Thursday, 11 February 2016

The ups and downs of Submissive as a sexual orientation

If it's not a sexual orientation, then sexual
submissive is as near as damn it to
one as to make no difference.
I was always a sexual submissive. Always interested in bondage and slavery. Always imagining myself as the one chained to a rock in Greek Tales or locked in the dungeon of the old castles we used to visit.

It was like growing up gay in pre-enlightened times, or in a modern conservative community.

I had no idea what I was.

Or at least no idea that what I was had a name.

All I knew was that it was dark and vaguely shameful and that it was My Secret. If people knew I got all hot and bothered over thoughts of being tied up... the world would end.

...a little awareness of kink seeped
 in from TV and movies
Teenage was not an improvement.

I was depressed through most of my teenage and it was never clear why. Looking back, I think it was because the right kind of relationship - a Femdom one - was missing from my life but all I was aware of was the absence and these dark masturbation fantasies that left me feeling guilty.

Then a little awareness of kink seeped in from TV and movies. I now knew what I was, but all submissives seemed to be middle aged businessmen who enjoyed visiting prostitutes for a spanking.

I still had My Secret, but now it was dirty and even more shameful. I tried to sideline it, to discount it as adolescent fantasies. That didn't help me find the right kind of relationship. Worse, I was paranoid about spending the night with a lover. What if I talked in my sleep? Gave away my secret?

Then I read a book called Joy of Sex. It told me fantasies were OK, and bondage games a nice couple game.

So I rebranded myself to myself as merely "kinky". It let me be open with lovers, got me tied up a lot, made me stop worrying about talking in my sleep.

 She might be one of those angry
spiky girls, she might be domineering,
or she might be actually naturally
However - and this is the big thing I've realised recently - I was always, always maintaining a Femdom Relationship track in the background.

I mean that there would always be some young woman to whom I was darkly attracted. She might be one of those angry spiky girls, she might be domineering, or she might be actually naturally dominant.

Sometimes I even dated her, but because I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, I invariably screwed it up.

I gave off appallingly mixed messages.

Everything about my instinctive, natural, behaviour screamed "Dominate me" but I would fight the undertow of submission and growl, "Don't boss me around." This must have been awful for the girl on the receiving end; me inviting her to take charge then making her feel bad about it.

...botched it by wrapping it
up in fantasy
Then there was the kink.

I wanted to submit, but - again fighting the undertow (I call this sub panic) - I wanted to micromanage it and wrap it up in fantasy; Be my pirate queen, tie me up in this way and do that. And of course I was determined to keep it in the bedroom.

Then I met Xena and repeated the same pattern.

I was sporadically ceding control to her, then taking it away. Begging for kink, then making it too me-centred to interest her.

Meanwhile, I was still running the Femdom Relationship track in the background. I don't mean that I was hanging around other women. Rather that I shifted focus to trying to get her to take control of periods of time but botched it by wrapping it up in fantasy and demands that she service top.

...settled into female-focussed service that
worked for both of us
Thanks in part to Xena's strength of personality, it all came together by trial and error. After a couple of years, I shed the layer of fantasy around the kink and settled into female-focussed service that worked for both of us, especially when I discovered male chastity.

Once Xena really was being genuinely in charge in the bedroom, things were finally set up for longer Femdom adventures - though it took me way too much time to realise this.

Then one day we didn't come back from an adventure and here I am, two years on, still in a Female Led Relationship.

What had held us back - held me back - is that I didn't realise you could have a Female Led Relationship where she's in charge, but doesn't act like a dominatrix all the time.

So, here are the things I wish I'd known:
  • Male chastity turns everything into Femdom
  • Being tied up isn't the only type of submission Often it isn't really submission at all.
  • The best way to get her to dominate you is to really submit to her.
  • Most women will try Femdom as means to a sensual end.  
  • Female Led Relationships can look and feel pretty much like ordinary ones. You can often enter one just by saying, "I like it when you take the lead."
UPDATE: Amazing Reddit thread in which people talk about growing up kinky.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 


  1. Can’t say I share the same experience. Submissive is probably not my orientation. It’s more like something I do to combat boredom. But now I’m finding myself addicted and trapped.

    1. If you are addicted and trapped, then by some definitions, it has become your orientation! It's certainly true that sexuality can be fluid over time.

  2. @ Her Subject I'd also add that if you're doing this with only one person maybe you have been trapped :) But if you find it addictive first, It wasn't really a trap, it just opened your eyes


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