FAQ: How do I dominate my partner? (It's what they want)

My first book is supposed to help them to empower you to dominate them. Get them to read that.

If you have the time, try my second book How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

But if you're in a rush, if they're nagging and wheedling and you sort of want to dominate them, but feel a little lost, here's the potted version:

Tell your partner that, before any of their submissive fantasies can make it onto the menu, you need to explore your dom side. Tell them that this means - in session - you'll be doing exactly what you want, there'll be no make-believe, no play, except the fiction of the power exchange. Warn them that they'll be tested.

To prepare, rewind and work out what vanilla things you enjoy might extend into being a dom. If you're flirt, perhaps you'd like to tease. If you're sometimes a bit controlling, great, this is you opportunity to control. If you enjoy being served, congratulations, you have a slave for the evening, or day, or weekend...
When you do have a session, of course you can't physically dominate your partner. However, you can completely dominate them by controlling all the action and making sure it revolves around you.

Have a whip to hand and be ready to use it to chivy them along. Assuming safety, hit them hard enough to get the response YOU want. The fact of the whipping may turn them on, but they'll still flinch and obey. The monkey self doesn't like getting hurt.

When they're not busy serving you, or being victimised, they should be waiting on you quietly, kneeling at your feet or standing at your shoulder, without squirming or complaining....

In fact, that last, is probably a good place to start.

Make them run the gauntlet of quiet submission before they get to the good stuff. "fetch my book. Pour my wine. Now kneel at my feet and wait." And make them wait, really wait, long enough to get bored, then turned on by the fact they're bored and can't do anything about it.

Eventually, once you have explored what you want from domming, then there's an opportunity for those of their fantasies that fit, as entries, interludes and finales--if they still want them :)

For spicing up your sex life with some time-limited FLR and Femdom, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Reader reviews of "The Vanilla Dominatrix"

Focus on the end result...

Some of the people to whom I gave review copies are finally producing Feedback.

"A breath of fresh air"
"baggyone72" of the Fetlife community provided some useful suggestions for the second edition and was kind enough to say:

Overall I liked the book very much. It certainly opened up possible avenues for me to explore, and potentially is something that my wife can also accept. I love the idea of a "part-time slave" and the fact that the biggest hurdle is in selling the product. Your book was a breath of fresh air - I am sick of books/websites on "female led relationships" and the like where the only way is to become a doormat/houseboy...which in my case is never going to happen;
a) my wife wouldn't let it happen, she is quite traditional in her view of marital roles.
b) I'm not interested in fawning and doing all the domestic chores 100% of the time.

Old dog new tricks!

Meanwhile,  Fred Norman, veteran kinkster and maker of amazing whips told me:

Really excellent, Giles.  An A+  I see where and why I've made mistakes in the past.

However, he did point out that not everybody would get my Briticisms! Something to fix in the 2nd edition.

Good example of "Send Only Mode"

Core to my Femdom how-to book is the idea that all relationships have distinct modes in which each partner is sending and/or receiving emotions and intimacy. The baseline is "Send-Receive Mode" where good conversation and nice mutual vanilla sex takes place. :)

Since if she's "sending", she requires you to be "receiving",  and if she's not "receiving" then she expects you not to be "sending", for Femdom purposes, we only need to consider her modes and how your fantasies fit them.

Now the modes don't imply whether she is physically active or passive. She could be in "Send Only Mode", and just lie there passively having a very loud orgasm while telling you how lucky you are to be allowed to serve her.

They don't imply whether she's feeling introverted or extroverted either. She can be in "Send Mode" and quietly micromanage your every movement without ranting or acting out.


However, some women are both extroverted and physically active in their "Send Only Mode":

And then My Lady walks in, and says “what are you doing laying down there, boy? Get your butt off the bed!” Oh, yes Ma’am. “Stand here at the foot of the bed, boy”. And I notice that she is wearing the same things she was before, but she has a kind of twig or long branch in her hand. She whips it through the air with a whiiish. Kind of like the Zuma noise, but more threatening. “Get down on the ground at the foot of the bed, boy”. And so I sit down there. “No, no, no” and give me a little thwack on the side of the leg “don’t sit cross legged, sit with your butt on the ground and put your legs up here on the bed” but this is rather uncomfortable, and I have to lean back and lay down on the floor “Yes, that’s right, boy, lay down on the floor, with your legs on the bed”. And she approaches me with her branch, which she uses as a riding crop and sticks it between my legs and says “spread ‘em, Mister”. Woa. So I spread my legs apart. (More on the At your Service, Ma'am blog)

I think she's in "Send Only Mode" because she isn't really interested in his reactions.

Nothing he does has much effect on the action. There's no sense of dialogue or play. Instead, she's imposing... intruding... forcing him to feel what she wants him to feel.

It's about her and him, but with her boundaries pushed out to totally include him.

Wonderful lady..

Two ways to get your vanilla wife or girlfriend to Deny you....

"(Yawn) Thanks honey, that was fab.
Sleep now..."

If you trawl through FLR/WLM blogs, Denial is almost top of the whinge-list...I mean wish list. It's also something we part-time slaves/subs "enjoy".

Denial - You serve and service her, and then she tells you you're not allowed to come.

God knows why that's such a turn on, but it is--for us. Unfortunately, by its very nature, Denial is less instantly attractive for them - the women in our lives.

For us the Act of Denial is deeply erotic - we get that wonderful panicky squirmy feeling. However, it's not really denial unless she's already satisfied, and by definition, being sexually satisfied means she's not excited by anything erotic at that moment.

Plus, she's had an orgasm. She probably feels nurturing rather than mean. Perhaps she's not sure whether you really want to follow through or not - it's such an odd, self-contradictory fetish after all. And if you need her to do it in a dominant way while you plead for the orgasm you actually don't want - forget it, she's tired and ready to go to sleep.
 
So, though she may enjoy teasing, and she may be turned on by the idea of denial, when it comes to the crunch, there's a good chance you'll be disappointed (and satisfied - nobody said we perverts were simple).

There are two possible solutions.

But first, let me say that it's important that you tell her what you're doing.

You refusing to come inside her, refusing to be vulnerable with her - that can make her feel rejected. Imagine if she were with holding her orgasm from you.... So, be clear that this is fetish and fantasy territory, not some new dispensation.

Now the solutions:

1. Male Chastity Device

This is an absolute no-brainer. If you can't get out of the device, you can't have sex, and that means you're going to be denied by default. Don't give her the key, that just puts the responsibility onto her. Instead, put it where you can't get it until the morning - Timelock software is free and easy to use.

Some of solution #2 also applies to this solution, so read on...

2. Make denial the default option

This works especially well if she's turned on by the prospect of denying you, but doesn't follow through. There's a chance that once she knows the denial will be real, she'll be even more turned on, with the possibility of her being more proactive later (or disgusted and turned off--your relationship, your responsibility).

Agree, preferably during the early stages of your love making session, that you aren't going to get to come. If possible, give her her final climax through fingers or tongue. When she's done, withdraw gently but promptly and go straight to afterglow. Don't whine or mention your "condition", and a few minutes later, she won't be physically ready for penetration anyway.

If questioned, don't go on about the joy of sacrificing your orgasm to her, or this as the ultimate expression of anything -- her instincts are probably nagging at her to get you off.

Instead, emphasise the next time.

Yes, the next time.

Most of the fun of denial is in the lead up, in knowing that despite all the pleasure and lust, You Are Not Having an Orgasm Tonight. Obviously, that only works if you really believe it. So if you want another mind-blowing experience next time, then you really can't come this time.

"If I come this time, then I won't believe I'm not coming next time."

There's a little more to it than that - how to fit your fetish to her particular mood, how to approach her about it in the first place and when, but I've put that in my femdom manual...

Q: Why isn't this a book for my wife to read so she can learn how to dominate me?

(Click for erotic fantasy)

Well, first, would you let a stranger write your love letters for you?

But also, if you're in any doubt that she'll be instantly enthusiastic to try Femdom in bed, do you think there's much chance of her reading a book on it?

Generally, if you want to introduce a friend or partner to a new hobby, you, not she, must make the effort.

If it was golf, or hill walking, or tango dancing, you'd arrange a taster session, and make it as easy and pleasant as possible so she could discover whether and how she liked it herself, without your pressure to put her off.

Why should Femdom be different? Your fantasy, your responsibility!

Q: How does "The Vanilla Dominatrix" relate to your novel "The Chastity Belt"?

I wrote my erotic femdom novel, "The Chastity Belt", a long time back, and really it was a way of thinking through my own approach to BDSM. None of the... love interests... were really self-aware kinksters.

Each of the three women uses Mark's very real disempowerment to fulfill their very real and particular need:

• Felicity needs to flirt and get her rocks off. (Send-Receive)
• Moira needs to torture and use Mark without consequences. (Mostly Send Only because she's not interacting with him, just hurting him.)
• Cassandra, at first enjoys making love without a penis (Send-Receive), but really needs the catharsis of hurting and and mistreating Mark (Send Only) before finally treating  him as her service orientated slave (Shutdown).

So, each of these women ends up as a Vanilla Dominatrix, though with the possibility of excursions into Fetish.

However, they end up doing this full time. In reality, I'm very keen on the part-time slave approach.

Q: Why are you so dismissive of aftercare?

"Traditional" BDSM recognises the need for post-scene aftercare, meaning some sort of comforting, debriefing, or gentle re-orientation.

For example, she beats the crap out of you "in role",  then out-of-role, offers you a cup of tea and a cuddle.

There are two problems with aftercare in "The Vanilla Dominatrix" (TVD) style:

1. TVD style is about moods, not roles

Put simply, if she feels like being nasty, it does not follow that she will then feel like being nice.

Could happen. Might even be what she enjoys, e.g. in Send-Receive mode she may get something out of reducing you to tears then comforting you. However, suppose she's in Send Only mode? She might whip you, then shut you away in your "cell", leaving you to deal with the consequences.

2. TVD style seeks to minimise overhead for her

"Please please beat me oh please please... and by the way you have to cuddle me and make a fuss afterwards..." Hardly a winning proposition. Enough said.

This is why I warn you to make sure you can take what she can dish out, and, research safety, and agree a safeword if required.

With vanilla partners, it's unlikely to be a problem... it's probably more common to have to ask for harder, meaner.

If she does leave you feeling bad - destroyed, alienated, caught in a bleak place, vulnerable in need of reassurance - then you have two choices.

You can negotiate over the next time. However, unless she's already driving the action there's a possibility  that there will not be a next time.

Hints for self aftercare include:

• Step back mentally and revel in the fact that she has got you into this place. (Works for me.)
• Accept what you are feeling, it will fade, and you will masturbate over it later. (I do).
• Get back to normal as soon as the session is over; "Stiff upper lip, old chap". (I'm British).

Ultimately, you may have a choice between being either mistreated then putting yourself back together on your own; or not being mistreated at all.

Nobody said this was easy.

Ancient Roman femdom

A million miles and 2000 years
from a fetish dominatrix...

So, what's so special about Roman women?

If you read forum Femdom advice, it's all about how he can persuade her to do this or that, or how she can make him feel something, usually "used", "objectified" or "denied".

If you're persuading and she's making you feel something, then it's all an illusion! For example, she can't be using and objectifying you, because in setting out to create that effect she is treating you as a person.

And another one; how can she become more dominant? If you're truly submitting, why would she need to be dominant?

There's nothing wrong with her setting out to create a kinky effect on you, but now we're in the territory of Femdom as service - fine if she's already kinky, or has the time an energy to be playful, but not so easy when she just wants to kick back and relax, or if she doesn't regard Femdom as a hobby.

It's also true that the reality is darker and more enticing than the game. Wouldn't it be nice to truly be used, objectified, or toyed with and tormented? To be a real slave, if only for a short time and with a safety net?

I decided to explore this in some erotica about Ancient Rome, where women really did own male slaves. However, what I found catapulted me into completing the femdom manual I'd been tinkering with.

In a nutshell, the Femdom fantasies were all true!

Some Roman women did casually use their male slaves as sex toys or lovers, and did keep them in male chastity belts called "thecas" or "seedpods". There's even good evidence for male prostitutes, presumably slaves, providing cunnilingus to female clients.

Real slavery is nasty and evil, but the Romans didn't see things that way. They took it for granted. So these all-using, all-objectifying Roman dominatrixes weren't kinky fetishists. Nor did they have to negotiate, or dress up in thigh boots and strut. They were just vanilla women who took for granted that they had power over a male slave.

..and yet capable of spreading their legs and ordering "lick"
without even thinking about the slave's reaction.

The women may have been vanilla, but the results were kinky!

Plenty of  accidental teasing and denial, permanent chastity, corporal punishment, objectification and worship. Better yet, the men - the slaves - didn't have to plead or nag for it.

Now, I'm sure many or most of those real slaves were utterly miserable. However, imagine if you had a chance to take one's place for a day...?

And that's what's important about the Roman slave mistress.

Her  power is real, she is utterly unselfconsciously self-centred in her dealings with her slave, and yet that genuine power relationship generates awesomely hot femdom action.

Better yet, she is actually prepared to pay for a slave - a far cry from modern wives and girlfriends having one foisted on them by drooling partners acting like double-glazing salesmen!

Despite being vanilla, the Roman mistress chooses to keep a male slave because her total power over him ensures that she can get what she wants and no more. The benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of managing a slave.

Wouldn't it be... interesting... to offer your partner the same sort of power, with the rider that if she wants you to act like a slave, then she must also treat you like one? That's what The Vanilla Dominatrix is all about.

UPDATE: I've also written a  book for female readers - How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

How to timelock yourself in a chastity belt

Sometimes male chastity is about being locked up,  rather than the locking and unlocking.

Sometimes your lady is happy to have a locked up partner, but doesn't want the fuss of managing the keys, or the responsibility of deciding when to unlock you.

Sometimes, she enjoys being in what I've called the Send Only and Shutdown modes.. she wants to ignore your experience completely and not even think about the key.

In the old pre-Internet days, chaste men used to leave the keys at work, or post them to themselves. The downside of this is that you end up locked in for days at a time - there's not much fine control.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a simple timelock? Or a timesafe? Something you could set for, say, 8 hours?

Doesn't exist, or at least not for any price I'd be willing to pay.

The good news is that you don't need a safe or a complex gizmo, just a combination padlock, a  PC and a flatbed scanner.

Setting a new combination on a padlock
You may not realise this, but most combination padlocks enable you set a  new combination. Just turn the U-bar to a particular point, push it in, and then adjust the number barrels. It's pretty easy to do this without actually looking at the padlock.

So now you have a padlock with a combination you don't know. The next problem is to record that combination in such a way that you can encrypt it. For this you will need a flatbed scanner...

Scanning the combination

Flatbed scanners are great for this. Just plonk the padlock, combination down(!), on the glass and scan. Make sure your software doesn't flash up a big image onscreen, otherwise it rather defeats the purpose.
(It's a good idea to practice this stage a few times, to make sure you really are capturing the combination in readable form!)

So, now your combination exists as a file on your computer. All you need is to encrypt it for a few hours or days. Fortunately there is free timelock software for this.

Timelocking your lock combination

Dead easy. Just download and install  PictureLoKiT. It's not very pretty, but with a little fiddling you can learn how to encrypt a file for a set time.
Make sure that your computer has Internet access, so the software can read the timeservers (no, you can't cheat by dicking with the internal clock!). You don't have to leave the computer on - the software catches up on itself whenever you run it.
You can then use the combination padlock to lock your keys aware somewhere secure, for example in a toolchest.

WARNING: Get the padlock installed before triggering the encryption. There's nothing more annoying than - say - dropping the padlock and losing the setting.

All this is harder to explain than do. Once you get the hang of all it, it's quick and easy. Whirr... click... click... CLUNK. "Look honey! No cock!"

For actually building a Femdom corner of your relationship where you can both enjoy playing with male chastity, see my Femdom how-to guides...

OFFER CLOSED: Free review copies of "The Vanilla Dominatrix"!

Thanks everybody who requested a copy. I hope you'll let me know if you find the book useful, or better yet, tell somebody else!

Would you let somebody else write your love letters for you?

A long time ago - in pre-Internet days!- we bought a femdom manual written by an experienced dominatrix. (I won't name it, because I don't want to get into reviewing other people's books.) Most of it was for her to read, not me. At the time, we had boundless time and energy, so my lady went the extra mile and read the thing.

Looking back, it wasn't a disaster. We certainly had fun.

But it was all about how to be a good dominatrix, and by the way this means you get to have a tidy apartment and happy husband. (Joy!)

It treated Femdom as a game, and No Big Thing , which was good. But it also treated it as a performance. In this book, the dominatrix was a facilitator in the way that Cynthia Payne was a facilitator. Any genuine benefit to her was a byproduct, almost an accident...which, from where I'm standing, is not so good. 

This wasn't what I instinctively yearned for then, and certainly is not what I want now. I want my submission to be real, my service to be real, my consensual slavery to be a real gift from me to her. I don't want an act ("Have you been a naughty boy then?"). I don't want to pretend anything I don't have to.


So the book sent us off down the wrong path, or failed to help us onto the right one.


And it was all my fault.

I let a stranger write my love letter for me.

Why communication is overrated in an authentic Femdom relationship

Well Robert Anthony has discovered that it's a bad idea for his wife to read his blog.

It's not that she objects to him blogging about their Femdom relationship. The problem is that she's on her own journey that's supposed to be about her own empowerment, and reading his blog is making her second guess herself.

In short, by communicating (rated a good thing in fetish circles) he's been topping from the bottom  (a bad thing in the same  circles).
 WTF?

The problem is that there are lots of modes for Femdom (all equally fun and valid):

• Femdom as service really is all about communication. She's there to make your dreams come true. The prerequisite is that she enjoys facilitating your fantasies, more than once. This is the equivalent of a blow job.
• Femdom as trade is all about negotiation. She'll force you to wear panties, if you'll agree to let her beat the crap out of you, but only so much... The prerequisite is that she has very specific BDSM needs, and is happy to trade them against yours. This is the equivalent of taking it in turn to go down on each other.
• Authentic Femdom is  not about communication or negotiation. She's in charge and you do what you're told. This is the equivalent of going down on her, but not expecting her to reciprocate. The prerequisite is that she accepts being in charge... only it's not that simple.

Now, if you're trying for a FLR, or - as per my femdom manual - creating a Femdom corner in your relationship, then you're after the last option. And, if your partner isn't particularly driven to kink, then this is your default. Femdom as service is fine for a lazy sexy Sunday afternoon, but not for a Friday night when she's tired from work, or when life saps her mental energy. Femdom as trade is no good if she has nothing to trade for. So that leaves Authentic Femdom: even a vanilla person enjoys being selfish if there's permission and freedom from consequences.

The snag is that we male slaves (using the term as short hand) have usually spent  a lot more time thinking about all this than our mistresses. It's up to us to set the table for the Femdom relationship, and provide a menu... which is a tricky balancing act.

If we say, "Here's a place in our relationship where you're really in charge and here are some of the things I think you might enjoy - and yes I really will enjoy this," then in that space, our partner really is in charge. We're really being used, objectified, whatever - not being made to feel that way. There's no illusion.

But, as soon as we force things onto the menu that don't belong, try to nudge our customer to eat the tofu, and whine if they don't, we're manipulating her into service role, and the fun goes out of it for both of us. The same goes if we give her detailed feedback... "That turned me on, that didn't". We're turning Femdom into a game of Cluedo.

So once underway, communication has a minimal role in an authentic Femdom relationship:

• Safety ("Not the throat...!")
• Permission to extend what she already does: "It's OK to hit me harder/lock me up longer/not let me come..."
• Extensions to the menu via sharing noncouple-specific fantasies (rather than wish lists): "I have this fantasy about being a Roman slave..."

But that doesn't stop us wanting and yearning. And that's fine. There's even a meta turn on. When I'm bored being a slave, the knowledge that I am trapped in that role is a turn on.... and I bet you're the same.

The thing is, not to share that yearning. She can't be empowered and service you at the same time.

So, if you blog like Robert and I do - and others - by all means have no secrets. Tell her you have the blog. Let her know the name of it so she can Google to it. But, don't ask her to read it!

Free review copies of "The Vanilla Dominatrix"!

To get one of the free review copies of Vanilla Dominatrix, please comment here, "follow me" if you're a blogger, and email me at gilesenglishcb@gmail.com. I'll email you back with a review copy.

Why write a Femdom relationship book?

I am in  a relationship with a happy Femdom element. However, when I started down this road, I made a lot of mistakes. It took me ages to realise that they even were mistakes, to shed my sense of entitlement.

Hanging out on the Internet helped, and it didn't help. There's a lot of bad advice and one-handed typing out there. There are also too many one-size-fits all solutions.

While finding my own path, I've watched other people succeed, fail, and of course fantasise. I've also compared notes with kinky friends in real life, and online.

So, over the year, I've had the good fortune to work out how it's done, not just for myself, but for others.

By it, I mean authentic Femdom.

And by authentic Femdom, I mean a style of relationship where she really is in charge, getting what she wants and enjoying it too--

--and that's without you nagging, steal submitting, or manipulating your way to it.

The trick, I realised, is that there is no trick - just as there's no perfect chat up line. Stop telling her what she can do to make you her slave, and start working out what you as a slave can do for her.

It means giving up on a few fantasies that don't quite fit who you both are.

It also means accepting that Femdom mimics ancient evils, either patriachy inverted, or slavery. Rather than try to get around this by constructing a crumbling gynosupremicist philosophy, it's better to embrace that evil within a firewall.

Finally, it means accepting that this is a male fantasy, so the man has to do most of the work to make it happen.

So, I was never going to write a Uniquely Rika, focused on guiding a woman to take control 24/7. There's nothing wrong with FLR/WLM, but it's not for me, and nor is it a realistic outlet for most men with submissive urges.

Instead, I wanted to show submissive men how to sell themselves as part-time slaves to their wives or girlfriends, entirely on the vanilla benefits.

Really, it's fine if, for her, a back rub is just a back rub, or oral sex is just oral sex. The kink is in the way she gets it on demand, without consequences or obligations.

However, I still needed an angle. Something to hang the idea on.

And then I discovered something scary and fabulous about Ancient Roman ladies and their male slaves...

New blog...

This blog is going to be about building a femdom corner in an otherwise vanilla relationship.

There'll be advice, thoughts, and true stories, and hopefully some useful discussion.

Watch this space...