Female Led Relationship when her attachment style is Avoidant and his is Anxious

"It hurt"

 My attachment style is Anxious, my wife's is Avoidant. It's the perfect storm of kink...

Last night I knelt naked on the floor while Xena sat on the bed, looking very retro an elegant hand knit cardigan, and went over our finances then the state of the house. The money is going OK (please buy my books!), but I have been an inadequate house slave.

So she had me chain myself up, then she beat me.

"My wife's attachment style is Avoidant."

It hurt, made me squirm.

My wife has the knack of not hitting the sweet spots of shoulders and across the buttocks. Instead the blows rained on my flanks or individual buttocks. By the time she paused, I was whimpering and scared.

She hesitated, then touched my buttock with the whip and I yelped, squirmed. That made her giggle.

She did her face and teeth in the en suite then resumed the beating.

Five minutes later I was huddled up on the floor close to sobbing - but also hard as a rock in my chastity cage.

"Unchain yourself. Rub my feet."

I put away the chains, eased pyjamas over my smarting skin. Then I knelt and rubbed her feet while she read. I had my collar on, which means mute mode, but I wouldn't have dared talk  anyway.

When she'd had enough, I knelt in the corner. She sent me on an errand to the kitchen then let me come to bed. No kiss good night, but it was nice to lie beside her.

About 430AM, something woke me. She was stirring. I asked her if she was OK and she merely sent me to my cell - her dressing room where I keep a camping mat.

At 630 my phone alarm went off. I woke in my collar and chastity cage, camping out in my cell, and all because my mistress wanted it. It's hard to describe how satisfying that was!

I slipped into the bedroom and knelt. She was actually awake, reading, but ignored me for twenty minutes until she wanted breakfast.

A bit later on there was a cuddle and a chat, but there have been times when she's barked orders then strode off to work leaving me in my collar with a long task list.

---

"We look like a perfect
middle aged couple"

So...

That probably all sounds as bleak as hell. And if you're into BDSM culture, you're probably wondering where all the check-ins were, the affirmative consent, the aftercare...

Totally absent.

There is a Safe Word, but it's for actual safety only.

And though I consent to all this, I'm aware it would be very hard to withdraw my consent. The Femdom might go away and with that the thing that makes our relationship work.

We've only understood this recently.

I'm an extrovert, but I get overloaded (I'm probably an "ambivert" or Highly Sensitive Person, or whatever). My attachment style is "Anxious", making me needy.

Xena is an introvert. Her attachment style is (probably) "Avoidant", making her aloof.

Needy and Aloof.

We were initially a good vanilla match.

She needed my extrovertism to help her reach beyond herself, I needed her introvertism to create a quiet space to retreat to. We could party together, but also sit quietly in the same room and read.

The attachment styles also worked.

She was attracted to my unconditional warmth, and I to her tranquillity and strength,

This is important. Couples complete each-other, help each other grow. There are positive sides to our attachment styles.

And the first few years of our relationship were about that. I'm no doormat.  I prodded and nudged her into discovering her warmer and more nurturing side, she set boundaries and taught me not to be too clingy.

And yes, perhaps I learned to settle for less. However, she learned to send out smoke signals to tell me how she felt: a well-thought gesture here, a perfect gift there.

Remember, whatever my reasons - the above could all be after-the-fact confabulation! - I wanted to be with her the way she was, and she likewise wanted to be with me. We only had to adapt a little to make it work. If she'd totally opened up, or if I'd totally shut down, it would have been a disaster.

"My wife liked hurting me."

We were also, of course, kinky from the start. However, the kink was sporadic. She was the world's worst service top, and never really into becoming the full-on  teasing, trash talking, fantasy facilitating dominatrix. She was also way too serious and literal to engage in any kind of fantasy roleplaying.

What she did like was (a) being served, and (b) hurting me.

Essentially, kink worked as long as we were doing power exchange "for real", rather than acting out negotiated scenes. When I finally came to embrace that, I had to let go of the prospect of lots of fun activities. The upside was that I got to experience my fantasies for real, and the fantasies quickly revealed themselves to be an orientation.

But before that slow illumination happened, time had to pass.

Life happened. Stress and fatigue stripped away some of what we'd learned, and we fell into the old dance: she'd be distant, I'd feel insecure and crowd her, she'd push me away, making me feel more insecure, making me crowd her...

"All her bugs became features"

Our Female Led Relationship fixed all this.

First, all Xena's bugs became features.

I suspect, on some level, her lack of easy warmth had always made her feel a little inadequate, and insecure, and thus irritated, and the irritation made her withdraw more, if only to get her retaliation in first.

Suddenly, all that cold disengagement is a good thing.

Not only does it make her unbelievably scarily hot when in full mistress mode, it also generates more authentic Femdom than you can shake a stick at.

She has permission to be ruthless, so she's ruthless.

She likes getting her way, likes being served, enjoys peace and quiet, sometimes likes the bed to herself.

She sets me chores and targets, beats me if I fail. She's off penetration or off my pensis, or doesn't think I deserve one - it's not clear - so mostly keeps me locked in chastity - I recently spent 11 months locked 24/7.

Every evening, I'm her mute slave, attending to her every need, sometimes sleeping in my cell.

That's been the tone of my life for the last five years. I am in sub heaven.

But there are also vanilla benefits. FLR let us square the circle, have our cake and eat it.

I'm insecure - right? -  and she has difficulty giving affirmations. But as I type this, I'm sealed into a chastity device and I spent last night sleeping in a collar. I feel owned, which is pretty much as secure as a man like me can get.

I need intimacy, she needs space. But last night, I knelt quietly, in her intimate space but not intruding on it.

"Our vanilla relationship
is warmer and fluffier than ever"

I need to be truly seen and known and valued, she dislikes fusses and introspections. But kneeling there in my collar and chastity device, taking her real world orders, I have all the acknowledgement I need, and all the validation I can take.

And Xena, who loves me and wants me to love her but can't reliably reach out to me in vanilla ways, and thus sometimes probably feels irritatingly insecure?

She knows she owns me, that I could never have something so darkly intense with anybody else. And perhaps the chastity device helps as well - who knows?

Small surprise then, now there are no hidden tensions to blight it, our vanilla relationship is warmer and fluffier than ever. We make time to go out and have coffee together at the weekends. Sometimes I walk her to work. We cuddle up in front of the TV, we cook together, we go on country walks and kick through the autumn leaves holding hands.

To an observer, we are probably the perfect middle aged couple, still in love after all these year.

How sweet.

But the observer wouldn't see my sealed on chastity device, nor my welts, nor the collar in the bedside drawer, the one I wore last night as I slept in my cell...

---

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Are You Ready for Permanent Chastity (or at least Long Term Open Ended Chastity)?

Are you braced for uncomfortable truths?

I spent nearly a year sealed into my Custom Chastity Saint.

(It clearly wasn't "permanent as in perpetual". However, it was "permanent chastity" in the sense of "persistent", or in the way that a window can be "permanently" nailed shut; release entailed a positive decision, privacy and tools. And "permanent" is the term the community uses, so so shall I.)

There are lots of reasons why people do "permanent chastity". It's a very different experience from keyholder-style chastity and creates a very different dynamic.

But, are you ready for it?

Allergic to Own Semen? Postorgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS) after 11 months of chastity?

So, a few days before our flight, I broke the seal on my chastity device and masturbated.

I'd worn my Custom Chastity Saint 24/7 for eleven and a half months, with no breaks for "inspection" or whatever. There'd also been no teasing or ruined orgasms.

And this was my first orgasm in nearly a year! I opted to treat my dick with care and avoid bruising. Rather than pumping away like a lunatic, I used a vibrator on the head.

Semen isn't hydraulics, orgasms aren't steam. Once you are beyond a couple of weeks, increased abstinence doesn't grant you an increasingly powerful orgasm.

However, the build up was delightful, the climax intense -

- then intensely painful.

The inside of my penis stung like hell and continued to sting even after I peed. My penis puffed up as if it had actually been stung. My pubic triangle flushed red and started to dry and flake and stayed that way for weeks.

I also, shortly after, caught a low grade virus and my mood swung to a low.

This was all so remarkable, I ended up googling, "Can you be allergic to your own semen?"

The horrific answer is, "Yes, probably."

Strangely, there isn't a lot of research around this, and the only way of being sure is to get your doctor to arrange a skin test for you, in which you basically get stabbed with needles steeped in your own cum... I'm really not sure about having that conversation, especially because it seems it's our very kinky lifestyle that may have stripped away the desensitisation!

However. there is enough research to merit a Wikipedia entry, and an odd POIS subreddit where the chatter is remarkably similar to the no-fap communities.

Wikipedia gives one medical description as:

1. One or more of the following symptoms: sensation of a flu-like state, extreme fatigue or exhaustion, weakness of musculature, experiences of feverishness or perspiration, mood disturbances and / or irritability, memory difficulties, concentration problems, incoherent speech, congestion of nose or watery nose, itching eyes;
2. all symptoms occur immediately (e.g., seconds), soon (e.g., minutes), or within a few hours after ejaculation that is initiated by coitus, and / or masturbation, and / or spontaneously (e.g., during sleep);
3. symptoms occur always or nearly always, e.g., in more than 90% of ejaculation events;
4. most of these symptoms last for about 2–7 days; and
5. disappear spontaneously.^[1]

However, the POIS community will tell you of lots of other symptoms and progressions.

All these symptoms were familiar to me from back when I used to masturbate regularly, and from my youth when I was very sexually active indeed. However, back then, I was having orgasms so frequently as to obscure cause and effect - like being  a heavy drinker and always having a headache.

The puffy penis, I'd always put down to mild bruising - but this time I used a vibrator.

The red pubic triangle, I'd always assumed was sweat rash... I've had some kind of eczema there  since I was 18, when I started having regular sex - I can date that because I remember going to the doctor with it.

The virus... I've had a runny nose since adolescence.

The mood... I've tended towards being low since adolescence.

The stinging... I think that was new. However, it's only in the last few years that I've had long periods of abstinence.

Talking of which, despite the lack of orgasms and only sporadic sexual engagement from Xena, the last year has been suspiciously healthy and cheerful, and my pubic triangle was a normal colour, so much so that the sudden switch to red was a shock.

So where does that leave me, assuming I really am allergic to my own semen?

Well, on the upside, we now have pretty ultimate chastity security. If I cheat and get off, my pubic triangle literally flags up my transgression. Xena finds this very amusing.

On the health side, there's an intersection between my kink and my health. There are possibly good reasons for not having orgasms. Xena also finds that amusing.

On the weird side... I'm left wondering if my fetish isn't an instinctive response to something my body knew that my mind didn't.

And I also wonder how many of my fellow chastity fetishists are also in the same boat. It's a commonplace that breaking chastity causes mood swings. I wonder what else people are experiencing.

So next time I come, I'm going to keep a close eye on any symptoms. That's supposed to be in two weeks time, but with Xena I can never tell...

---

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I just published some really dark erotica

I wrote something really fucked up.

My writing just took me to a really dark place. I wrote something really fucked up.

For example, Severus, the hero, and his friends have just been captured by Celtic Amazons. Imagine his surprise to discover his hot ex wife is one of the slaves!

Severus rolled back onto his knees and started to stand. The chain rattled and tugged at his balls. Somehow it was less embarrassing to kneel. “Look, Vesta,” he said. “When I heard the Ninth were marching north, I pulled strings to get transferred to it. I came her to get you.”

“How very brave,” said Vesta. “After five years. But you should have come and got me when I left you, not let your friends persuade you to divorce me. If you hadn’t divorced me, then I wouldn’t have had to marry Sejanus, and he wouldn’t have taken me beyond the Wall, and barbarians wouldn’t have enslaved me.” She touched the iron slave collar that wound around her delicate throat.

Severus chewed his lip. The collar was all the more shocking because, despite the short off-white tunic, Vesta didn’t otherwise look like a slave. She was too well groomed, too confident in her posture, and her long blond hair was piled up on her head, not cut short as was the custom for slaves among both Romans and Celts. “I never gave up on you,” he said. “I haven’t changed my will either.”

“She talks way too much,” said Vindex. “Women like that aren’t worth fighting over.” He caught Severus’s look. “Just saying.”

Vesta laughed. “Neither of you can have me now.” She raised the hem of her short tunic revealing white-blond pubic hair and…

“Steady on,” began Severus, even as his penis twitched into life in anticipation of once again seeing her hungrily bulging inner lips that he still pictured when he masturbated, or paid for a blow job in the baths.

“By Jupiter!” exclaimed Horatius. “That’s harsh.”

A band of silver chainmail covered Vesta’s slit from top to bottom like a malign cobweb. It was actually anchored in her outer lips, with little hoops like earrings piercing the soft flesh. There was no reddening of the surrounding skin, and the blond curls grew through the edges of the band like weeds through an abandoned fisherman’s net.

Severus had a vision of Vesta when they were newly wed: fingering herself so her inner lips writhed, parting her legs to let in his penis, and the sounds she made when she came, the way a flush would spread from her cheeks to her throat and all the way to her honey-white breasts.

“He! He!” cackled the old man [He's also a prisoner - been here a long time]. “All the slave girls are like that.”

“That’s been there a long time,” blurted Severus.

“Five years,” she said.

“No wonder she’s cranky,” said Horatius.

Vesta smiled tightly. “You have no idea.”

A chain rattled. The old man had an erection and was starting to masturbate. “No orgasms for the little Roman hussies,” he gasped.

Maybe it was the effect of 11 months in permanent chastity, or maybe my imagination has been liberated by leaving behind Amazon and its consent theatre... whatever it was, I just wrote a story of real slavery, with piercings and castrations (off screen!), and other men's erections, even a bit of cuckoldry.

Unlike my other fantasy Femdom worlds, this is not a place I'd remotely want to go, though it was a hell of a turn on to write it.

It'll take some unpacking. In the mean time, go download the sample so you know what I'm talking about.

---

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"My dominant didn't read my mind" - how to avoid accidental consent violations (no collar, no kink)

I keep seeing posts from inexperienced female subs, along the lines of:

"We were doing Consensual Non-Consent, but it got uncomfortable. I didn't safeword because I froze up. Now I feel traumatised. Was this abuse?"

If I were a maledom, I would find such posts mildly terrifying.

Yes, of course, feelings are real, trauma is real. Freezing up is a real thing.

But.

Unscripted BDSM is an adult extreme sport, thrilling but hazardous. Things are bound to go wrong.

The only certainty is that you will at some point get emotionally or physically hurt. Safe words are vital, but one of the hazards of BDSM is that you might discover you can't use yours. (Another hazard is the slippery slope.)

The only way a dominant can 100% avoid creating a distressing experience is if they are are always performing dominance, crafting an experience for the sub, never just being dominant.

It's unrealistic to expect a partner to break the taboo of being dominant and also reliably read non verbal cues that contradict the agreed context, and do so during an actual sexual act.

It's also unfair.

Why would a normal person want to enter a situation where they only find out whether or not they are an abuser after the event?

I think most of these couples set themselves up for the situation by wanting to move smoothly between vanilla and kink in the moment. Some of it is "not owning your kink", and some of it - I think - is a gendered problem; for whatever reasons, women tend to appreciate subtlety and nuance in communication, and men with a dominant streak like the idea of being able to grab what they want.

Unfortunately, there's not much room for nuance in BDSM, which is one of its main selling points. So, unless you are very robust indeed, you need some way of signalling which mode you are in.

Buy a collar that doesn't lock and have a rule: no collar, no kink.

This will enable each of you to ask for kink indirectly - you can just put the collar on, or he can ask you if you want to wear it, or one or the other of you can leave it out as a hint - and also signal when kink is over. It will also have the added benefit of affirming that you are being submissive, and not  a doormat.

Or don't, but then don't complain of there are tears before, during or after bedtime.

---

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Midweek Femdom: Last night, this morning

It's hard to blog at the moment. Here's why.

Last night, Xena had a report to read. I knelt at the end of the bed and mutely massaged her feet for an hour.

For those that have just tuned in, she keeps me in a Custom Chastity Saint. I was sealed for almost a year, then was released for a couple of weeks - I'm still processing that! - now I'm locked until a trip in a couple of weeks.

Honestly, she just wanted a foot rub while she worked. She was totally using me...

Which - plus she has nice feet - totally turned me on.

Then around midnight she beat me - I hadn't reached my daily wordcount. Sure, beating is a BDSM thing and turned me on. However, it hurt enough that today I'm typing like a lunatic. (I'm taking a break to write this otherwise my brain would explode.)

Finally, she banished me to my cell - her dressing room where I have a bedding roll amidst her boots and shoes. I closed the door but heard her rummaging in the toy drawer.

You see, the beating had also turned her on.

I had to lie there for half an hour, my buttocks smarting, my cock hard in its cage, while the vibrator buzzed in the next room. Then her light went off.

In the morning, I emerged to kneel on the floor until she wanted breakfast. Then coffee. She told me my tasks for the day, remind me about word count, and went off to work.

And that's pretty much routine for me.

Sure, the majority of the time we're just like any other couple, but that majority is pretty slim and distributed in the early evening. Every night at a minimum finds me kneeling on the floor waiting to be called to bed.

None of it is very epic, nor have there been any major high points... which is fine. This is as happy as I have ever been. I get more Femdom in a working week, than many subs my generation see in a lifetime.

Plus, it's real. 

None of it was scripted. The rules - the culture, if you like - of my slavery were negotiated. My wife can treat me like a slave if she treats me as a slave. I;m not a doormat, I'm a submissive. Within that framework,  she was pretty much suiting herself. 

Xena - an introvert - was peopled out, had work to do, wanted a foot rub, didn't want an audience when she masturbated, did want the bed to herself. It was as if the power relationship were real.

It turns me on just thinking about it. The snag is I can't wank and I have five more pages of erotica to write before she comes home...

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Ask Giles: Why does everybody say dominants have to be empathetic?

This came up on Reddit. The classic books on dominance emphasise the need for empathy, why?

As you might guess, my response was basically because they are wrong!

Speaking as a life long sub, I think empathy is most emphatically not required.

The reason empathy is pitched as essential is that the BDSM community, especially online, tends to assume one style of D/s as the default: call it "Scene D/s".

In this, the dominant's primary role is to generate kinky experiences for the sub, and their dominance is expressed through the power to control the flow of kink. Dominants are earnestly advised to try being on the receiving end, and there are lots of classes to attend and skills to learn. The scene itself is often planned, and may play out collaboratively.

There's nothing wrong with Scene D/s. In fact it has a lot going for it. It's a robust approach when the players themselves may not themselves be robust, and especially so if you don't know them well. It can also generate some amazing highs and intimacy between couples.

However, I think this emphasis on play tends to frame the dominant as a service provider whose performance can be rated. It also creates the expectation that dominant women will behave like free alternatives to pro-dominants, putting some women off entirely, and creating annoying behaviour in malesubs.

Scene D/s also requires emotional labour, which makes it an unsustainable proposition for partners who don't have have a fetish, but would otherwise enjoy exploring their dominant streak - we see lots of questions along the lines of "My partner was into kink (which I introduced) but now they seem never to have time or energy" and the answer is always "Consider what's in it for them".

The alternative path, for which fewer soft skills are required, is to practice - call it - Actual D/s. 
In Actual D/s, the dominant does pretty much what they want (within hard limits and subject to safewords) and the sub takes the rough with the smooth. The dominant still has to be not evil or stupid, but they don't have to constantly monitor the sub's feelings or arousal. This approach requires the sub to be physically and emotionally robust, and is probably less than wise with a stranger.

As you can tell, I prefer this approach because it feels thrillingly real, and because I get a kick out of being on the wrong end of dark feeling and impulses.

One selling point for my mistress Xena is that she can take a break from using her empathy...

So the short answer is: because most discourse around BDSM assumes that it is collaborative play.

---

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Would I go to Chastity Planet? Would you?

Chastity Planet

I wonder how they're doing?

Does she like her new place?

Is he settling into his new life?

It's odd.

I completed Chastity Planet: Chaste Spring Break more than two weeks ago, but I can't get the hero and his... um... new partner... out of my head. (Sorry, I'm trying not to spoiler the story.)

He's not an authorial projection - honest! he's not me! - but he feels like a real person, and I feel as if I have experienced his adventures on Artemisia (my Femdom future pleasure planet).

And, to be honest, I envy him. He's having the youth I wish I could have had.

On Chastity Planet, the power exchange is real and unquestioned. Better yet, it's teeming with normal young women just there to have a good time, or to enjoy the serenity of a world in which males are second class citizens or slaves.

Would I go there now, for real? With Xena?

Get your ticket to Chastity Planet!

I'd love to be able to be out about our dynamic, would love to see her thrive in an all-female professional environment. I've also noticed that the more established her power over me, the more ruthless she becomes. Yes please!

Would I have gone back when I was young and single? To have no agency, no choice over who owned or used me?

Writing erotica has taught me that "straight malesub" is my orientation, perhaps even my gender.

I would have content spending a few years having no choice over who I served and serviced. I can think of no better memory to carry away than of long hours kneeling in the licking booths, or long months keeping house for my mistress, whoever she was.

I am phenomenally lucky to be married to Xena. However, I wish I'd been to Chastity Planet.

How about you? Would you do it for real?

---

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9 months of "permanent chastity" turns out to be FLR magic

"Go to your cell."

"Go to your cell, slave," says Xena, my wife of nearly a quarter of a century.

"Yes, mistress," I say, and scurry off into the dressing room. It's small and full of shoes and coats - smells of leather and woman - but there's room for a sleeping mat. What started off as a backstop for when I snored has ended up as an option whenever Xena wants the bed to herself - like this weekday night. I turn off the light and lie down.

 Service from an undemanding
chattel slave suits her.

I don't complain. I have my leather collar on, which means full stoic slave mode, no personality, no conversation. That also started as an occasional option. However, at the moment it's standard for the evenings - Xena has a big work project on, and doesn't have much social energy at the end of the day. Service from an undemanding chattel slave suits her.

Also, the fact she can do this to me turns me on horribly. I'm uncomfortably hard inside my Custom Chastity Saint, and have to arrange myself on my back.

Xena's light doesn't go off. There's a rummaging in drawers, then the buzz of a vibrator. Sated, she - apparently - falls asleep with the light on. I fall asleep eventually, and dream of Chastity Planet.

That was midweek.

(chaste dick pick behind the cut)

Confabulation and Crap Male Subs!

....all about receiving a service that
can be rated and
judged on excellence.

Confabulation is the concept I was looking for! The internal narrator constructs a story to make actions and feelings consistent with self image.

Confabulation explains much of where Femdom gets in a knot.

Crap male subs confabulate both ways. They reshape their self image to fit their masochism, telling themselves they must be the lowest of the low. Or else they reframe their masochism to match their self image as a strong empowered adult male and make Femdom all about all about receiving a service that can be rated and judged on excellence.

Dommes often seem to do similar. They can interpret their urges as meaning they must be a bad person. However, given a gazillion years of patriarchy telling them to be nice, it's more common that they take "good person" as a fixed point, and reframe domination as providing a service.

The reality is - probably - that Femdom is an orientation that exists independent of the morality and culture through which we express it. If the context were different, it would be the natural way of things, just as Maledom was once pretty much how sex was supposed to be.

---

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GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

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8 months into "permanent" chastity and everything looks different (or at least the past does)

"How long do you think I've been locked?" I ask.

"Oh," says Xena, yawning, "is it a year now."

My penis goes off like an airbag, filling its cage. "No... it's just been seven months." (This is about 3 weeks ago, as of the time of writing.)

"That's nice," says Xena. "Rub my feet."

And I do...

What gets me, what turns me on horribly and deliciously scares me, is that she's so blasé about it.

My wife is not remotely keeping count, nor is she particularly interested in milestones. The idea that it might be a year neither excites nor worries her. It didn't get her horny, nor did it she suddenly feel the need to check in with me.

The Custom Chastity devices were always darkly exciting because they made long term wear 24/7 plausible. The customised Saint was a step up because it removed all possible practical impediments. Putting it on was like getting a thrill by standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at a stormy ocean.  Xena, assured that I can swim in that ocean, has cheerfully pushed me in.

So now I'm nearly at the 8 month mark, and Xena is still treating my "permanent" chastity as if it were, well, permanent. A body modification. Or, perhaps, a move to a different city. Sure, we'll probably move again, but there's no hurry...

She has the same attitude to our FLR. We passed the five year mark last month. I got a "Well done. This still suits me too." and the conversation moved on. Clearly chaste, obedient Giles is just the natural and proper state of things for her.

However, despite her casualness about them, the milestones do seem to have one effect on her: she's become secure in her dominance. She just assumes I'll do as I'm told, gets irritated when I don't, and is totally ready to ply the cane on my rear on a nightly basis if required.

Where does this leave me? Happy with my sex life, for a start. For the first time ever, I don't have an alternative fantasy Giles running in the background. Repression takes energy.

Totally owning my submission, or being totally owned by it, has, however, forced me into an internal journey reassessing my past relationships and upbringing.

I keep coming back to a point made by Jillian Keenan (successful serious journalist and self-outed spanking fetishist) in Sex with Shakespeare:  Being spanked as a child was traumatic for her because she was already wired (by circulation and nerve endings) to be a spanking fetishist. Whereas other people might experience a spanking as violence, she experienced it as a sexual violation. She's not alone in this, so her message is "Don't spank children - it's a sex act."

So... I wasn't spanked. However, I did experience my family as "controlling" and tended to have (again) controlling girlfriends. I also grew up feeling that other people were judgemental and excluding. Going to school was about being bullied.

This picture quickly breaks down when you look closely at it.

My elder brother didn't give a shit and did his own thing, with no consequences. If he could, then why couldn't I? My controlling girlfriends... well I picked them. Some of them were really hot. Almost all of them pushed my buttons. There's a social rough and tumble to any community of young people - the crap flies around almost randomly. It only sticks if it you let it.

I was bullied at school, but I've heard far worse stories from people who seem far less damaged by it.

How about this narrative instead?

I was always submissive, which in turn made me both easy to dominate, and at the same time made being dominated a double violation - not in a sexual way, but rather because it made me experience powerless in the face of my own nature.

My family weren't controlling, I was easily controlled and resented that. My girlfriends tended to be dominant, but I liked them that way (though wouldn't admit it). Socially, my nature made me sensitive to being judged by other people, and unable to shrug off the usual young person stuff.

Bullying? Yes, that was real. Not just physical, but swatting and shunning and the whole works. However, what made it particularly damaging is that it made me experience powerlessness - something intimate and vulnerable for me - at the hands of horrid people.

Just like Jillian Keenan and her experience with spanking, it wasn't being controlled that made me a submissive, it was being submissive made me easy to control - and that experience of unjust powerlessness was damaging.

This insight makes me feel better about my past and the people in it. It also reassures me that my submission and masochism are not not just a way of erotcising past traumas, or evidence that I am stuck in them.

I wish this had happened to me ten years ago.

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A Hard Chastity Manifesto?

The problem with permanent chastity is that though we are justified it to mean "sealed in long term chastity" it sounds more like a claim to perpetual chastity, which is both unrealistic, and not usually what people intend.

I think "Hard Chastity" is a better term.

"Hard" has meanings like firm, unyielding, unsentimental, unsympathetic/lacking compassion, harsh/rigid, and  we use the terms like "hard vacuum", "hard agreement" and "hard time".

So I propose that we use "Hard Chastity" to describe the starkest device-based chastity practices, with the scope limited to the genitals - no pedantic nitpicking around "it's not hard chastity unless you sleep in separate rooms and only think pure thoughts:

• Chastity Device is sealed such that release requires a positive decision. This means that a combination of time, expense and care deter casual release or escape.  A cable-tie or a cheap padlock don't count. Nor does the device come off for cleaning, teasing or whatever.
• The Chastity Device is a done deal or body modification. The Dominant (if they exist) is not a "keyholder".  There's no dialogue around locking and unlocking, nor is hard chastity used as leverage or currency. The dominant can - and probably will - order release at some point, but this will not be a casual decision. In general, in Hard Chastity, no aspect of the relationship is about your genitals.
• No orgasms other than wet dreams and spontaneous ejaculations. It's not hard chastity if you or your partner are getting you off with pegging or milking. 
• Expected to last at least 3 months, open ended at least to 9 months. In hard chastity, you accept to your state rather than endure until release. Three months is the average time to adjust to a new condition. Nine months is the same time again twice, to ensure that time adjusted is more significant than time adjusting. (This point implies that the device has to be fit for long term wear.)

So, "sealed", "done deal", "no orgasms" and "open ended".

The last point is the one I'm not quite sure about. When Xena had me seal myself in, I expected to be stuck for a month or so, not seven months and counting. What's should the time stipulation be?

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What counts as permanent chastity?

Nothing lasts forever! Permanent chastity can't, logically, be perpetual because something is bound to crop up between now and the end of life requiring removal. So what do we really mean? What should we really mean?

First, we shouldn't lose sight of the technical definition of a permanent joint:

A permanent joint usually cannot be disassembled without destroying the parts or damaging their surfaces. The. main types of permanent joints are riveted, welded, soldered, pressed, cemented, rolled, and combined (such as cemented and welded).

So, if your device is sealed such that you can't escape without tools, then on that count you are plausibly in permanent chastity. Not, however, if you are merely locked (since locks can be picked).

Even so, permanent has a sense of the open-ended.  Take a look at the definition of permanent employment:

Permanent employees.... do not have a predetermined end date to employment... Even when employment is "at will", permanent employees... are generally protected from abrupt job termination... [However] rarely does "permanent employment" mean employment of an individual that is guaranteed throughout the employee's working life. 

So, you might take a "permanent" job knowing you will be moving country in two years, for example. And you can be unexpectedly fired from a permanent job. So, if your chastity is supposed to be open-ended but not necessarily indefinite, and if the promise of release isn't an incentive, then it still counts as permanent.

However, there's one more definition, regarding time:

lasting for a long time or for ever

That acts as a baseline for everything else. If you quit a "permanent" job after three days, you wouldn't normally think of it as permanent! So what counts as "a significant time period for chastity"?

I think, at least long enough for it to become business as usual.

That means at least 1 month, because it takes 2-4 weeks for peak horniness to fade into a kind of background itch. So I think if your adventure was terminated for you at that point, it wasn't permanent.

If you google, the period of adjustment for forming new habits is about 3 months, which is also roughly  a season. So if you pass three months before things go wrong - or your partner orders your release - you experienced permanent chastity.

However, I think for any of this to count, you have to enter the adventure with the realistic expectation to go longer than that such that the period after adjustment will be much more significant than the period before: another 6 months, taking the minimum expected period to 9 months.

So, for me, it's permanent chastity if the device is sealed and expected to stay on for at least 9 months.

Perhaps the best way to think of it is that it's like you and your partner moved to a new city for work. It might not be forever, but it will take a positive decision to move elsewhere. For now it's your lifestyle.

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A Therapist On How To Love An Angry Woman (And Why Not To)

A therapists talks about loving angry women, and why it's a bad idea. Go read!

He doesn't really touch on why:

My conscious mind said, “Get away from this woman. She’s dangerous.” My subconscious mind, the mind that was attracted to danger and excitement said, “Hmm. This could be interesting.”
We dated for a few months and the time together left me exhilarated and exhausted. I wanted to leave, but I also wanted more. Anyone who has been in a relationship like this knows the addictive draw that some of us have to danger and excitement.
We got married despite most of my friend’s warnings. I thought they just couldn’t see her wonderful side. And there was a wonderful side. She was intelligent, adventurous, inventive, and very, very sexy. I had my own anger issues and there was a quality of a moth attracted to the flame. Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional families confuse love with addiction and excitement with risk-taking.

Yeah, right. Thing is, I recognise this. My first relationship (mid teens) was abusive.

Looking back, I can see I was in the grip of my underlying submissive/masochistic "orientation". If I'd known that was a thing, I would have avoided a lot of toxic relationships.

I also have this sense that some angry women would be less angry and maybe happy if it was OK to be dominant (not necessarily erotically). Normative roles are constricting.

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Were the Victorians Right About Masturbation? (I Haven't Wanked for For Six Months!)

I haven't masturbated since
last time we had sex - 6 months ago.

I haven't masturbated since last time we had sex - that was about 6 months ago. For those who've just tuned it, that's because I'm currently sealed in permanent chastity.

All this means that I find myself in the odd position of living the now-despised Victorian dream of abstinence from self pollution. 

Victorians had odd ideas about
masturbation.

If you read up on Victorian sexual attitudes you'll find they were clearly bonkers and often evil in their extreme attitude to masturbation, based as it was on pseudo science, with rubbish about "preserving the precious seed" and so on. 

And obviously, this was driven by dodgy entrepreneurs and sadists who wanted to sell you a "cure" or hack away at your privates or those of your offspring (in particular, some of the stories about cures for female masturbation are utterly horrifying).

And, if you pay attention to modern research, you'll see that porn in itself isn't actually a problem. Rational experts will tell you it can actually make you a better more pleasure seeking lover. If vanilla porn fosters unrealistic expectations, then that's more an issue with early sex education, not the material itself. 

Modern research shows porn
in itself isn't actually a problem. 

Even so, I'm feeling benefits in not being able to wank.

Some of them clearly derive from living the life I've fantasised about for so long, and would be the same if instead I'd suddenly come out as gay, or written that literary best seller and winning the Booker Prize. Living a fantasy double life is a waste of resources.

However, I'm starting to suspect that me just not being able to masturbate is a good thing.

Maybe the perhaps instinctive ambivalence about masturbation is grounded in the reality that it's a substitute activity. If it's your only adult source of sexual gratification, then you're not engaging with the real world, not the erotic possibilities, not the people, and perhaps even non-sexual activities that would better your lot. 

As it is, I now spend much less time online gathering images for my masturbation slideshows, and no longer waste hours tinkering with unfinishable erotica projects. I'm also fully engaged with the here and now with my wife. I work harder to keep the spark in our relationship, rather than letting things slide, and get more of an erotic kick out of our every intimacy.

(CS Lewis was kinky, btw)

I'm also aware that - ironically - if I hadn't had masturbation as an outlet, I would have lived out my fetish dreams far earlier!  

If your response to feeling horny is always to jerk off, rather than to seek or improve your sex life, then your life isn't going to improve. That's doubly true for fetishists, for whom the barrier to "doing it for real" is far higher than for more vanilla folk. 

So, though I think masturbation is itself a good thing, I think a lifestyle based around getting a private fetish fix off the internet is a bad thing. 

Or put it another way: imagine if the White Witch cursed as so that all malesubs wake up in inescapable chastity on their 21st birthday? The munches and clubs would be full...

So in a weird way, the more kinky you are, the more right the Victorians were about masturbation (while still being mostly wrong).

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