentence is open ended. Things have to a certain level of unbearableness before we start tackling the problem of what tools to use and how, and finding the privacy to do it.

6. Destroying a device is a waste. If we're sealed into a device, we have a strong urge to justify the money we spent on it. (This raises the interesting question of what a month in chastity is worth).

7. Replacement is a problem. Our device may be expensive, our discretionary spend may be limited, and, as in 2., our partners may become cross about us wasting money on "sex toys" which we then break.

Reasons 5-6  suggest that the best possible "permanent" chastity device would be difficult to destroy, expensive, and not readily available... However that's for another blog post.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Sex and Relationships in 2027

Sex in the future!
Last month, Teen Vogue actually did an article on BDSM! And there are all these surveys about the younger generation's laid-back attitude to sex and sexuallity.

So what's it going to be like in the Anglophone 1st world in ten years time?

I think wildly liberal, but not a 70s style Brave New World shagfest, nor a rolling Bonobo pansexual bonkathon.

Here's why.... (please note this is a prediction, not a manifesto!)

One the one hand, technology pushes the erotic envelope. Medicine's attack on consequences removes the fear. Porn erodes qualms. The wired up world provides opportunities and, through mobile communications, makes people physically safe. We're only one click away from cheap toys and gadgets to fulfil our fantasies. And, with ignorance and fear in retreat, people are starting to be OK with the whole rainbow of sexualities and identities.

On the other hand, a culture of sexual autonomy makes people less rather than more sexually available to others: people increasingly no longer feel they have to do things they don't feel like.

Since sex is an intimate act, it will continue to create vulnerablity. In the absence of cultural scripts telling people to go out and get laid, or to date, many of them will choose not to let down their guard except selectively. So though we'll see more promiscuity done more openly, it's never going to be like the fantasy version of the 1970s Sexual Revolution because only a few people really want to routinely sleep around.

A range of relationship styles will become unremarkable, especially poly, but monogamy isn't going to go away. Since each style generates its own challenges, no one style will be acknowledged best. People and fashion will move between them over time. However, as long as people still have jobs, relationships will tend to drift towards something resembling monogamy as the lazy option.

Similarly, sex remains visceral rather than cerebral. The new generation seemed to have picked up the values without the passionate politics. So though they won't be transphobic or homophobic, and though more of them will be openly pan/bi or "flexible" (or whatever it will be called), for most people, your "actual genitals right now" will still matter. (On the plus side, we can guess that sex changes will get easier and that the genitals you once had won't matter.)

Finally, given that something like 50% of women can't usually get off on penetration, I predict there will be less penis-in-vagina sex than right now.

What about kink?

Kink in general will go mainstream... it already is, to an extent. There won't be a BDSM club on every corner because sex will still be private for most people. However, kink will be a part of the standard bedroom repertoire.

Given most people aren't particularly good at role playing, it will be instrumental kink, with bondage for teasing and denying, and sadism and masochism experienced in the raw without the layer of simulation modern kink culture wraps around its "play". And some kinks based on transgressing race and gender will simply fade away. For example, by 2027, sissification won't make much sense to anybody under 50.

Chastity devices won't be mainstream outside the bedroom, unless somebody nails the problem of security - expect something like the FitBit for cocks. They most certainly will be mainstream in the bedroom. Their primary use will be vanilla: to string out the male plateau phase. However, they will also creep into dating and courtship wherever one partner wishes to delay sexual intercourse.  (I talked about all this here.)

This leads us to the knotty problem of power exchange in asymmetric relationships.

I suspect these will still be taboo. That Teen Vogue article sought advice from a pro-domme, not an established FLR or MLR couple. It emphasised BDSM as play and performance.

Yes, consensual vanilla asymmetric relationships naturally arise in the wild, and yes it's healthy to be able to acknowledge and eroticise the dynamic, not least because it lets you negotiate it. However, ongoing power exchange will feel like a violation of the prevailing egalitarian culture.

So, a submissive may one day think nothing of discussing a flogging with their adventurous friends, but they'll have to keep it a secret that the reason they were flogged was because they didn't do their chores...

There are two ways I can see F/m asymmetric relationships becoming acceptable in the mainstream:

First, asymmetric relationships without BDSM protocol trappings might become widely visible and acceptable in the Lesbian and Gay communities, where gender roles and feminism can't muddy the waters.  If our gay friends can casually talk about  a partner being their "boss", then so can we straight couples.

Second, perhaps there will be a Political Femdom movement along the lines of Political Lesbianism. It won't be called that, and it won't be overtly kinky. It will be touted as a way of subverting patriarchy at root. It might even do that. It will certainly square the circle for a lot of straight couples.

Unfortunately, all this will benefit FLR/Femdom pairings more than it will MLR/Maledom ones. We're going to need another two generations of non-sexist culture before MLR doesn't push the wrong buttons. Unless... just perhaps loudly embracing MLR as a consensual kink might just be seen as a way to subvert old-style patriarchal marriage.

As I said, this is a prediction, not a manifesto. I don't think this world will be perfect, make everybody happy, or even respect everybody's rights. However, it will be better than the erotic environment I grew up on, and better than what goes on today.

Your turn. What do you think things will be like?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 7 August 2017

My wife gives scary answers to some Femdom hypotheticals

My wife is very literal and serious

"Can I ask you some hypotheticals?"

It's late Sunday night, I'm kneeling at the end of the bed rubbing Xena's feet, as always, locked into my chastity device for the night.

She rather arbitrarily had me unlock for the day, which has left me a bit confused. I have a strong suspicion that her lock/unlock decisions are entirely random

Remember Anya from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"? My wife's a bit like her. Very literal and serious. There are no wheels within within wheels. She has a playful side, but it's spontaneous and unreliable. The world's worst service top, she is utterly no good at erotic role play.

Put my wife in charge, however, and she just takes charge and suits herself. This gives us an all or nothing Femdom dynamic that suits me fine.

The snag is, she doesn't introspect about the Femdom, which means it's hard to nail down what her tastes actually are.

Nor does she spend time thinking about enhancements. They still come from me, making the whole thing a bit of a guessing game. Some ideas she takes up with an evil grin. Others she dismisses with a grumpy wrinkle of her nose: Why aren't you telepathic Giles?

Part of the problem is that her mind leaps to practicalities, and some ideas get rejected before I've had a chance to make them work, or establish that I'm actually in the right ballpark.

So I'm ask asking some explicitly hypothetical questions: ones grounded in reality, but lubricated by fantasy.

"Oh go on then," she says.

"First one," I say. "Suppose I lost both keys to my device. Worse, in a fit of enthusiasm I'd previously decluttered all my spares. It would take about a month for a replacement to come."

"I don't understand, " she says, yawning.

"I'd be stuck," I say. "I'd have to destroy the device to get out of it, but the new one wouldn't arrive for a month or so."

"Oh," she says, an evil glint in her eyes. "You'd have to wear it until the replacement arrived."

"Would I be allowed to pullout and come."

"Of course not," she says as if I'm an idiot.

As  I said, she's very literal. As far as she's concerned a chastity device should be a chastity device and treated as such. She once accidentally pressed the wrong counter, giving me a penalty day instead of a demerit. She simply shrugged and picked up the other counter and clicked that one as well. There was no hint of rewinding.

"OK," I say. "Suppose Lady Fox had nothing she wanted me to review, so I had to buy the new device. Say it was about $200. Bear in mind that any practical device comes in at about that."

"You'd have to earn the money first," she says. "Over and above your monthly targets, of course," she adds cheerfully.

I wince. My erotic fiction and contracting together bring in a variable income. My target is reasonable, but I don't always make it. "I could be stuck for a couple of months."

"Tough."

"Next," I say. "Suppose this happens but we're abroad for your work? We're either travelling around, or else deliveries are not practical or secure. We won't be home for three months."

"Then you'd wear it until then," she says.

"What about six months?"

She frowns. "Then I'd make you come up with a solution."

Yes, a sharp but literal mind. The hypothetical just breaks down when she thinks about it too much! (There are few problems she can't solve or motivate other people to solve, which is why she is so senior professionally.)

However, it's interesting that this doesn't happen until the 6 month mark. Also, at no point does she bring up getting a cheap Amazon device for bedroom wear only. Given an all or nothing choice, she'd rather have me locked 24/7.  Finally, as long as the situation isn't actually her fault, she seems gleefully happy to enforce it for months on end.

All this suggests that daytime lockup really is part of the deal for her. She's not humouring me, even if she hasn't thought through the significance.

"Finally, a different tack," I say. "What if you had a vibrator that was hooked up to an electric shocker."

"I don't get it. Why would I want that?"

I back track. "You can get remote control shockers. Imagine that you using your vibrator triggered electric shocks for me. Would you use that?"

"Hmmm. Perhaps."

"What if... what if instead the vibrator was connected to the time lock on the safe. Say every minute of use cost me an hour of lockup?"

"Oh," says my wife. "That would be interesting."


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 3 August 2017

"Actually I prefer you this way!": Permanent Chastity and the Other Keyholder Dynamic

"Actually, I prefer you this way."
"Actually, I prefer you this way."

About four years ago, I had just serviced Xena and was about to remove my chastity device to and get myself off in the other room. I had a sudden attack of insecurity: was she still OK to play this "game"(longer log post here).

"Actually, I prefer you this way."

God just thinking about her answer gets me hard in my chastity device!

 Being locked into a chastity device
somehow releases my sensuality.
A lot of keyholder relationships seem to be about the chaste male and his ravenous genitals.

We are told that the chastity device and orgasm denial are the keyholder's main leverage with her caged male. We're asked to believe that without that leverage he'd go back to being his boorish, domestically lazy, semen-daubing self. Permanent chastity would destroy this dynamic by removing the leverage.

Perhaps that's true for some couples.

For us, male chastity is transformative.

With fetishes, it's hard to disentangle turn-ons from things that give permission to be turned on. Being locked into a chastity device somehow releases my sensuality. I am far hornier locked than unlocked, and, on balance, more comfortable as well.

Xena feels the same. For some reason, me being locked up seems to allow her to be sexy, and knowing I'm locked makes her also feel comfortable.

The dynamic that tends towards permanent chastity.
Neither of us are really interested in my orgasm. Xena hasn't been there when it happened for years. Though I have the urge to get off, and try to avoid penalty days,  masturbation is lonely. It always leaves me a little depressed and deflated.

Conversely, I find it immensely... comfortable when she denies me an orgasm. It's more than masochism, it's to do with identity and being owned.

Earlier this year, my orgasm was months away and kept receding. An extra penalty day here or there felt like a drop in the ocean! I simply stopped being scared of the red clicker. What did keep me in line was my submissive nature confirmed by my chastity, and Xena's ability to beat me and make me kneel in the corner.

So Xena doesn't need penalty days to control me, and we are both more comfortable with me locked in a chastity device. 

That means that we are living the other keyholder dynamic, the one where the chastity is more important than the keyholding... the one that tends towards permanent chastity, even if it never attains it.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)