The 7-Point Vanilla Dominatrix Manifesto

If you want to get your non-kinky wife or girlfriend to dominate you, then here's a good place to start:

1. Your slavery is about her pleasure.
2. The slavery is part-time but real.
3. She doesn't need to be turned on at the same time as you.
4. Her pleasure is an extension of what she already enjoys.
5. Your pleasure is a byproduct of her pleasure.
6. She gets something she couldn't and shouldn't get from a vanilla relationship.
7. You never* say no if she asks for femdom.
   *Unless you have a good practical reason.

To learn how to get this to work, take a look at my Femdom manual.

Femdom means no more bad sex ever, and more intimacy...

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Relationship Modes

These hardwired human relationship models that researchers have identified? I'm going to rechristen them so they make more sense within an actual relationship:

• LOVE MODE (was COMMUNAL SHARING): Share and share alike without keeping tally. Think a couple sharing a meal they cooked together. Any trading has to be like for like, with near simultaneous benefit. 
• AUTHORITY MODE (was AUTHORITY RANKING): One person in charge, the other does as they're told. Think "eat your greens, child!".
• FRIENDSHIP MODE (was EQUALITY MATCHING): Rough turn and turn about. Think, two friends taking it in turns to pick up the tab for coffee.
• CALCULATION MODE(was MARKET PRICING/RATIONAL LEGAL): Carefully calculated interactions. Think, you buy a meal in a cafe.

These all have their place in a day-to-day vanilla relationship.

Take chores.

Generally, we share the chores without thinking about it (Love Mode). Sometimes one of us is the expert and takes control, e.g. interior decorating (Authority Mode). At times, we explicitly trade chores, perhaps I do the kitchen and she does the living room (Friendship Mode). Only when things go wrong do we end up in Calculation Mode - "Hey - I spent two $%!***! hours in the kitchen while you gave the living room surfaces a quick wipe then retreated to the bath!"

Some things, like sex and intimacy, are supposed to belong only in one mode. Applying the wrong mode breaks a taboo. This partly explains why some couples have such a hard time getting Femdom off the ground.

The most important thing you need to know when trying to get your vanilla wife or girlfriend to dominate you

Or, why some men can  trade housework for Femdom, but you probably can't...

Some women want to win the "Battle
of the Sexes", but probably not your wife
or girlfriend (sorry)

I've been reading this book called "Better Angels" by Steven Pinker. It's all about the "civilising process", how humans have moved from being violent and slave owning to being liberal hippies, or something like that.

Obviously, I've been reading it because I'm always looking for ways to rewind the civilising process on a local basis, thus creating a violence-prone pocket of (female) slave owners :)

I got to page 626 and thwack! - there it was. Fiske's Relational Models.

No, no, please don't go to sleep. Give this  a moment. It really is valuable. I promise I'll try to boil it down to something more digestible, but not any time soon.

It turns out that humans in general are near-as-damn-it hard-wired to pigeon-hole relationships into just 4 models:

COMMUNAL SHARING: Share and share alike without keeping tally. Think a couple sharing a meal.
AUTHORITY RANKING: One person in charge, the other does as they're told. Think "eat your greens, child!".
EQUALITY MATCHING: Rough turn and turn about. Think, two friends taking it in turns to pick up the tab for coffee.
MARKET PRICING/RATIONAL LEGAL: Carefully calculated interactions. Think, you buy a meal in a cafe.

These models - his word, but think "modes" if you want - determine correct behaviour in any interaction:

You have to use the right model for the interaction. Using the wrong one gets you into trouble and moreover feels Just Plain Wrong.

For example, you don't offer to pay friends for the dinner party, order your friend to eat his greens, or compliment the restaurant staff on the fine meal and say they must come round to your apartment some time.

Some things are sacred.Offering cash for a dinner party invite is a faux pas. Offering cash for a night with your host's wife puts you beyond the pale.


(Sorry, all a bit dry. Go look at Femdom and flapper images for a moment, then come back... Better? Good.)


So how does Fiske's Relational Model Apply to Femdom?

So, you want your vanilla partner to dominate you.

First problem, even talking about your sexual relationshop violates the Communal Sharing model by trying to apply Market Pricing/Rational Legal. Whoops!

Oh, sure, we're all supposed to talk about our relationships, but that's because of decades of self help books and pop psychology reframing it as an act of love within the Communal Sharing model; Let's have better and more mutual sex, let's be more intimate, more sharing. As soon as you stray from the vanilla, you're straying from that prepared ground and a feeling of wrongness may pervade the conversation.

Next problem, you're trying  to shift things from Communal Sharing to Authority Ranking, which is usually a no-no.

Finally, it might seem all very rational to point out the practical benefits - "If I'm your slave, then I'll clean the apartment lots". However, that means you're trying to persuade your wife or girlfriend to use something sacred - sex, intimacy, emotion - in order to buy something practical, or offering something practical in return for something intimate... either way you're applying Market Pricing/Rational Legal to something sacred within Communal Sharing. Major no no.

Instead of Femdom, substitute "blow job" and you'll see what I mean: "Hey, honey, if you blow me more often and I'll spring clean the house and do the lawn."

Yes, I know. Slavery is something you want to do for her, and a BJ is the other way around. But both are acts of intimacy. Sorry.

Hang on, you said some men can trade housework for Femdom...

Some women, deep down, see relationships as adversarial, or at least an ongoing negotiation. It's the last throws of the Battle of the Sexes. They probably already use sex or its withholding to get what they want in the relationship. Come home from work with a bonus, and there's a bonus in the bedroom for you. Neglect that roof repair, and her headache lasts months.

That kind of relationship belongs in Equality Matching.

Not my cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with that - it's how couples have operated since the Dawn of Time.

For all their apparent cynicism, Equality Matching relationships do have lots of advantages.

First, she has permission to be sexual - she may be quite conservative and need an excuse to let go.

Second, it makes (semi) explicit the things that happen anyway. If the roof repair is your responsibility, and you neglect it, well that's kind of selfish and hurtful. The sex is likely to dry up anyway.

So if he says, "Use sex to control me, it'll be fun", then she may gleefully seize on the advantage in the Battle of the Sexes, and have a choice to enjoy the game without having to admit that's what she's doing.

Women from a similar cultural or emotional background may also think, deep down, that the proper model for a relationship is Authority Ranking, with them in charge. If that's their underlying assumption, then there's at least a chance that they will want to be in control, for an evening or for much longer.

Unfortunately - or fortunately - the rest of us, especially the younger generations, don't think this way. We're obsessed with keeping our relationships within Communal Sharing and only have permission to go Market Pricing/Rational Legal in order to stay there.

So, what about the rest of us?

Most modern, educated Western women have a strong sense that their relationship should sit squarely within the Communal Sharing model. You can't tempt them out with supposed benefits because they like mutuality, and because it would Feel Wrong -  like offering a haddock a banana.

So, how the heck do you even approach the subject?

Well, as described in my Femdom how-to book, actually. (This new information only makes me more confident of what I've already suggested.)

The rules of the Communal Sharing model seem to be pretty much:

• Trade like for like
• Aim for near simultaneous benefits

Anything else feels... disingenuous and calculating, so reeks of the Market Pricing/Rational Legal model.

Go back to blow jobs as a reality check In the midst of sweaty sex, "Blow me and I'll lick you off," is not an out of place proposition, nor is the 69 position.

So, since Femdom is pretty obviously an erotic thing, start in the bedroom (and possibly expect to stay there). For each possible aspect of the shared experience, find matching benefits.

• Trade erotic for erotic - It will be erotic for you, and erotic for her. Don't suggest that Femdom will make you more loving, that's Erotic for Intimacy.
• Trade intimacy for intimacy -  Sharing a fantasy experience makes you mutually vulnerable and hence intimate. Don't suggest that she can use her power on you to force you to be intimate, that's Market Pricing/Rational Legal talk!
• Trade emotion for emotion - You will enjoy affectionately pampering her as much as she enjoys being affectionately pampered. Yes, giving her a 1 hour massage will probably turn you on unbearably, but you don't need to dwell on that.

For Service beyond the bedroom, you can still trade emotion for emotion. However, once she's comfortable with Femdom, you have the possibility of moving the interaction into Equality Matching:

• Trade practical things for practical things: For example, being a slave is mentally relaxing, so why doesn't she relax and let you serve her? Again, this will often or mostly be erotic for you, but there's no need to dwell on this.

I'm not saying lie, or manipulate. I'm just saying be appropriate. 

You wouldn't say, "Let's watch a chick flick with a bottle of wine so we can get in the mood for dirty sex later," so why approach Femdom any differently?

(For advice consistent with all this, take a look at my book, "The Vanilla Dominatrix or Getting Your Wife or Girlfriend to Sexually Dominate You".)

Making his chastity fantasy work for you - PART 2: The three flavours of male chastity

Everybody's different, there's not "one true way" in Femdom, chastity or any kind of relationship.

Unfortunately, the Internet tends to give the impression that there's only one kind of male chastity:

She has the keys and teases him mercilessly while using her power to get him to do the housework. If he's luck he might get to come once a month...

Nothing wrong with that, but people are more complex, and a male chastity device is a far more subtle toy or tool than people seem to think.

If you talk to people, read what they say online, then there are three broad flavours of chastity fantasy (apart from the first, the terms are my own)

The CHASTIZED wants out of the belt so he can orgasm ASAP. However, you have the keys and can use them as leverage to get almost anything you want - the kinkier the better, as far as he's concerned. He enjoys being on the wrong end of this kind of power.

The CHATHLETE wants out of the belt  but regards chastity as the equivalent of an athletics endurance test. He wants to struggle through to some goal of days or weeks. Your role is part coach and part opposition. Half the time you're encouraging him, the other half teasing him and making his life an erotic hell. It doesn't matter who has the keys.

The CHAYSTE male doesn't really want out of the belt once he's in. He enjoys the continuous arrousal and hightened awareness, and the sense of permission he gets from not having his penis in play. He'd also like to think that he's doing this as an act of deep submission. Keys? What keys.
(I suspect more chastity obsessed males are chayste than they let on, and that this flavour underlies the other two. However, it;s unfare to point this out to anybody.)

These three flavours of chastity all involve the same thing; some sort of chastity device. However, they work quite differently. For example, release is only an incentive for the Chastized. It would be a real let down for the Chathalete when he's two days short of his target, or the Chayste when he's wallowing in desire.

Even so, you can make each of these flavours of chastity fantasy work for you in ways that are emotional, practical and erotic.

• Emotional - There's nothing wrong with pleasing a partner you love. Making  a fantasy come true is a great gift which, if handled properly, need cost you very little effort.
• Practical - Handled correctly, all three males will performs services for you that are beyond the call of normal duty. I don't mean doing their share of the chores, I mean doing most of the chores. Better yet, they'll love you for it.
• Erotic - No possibility of male orgasm, and lots of desire. How's that going to work out? Read on and find out....

Next time, Lazy ways to make his chastity fantasy come true.

For more female-centric Femdom thinking like this, try my How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

Making his chastity fantasy work for you - PART 1: WTF?

OK, so he wants you to "force" (ha ha) him to wear a chastity device, and probably to tease and deny him.

WTF?

Male chastity fantasies and fetishes - sorry, they're just weird; and I should know, I have one. When in kink mode, I am happiest when locked into a chastity belt for the duration of the action, and overnight if possible.

If you're a natural "service top", one of those wonderful women who likes to facilitate her man's fantasies, then you probably don't need to read on. Just listen to him and work out how to make it true. There's also a lot of good femdom advice over on Mistress Ivey's blog.

However, most women - most people - are not service tops, or can't keep it up for more than an evening, and I bet he wants this for several evenings in a row, and possibly in between. It's starting to look less like a kinky game and more like a lot of hard work for you.

Before we go any further, remember, you have a right to say no, to tell him to put the stupid toy away except for the odd session when you are feeling generous.

However, if you are at least willing to consider the idea, because you love him, or because it might be an adventure, or because you're feeling generous, then this series of blog posts may help.

I'm not going to waste time on understanding his fantasy. It's enough to know that it probably...

• Pushes some well established buttons - thanks to frequent masturbation, men's fantasies wander around all over the shop, then lodge in odd places where they become more intense through repetition.
• Originally worked around some now defunct issues - perhaps he felt ambivalent about sex, once upon a time, or perhaps he used to have performance anxiety... he's over this now, but the fantasies he developed to get around these fears remain.
• Gives him amazing highs - men don't get much of a plateau phase before they tumkble off the orgasm and into ejaculation; chastity is all about plateau.
• Has an romantic component - he wants his chastity to be a gift (even if it's actually an anoyance)
• Isn't a physical rejection of you - it's more a desire to return to the adolescant experience of obsession and lust (delayed gratification does that to a man)

All very interesting, perhaps, but not very useful.

I'm also not going to words on trying to get you to be turned on by his fantasy. Sure there are erotic activities around his chastity that might push your buttons, but the device and the fantasy wrapped around it - they belong to him.

Moresover, Male Chastity is designed keep him sexually aroused an awful lot of the time. The idea is for him to wallow in a bath of eroticism... to return to the experience of teenage. Unless you are using some other device, you're just not going to feel that way all the time. But then men think about sex more than women anyway, so let's just not go there.

Instead, I'm going to work through the several kinds of male chastity and show you how to make them worth the trouble.

As always, the motto is:

Male chastity should offer you something you couldn't or shouldn't get through a normal relationship.

Part-time Femdom gives you more certainty than lifestyle/FLR/WLM

Over on another blog, a submissive male referred to his mistress-wife giving him the gift of a year of chastity.

Of course, for a submissive male, it is a gift (though my book is all about making this worth her while). The snag is that part of the buzz comes from it also being a torment.

So you end up with...

• It is evil for a mistress to force her slave to be chaste
• It is good for a wife to pretend to force her submissive husband to be chaste

You get the same problem with all the whips and chains that go with a Femdom eroticism.

• It is evil for a mistress to be callous or sadistic to her slave 
• It is good for a wife to pretend to be callous or sadistic to her submissive husband

Some people can carry this off. Most people - and this means most women - find this a bit confusing on all levels, including the moral one. If you weave fantasies of evil into real life, then there's a natural fear of becoming evil. The brakes are on.

Meanwhile, the male submissive is caught in the paradox of consent:

• The slave naturally pleads with the mistress for the experience to end.
• The submissive husband naturally wants to experience to continue (and enjoys pleading).

So, if he pleads or whines, is this an attempt to negotiate the rules of the game, or just in-character emoting? How is she to tell?

If - like me - Femdom attracts you because it creates islands of certainty, then this is a bit of problem.

If the Femdom relationship is  strictly part-time, however, things are simpler.

• She can be a mistress with no real world consequences.
• He can be a slave, with no reference to the real world.

I prefer it that way...

Mistakes Subs Make: Obsessing about the "scene"

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How to get your wife or girlfriend to dominate you - just ask!

Earlier I pointed out that subs are really very bad at following through - they ask to be sexually dominated, but then they don't produce the whips and the chains and say, "Is now a good moment for Femdom?"

However, some inexperienced subs are even worse. As Mistress Blaze puts it:

He is casually hinting around at the idea. Of course she won't take the bait

It's a repeat of that Nice Guy Dating Fail, where he hangs around loudly being her "Platonic friend" but all the time praying that he'll wear away her reistance and she'll just kind of drop into his lap.

Women don't work that way. Dating doesn't work that way.

Sex doesn't work that way.

Most of all; Kink doesn't work that way.

If you want her to dominate you, you have to ask for it directly. And then you have to follow through.

It's usually better to ask for something specific. Better yet, ask for a Femdom kink that fits who she is and extends her vanilla sexuallity.

My Femdom manual - The Vanilla Dominatrix or Getting Your Wife or Girlfriend
to Sexually Dominate You - goes into this in detail. However, if you're in a rush, try looking at the erotic things she does enjoy, and working out how bondage and devices and power exchange would make that better for her.

As many flavours of femdom as there are couples...

If he's wearing a chastity belt, then it's
still Femdom!

There's a nice reminder on Robert Anthony's blog that there are as many flavours of femdom as there are couples.

He and his wife have an ongoing chastity "game" - she decides when he gets to come and sometimes enjoys teasing and denying him. However - as far as I can gather - that's it. No whips and chains, no domestic service, not really any cringing either. He's not even in a chastity belt! Yes, the chastity - as he reports it, and I tend to believe him - works entirely on the honour system.

That's a lesson it's worth holding in the mind. You don't have to get your Femdom off the shelf, there's no one size fits all.

In fact, your fantasies are probably less important than the power exchange - the raw Femdom.

Don't believe me? Rewind a little.

Before you had relationships, and before you settled down, you probably had all sorts of ideas about the kind of relationship you would have.
And then, when you you fell in love for real, did much of that come true? I'll bet, not.

It takes both parties to build a relationship. The end result is bound to be different from the preconceptions each party brought with them. Some old ideas just don't fit, and some new ideas turn out to hit the spot.

The same goes for a Femdom slave-mistress relationship.

If she's being a dominatrix for her own pleasure, and not just "service topping", then her preferences just aren't going to be a perfect counterpart for yours, not least because some kinks require far more in effort  than she could possibly get out in pleasure.

Even if you feed in ideas... even if she treats your kinks as a kind of menu and adds none of her own... the end result is going to be hers, not yours.

If you've read my book on how to turn your wife or girlfriend into a dominatrix, then you'll know that I  don't think that's a bad thing.

There's a deliciously dark terror in submitting, really submitting, in letting go and becoming a real slave, albeit for an evening or a weekend.

"7 steps to becoming a Vanilla Dominatrix" - anything I should cover?

I have the first draft! However, I wonder if there are topics other people think I should cover?

(This is a how-to Femdom book for female readers. It's not about becoming a "good dom", or any sort of spiritual journey. Rather it's about how to use his Femdom fantasies to satisfy your vanilla needs and whims; a backrub is a backrub, after all.)

Please drop me an email at gilesenglishCB@gmail.com, or post in the comments!