Sub Panic (like Sub Frenzy, but different): a charitable explanation for Pushy Subs and Topping from the Bottom

 ...we don't usually go about getting
our BDSM kicks without the
trappings of power exchange

I think BDSM is all about the dynamic.

One person dominates, one submits and we like it that way.

My evidence for this is the observation that most kinksters are happy to expand their range beyond specific fantasies as long as they get similar buttons pushed.

For example, when I was a youth, all I wanted was to be tied up and used. Now I'm as happy - happier - to be chaste and ordered around instead. I still have no control over my genitals, I still give pleasure, I'm still used.

(I know that there are nice physical sensations to be had from BDSM. However, we don't usually go about getting our BDSM kicks without the trappings of power exchange.)

So BDSM has to be primarily about the dynamic: D/s,

For submissives, this is a big problem.

We have this burning urge to surrender autonomy to a hypothetical stranger or to an unexplored aspect of our partner. Deep down, we know that once we start on this path there's no going back. We fear that the darkness will consume us.

The natural response is to cling onto control, to go, Dominate me but make me wear this and you must do that and then you have to say this thing and I'll do that other thing but you won't make me do that thing and...

In other words to be a "Pushy Sub" and to "Top from the Bottom".  Yes, sometimes the sub is really just trying to turn their partner into an automaton. And, yes, there are a lot of supposedly submissive men out there with a sense of entitlement and a "do me" attitude.

However, some of these Pushy Subs are just scared,

I think of this as the reverse of Sub Frenzy, so I call it "Sub Panic". The cure is to let go and explore while relying on safewords as a safety net, and to trust that we will still be the same person in the morning, only more fulfilled.

(I also suspect there's a Dom Panic as well; Look it must be OK because I got consent and here's our agreed script and I've memorised where and how I could strike him and I check in between each stroke and he can use traffic light words and now I'm doing aftercare with tea and biscuits so I must be a nice person...)

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Second Custom Chastity prototype video arrives

Still from video of prototype
chastity cage. I can't wait to try
the real thing.

The new Custom Chastity prototype is on its way!  (Take a look at my review of the last prototype.)

In the mean time Lady Fox has sent me a video of what it looks like. (behind the cut in case you're on mobile.)

As you can see, this new one has considerably less headroom than the last one. Lady Fox says she usually gets things right first time. The issue is that my crown isn't particularly pronounced when hard, so we're doing another round of design.

It's the first time I've ever sent dick pics to anybody. But Lady Fox is matter-of-fact and professional in her communications. It's not much different from dealing with a doctor or surgeon. It also helps we're not every in the same room (or continent).

It's not the fastest process, and the season is slowing things up. However, if I were paying for this, I'd be more than happy since I'm guaranteed to get something that really fits at the end of it all. I'm essentially buying a semi-permanent body extension -- it's worth treating that process with respect.

What I sent to Lady Fox. Red line
shows roughly where it needs to be
tighter.

Oh, and - by the way - the whole device is not as short as it looks!

The cage and ring don't overlap so you have to add gap and ring thickness. I'm not that tiny, honest...

That lack of overlap looks like a flashback to the 2000s. However it has major advantages because any sort of rear projection or beak creates leverage when you move around.

Up to this point I took it for granted. Shifts in position could displace my dick. However, I discovered that the last prototype remained snug and in position even when I went on my hands and knees.

I'm now looking forward to trying less headroom. With my other devices, when particularly flaccid, my dick would heave my head up to nudge the top of the headroom. Then when I got hard, get awkwardly stuck.

So, take a look at the video behind the cut:

What to do when your submissive won't communicate

"You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to
me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs are great for throwing up their hands, dropping to their knees and crying, "You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs do this whether they are inexperienced submissive husbands or wives having their first BDSM adventures, or veterans of clubs and munches.

There are lots of possible reasons why they might not want to talk about their BDSM desires and needs.

They may be inexperienced and want to explore without preconceptions. They may be shy or have difficulty owning their kink.

Most of all, they may be more interested in  the dynamic than specific fantasies and genuinely want to submit to you, not some canned experience they got off the Internet - there is a voyeuristic element to this.

However, this leaves you - the dominant - feeling awkward and exposed.

this leaves you - the dominant -
feeling awkward and exposed

And it goes against much of what modern BDSM culture stands for, namely communication leading to informed consent.

Yes, you could lay down the law, but it's not always wise or desirable.

If your sub is your life partner, them so much as asking for kink may seem like a huge step and you want to help them move forward, not lecture them back into the closet.

Or your wannabe sub may be really really hot, or somebody with whom you really want a relationship.

Is it possible to proceed without driving them off with a bad experience or, worse, being a consent-violating monster?

Yes.

Just as we submissives protect our dignity by pretending we are sensation-seeking hedonistic bottoms, you dominants often protect your sense of being a Good Person by leaning heavily on being a service top; "Yes it looks evil, but it's a pre-negotiated scene and look at my rope tying skills and listen to my sub's loud orgasm."

However, subs are grown ups and BDSM is like a sport - the experience is always going to variable; sometimes your team loses. It's not a disaster if we have a bad time, or if things aren't perfect. When we give sweeping the consent, we benefit from an intense the sense of surrender, and accept that sometimes we'll be bored or uncomfortable or disappointed... that itself can be a turn on because it rubs our noses in our own powerlessness.

So if your sub just wants you to be in charge, there's a good chance that's what they'll actually enjoy.

And if they don't? Too bad for them

...there's bound to be some crazy
stuff they haven't considered
that would be a hard limit

You don't actually need service topping as a justification, just consent.  Of course, your uncommunicative sub has already given you that - so the real issue is informed consent.

For all they may say "do what you want" and "no limits" (and really they should at least discuss limits), there's bound to be some crazy stuff they haven't considered that would be a hard limit if they had, and there's always the worry that some of what you like will overlap with that.

There is, I think, a simple way around this:

First set your own ground rules...

• Tell them broadly the kind of thing they are letting themselves in for: e.g. there will be service and beatings and you may not get an orgasm.
• Tell them the attitude you expect them to adopt: e.g. obedient, OK to resist, bratty... it's up to you.
• Tell them an easy-to-remember safe word they can use only for safety (physical and mental - if they are freaking out, then they need to safe word).

Next, take charge...  

• Do and get the things you enjoy. It's OK if these are mainly vanilla services, this is for you not them. That's the deal. Avoid any complex set piece scenes, unless that's what you want to do for yourself.
• Get informed consent by announcing new things ahead of time, but in role. So, for example, don't just ram a dildo into your sub's ass. Instead, wave it in their face, gloat over what you're going to do, give them plenty of opportunity for the safe word.
• Don't do anything intense during the first session. If they have an intense emotional reaction you are uncomfortable with, rather leaping to check in, dial down the activity. Later, during in after care ask them whether they want to take that further next time or avoid it.
• Insist on mutual after care. You need as much validation as your sub does! However, avoid a detailed debrief.

 the power exchange will come to feel real
- which is what at least some of us want... 

Then, repeat over the following weeks, gradually increasing the intensity. 

• Remain focused on your own pleasure - that's still the deal.
• Trust your sub to use their safe word and try not to second guess them. However, don't be afraid to check in if they suddenly behave abnormally compared to previous sessions. (Consent doesn't completely let you off the hook morally.)

The downsides are that this is slower than just negotiating your power exchange, and that you will bump against limits which will be both irritating and embarrassing.

However, within those emerging limits, you will be genuinely in charge and the power exchange will come to feel real - which is what at least some of us want...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Review of Custom Chastity prototype male device (with pictures of me wearing it!)

It is just the prototype, but I can do naked star jumps in it!

I can also shower in it, work in it, run in it, and sleep in it. And I can crawl, squat, roll over...

Whatever I'm doing, this male chastity device remains welded to my groin in a way that I didn't really think that was possible.

With other devices I've experienced, there's always a bit of shifting around either because they are too heavy - like the metal Chinese device - or because the tube projects behind the base ring causing a lever effect. If Xena - my wife and domme, for those who have just tuned in! - has me on all fours then I usually need to do some tugging and prodding to make my chastity device sit right.

Not so with this one from Custom Chastity. It's not just the design, it's the eggshell finish - it's not rough, but it clings to what it touches.

Yes, just after I hit Publish on my last post (about my custom design), the doorbell rang. Now I'm sitting wearing the disposable prototype and an actual surgical nylon base ring - one of three - so I can see the quality of the final product.

Here's my observations so far, including dick pics of me wearing it - hence the cut because one or two RL friends read this blog and not everybody wants to see my manparts anyway:

My custom chastity tube design from Custom Chastity

I waiting for the prototype to arrive from Custom Chastity. I'm nervous about the design, so it's probably a good thing they're sending me a dummy version!

Here's the side view (you can see the video in my previous post):

It's a shower-friendly cage but with lovely comfortable flat bars.

It looks painfully short compared to the smaller HT2! However that one is at least 5mm too long for me, and this one doesn't overlap the base ring. So this should be a precise and snug fit - something I've never really experienced.

My dick should lie naturally, bent over and tucked into the end. The bulge is for my crown when I'm hard, but will my dick float up into it when soft? If it does, I should be able to prod it back into place through the bars. We'll see...

Now, here's the front view:

Yes, a nice big peeing slot! It's much more tucked under than on the HT2 but I'm expecting the slot to be long enough that I can see my slit and check it's aligned. Out and about, spraying all over your trousers is not an option. 

Finally, here we have it from the back view.

The devices for bigger cocks have a nice oval entrance. Even so, to chastity fetishist, this is an enticing sight, a lovely smooth ring to welcome you into your erotic prison...

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Ordering a Custom Chastity 3D Printed Chastity Device! (Includes video)

Custom Chastity

I'm in the middle of the process of getting a personalised - i.e. truly customized - male chastity device from Custom Chastity.

Yes, I still like my Holy Trainer 2. It's a nice looking design and comfortable to wear. The "magic locker" gives it that hi-tech feel. Customer service is good if there are problems. However, now I've had it for more six months over the year mark, my original enthusiasm, has been tempered by three issues:

• I don't really trust the HT2 not to eventually fall apart. The locking post is a weak point, and the bioresin gets soft when warm -- it's not clear whether it will fatigue given another 18 months of continuous wear. 
• It's a tube not a cage, so showering is problematic (though not impossible), making 24/7 wear hard. 
• Also, since it's a cage, I can't easily see if I'm lined up for peeing, a problem with wearing out and about.

The HT2 is still one of the best of the established devices. I'm sure it's brilliant if you don't want to wear semi-24/7 like I do. I suspect the Holy Trainer 3 will be an improvement. However, in the mean time I've been looking for a back up or replacement male chastity device that I can wear 24/7.

Other options I considered

I considered, then rejected, various silicon devices because of hygiene and haven't bothered with the CB-X range because of stories of them splitting.

I actually tried the Key Holder  Dream (KHD3) 3D printed chastity device, but didn't get on with the small peehole, plus the wide base ring has issues for everyday wear. There are also doubts about the material for 24/7, since it is slightly porous.  Ultimately, the KHD range as they stand are nice cheap starter devices, far better than the Chinese imports on Ebay. They should be fine if you put them through the dishwasher regularly, but they are not quite right for my anatomy or needs. (Though, I look forward to future KHD offerings, since they are always creative.)

Custom Chastity

Then along came Custom Chastity - Lady Fox dropped by to say how much she liked my vanilla-to-femdom books.

They're a husband and wife team in an FLR like us, and Lady Fox is a 3D designer. End result is 3D printed devices made of surgical nylon, definitely safe for long-term wear - they make prosthetics out of this stuff! - and routinely customisable, hence the name.

They seemed very confident in their products, so I cheekily asked them for a device to review.

Lady Fox said yes and suggested, since I was unsure about the head configuration, that I go for a real custom design. So suddenly I'm getting this deluxe treatment! (The basic devices come in a range of sizes and are about the price of a HT2. The custom ones start at double that.)

We did careful measurements and discussed the design. Then Lady Fox sent me a video of what the device will look like:

My response was, "It looks OK... I guess..." 

I mean, how can I tell by just looking? It all depends on whether my head tucks into the end properly.

"Don't worry", replied Lady Fox, "I'm sending you the resin prototype."

Yes, that's right. They actually send you a disposable resin version so you can see if it really fits. That takes some of the risk out of spending the money. It also means you won't have to mess around posting a device back for fixing and tweaking.

Will my Custom Chastity device be any good?

Will it fit? I have no idea if this version will fit. It doesn't matter as long as a version eventually fits and I'm fairly sure it will - Lady Fox seems to know what she's doing.

Will the final 3D printed result be any good? The reviews on their site seem promising, though I can't seem to find any anywhere else - which is also positive since nobody is being mean about them online either.

I'm certainly looking forward to finding out...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

How to think about being a sexual submissive

"Being a sub is confusing because we
want what we don't like, love what we
hate, crave what we fear."

Being a sub is confusing because we want what we don't like, love what we hate, crave what we fear.

It's the Paradox of Consent!

The paradox collapses as soon as you read around the way the brain works. We're really a mess of different sub systems running in parallel. They don't sum to a single position.

This is obvious when you look at non-kinky activities that make us scream, cry or complain - roller coaster rides, bungee jumping, Horror movies, and gruelling sports like long distance running - Why do people even do this stuff?

So there is no paradox, just a committee. However, this leaves us the problem of how to organise our urges so as to live our life in a fulfilled way.

Here's how I see it...

Our three Kink Selves

Submissive Self does the experiencing.

We subs have three selves, each of varying strength depending on who we are and how turned on we are right now.

These are not "inner selves", but rather places we stand from time to time, or hats we wear.

Submissive Self does the experiencing. He wants to submit.

He likes the dynamic. It makes him comfortable and opens the door to all sorts of nice feelings and sensations ranging from intense physical arousal and pleasure through to deep inner peace.

He experiences the hazards of submission - discipline and being on the "wrong" end of sadism - as proof of his submission, but to be avoided even if they do make life more exciting.

Masochistic Self  does the gloating.

Masochistic Self does the gloating. He gets off on Submissive Self's suffering, but not usually while it's happening.

He sees Submission as both a form of suffering and an excuse for suffering - for him, the hazards are the main point.

Masochist often conspires to make things worse and generate new hazards. This can lead to topping from the bottom.

The important thing about Masochist, is that he's only around when Submissive is not. You usually finding getting hot and hard about some "terrible fate" in his past or future.

Vanilla Self does the managing. He seeks satisfaction for his other selves as long as there are no real world consequences.

He vetoes the crazier ideas from the other two selves, and is the one standing ready with the safe word.

An experienced or brave Vanilla Self is content to sit back and only intervene if absolutely necessary. A more fragile one may suddenly pull the plug if surprised or shocked.

Vanilla also deals with the practicalities making it possible to enable both selves to fulfil themselves.

All three selves have their own turn ons and fetishes and these don't always overlap.

(Oddly, this all roughly corresponds to the ego states proposed by Transactional Analysis In TA terms, these selves are probably Masochist (C), Vanilla (A), and Submissive (P).)

How our Kink Selves work together

I think these selves work together to create the submissive experience.

Submissive and Masochist Selves often dance an exquisite waltz. For example, when Xena leaves me kneeling in the corner:

At first, I know Submissive peace. Then I get bored, frustrated and even cross. At which point Masochist kicks in, and I get horribly turned on by my situation. Being turned on makes me happy, so I sink back into my Submissive Self.

Though Vanilla often reins in Masochist, they also conspire to make Submissive suffer.

Sometimes, Masochist turns on Vanilla instead.There are whole kinks based around this, some relying on creating powerful illusions However, outside this self-aware practises, there is a real risk of self destructive behaviour and relationship choices.

Vanilla Self generally works to protect and reassure Submissive; "Don't worry, you can keep submitting, nothing really bad will happen." And, in truth, Submissive often offers a refuge for Vanilla.

What our Three Kink Selves mean for Dominants

You can use our three
selves to... get what
you want.

You can use our three selves to deepen our submission and - within limits - better get what you want.

First and foremost, you need to keep Vanilla happy and quiescent.

This means both respecting our limits, so we feel safe, but also doing your best not to "break character" and awaken our Vanilla selves during intense sessions. If suddenly confronted with our other selves, Vanilla can become embarrassed and take over.

Later, you can praise us in vanilla terms - how brave we were, how magnificently kinky, and be careful about when you address our Submissive Self.

Next, you can make an ally of Masochist. Sure, he can make us a bit pushy, but he's also eager to hand you the keys to the kingdom. Whipping works on me. Corner time works on him. He gets off on cross-dressing, I get off on not getting off. This is all leverage Masochist wants you to use.

You can reward us and turn us on by making Masochist contemplate his mind blowing situation, either with quieter moments - like when Xena makes me kneel - or by gloating; "Look at you, pathetic slave. You can't even come, and now I'm going to whip you."

Finally, what our Three Kink Selves mean for Subs

We subs have a right to happiness, same
as everybody else.

There's a strong temptation to abandon our Vanilla Self. Our other selves yearn for it, and ideas about identity and "True" Submission nudge us that direction. I think that's a bad idea.

Our Vanilla Self is an authentic part of us too, and if we empower it to do so, it will negotiate "placements" for our other selves that will make us happy. This is similar to doctors picking their speciality, and priests picking a parish. Having a calling doesn't mean you don't have preferences or that these become irrelevant.

However, for me, it;s the balance between Submissive and Masochist that defines what kind of subs we are.

Somebody who is mostly Masochist is really a "bottom", seeking particular masochistic experiences. To them, submission is a masochistic act, great fun but not sustainable. This can cause confusion and crossed wires. I also suspect that some bottoms evolve into submissives, but don't always realise they've done it.

Somebody who is at least half Submissive is a real sub, more into the D/s dynamic than any particular action. However, being strongly submissive can be a bit embarrassing; it's easier on the ego to pitch oneself as an adventurous bottom, heroic connoisseur of pain! This also causes confusion.

The important thing, though, is to accept all three selves - Submissive, Masochist and Vanilla - as they are and to get them to work in harmony.  We subs have a right to happiness, same as everybody else.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Ask Giles: How do I get my vanilla man into male chastity?

This is, of course, not necessarily a good idea. I've covered the caveats in another blog entry about getting your man into Femdom - please click through and read them. All that said, and assuming (1) chastity isn't in some way triggering for him, and (2) you are not putting undue non-erotic pressure on him, then my advice would be as follows.

Your first task is to find
this Chastity Window,
if it exists...

I've noticed that a kinky dynamic is often inherent in the vanilla dynamic.

In other words, if you are interested in male chastity, then there's probably already something going on in the relationship where male chastity would be a natural enhancement -- call it a Chastity Window.

Your first task is to find this Chastity Window, if it exists.

Perhaps you enjoy flirting with each other out of bed? If so -- by making instant gratification impossible -- male chastity can extend this into the bedroom.

Perhaps he seems to enjoy pleasuring you more than he enjoys getting pleasure himself? Perhaps he likes to earn his orgasms?

Look for some erotic activity where his pleasure is deferred, and you control that deferment.

"I will fulfil some of your wildest
dreams if you will wear the
chastity device while I do it."

If you can't find a window, invent one that suits you. Have a clear idea what you want from male chastity. Does the device come off? Does he get to come during "sex"? Are his orgasms rationed? (If it's really Femdom, then the other article might help you.) There's a good chance that if it works for you it will also ultimately work for him.

The idea is that male chastity is addictive - most of its benefits are sensual and psychological, rather than kinky. So once you get your man into the Chastity Window, over time, he will want to stay there.

However, if he's vanilla, then you can't rely on selling him on the benefits of male chastity!

You need to offer him some compelling vanilla or at least non-Femdom benefit. This should not be too hard; he's bound to have a whole list of fantasies, fetishes. Also -- cynically --  given how "dead" most bedrooms become, you just taking any sort of sexual initiative may be enough to motivate him.

What you're offering, then, is a trade; "I will fulfil some of your wildest dreams if you will wear the chastity device while I do it." Of course, over time, the fantasies become wilder but the duration in chastity becomes longer.

Make sure you have provide him with a comfortable chastity device. I can personally vouch for Holy Trainer, Custom Chastity look promising, cheap Chinese devices can be OK for 24 hours, and there's always the Oxballs which are cheap but comfortable.

Once you have a suitable device, you could follow a programme like this (customized for your window and his fantasies!):

1. He wears the device for most of an erotic session. In return, you wear stockings.
2. He wears the device for all of an erotic session but gets to jerk off at the end. In return, you wear stockings and he gets to use sex toys on you.
3. He wears the device for all of an erotic session and overnight. In return, you wear stockings and let him watch you masturbate.
4. He wears the device all week, for the entire erotic session and overnight. In return, you wear stockings and perform any sexual act on yourself that he asks you to.
5. He wears the device all week, for the entire erotic session and overnight. However, the rules now change. He has to buy erotic activity with additional days of lock up, for example, one day per orgasm you have.

The main thing is to offer him wild erotic experiences, but at the price of wearing the chastity device. After a while, there's a chance he will think this is a fair trade...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Our final (?) Female Led Relationship Contract

Xena started off vanilla!

Well, 6 months is up! Despite it being a busy time for Xena, we managed to talk over how things have been going. I wrote up the changes, she approved them, and here it is!

You'll notice it's designed to be future proof. We'll review it in a year, but there are mechanisms in it to enable it to evolve as required, plus ways for it to lapse. You'll also notice additions to the discipline system. I'll try to blog about these later.

Giles and Xena Female Relationship Contract September 2015

This contract describes our existing Female Led Relationship (FLR). These rules reflect Xena's wishes, but Giles is mostly responsible for keeping track of them.

This contract remains in effect between milestones. The next milestones is Sept 2016, unless Xena judges that circumstances have changed. On reaching a milestone, Xena and Giles(?) will decide together whether and how to continue.

We will treat the FLR as real. Except in exceptional circumstances, we will solve any issues within the framework of the FLR. Punishment will always be real but never "meta". Xena won't reference that Giles volunteered for this. He in turn will never seek to generate kink through bad behavior.

Xena may unilaterally modify the contract (a) temporarily for practical reasons, (b) to make it harsher or stricter, or (c) to remove any modifications. i.e. revert to this document. Xena may also call for a renegotiation if the contract appears not to be working.

From time to time, Giles may suggest improvements to better reflect current practice, or to help Xena get what she wants. If he does this too often, Xena may punish him.

The FLR is a secret. Giles may only discuss it with those friends who already know about his blog, unless otherwise instructed by Xena. However, Giles may admit to enjoying Femdom to other kinky friends as socially appropriate, though the presumption is against. Xena may discuss Femdom as she sees fit, but will avoid revealing the FLR to other non-submissive men, directly or indirectly.

Core Female Led Relationship

...we are both happy that Xena is the
naturally dominant partner
Find out how to add Femdom to your life!

Xena will bring certainty and adventure to Giles's life. He in turn will bring control and service to hers.

We are a loving relationship founded on mutual respect. However, we are both happy that Xena is the naturally dominant partner and that our sexual relationship is entirely Femdom. We feel no need to disentangle all this.

Our relationship style will range from "comfortable married couple where she gets the last word", through to "cold mistress and semi-mute slave". Giles will take his cue from Xena, but she will also make her wishes clear if he gets it wrong.

Xena has authority whenever she wants it, but Giles is still an adult. Xena is routinely in charge of domestic and intimate life. She has arbitrary powers of punishment and reward including Giles's orgasm.

Xena can use her powers to get what she wants, no matter how unreasonable. She may also do things for Giles's own good, or because they amuse her. Giles will obey honestly and to the best of his ability.

When appropriate in private, Xena will express happiness with the arrangement, praise Giles for his efforts, but avoid saying thankyou. Giles is best motivated by acknowledgment of his submissive role.

All this suits Xena, who prefers things this way, and Giles, who is enjoying embracing his submissive nature, and also sees this as a way of making an adventure out of necessity.

Authority and Discipline

Xena sets priorities and gives orders as she sees fit. She may also set longer term Tasks. Giles will serve and obey honestly. He will report any measurable professional or personal targets Xena might want to manage.

Xena will hand out Demerits for quality issues and also: whenever she raises her voice or is angry with Giles; whenever Giles raises his voice to her or is grumpy with her. 

Each demerit translates into at 

least one stroke of a whip or equivalent. 

Find out how to add Femdom to your life!

Each demerit translates into at least one stroke of a whip or equivalent. She will normally administer the demerits at least once a month. Giles will normally be restrained for this. Irrespective of Slave Points (see below), Giles may petition for Xena to wear something nice for major beatings. However, this is at his own risk.

Xena will give Penalty Days for failure to perform a task. These put back Giles's Orgasm Day (see below) by one or more of Xena's working days.

A Serious Punishment comprises at least: 50 Demerits and 5 weeks of Penalty Days (i.e.2 5 Days) . This is the equivalent of the world falling in on Gile's head, and is intended to make particular transgressions simply unthinkable.

Automatic Serious Punishments are earned for:

• If Giles applies emotional pressure in response to Xena's orgasm choices. This does not preclude him whimpering briefly as an erotic response, for which she can apply demerits.
• If Giles masturbates to ejaculation without permission.
• If Xena sees Giles's unchaste erect penis. 

In general, Xena will use the discipline system to make herself feel better when Giles annoys her, and as a tool to get what she wants. She will therefore be strict and merciless -- sometimes whimsical -- ignoring any excuses.

Sometimes, however, Xena will hand out Slave Points, which Giles may spend by negotiation, e.g. to get her to wear something sexy while punishing him. Slave Points do not offset Demerits.

We will track Demerits, Penalty days and Slave Points using clicker counters. Giles will normally store and operate these. Xena can zero existing Slave Points by committing to take control of the counters for one day per point.

Chastity

Giles will remain in chastity whenever practical, particularly at night. He may remove the device for socializing. 

Giles may only masturbate during his Orgasm Day. These fall only during Xena's working week when the house is empty and not during holidays. By default, Orgasm Day is the first day of Xena's working week. With Xena's permission, untaken days shift to the next available day, with any Penalty Days applying to that instead.

Bedtime Ritual

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, clean-shaven, chaste, and ready for bed. From this point onward, he will address her as "mistress".

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, 

clean-shaven, chaste...

Learn how to become chaste like me!

He will present the demerit counter and ask Xena what she did not like today. If he has to remind her to demerit an incident, he earns a Slave Point. (If she suspects he's attention seeking, she can apply far worse punishments.)

Giles will otherwise kneel patiently in the corner pending orders from Xena , returning there between tasks. Xena will often leave Giles there to indicate general displeasure, especially if he has earned demerits, or merely because she wants the bed to herself.

If Xena falls asleep while Giles is kneeling, he may come to bed after a decent interval, unless erotic activity or punishment has taken place, in which case - if practical - he may change position but must otherwise remain in the corner to sleep for at least the next hour.

Intimate Matters

He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (penalty)
This could be you! Find out how !

Giles and Xena do not at present have penis-in-vagina sex. Giles is happy with this because he has had lots of vanilla sex in the past, and not nearly enough Femdom.

Giles may not initiate erotic intimacy, but may remind Xena to set aside intimate time. Xena has control over Giles’s orgasms but will not normally be present when they happen.

Each of Xena’s orgasms costs Giles one or more Penalty Days (figures in bracket for working days):

• She masturbates with him out of the room – 0.5 day (1 day).
• She masturbates while he kneels or otherwise in the room – 1 day (2 days)
• She masturbates while he watches with a clear view – 2 days (4 days)
• He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (6 days)
• He brings her to orgasm using a strap-on dildo – 4 days (8 days).
• He brings her to orgasm through PIV - 5 days (10 days).

Other specific  erotic circumstances in which penalties can be earned:

• On Xena's whim.
• As the price of being involved in some erotic act including PIV ejaculation. 

During erotic time, Giles's orgasms typically do not happen.  He remains chaste except for the unlikely event of PIV sex. Xena may grant Giles a chaste orgasm as long as she is supervising, i.e. at minimum holding his leash chain. She can curtail his efforts on whim:

• Solo by self-penetration (if he can do it), no penalty. 
• Solo by vibrator, 5 days. 
• Spontaneous ejaculation, at least 5 days 10 demerits. 

If it amuses her, Xena may set up beatings using butt plugs and other devices to encourage an unlicensed ejaculation. Giles will advise honestly on this.

Sex and Bondage Toy Maintenance

Giles is responsible for the maintenance, cleaning and stowage of the bondage toy collection.
If his chastity device breaks, he must wear the backup as continuously as possible to avoid breaking that until a replacement is available.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Enslaved by Posh Totty 1 is FREE this weekend...

Yes I know it's a cross-post.

However, if you'd like to try my erotica, then now is a good time!

Enslaved by Posh Totty 1: A Chaste Toga Party is free this weekend.

I wrote it while locked in chastity. Can you read it to the end without removing your chastity device...?

Ask Giles: Do you have any advice for a Domme coming into her own?

What started me - and so, us - on this road was a
particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii

Somebody PM'd me:

I was looking into some of your other blog posts and found them very interesting. It seemed like a long process to get where you are in your relationship.

I have always been an intimidating lady. I like to be the Head Bitch in Charge in all aspects of my life. However I struggle with wanting to make sure my partners needs are fulfilled as well. In the past this turns me into a more timid person, which leads to problems in the relationship, which leads to loss of interest and eventual break up.

As I have been discovering BDSM, kink, and female lead relationships I have realized that this is what I want from a partner and life.

As a sub in your situation(you mentioned in your blog being a "couple first") who had to help his Mistress take a leading role, do you have any advice or tips for a Domme coming into her own?

We're talking relationships here, rather than how to find your place in the BDSM Scene (which is not our thing).

Well obviously, I have my book How to be a Roman Dominatrix which assumes a vanilla female reader. If you are kinky, the transition should be easier but the some of the underlying challenges remain the same.

You do things entirely for your own benefit. Your sub 

agrees to take the rough with the smooth.

What started me - and so, us - on this road was a particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii (see above).

Since he's dressed and she is not, it's reasonable to interpret this as a male slave servicing his owner.

What's interesting about this is that she is just getting what she wants with no sense of fetish or BDSM, and yet if a modern male submissive with a time machine parachuted into the slave's role, it would tick a whole load of kink boxes: objectification, tease and denial, CMNF, service...

So the lesson is that an awful lot of male submissive satisfaction can be generated as a by-product of a super-empowered woman just getting vanilla things she wants.

If she also wants her own kinks, that's a bonus. However what matters, what lends spice to the submissive's experience, is that she has real authority in the relationship. When she's doing kink, he knows that's what she wants and that knowledge itself is a turn on. When he's bored, frustrated or uncomfortable, then he knows that it's because she's in charge, which is also an intense turn on.

Of course this only works if he 

really is a sub..

My advice, then, is pretty much what's in my books. Agree to a set period - a month, initially, is good - in which...

• You do things entirely for your own benefit.
• Your sub agrees to take the rough with the smooth (unless you hit a hard limit).

This will get you both into the habit of female authority as the default (rather than dominance, which requires effort). It will also establish whether this is something you both enjoy, and give you confidence that your sub really is enjoying himself.

It's important for it to be for a set period because otherwise both of you will keep revisiting the decision as to whether to carry on another day or evening when instead you should be reaching an accommodation with your roles.

If you intend to take this out of the bedroom, then I think task lists and some kind of discipline system is a good idea. Not only does this establish female authority, but it is also one of the major benefits of FLR for a man; we know where we stand, we don't get nagged, we do get to atone for our failings.

However, the other advice for doing FLR outside the bedroom is to avoid lots of protocol and to mostly be a couple first where however it's OK for her to get her way and state her preferences.

I think of this as the reverse of an old fashioned marriage. We can argue. We can discuss things. However, Xena has the underlying authority.

Of course this only works if he really is a sub, rather than a bottom who uses submissive fantasies to give some context to his kinks. There's nothing wrong with just being a bottom, but it's important not to confuse the two.

I hope that helps!

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Punishment - don't create a moral hazard!

"I like to wait until at least 60
before I whip you. That
way's more fun."

"Hmm," I say. "That's 30 demerits. They're rather mounting up." I'm writing lots of Femdom porn at the moment, and desperate for a dose of the real thing. (It doesn't help that I'm still stuck with my chastity regime, and unable to masturbate after writing even the hottest scenes.)

"That's OK," says Xena brightly. "I like to wait until at least 60 before I whip you. That way's more fun."

The way she says it, not hamming it up, not being all porno-domme, makes me hard inside my Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.

I'm still hard as I kneel in the corner waiting for lights out, and later, lying next to her.

But in the morning I don't quite feel the visceral fear of the lash.

You see, on the one hand, I do flinch from the prospect of being hit. A few demerits genuinely makes me squirm.

On the other hand, I live for those moments where Xena really does step into her mistress role.

So now, being slapdash, leaving tasks undone... that's a way of bringing on another Femdom session. Worse, the question is now not How many lashes? but merely When?

That night I explain this to her as I rub her feet, not in terms of her spoiling my Femdom experience, but just how it undermines the system.

"I know. It's just this once," she says and goes back to her book.

I'm sure it wasn't just this once, but I don't argue. I don't need to be right, just enslaved...

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Ask Giles: Why male chastity?

Why male chastity?

A friend asked:

What is the attraction for males to be chaste? I understand edging, not being allowed to come. I also understand having someone control when. But are you ever allowed to come? Or is the holding off the most exciting part? More than the release?

I've already written about the vanilla benefits of male chastity. In a nutshell:

• It gives us an extended plateau phase. Let's face, it a few seconds of squirting is a bit anticlimactic after all that build up, so this seems a fair trade - orgasm for sensuality.
• A lot of us feel a bit ambivalent over penetrative sex. This is partly cultural baggage, but also perhaps inherent in heterosexuality since 75% of women can't reach orgasm by penis alone; for most of us, penis in vagina comes as a reward, a gift or an afterthought. This can make us feel exposed and guilty. 
• Finally, female sexuality can be scary. The chastity device is a shark cage.

Now let's talk about submission, masochism and orientation.

...female sexuality can be scary.
 The chastity device is a shark cage.

Submission: Wearing a chastity device, surrendering control of your orgasm is about as submissive as you can get. The more submissive we are, the more we enjoy this surrender. It's an existential thing more than a sexual thing. I just feel right chaste.

Masochism: Masochism makes no sense until you realize that different modules in the brain work independently. I can be turned on by something I don't like, desire what I don't want and so on. Chastity where I don't get to come during erotic sessions is a pretty masochistic experience!  I'm trading orgasm for mind-blowing levels of turn on. The knowledge that I'm in extended chastity gives me a masochistic buzz every time I think about it.

Orientation: The brain is notoriously flexible and it seems that the male brain gets rewired by chastity until it becomes a sexual orientation. I feel sexiest in my device. All my fantasies revolve around being chaste, including my masturbation ones. When I feel horny, I just want to pleasure Xena. Of course the knowledge that my brain has been rewired, that I have been perverted, itself gives me a masochistic thrill...

So, am I allowed to come?Is the holding off the most exciting part? More than the release?

I generally come weekly. Our contract is set up so that Xena's orgasms delay mine. The more intense our erotic relationship, the less I get to masturbate. I would be very happy if Xena had several orgasm a week leaving me effectively permanently chaste. However, since we live in the real world with work and stress and so on, this doesn't happen very often.

I should add that different men like different aspects of chastity. For some it's extended foreplay and it usually, or always, comes off for sex.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Lady Fox of Custom Chastity gives me a nice review

Her shop is pretty much
 what I predicted about
the future of male
chastity devices.

Lady Fox of the new 3D printed Custom Chastity shop dropped by the Guest Book to leave a lovely review:

I have just down loaded your Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix.
LOVE LOVE LOVE - now all I have to do is point all the men that ask me how am I going to get my wife/partner into being a keyholder.
Will be adding a link on our site.
cheers
Lady Fox

Her shop is pretty much what I predicted about the future of male chastity devices, except they offer a range of material including steel and silver(!). I shall watch them with interest -- much as I love the HT2, the tube format is limiting in terms of endurance.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

110 hours, 3 jogs, 3 showers and no problems in the Holy Trainer 2

...wrote and published a crazy
amount of chastity erotica.

OK perhaps I was premature in posting about how to really get dry after a shower in a Holy Trainer 2.

However, it worked!

Four days later I've just unlocked.

No marks on the shaft.

No skin problems.

No chafing.

In fact, sinisterly, the skin around my balls has never been healthier. I suppose the base ring keeps the scrotum from pressing into the thigh so the air circulates at night.

That was four days in which I jogged and showered three times (not counting right now), plus wrote and published a crazy amount of chastity erotica.

I'm left with the thought that, if it weren't for sports and relatives with children (who tend to climb on you) I could probably safely wear the device 24/7/365.

Something to "look forward to" when I'm older...

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

How to shower in a Holy Trainer 2 then really get dry

It's a tube.

Chastity's a weird fetish (or perhaps an actual orientation). I do love my Holy Trainer 2 even though it stops me getting off, because it stops me getting off.

My first reaction when it arrived was, "OMG I never want to take this off." I even used a broken Holy Trainer 2 to make a sort of permanent chastity device.

Alas, part of what makes the device so very sexy is what means you generally do have to take it off; It's a tube.

Well duh, I hear you say. Yes of course it's a tube.

However that's important. Cages are far less comfortable, and give rise to all that unsightly bulging. They also expose the member in all its moods. Tubes, however, unless transparent, take male arousal off the agenda. Xena can't tell whether I'm turned on and we both like it that way.

The snag is that tubes create a hygiene problem.

A tube, it traps moisture and grease, so you need to wash the whole package - genitals and device - more often than for a cage. Worse, the tube makes it hard to get the water in where it's needed, and much harder to dry.

Last time I wore for 48 hours and two showers, I ended up with a rash on dorsal my penis. This time is different - I'm 65 hours in one shower in, with no problem. So, further experimentation is required, but I feel confident enough to share this.

Here we go.

Preliminaries
Part of the knack is in the wearing.

Use the stocking trick to install the device. Don't use lotion, which traps the ick, and do position the lower part of the base ring 3 fingers from your body and the top flush with your pubis.

Do also aim carefully when peeing. Use a Q-tip to position the slit. Try not to kink your dick when you aim.

Showering
Just shower!

However, have handy some kind of container that lets you tip water directly into your tube. I use a cut off shampoo bottle that actually fits snugly over the end, letting me squirt the water in and suck it back. You could also experiment with filling a small jug and dunking your package in it.

Here's how I go about it:

1. Clean the inside of the bulb end. This is where all the pee and jism collects and crusts.You can do this by aiming the shower head into it, though if the water drills into your tender penis tip, it can lead to sharp sensations.
2. Get mildly soapy water everywhere inside. Hence the container. You can even tip your package upright and fill the tube with water so it drains out the back.
3. Rinse (Most important). Seriously. The skin hates being in contact with soap for extended periods. Do what you did when soaping, but with lukewarm fresh water and at least twice as much effort.
   
   Right, now you are clean and with irritants removed. Final step in the shower:
4. Rinse your package in cold water. Really rinse. Get your penis especially cold enough to shrink it down to normal for a winter day. This kills off any flex the heat may have caused in HT2. However the main benefit is experienced in the next stage... 

Drying

OK here's the secret. 

DON'T USE THE HAIRDRYER.

Seriously. 

OK you can use it to dry the hair on your actual head. However, don't let it anywhere near your genitals. Here's why:

First, the tube concentrates the hot air and may cause local scorching. Ouch! Second, though they seem to have changed the formula, the Holy Trainer 2's bio-resin doesn't like getting hot. Third, though, is the important one...

The hairdryer warms up your dick, making it bigger, making the airflow hard to achieve, so trapping moisture. 

Instead, do this:

1. In a room at normal temperature - this is not a fireside task! -  towel yourself down vigorously. Also towel those part of your scrotum you can reach. While doing this, tip and shake your package to get any large accumulations of water to tip out. 
2. Carefully insert a Q-tip into the front slot of the device, at an angle - Jesus! Don't get in in your urethra! - then roll the Q-tip around between the tube and your shaft. Reverse the Q-tip and repeat. Then do it with another one.
   (This does mop up some of the water. However, the main aim is to unstick the skin from the wet sides, thus promoting airflow.)
3. (Optional) Insert another Q-Tip and position it along the dorsal of your dick so the air can flow. Leave it in position.
4. Grab a dressing gown only (we don't want to get too warm down there) and go do something else, preferably not sexy. The aim is to be moving around, letting the air flow.
5. After half an hour, repeat step #2. If the Q-tip comes away mostly dry, you're done. Towel your genitals if they need it.
6. Sleep with your lower half nude, except for the device of course.  

So in a nutshell: 

No hairdryer. Keep your genitals cool. Use Q-tips to break the seal between skin and tube and to mop Lots of ventilation. No lotion. Airflow and body heat does the rest.

Disclaimer: This is working for me for my dick, this week. Give it a try. However, do then briefly remove your device to see if it's worked for you. 

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.