8 months into "permanent" chastity and everything looks different (or at least the past does)

"How long do you think I've been locked?" I ask.

"Oh," says Xena, yawning, "is it a year now."

My penis goes off like an airbag, filling its cage. "No... it's just been seven months." (This is about 3 weeks ago, as of the time of writing.)

"That's nice," says Xena. "Rub my feet."

And I do...

What gets me, what turns me on horribly and deliciously scares me, is that she's so blasé about it.

My wife is not remotely keeping count, nor is she particularly interested in milestones. The idea that it might be a year neither excites nor worries her. It didn't get her horny, nor did it she suddenly feel the need to check in with me.

The Custom Chastity devices were always darkly exciting because they made long term wear 24/7 plausible. The customised Saint was a step up because it removed all possible practical impediments. Putting it on was like getting a thrill by standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at a stormy ocean.  Xena, assured that I can swim in that ocean, has cheerfully pushed me in.

So now I'm nearly at the 8 month mark, and Xena is still treating my "permanent" chastity as if it were, well, permanent. A body modification. Or, perhaps, a move to a different city. Sure, we'll probably move again, but there's no hurry...

She has the same attitude to our FLR. We passed the five year mark last month. I got a "Well done. This still suits me too." and the conversation moved on. Clearly chaste, obedient Giles is just the natural and proper state of things for her.

However, despite her casualness about them, the milestones do seem to have one effect on her: she's become secure in her dominance. She just assumes I'll do as I'm told, gets irritated when I don't, and is totally ready to ply the cane on my rear on a nightly basis if required.

Where does this leave me? Happy with my sex life, for a start. For the first time ever, I don't have an alternative fantasy Giles running in the background. Repression takes energy.

Totally owning my submission, or being totally owned by it, has, however, forced me into an internal journey reassessing my past relationships and upbringing.

I keep coming back to a point made by Jillian Keenan (successful serious journalist and self-outed spanking fetishist) in Sex with Shakespeare:  Being spanked as a child was traumatic for her because she was already wired (by circulation and nerve endings) to be a spanking fetishist. Whereas other people might experience a spanking as violence, she experienced it as a sexual violation. She's not alone in this, so her message is "Don't spank children - it's a sex act."

So... I wasn't spanked. However, I did experience my family as "controlling" and tended to have (again) controlling girlfriends. I also grew up feeling that other people were judgemental and excluding. Going to school was about being bullied.

This picture quickly breaks down when you look closely at it.

My elder brother didn't give a shit and did his own thing, with no consequences. If he could, then why couldn't I? My controlling girlfriends... well I picked them. Some of them were really hot. Almost all of them pushed my buttons. There's a social rough and tumble to any community of young people - the crap flies around almost randomly. It only sticks if it you let it.

I was bullied at school, but I've heard far worse stories from people who seem far less damaged by it.

How about this narrative instead?

I was always submissive, which in turn made me both easy to dominate, and at the same time made being dominated a double violation - not in a sexual way, but rather because it made me experience powerless in the face of my own nature.

My family weren't controlling, I was easily controlled and resented that. My girlfriends tended to be dominant, but I liked them that way (though wouldn't admit it). Socially, my nature made me sensitive to being judged by other people, and unable to shrug off the usual young person stuff.

Bullying? Yes, that was real. Not just physical, but swatting and shunning and the whole works. However, what made it particularly damaging is that it made me experience powerlessness - something intimate and vulnerable for me - at the hands of horrid people.

Just like Jillian Keenan and her experience with spanking, it wasn't being controlled that made me a submissive, it was being submissive made me easy to control - and that experience of unjust powerlessness was damaging.

This insight makes me feel better about my past and the people in it. It also reassures me that my submission and masochism are not not just a way of erotcising past traumas, or evidence that I am stuck in them.

I wish this had happened to me ten years ago.

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A Hard Chastity Manifesto?

The problem with permanent chastity is that though we are justified it to mean "sealed in long term chastity" it sounds more like a claim to perpetual chastity, which is both unrealistic, and not usually what people intend.

I think "Hard Chastity" is a better term.

"Hard" has meanings like firm, unyielding, unsentimental, unsympathetic/lacking compassion, harsh/rigid, and  we use the terms like "hard vacuum", "hard agreement" and "hard time".

So I propose that we use "Hard Chastity" to describe the starkest device-based chastity practices, with the scope limited to the genitals - no pedantic nitpicking around "it's not hard chastity unless you sleep in separate rooms and only think pure thoughts:

• Chastity Device is sealed such that release requires a positive decision. This means that a combination of time, expense and care deter casual release or escape.  A cable-tie or a cheap padlock don't count. Nor does the device come off for cleaning, teasing or whatever.
• The Chastity Device is a done deal or body modification. The Dominant (if they exist) is not a "keyholder".  There's no dialogue around locking and unlocking, nor is hard chastity used as leverage or currency. The dominant can - and probably will - order release at some point, but this will not be a casual decision. In general, in Hard Chastity, no aspect of the relationship is about your genitals.
• No orgasms other than wet dreams and spontaneous ejaculations. It's not hard chastity if you or your partner are getting you off with pegging or milking. 
• Expected to last at least 3 months, open ended at least to 9 months. In hard chastity, you accept to your state rather than endure until release. Three months is the average time to adjust to a new condition. Nine months is the same time again twice, to ensure that time adjusted is more significant than time adjusting. (This point implies that the device has to be fit for long term wear.)

So, "sealed", "done deal", "no orgasms" and "open ended".

The last point is the one I'm not quite sure about. When Xena had me seal myself in, I expected to be stuck for a month or so, not seven months and counting. What's should the time stipulation be?

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What counts as permanent chastity?

Nothing lasts forever! Permanent chastity can't, logically, be perpetual because something is bound to crop up between now and the end of life requiring removal. So what do we really mean? What should we really mean?

First, we shouldn't lose sight of the technical definition of a permanent joint:

A permanent joint usually cannot be disassembled without destroying the parts or damaging their surfaces. The. main types of permanent joints are riveted, welded, soldered, pressed, cemented, rolled, and combined (such as cemented and welded).

So, if your device is sealed such that you can't escape without tools, then on that count you are plausibly in permanent chastity. Not, however, if you are merely locked (since locks can be picked).

Even so, permanent has a sense of the open-ended.  Take a look at the definition of permanent employment:

Permanent employees.... do not have a predetermined end date to employment... Even when employment is "at will", permanent employees... are generally protected from abrupt job termination... [However] rarely does "permanent employment" mean employment of an individual that is guaranteed throughout the employee's working life. 

So, you might take a "permanent" job knowing you will be moving country in two years, for example. And you can be unexpectedly fired from a permanent job. So, if your chastity is supposed to be open-ended but not necessarily indefinite, and if the promise of release isn't an incentive, then it still counts as permanent.

However, there's one more definition, regarding time:

lasting for a long time or for ever

That acts as a baseline for everything else. If you quit a "permanent" job after three days, you wouldn't normally think of it as permanent! So what counts as "a significant time period for chastity"?

I think, at least long enough for it to become business as usual.

That means at least 1 month, because it takes 2-4 weeks for peak horniness to fade into a kind of background itch. So I think if your adventure was terminated for you at that point, it wasn't permanent.

If you google, the period of adjustment for forming new habits is about 3 months, which is also roughly  a season. So if you pass three months before things go wrong - or your partner orders your release - you experienced permanent chastity.

However, I think for any of this to count, you have to enter the adventure with the realistic expectation to go longer than that such that the period after adjustment will be much more significant than the period before: another 6 months, taking the minimum expected period to 9 months.

So, for me, it's permanent chastity if the device is sealed and expected to stay on for at least 9 months.

Perhaps the best way to think of it is that it's like you and your partner moved to a new city for work. It might not be forever, but it will take a positive decision to move elsewhere. For now it's your lifestyle.

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A Therapist On How To Love An Angry Woman (And Why Not To)

A therapists talks about loving angry women, and why it's a bad idea. Go read!

He doesn't really touch on why:

My conscious mind said, “Get away from this woman. She’s dangerous.” My subconscious mind, the mind that was attracted to danger and excitement said, “Hmm. This could be interesting.”
We dated for a few months and the time together left me exhilarated and exhausted. I wanted to leave, but I also wanted more. Anyone who has been in a relationship like this knows the addictive draw that some of us have to danger and excitement.
We got married despite most of my friend’s warnings. I thought they just couldn’t see her wonderful side. And there was a wonderful side. She was intelligent, adventurous, inventive, and very, very sexy. I had my own anger issues and there was a quality of a moth attracted to the flame. Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional families confuse love with addiction and excitement with risk-taking.

Yeah, right. Thing is, I recognise this. My first relationship (mid teens) was abusive.

Looking back, I can see I was in the grip of my underlying submissive/masochistic "orientation". If I'd known that was a thing, I would have avoided a lot of toxic relationships.

I also have this sense that some angry women would be less angry and maybe happy if it was OK to be dominant (not necessarily erotically). Normative roles are constricting.

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Were the Victorians Right About Masturbation? (I Haven't Wanked for For Six Months!)

I haven't masturbated since
last time we had sex - 6 months ago.

I haven't masturbated since last time we had sex - that was about 6 months ago. For those who've just tuned it, that's because I'm currently sealed in permanent chastity.

All this means that I find myself in the odd position of living the now-despised Victorian dream of abstinence from self pollution. 

Victorians had odd ideas about
masturbation.

If you read up on Victorian sexual attitudes you'll find they were clearly bonkers and often evil in their extreme attitude to masturbation, based as it was on pseudo science, with rubbish about "preserving the precious seed" and so on. 

And obviously, this was driven by dodgy entrepreneurs and sadists who wanted to sell you a "cure" or hack away at your privates or those of your offspring (in particular, some of the stories about cures for female masturbation are utterly horrifying).

And, if you pay attention to modern research, you'll see that porn in itself isn't actually a problem. Rational experts will tell you it can actually make you a better more pleasure seeking lover. If vanilla porn fosters unrealistic expectations, then that's more an issue with early sex education, not the material itself. 

Modern research shows porn
in itself isn't actually a problem. 

Even so, I'm feeling benefits in not being able to wank.

Some of them clearly derive from living the life I've fantasised about for so long, and would be the same if instead I'd suddenly come out as gay, or written that literary best seller and winning the Booker Prize. Living a fantasy double life is a waste of resources.

However, I'm starting to suspect that me just not being able to masturbate is a good thing.

Maybe the perhaps instinctive ambivalence about masturbation is grounded in the reality that it's a substitute activity. If it's your only adult source of sexual gratification, then you're not engaging with the real world, not the erotic possibilities, not the people, and perhaps even non-sexual activities that would better your lot. 

As it is, I now spend much less time online gathering images for my masturbation slideshows, and no longer waste hours tinkering with unfinishable erotica projects. I'm also fully engaged with the here and now with my wife. I work harder to keep the spark in our relationship, rather than letting things slide, and get more of an erotic kick out of our every intimacy.

(CS Lewis was kinky, btw)

I'm also aware that - ironically - if I hadn't had masturbation as an outlet, I would have lived out my fetish dreams far earlier!  

If your response to feeling horny is always to jerk off, rather than to seek or improve your sex life, then your life isn't going to improve. That's doubly true for fetishists, for whom the barrier to "doing it for real" is far higher than for more vanilla folk. 

So, though I think masturbation is itself a good thing, I think a lifestyle based around getting a private fetish fix off the internet is a bad thing. 

Or put it another way: imagine if the White Witch cursed as so that all malesubs wake up in inescapable chastity on their 21st birthday? The munches and clubs would be full...

So in a weird way, the more kinky you are, the more right the Victorians were about masturbation (while still being mostly wrong).

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How Permanent Chastity Has Freed Me! (Guess what? Being sexually repressed takes time and energy!)

"Our relationship has changed."

"Our relationship has changed", I say. It's last night. I'm rubbing Xena's feet after a long day socialising.

"How?" she asks.

"You feel more in charge," I say. "For real. Like you just take it for granted."

"Yes I do... do the instep... is that good or bad?"

My penis heaves against its bars. It's been more than four months now. "Good," I say. "I can't imagine it not being good."

OK, realistically, the permanent chastity is just permanent as in "that window is permanently nailed shut". I can't possibly be trapped like this forever. However, my submission is now permanent. A couple of years ago, Xena said she could't imagine living any other way, nor could I. Now, any remaining doubt has gone. This is how we both work best as people and as a couple.

This is good not just as in, "Hurrah I'm a submissive and I get to submit!" It's also very suddenly freed up a lot of mental real estate.

At the end of my journey.

It turns out being sexually repressed takes up time and energy. I've spent years pondering my sexuallity, fantasising through writing Femdom fiction and...

A lot of the BDSM and chastity activities I used to obsess over, were only important because they pointed to to 24/7/???? submission and chastity.

Waking in chastity.

Spending a week locked.

Spending 24 hours as a slave.

Being disciplined.

Suddenly it's all technically possible, emotionally practical, relationship-friendly.

And here I am at the end of my journey.

I'm living my fantasy.

There's nothing left to think about. And no more stories I need to tell.

I've gone from "what if somebody got trapped in chaste submission" to "what if somebody ended up in my situation?" I don't need to explore my kink through fiction or blogging because I'm exploring all the doable stuff in real life.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up erotica, just that it's suddenly less important to me. There are still otherwise inaccessible places erotica can take me. However, I can now be fully Giles just by being alive. I don't need a fantasy life any more.

It doesn't even matter that porno tumblr has gone. My main activity there was to build a masturbation play list - actually, tumbview will still serve up a nice slideshow! - but masturbation is off the cards.

What can't escape is the memories I'm building. 

So, I'm in chains, but - thus - my mind is free.

What can't escape is the memories I'm building.

Like last night, when Xena had me put on nipple clips and kneel in the corner and while she used the vibrator. After a while she let me put my head under the covers to watch, then insert my fingers.

Her vagina rippled around my digits like a devouring monster. My poor lost cock hammered like a second heart while my nipples added two points of pain to make a triangle of exquisite sensation.

Then she had me put away the sex toys and come to bed.

I lay there in the dark with her asleep beside me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the vibrator nuzzling her pussy.

And I can see it now.

It's going to be an interesting chaste year....

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How many men are locked in chastity? More statistics (Still permanently locked, by the way)

Earlier I guesstimated 1 in 400 men in the developed world have male chastity as part of their lifestyle.

Somebody over on Chastity Mansion quoted a rumour that AL Enterprises had passed 1 million sales a while back.

Grinding the statistics:

• Male population of developed world 500 million
• AL Enterprise devices sold 1 million
• Men owning AL Enterprise device, 1 in 500.

Also, if 10% of men are active malesubs:

• Male subs owning an AL Enterprise device, 1 in 50.

I think anybody buying a device costing more than USD 100 wants it as part of their lifestyle, so this 1 in 500 seems very close to my original guesstimate of 1 in 400 men are locked.

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