Friendzone or Subzone? Femdom, Feminism and One-Way Romances

Friendzone. The classic description is something like this:

He provides emotional support, platonic companionship, helps her out with practical things, once tidied her apartment so she could host a party, gives her lifts in his car. One time he came into town specially just to rescue her when she got herself into a state. Sometimes she falls asleep on him while they watch TV together. She appreciates his friendship, doesn't have sex with him, but dates other guys...

Gosh, darn, doesn't that sound awfully familiar from a zillion Femdom blogs? Let me help you out by adding some more text:

He provides emotional support, platonic companionship, helps her out with practical things while she sits around in a silk robe doing her nails. Often he cross-dresses as a French maid and tidies her apartment. She keeps him focused by directing the action with a whip. He gives her lifts in his car when she goes on dates. One time he came into town specially just to rescue her when she got herself into a state. Sometimes she falls asleep on him while they watch TV together. If the show gets her horny, she has him go down on her. She appreciates his friendship  service , doesn't have sex with him, and holds the key to his chastity device. She dates other guys but if he's lucky he gets to clean up after. 

Seriously... DUH!

OK back up a bit.

The term Friendzone describes a real phenomenon I noticed well before it had a name.
However, the surrounding male-entitlement culture is unpleasant, let's call it a One-Way Romance (OWR), which is also a more accurate term.

The basic OWR is a situation in which you experience "unrequited love for somebody who regards you as a close friend". It's easy to go there when you're young and inexperienced. Thanks to patriarchy, he may read her culturally-mandated gentle rejection as a "maybe" or - worse - "playing hard to get", and then later succumb to male entitlement and feel cheated.

If that's your situation, you should do as Cara Sutra says and grow the hell up. Value and preserve the friendship but move on romantically. (It was Cara Sutra's great article that got me thinking about this.) You should also consider ceasing to profess friendship as a way of putting off the scary moment where you open your heart and make yourself vulnerable.

We can hope that, by empowering people to communicate clearly and by removing entitlement, Feminism will consign this kind of OWR to the dustbin of history.

However, it's not always that simple. How could it be?

What about people who keep getting themselves into an OWR? Or the ones who stay there for months and years? I've been there, and I've observed it with both men and women, but let's focus on the man-in-friendzone scenario.

If a man keeps putting himself in the same uncomfortable situation, or gets stuck there, isn't that usually because on some level that's where he wants to be? Aren't we really seeing vanilla Femdom hidden in plain sight?

To me, the full blown long-term version of the OWR is just the natural hazard of having an unacknowledged submissive streak, of being a Champion rather than a Commander.

The loud complaining is disingenuous, just the vanilla version of malesub tears:

"Wah wah look at the demeaning situation I'm in that however turns me on so much hang on I have to go and jerk off..."

What about the women?

For the OWR relationship to be stable, both partners must want to be there. What's in it for her?

I think it's also disingenuous to insist that adult women are never aware of men orbiting them since (a) the idea is really common, and (b) most people have enough emotional intelligence to read all those non-verbal cues. They're not evil exploiters. Most take the quite correct attitude, "He knows the score but seems happy to do stuff for me so why not?" (Or, "LOL men are silly.")

But why? Why put up with a man hanging around like an overgrown Labrador puppy? Surely his presence makes it harder to strike up a real romance?

Control.

Even now in the 21st century, there's a sense that women give up control when they enter a committed relationship and can no longer ration out their sexual favours.

Most women - most people! - want a measure of control. Those near the Commander end of my Champion-Commander spectrum - need it. Keeping a devoted man orbiting in the OWR while dating elsewhere seems pretty much the perfect solution to this.

I don't think Feminism alone will make this go away, though it may make men feel better about doing the orbiting. Women who need control will still balk at entering a peer relationship.

I do think that what both OWR partners really need is a way to have a hierarchical relationship that is sexual and probably monogamous (not necessarily with each other, though.)

We'll only really see the back of One-Way Romances - the Friendzone, if you must - when Female Led Relationships (or Male Led, if the other way around!) are mainstream enough for people to go looking for them explicitly.

Unfortunately, that means tackling the elephant in the room: that not everybody wants or needs an equal relationship.

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Ask Giles: Why Are Malesubs Crap (*Often* crap, that is)

Malesubs are often crap, especially the inexperienced ones: entitled, demanding, gross, weird, blinkered... I don't need to give examples. But why?

First, our culture still enables men to be crap about sex in general

Our culture still portrays men as the ones with sexual agency. Sex is still about men, and most men themselves approach sexuality in a wide-eyed boyish way that combines innocence with a lack of reflectivity: "Me... me... me..." In this world, female pleasure is a proof of masculinity and the female body territory to be conquered.

The unreflecting assumption is that Femdom will simply be an inversion of traditional male/female roles, hence the obsession with "serving" one's mistress by being penetrated, and hence unsolicited ass picks.

Couple that inversion with sexist assumptions about women's "naturally" subordinate role, and you explain why malesubs are so keen to emphasise their lack of masculine or high dominance traits: "I know you're a mere weak woman, but I'm a total loser with a small dick who likes wearing panties so you will be able to dominate me."

This exaggerated inversion makes sense when the sub is in boyish mode, but not after he's had a good orgasm. Hence the tendency to flip flop, overcommitting then retreating.

Second, Service Femdom is more visible than "Actual" Femdom.

Prodommes are disproportionately represented in mainstream media, and have a disproportionate presence on the Internet. (After all, this is their vocation. They are easy to contact, often look good on screen, have lots of cool gear, and - if articulate - have tonnes of practical experience to share.)

Meanwhile, the Internet is a good place to talk about the technical aspects of BDSM, so there's more online information about cool rope tying techniques than there is about kinky dynamics and emotions. This makes Femdom look like a service, even when it isn't.

So it's easy to regard dominant women as a cheaper alternative to a prodomme - the equivalent of the nymphomaniac of 1970s sex fantasies: all the convenience and lack of complications of a hooker, but free.

(And perhaps there lingers the assumption that women don't really experience desire anyway, so all straight sex is service; why should Femdom be any different?)

Finally, porn amplifies all this.

Not much to say about that one!

So

Malesubs are crap because: 

Patriarchy, highly-visible Service Femdom, 

and Porn.

(But not my porn!)

---

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My Three Big Ideas about D/s Power Exchange

(In response to useful comments on my last post.)

I have Three Big Ideas about D/s Exchange. I'm sure somebody else has already had them, but here they are:

1. In BDSM  Power Exchange, the Power Dynamic is Real

Not all BDSM is really power exchange. Sometimes the real control does rest with the "sub", or the couple are actually engaging in a collaborative scene. (See Skin Shallow's excellent blog post on this.)

However, where the dominant operates within permissive limits in order to please themselves and this is OK with the submissive,  then the power quickly becomes real. It's mentally hard for a sub to withdraw consent unless they hit a really hard limit:

(1) The submissive's need for the kink dissempowers them. They can no more casually call a halt because bored or irritated than a sports professional can walk off the field because they've had enough for the day.

(2) Humans quickly lose perspective making most role play quickly feel real, e.g. Stanford Experiment, and again, how people behave badly on the sports field.

(3) Submissives are caught in an undertow. Add a following wind, and we find it very hard to swim back toward shore.

(4) Hierarchical relationships seem "natural" to humans. Once we know who's boss, we tend to just go along with the arrangement unless something bumps us out of it.

Meanwhile, the dominant experiences something similar. They get used to being obeyed and quickly come to take it for granted.

Dominants might find this perspective uncomfortable - consent gets fuzzy if you look at it too closely! However, I think it's useful to distinguish between power exchange and play, especially because power exchange is the simpler and less demanding option for inexperienced or vanilla partners experimenting with a dominant role.

2. Power Exchange is the normal (BDSMers are just better at it and more explicit) 

This from observation of vanilla couples. There is usually a consensual power imbalance.

Psychology researchers have noticed this, but tend to treat it as a bad thing, even though there is evidence that having clear leadership in a relationship makes the couple more effective.

By "power imbalance" I mean something generally benign and even fluffy.

Typically, one partner tends to lead, the other facilitates or champions. They may each have areas they are in charge of - in a "traditional" relationship, the house is her domain - but the overall shape of the relationship focuses comfortably on one partner. This could, e.g., be the more professionally dynamic partner, or the one in charge of the domestic bliss.

The partners in question usually don't think of dominance or submission: "I'm a good provider, I look after my partner, I keep us on track, I get looked after, my work has to come first, my partner supports my hobbies...".

(Culture and humour suggest that this power has never automatically rested with the man: "She wears the trousers." Female Led Relationships are as old as history.)

D/s couples are therefore really just going with the flow but being explicit about it. For example, if your wife is in charge, it's a relief to be able to just admit it, rather than to feel the need to push back in order to maintain respect.

The kink just occupies the same place as romance does in vanilla couples. Both express dynamic. The romantic walks through the rain to buy a bottle wine for his lover, the submissive for his mistress. One wears a nice shirt she picked for him, the other a chastity device. Kink is just generally more intense and reliable than romance.

This is psychologically comforting because it means we aren't The Other. Xena and I turn out not to be so different from the couple next door - right now he's de-icing the family car while she watches from behind double glazing, drinking hot chocolate. 

It's useful because it shows that you can have a mutually satisfactory D/s experience by just following your inclinations in the context of power exchange. You don't have to be different people. This is particularly important for couples where one partner is no good at roleplay or acting, and quickly becomes self conscious or irritated when asked to do so.

3. Personality determines D/s role, vanilla or otherwise

Despite people's protestations to the contrary, I think people sit on a spectrum of Commander and Champion, and tend to pair up accordingly. I see this in vanilla couples, and in those couples I know with a strong element of BDSM power exchange.

Commanders aren't evil, Champions aren't weak. However, they are different from each other. This from a Psychology Today article on a collection of BDSM studies:

...doms were lower than both the controls and the subs in agreeableness. People who are low in agreeableness tend to be tough rather than tender minded, are willing to make hard decisions, and tend to be bossy and demanding in the way they relate to others. Thus it would seem that people who are into BDSM generally prefer the role that fits their own level of agreeableness. Tough, domineering people would seem to prefer the dominant role, while those who are more tender and willing to please naturally fit into the submissive role.

It's about preference, not status. In the outside world, each may equally well be a leader or a follower. Being a Commander doesn't automatically give you the skills to be socially dominant. Being a Champion doesn't automatically make you any good at nurturing or facilitating. Neither type entitles you to anything.

In long term relationships, a kind of feedback loop seems to move each partner away from the centre, intensifying the dynamic. Couples who resist this fight a lot - but perhaps they have great makeup sex.

This is useful because it suggests that you can infer potential kink compatibility from everyday personality. However this comes with lots of caveats. 

(a) The popular cultural service model of BDSM may put people off their corresponding rules. A Commander doesn't want to service top.  A Champion doesn't want to be the focus as a Bottom.

(b) Fetish, preference, trauma(!) and experience may nudge people into non-Power/Exchange kinky activities e.g. a Commander may enjoy being service topped.

(c) Actual type may be masked by cultural pressure, learned skills, or reaction to bad experiences. The Alpha Male manager may be "performing" alpha male to hide his Champion nature.

Well, that's where I'm at at the moment. What do you think?

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My (tentative) take on D/s and Personality Type

Determined by personality type?

If you float the idea that that D/s preferences might be a reflection of personality type, other kinksters have the urge to sandbag the conversation until it dies.

Nobody wants to be inherently evil, or weak, or have daddy issues, or be a cliched kinky middle manager. And, what little real research there is tells us that there's no correlation between social dominance and sexual dominance.

So it's pointless and divisive! Pile on the sandbags!

Except information about how relationships work is always useful.

For example, just as vanillas need to distinguish love from lust wrapped in romantic fantasy, kinksters need to distinguish D/s compatibility from kinkiness wrapped in D/s fantasy: "Is this me, or just me getting my kicks?"

And, yes, the waters are muddy making research difficult. The meaning of BDSM preferences - kinky activities we like -  depend on the context. Are people satisfying randomly acquired fetishes? Service topping?  Enjoying the physical sensations with a little fantasy thrown in? Messing around..?

However, things get clearer if you rise above all that and consider just the dynamic. Here's my take, and my prediction about what future research will show.

The most obvious question...

"What kind of people are drawn to hierarchical relationships?" 

...turns out to be the least useful, not because the answer is "Random people", but because the answer is "Almost everybody".

Hierarchical relationships are
the human norm.

Hierarchical relationships are the human norm.

It's like the way the "gay question" is dissolving into a realisation that almost everybody is at least potentially bisexual and that this has always been hidden in plain sight. (Duh.) Humans are wired for hierarchy. Our revolutions are about choosing leaders, not abolishing them. If we do abolish leaders, new ones emerge anyway. And so, quite naturally vanilla relationships tend towards hierarchal.

In every relationship I can think of, one partner leads - not dominates, erases, or abuses, just leads. And there's even a study that suggests that couples work better when one partner is in charge.

This is not about gender essentialism. Just as with homosexuality, as we strip away the cultural layer enforcing gender norms, we see a roughly 50/50 split between male and female leadership - and as with bisexuallity, that's always been hidden in plain sight.

Couples even eroticize hierarchy in vanilla ways. Romantic gestures and courtship usually express dynamic. It's perfectly possible to be dominant or submissive in bed without using whips and chains. And we all know apparently vanilla relationships dramatically skewed in the apparent favour of one partner.

This is all normal.

So, I hold that the only real difference between vanilla couples and D/s ones is that the latter express their dynamic using the BDSM toolbox. (Why? is another topic.)

It follows that Dominants and Submissives need have nothing to fear from scrutiny, because in all things other than the whips and chains, they're really very ordinary indeed.

Which brings us to the big question...

"Does personality type determine D/s role?"

If it doesn't, then the core compatibility in all those vanilla couples around you is random, none of them could infer that compatibility before actually dating, and people's most lifestyle-critical decision says nothing about their personality.

Logic and my experience of other people tells me that this is unlikely.

However - before you whack me with the sandbag - it's most certainly not about social dominance.

Social dominance is both situational and a learned skill. Wanting to be in charge is not the same as being any good at it. Also, it's not the Stone Age! Real world leadership roles are rarely about waving a branch and bashing other people into submission. A sexual dominant doesn't need to defeat a submissive partner - except perhaps in werewolf erotica.

(If it were about social dominance there would be a very limited number of dominants rather than one in most couples; or else dominance would be relative, so that Mrs Femdom would keep her husband in chastity, but yearn to go down on her CEO. Successful people would become more dominant as they grew older and gained status - midlife crisis subs wouldn't be a thing!)

Nor can it be about the tired cliches of strength and weakness: the saintly partner who cheerfully revolves around a physically or emotionally weaker spouse is (technically) submissive but very much a pillar of strength.

My take from observing other couples, including the kinky ones, is that people generally divide into Commanders and Champions. Quoting my own blog entry:

Champions are natural joiners, Commander's aren't.

Commanders lead decisively, Champions tend towards consensus building or else implementing/defending existing traditions or practices.

Commanders know what's good for you or an organisation, Champions are all about facilitating.

Commanders build empires, Champions run them. 

Guinevere was a Commander, Lancelot was a Champion.

I'm not claiming it's simple!

Good advice for a conflicted
female Commander 

Each type can learn the behaviour of the opposite type. At work, the Commander can do consensus building (or else). Driven by gender norms, the young male Champion may feel the need to strut around with a pocket full of Red Pills (being Alpha) and the young female Commander may cling to being a good girl (she should Let It Go). And kinky preferences may be in apparent contrast to D/s ones.

People aware of their type often manage it. I'm so easily sucked into clubs and organisations that I almost instinctively avoid joining them. When people unburden to her, my Commander wife has to hold back her urge to try to fix them.

Finally, it doesn't have to be about people at all. An introverted Commander might be most at home managing a network or designing interiors. An introverted Champion might be happiest renovating old buildings or gardening.

So I expect that careful studies will show it's down to personality type after all, but multi-dimensional type of the kind you might measure using the Myers-Briggs, not a single variable like social dominance. However, these studies will only be fruitful if they address the elephant in the room: the way most vanilla couples also have a power dynamic running.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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21 Days Locked in the new and very sinister Custom Chastity Saint

The sinister "Saint"
male chastity
device.

I'm on Day 21 of lockup in the sinister Saint device that Custom Chastity sent me to review.

I've had one, one hour break near the start so I could do wearing/not wearing photos. Otherwise it's stayed on continuously, including for showers and running.

And, it looks like I'm stuck until this time next week, at least. Here's why:

Rewind to roughly a week ago...

"I'm really angry," blazes my wife Xena.  "Ten days angry."

She is angry. I managed to scrape our car. This is a genuine punishment.

"What?" I blurt. Ten days means two more weeks, on top of the first two she settled on to review this new device.

This gets me hard but not erect - the device makes its presence felt.  At the same time it really feels like too much time without an orgasm.

"Locked," she says firmly.

 "Yes mistress."

The locked part is new.

A few days previously, when I was making my nightly report I said, "No problems with the new device. It's so wearable it's sinister."

Me being locked makes Xena more casually dominant.

"How do you mean, sinister?" asked Xena.

"It's been a week and a half and it feels like I only just put it on," I said. "With other devices there was always a sense that it would have to be removed sooner or later because of chafing or skin problems. There was a natural limit. This one feels as of there'll never be a practical reason for removing it. Having limits is like standing on a cliff edge. That makes it sinister."

Xena just gives me the thumbs up.

I think it was Thumper who said something like "A 100 dollar piece of crap won't transform your relationship".

He was right of course. However, my experience is that, like other BDSM toys and tools, it will certainly amplify things that are already there.

In our case, Xena has always liked to control the sex in general and my sexuality in particular. The further into chastity we've gone, the more she wants that control, in part, I think, because it also intensifies our dynamic.

However, she's always worried about practical consequences - injury, getting caught, or me limiting my activities to accommodate our shared fetish.

She's also not interested in any kind of fuss around me. For example, she likes having me constrained, but isn't interested in doing the tying up. So, naturally for her, she finds it pleasing to sentence me to periods of chastity, but doesn't want to be any kind of keyholder, fielding requests for unlocking and taking responsibility again and again.

Nothing changed.
Everything changed.

It now appears that it was only the fear of consequences and dislike of fuss that put the brakes on Xena's tendency to keep me locked.

This new, sinister, male chastity device seem to have taken off those brakes. And, me being locked makes Xena more casually dominant, which creates a feedback loop.

So what can I say about the device itself?

It's so very sinister that there isn't much.

Yes, I'm aware of it from time to time, but it feels more like a matter-of-fact well-designed surgical appliance than a bondage toy.

Though I could pull out the back, I wouldn't want to cum that way. I know from previous experience that I'd end up stretching and chafing the skin of my dick such that I'd need a break from the device, which Xena would know about. Though I could cum without pulling out, I also know that the snug fit would make it literally a bruising experience that would probably have me up and down at night peeing, which Xena would notice. So though I am not minded to cheat, I am also aware that it would be a bad idea.

The round, narrow, base ring means I can close my legs and sleep on my side at night. Compared to a grippy collar ring, it's slightly more likely to slip if I overdo the lotion. However, the narrowness ensures everything lies naturally, meaning no issues of comfort or concealment.

The open cage with paper clip end means I'm so well ventilated I even managed to drip dry one night without a hair dryer. There's never any itching, and it's easy to inspect the skin to check everything is OK.

Compared to a tube design, the penis is much more exposed to stimulation. However, that accessibility means that it's easy to realign the head on those rare occasions when it has turtled or squirmed out of position. When I unzip to pee, I'm already properly aligned nine times out of ten.

The two downsides are (i) that the shape of the paperclip head is visible through thin underpants, if you look for it, and (ii) the paperclip can catch on the waistband of underpants if you remove them with too much gusto.

Feels pretty sinister to me.

I've previously managed 23 days in a Custom Chastity device, and though I think I could have gone on indefinitely, you'll see from that blog entry that it was something of an adventure, an experience to be managed. And, looking back, all that management was fatiguing such that it was a relief to unlock at the end, even though I didn't want to.

My experience of the Custom Chastity Saint is quite different. Basically I put it on and wore it. I did sport, work meetings, the pub... all with total confidence.

Nothing changed. Everything changed.

Which feels pretty sinister to me.

(Custom Chastity haven't yet added the "Saint" to their regular shop. However, I'm sure it's coming soon, unlike me. If you want one sooner than that, it's worth emailing them.)

UPDATE: Ended up going 30 days with no showstopping problems.

UPDATE AUGUST 2019: Summer was less kind to the device. The warmer weather made everything swell a little. The gap I'd picked was too tight, and caused chafing in the angle between cock and balls. Also, any kind of turtling now resulted in my cock catching on the underside of the "C" ring, so getting stuck in the barrel, which required manual intervention. Finally, the device wasn't quite like being naked - it still required vigilance to prevent the build up of dry skin, and to stop the "B" ring area getting damp.

The first issue was my fault, and easily resolved. The remaining issues were common to most chastity devices and I thought nothing of them until I devised a fix. I wrote about the resulting custom device here.

---

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How to choose a male chastity device 2: Ball Gripping Chastity Devices

The classic ball-gripping CB2000,
 the first modern chastity device.

There's a reason why the standard format male chastity device is the ball-gripper. They're much more forgiving than the full belt (see first article), and far more practical. A good one, like the device I'm locked into right now, lies naturally and even lets you close your legs.

Components

Male chastity devices generally comprise:

• A base ring that goes around your genitals.
• Cage or tube that constrains your dick. It works with the base ring to trap your balls.
• Some kind of locking mechanism, typically a padlock or cable tie, but increasingly a "magic locker".

Security: A Non-Issue

KHD and Holy Trainer 2 devices:
Tubes, magic locker locking mechanisms
and base rings. 

The obvious issue is security. Without a piercing, you can in pull out the back and get off.

This doesn't negate the device's anti-infidelity properties - imagine trying to explain the cage to a pickup! And you certainly couldn't have sex with it hanging from your balls.  However, most male chastity fans are more focused on preventing masturbation.

This kind of security looms large in the minds of chastity novices - it's what put me off from buying a CB2000 all those years ago. However it's usually a non-issue in a relationship. Here's why:

• In some mammals the male erection is an expression of dominance. Even if that doesn't apply to humans, having our erection controlled is a very intimate "violation" of self. Thus wearing a chastity device can make us too submissive to simply pull out.
• Submissives like us find it impossible to lie to our dominants. 
• Masturbating while wearing the device can chafe, stretch the skin and cause other highly visible problems, some potentially requiring removal of the device.
• After days or weeks of enjoying plateau sensations, solo masturbation can be climatic and depressing anyway. Doing so with the knowledge that you had erased your submission would be pretty grim.
• Self esteem.

Self-chastity outside of a relationship is more complex, but similar factors seem to come into play.

So though not technically secure, for most practical purposes a ball-gripper is an effective anti-masturbation device.

A Note on Variations on the Ball Gripping Chastity Device

There are variations on the standard format.

Oxballs stretch to fit device

The Oxballs Cocklock merges all three into a single stretch-to-fit device.

I'm pretty sure this is the start of the mainstreaming of our fetish. However - given the lack of ventilation - it's not really intended for wearing long-term.

Silicone device with
security strap.

Various silicone devices purport to be OK for long-term wear and use a security strap.

I'm not convinced by these, but haven't tried them. I won't be talking about these directly, though some of my remarks may help.

Finally you have tube only devices relying on piercings. The utterly coolest is the permanent(!) titanium chastity device produced by this craftsman.

These obviously work, but I actually "like" not being able to get erect, so again I won't be discussing these directly.

Next Time

Next time I'll talk about the choice of base ring, and how to specify the right "gap".

---

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How to choose a male chastity device 1: Ball Gripping Chastity Device or Full Chastity Belt?

I'm on my eighth male chastity device, and perhaps my twelfth combination of base rings and cages. And that's not counting early DIY efforts. I've also worn mostly 24/7 for several years. So here's my take on choosing a male chastity device.

Full chastity belts are the stuff of fantasy!

Full chastity belts are the stuff of fantasy. Inescapable and secure without a piercing! Totally suppression of erections! Visually neutering (if that's what you like)!

Better yet, the good ones look really photogenic as long as you have the body for it. Go look how cool Ruffled Sheets looks in his chastity belt.

What's not to want?

My debut novel featured a full belt, as did my DIY chastity devices, but I haven't looked into getting a proper one.

Here's why not.

Full chastity belts that don't fit perfectly quickly unwearable. There's so much that can go wrong!

Totally suppression of erections!

The tube opening must marry up to the penis, or cause chafing or worse. The girdle has to hug the hips or waist or else cause more chafing.

Finally there are the rear plumbing arrangements! Pick one from: security and sore buttocks (from chains); security and gross toilet experiences due to a metal G-string; or possible security trusting in the girdle being stiff enough to keep the cage in place.

Essentially, you are ordering an exoskeleton over the Internet, based on measurements alone!

This means either going for a (comparatively) expensive one from Behind Barz, or else a Chinese from Amazon or DHGate and having the tools and expertise to modify it yourself.

Even if they do fit right, I'm not convinced that full belts are truly practical for open-ended 24/7 wear.

A rigid girdle can't be good for the back, and I couldn't do yoga while wearing one. A solid groin bump also seems a bit too discoverable. I can't imagine wearing it onto a client sight, and certainly not through any kind of security.

Sure, if I had the money, I would order one up. But I wouldn't expect to wear it for more than a couple of days at a time. It would be for BDSM rather than chastity lifestyle.

So my advice on full male chastity belts is: consider carefully whether this fits your actual needs, and do extensive research before gambling time and money on getting one.

---

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The Custom Chastity Saint - 5 days in

Just a quick follow up on the review I posted of the Custom Chastity "Saint".

I put the device on on Saturday, took it off briefly for a due diligence check on Tuesday, and so I could do wearing/not wearing photos.

So far there have been no problems. I think I wake up "stuck in the barrel" more often than I did in the double-ring device, but the open design makes it easy to poke myself back into place.

I've been jogging twice, and there was less sweat build up than with the Ghost. The cage format makes hygiene no problem. With other devices, I usually get a build up of dead skin after a couple of days. This isn't a show stopper, but it does mean a bit of careful messing around with a Q-tip. There's no sign of this with the Saint.

So there's still no practical reason for removing the thing...

---

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Best long-term cage ever? Reviewing the Custom Chastity Saint (with pictures)

Custom Chastity Saint

"How long do you think I should wear it?" I ask.

I'm kneeling at the foot of the bed, massaging Xena's legs and feet, and "enjoying" the constricted feeling of trying to get hard inside my new Saint cage, which Lady Fox of Custom Chastity sent me to review.

"How long did you do last time you did a review?" she asks.

"A couple of weeks," I say.

"Oh well then," says my wife. "Do two to three weeks."

An electric pulse seems to run through my cage. "What about my orgasm?" I say. "I'm due one in a couple of days.

It really is a cage

"Tough," she says.

And now, of course, I really am horny but can't do anything about it.

I'm not, however, worried about open-ended lockup in the new Saint cage. It feels like the most practical device I've owned.

I know!

Each new chastity device has felt like a major improvement on the last: home made full belt to Chinese cage, to Holy Trainer 2, to a range of Custom Chastity devices.

And, every time I get a new Custom Chastity device to review, it's the Holy Grail, until the next one surpasses it.

Sales pitch: designed for maximum teasing.
(I think this version has  slider for a piercing.) 

And this one really does surpass everything I've worn, with a couple of caveats because it really is a cage, and a minimalist one at that.

As you can see from their sales pitch on social media, it's really designed for maximum teasing potential rather than security. There's a lot of exposed flesh! (For pics, see below the cut).

I'm not sure I'd want to have an orgasm while wearing it though!

When I experimented with pulling out with a previous model, getting hard and jerking off stretched the skin and caused very nasty chafing. I also know what getting off while actually locked hurts and is likely to leave my cock puffy and bruised, and irritate my urethra enough to have me peeing more frequently for a day or so.

Wearing

All the more reason for the wearer to resist teasing, if that's what's on the menu. It's also a sort of security - a well-fitted device makes your dick "cheating evident" which is as good as it gets without a piercing.

Teasing is certainly not on Xena's menu. In fact I think from her point of view, the new device shows off rather too much dick. However, the compensation is the practicality.

Not wearing

For a start, it really is a cage, rather than a tube with vents.  That means sweat vents easily, dead skin doesn't accumalate, and it's really easy to wash and dry; there appear to be no dead zones.

The startlingly minimalist head section, almost like a big bent paperclip, makes it really easy to adjust the position of your dick (though it's not so gappy that I could squeeze my head out).

I find I'm mostly lined up to pee when I down-zip, but if I'm not, then it's easy to align properly. Similarly, if I'm stuck in the barrel due to night turtling, it's a simple matter to poke a finger in and retrieve the errant member. Oh, and of course, there's nowhere for pee to collect.

(I suspect that the easy access would benefit an "uncut" wearer, i.e. one with an intact foreskin, making it simple to retract and clean and so on.)

Finally, it's even lighter than the other Custom Chastity devices I've worn. I found that my first surgical nylon device weighed less than its padlocks. This one, having even less fabric, weighs even less. I am barely aware it's there.

Then we come to the specific options I picked, namely a single thickness base ring and magic locker (which I expect will be standard with this model), and the material.

You'll see from the profile picture above that the pubic bulge is about the same whether or not I'm wearing!

The funny thing about being straight male chastity fetishist is that you have no idea of what a male groin should look like. As you can see from my pictures, there is always a pronounced bulge as seen from the side. This chastity device lies naturally enough to not make it significantly more pronounced.

The low profile is partly down to the magic locker, but also because of the single-thickness ring. There's a pay-off here between grip on the one hand, and hygiene and low profile. I think the single ring is more likely to shift than the double, but it's easier to clean and less obtrusive.

The material, as always, is surgical nylon with an eggshell finish. I've never had a problem with it, and find the texture makes it less sticky when my head presses against it. It's also pretty much indestructible unless somebody takes a cutter to it. This is about what you'd want for 24/7 wear... just in case you end up in an ambulance.

What does it look like on? Pictures below the cut, and - in case you came here direct - below the line.

Whipped while tethered by the chastity device! (testing the Custom Chastity Ghost with attachment point)

Custom Chastity Ghost with
attachment point.

Sunday night. I'm massaging Xena's back while getting hard in my chastity device and feeling nervous about what's to come.

I'm locked into a slightly updated Custom Chastity custom Ghost. Lady Fox sent me a new ring with a 7mm gap and an attachment point.

It's been a busy weekend. Xena sighs. "I suppose we'd better get through some of your demerits, slave."

She's only recently started calling me that when she wants total control. Just hearing it makes my cock twitch in its cage. It doesn't help that I haven't come for nearly two weeks.

Strap (gift from Fred Norman!)
plus spring hook.

I strip off, bring out the whip box, and then - for the first time - clip a strap to the attachment point on the underside of my base ring. The strap goes over the bedpost. I get onto my hands and knees and pull it tight.

Suddenly I'm helplessly kneeling, backed up against the bed post, effectively immobilised and awaiting my wife's pleasure.

The system is as smooth as I imagined. No bulky equipment to bring out of hiding, no straps to fiddle with. The whole procedure takes less than a minute and requires zero input from Xena.

Our whip box. (Velcro spreader/stocks to left)

That's why I asked for the attachment point. Xena loves whipping me, but is irritated by having to mess around with velcro or buckles. In an ideal world, she'd stride into a dedicated dungeon room to find me already spread out on a St Andrew's cross. I suspect it's to do with feeling in control.

I had worried that the little loop would have got in the way, or snagged on my scrotum. However, it made no difference to the wearability.

"I'm helpless, mistress," I announce.

"Good," she says. And she reads her book for what must be quarter of an hour while I kneel there naked, a little uncomfortable, and nervous.

Finally, I hear her swing out of bed, pad over to the whip box. There's a swish and unbelievable pain blossoms over my back.

I yelp.

"Slave!" she admonishes.

"Sorry mistress."

The next blow is just as painful, but I manage to reduce my reaction to just a gasp. By the fifth blow, I'm whimpering.

A very submissive posture!

Looking back, the ergonomics were perfect for her. The spreader/stockade we have puts me too low on the ground, makes me too hard a target. Often the whips hit with just the tip, or land spent or in odd places.

The other alternative - me chained across the foot of the bed - works better. However, it's slow to set up and means I'm taking up bed space.

That's the other thing. Chained by the balls on your hands and knees - that's a very submissive position! In the right circumstances submission brings out the worst in us.

So it's physically and mentally easy for Xena, my vanilla acting wife, to cheerfully whip the hell out of me.

She switches to something stingier and my sobs turn to muffled yelps.

With all my twitching and flinching, I put considerable strain on the attachment point. However the surgical nylon material is tough, and copes with no problem. In addition, all that tugging has no effect on my cock, which stays strapped on its constricting cage.

She pads around to stand in front of me. She's wearing comfy bed socks tonight, but this would be sexy as hell if she was wearing boots.

Now she lays into my raised buttocks.

I make little screeches.

"Oh, that one really hurts then," she remarks.

She gets back onto the bed and the vibrator buzzes. I can only kneel and listen while my cock twitches hopelessly in its cage.

At length she finishes up, gives me ten more strokes that leave me with tears in my eyes.

"Right," she says, "Bed. Put everything away, slave."

Easy for Xena, my vanilla acting wife,
to cheerfully whip the hell out of me.

So aftercare is me unstrapping myself, packing away whips and straps.

As I get back into pyjamas, I ask, "How was that for speed and convenience, mistress, for my review?"

"Perfect," she says. "Better than everything else."

"Oh," I say, "You didn't tell me lockup for tomorrow."

"Stay locked," she says.

"What? It's my orgasm day."

"Too bad, slave," she says. "Now go to sleep."

"Hang on," I say. "Does that cancel the day or do I get to cum Tuesday?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow, depending on the state of the house. Now go to sleep, slave."

"Yes, mistress."

Lady Fox's diabolical contraptions
have turned me into my wife's slave!

But of course I lie there, back stinging, muzzled groin throbbing. I've spent my entire adult life craving whippings of this intensity. Now I'm getting them as routine.

And Xena just takes her dominance for granted. There's no posturing, no play acting.

It's no exaggeration to say that it's male chastity devices that got us to this point. There's something primal and real about the submission they imply. The more practical, the more wearable my device, the more real our dynamic has felt.

This year our FLR contract negotiation comprised of Xena establishing that she was in charge, I had no choice about this, and chastity was mandatory.

So you could argue that the scarily practical, indefinitely wearable devices we've had from Custom Chastity are responsible for our final slide into a deep Femdom dynamic.

Yes, Lady Fox's diabolical contraptions have turned me into my wife's slave!

---

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Are Some Men Who Slut Shame Fighting Submissive Urges?

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls",
but that didn't stop her from having sex.

There was a girl at my High School when everybody was younger than they should have been, and she had sex at a party.

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls", but that didn't stop her from having sex.

And we all teased her. We slut shamed her.

I slut shamed her.

And she called me on it. The conversation went:

Me: "Ha ha. I hear you got up to things at the weekend. Fnar fnar."
Her (brightly): "Yes I had sex at a party. It was fun."
Me: "Oh... OK."

I think I apologised. I hope I did. And though we were never quite friends, I think we got along fine from then on.

Looking back I feel both shame and confusion.

The shame part is obvious. Even back then I was "anti-sexist", but here was a young woman starting to explore her sexuality and I was one of the baying idiots fucking it up for her. Thank god she (seemed) to have a thick skin. My excuse is that it was the 1980s, sex education was poor, and I was insecure enough to succumb to pack behaviour - she'd also have been teased if she had accidentally set light to her bedroom or had some other non-sexual mishap. Even so, I still feel ashamed.

Slut shaming is hardly in
the interest of straight males!

The confusion... well slut shaming is confusing.

For a start, slut shaming is hardly in the interest of straight males!

Surely, men want to encourage women to embrace their sexuality. And, wouldn't individual men gain a dating advantage by appearing to offer a safe space for exploration?

Also, it can't be about morality.

Even if you are on the conservative end of the moral spectrum, surely there are far more pressing issues in the world than whether an academic shops at Victoria's Secret!

So to me, the misogyny behind slut shaming looks very much like gynophobia - some men are afraid of the power of female sexuality.

I'm certainly one of those, so much so that I have fetishized fear itself. I've always been attracted to sexual women, and always been afraid of them. But what was I afraid of?

What are men afraid of? What is this mysterious power female sexuality is supposed to confer? How can dressing in stockings and a basque, for example, possibly be "empowering"?

Some men faced by sexual women
feel a submissive undertow...

The elephant in the room is Femdom.

I suspect that just as homophobia often hides homosexual desires, gynophobia must often - not always - hide strong submissive drives.

I don't mean that all gynophobes have detailed, torrid Femdom fantasies churning below the surface. I think it's more primal and disturbing for them than that.

I think Femdom is part of the range of natural human sexual relationships, one of the sweet spots that's evolved over the millennia. It's there in some of us whether we like it or not.

Some men faced by sexual women feel a submissive undertow. They can't articulate it, but it threatens to rob them of their autonomy and destroy the story they tell themselves about their masculinity.

So they push back, deny loudly, and thus they slut shame.

I don't think repressed submissive urges are the only reason why men slut shame. However, I would hope that as society becomes less kink phobic, men with submissive urges will understand and accept their drives and stop behaving like dicks.

Wouldn't it be nice if we saw more Femdom and less slut shaming?

---

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Why Evolutionary Psychology isn't very practically useful when thinking about Femdom (or any BDSM) Relationships

I'd rather be a hardwired pervert
than a Freudian-made one.

I like Evolutionary Psychology. It's a great parlour game, real studies by real scientists are fascinating, and I've found it helpful to see that my submissive sexuality might actually fit into a more primal setting: I'd rather be a hardwired pervert than a Freudian-made one.

However, whatever you think of the value of it as a science, Evolutionary Psychology is not actually very practically useful in Femdom or BDSM.

Partly this is because it's hard to disentangle nature and nurture.

Mostly, though, it's because Evolutionary Psychology is redundant!

Why go from (A)  observations of the modern world to (B) hypothesising based on a hypothetical palaeolithic, and (C) then back to acting the modern world? You can just skip the middle step and ask, "What works?"

And most of what what works boils down to: 

• Don't be an ass or a loser. 
• Take social risks to form new relationships.
• Listen to people and take them seriously.
• Date for broader compatibility, not just kink (because a lot of people are secretly kinky or kink-amenable).
• Ask for things you want, but focusing on what's in it for your partner.
• Don't try to be dominant with a dominant potential partner.

That last should be pretty obvious! 

If you insist on taking the palaeolithic view: presumably a dominant palaeolithic woman would want a mate who would be good at wrestling cave bears, but also do as he's told. 

However, that's working backwards from the thing we observe anyway, to a hypothesis that doesn't help guide our behaviour.

Which is my point.

---

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Ask Giles: What do I do once I've locked my husband in chastity?

You need to know what the chastity is about first! It can be one or all of the following:

About you controlling his orgasm. If so, then you can - and he's probably hoping you will - use that power to get things you want. Have him earn his orgasm through chores and pampering, and bedroom service.

About him being locked. If so, then fun is to be had from the fact he can't get off, or even get his dick out. You don't actually have to unlock him to tease him. Just put on sexy clothing and let him pleasure you. For added points, have him wear a strapon to simulate normal sex - there's nothing quite so exquisitely frustrating. And of course there's sexting, little sexy tasks for him during the day, and - if it's his bag - tormenting him by making him wear panties and so on.

About you being penis-free. If so, enjoy getting what you want in bed without any effort on your part, and without the messy finish. Don't even let him mention his dick or his frustration. The effect on him will probably be the same as the previous option, but with less work for you.

And of course you can move between all three of these...

---

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Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"

"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"

"Expand?"

I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:

Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.

So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away

What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...

---

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